wwyd - pedophile and DD - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
yukookoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ca
Posts: 878
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Said person abused me as a child. Not out right no physical, skin contact really just sexual gestures, groping someone else while looking at me, making kissy faces while no one is looking, "accidentally" rubbing against me, umm saying making inappropriate comments, inappropriate touching that was not out right in other ways. Hard to explain. As a child made me uncomfortable and was very confusing.

Said has no relationship with me. We do not talk past hello. I say nothing to him he says nothing to me most of the time.

Now that i have DD, said person has all the sudden shown interest in coming over and having a relationship with DD. I took this positively.

Over the past few visits (once a week with me and 1 other person present) said person has done a few things that boarder inappropriate.

Last night said person was here, after the visit dh straight up asked me is said person a pedophile. I had a breakdown. These are things I have stuffed down so far and never ever talk or think about. I never realized that's what it was. But it made complete sense all the sudden years and years of memories are haunting me and things are all coming together like o thats what this was and thats what that was. Dh says he did not see anything really outright inappropriate. Dh obviously knows there is a history but not anything about it as i refuse to talk about.

I am really confused. I don't want to hurt anyone or isolate anyone. I am a very overprotective parent, dont trust anyone with DD. I have never left her. (only 17 mo) and dont plan on it anytime soon with anyone but dh and even then I am concerned about her well being and stressed out about it .

Maybe said person really loves dd and wants a relationship with her for good reasons? Maybe I am over reacting. Maybe i jsut hated said person for other reasons and imagined the "abuse"

What do I do about DD?

Obviously she will never be alone with him and anytime he has any physical contact with her I will be right next to him ready to take her if anything happens.

I guess my plan is during the weekly visit to be very watchful and at any indication of anything visits are over for good and he is never to enter our home or have any contact with dd again. But then im just looking for stuff. And why wait?

anyway i guess im all over the place....

WWYD? I feel like i am putting DD in a roomw ith a bomb that may or may not go off and why do that? Is the relationship with said person that important to her? If I come out with this info this is even more complicated as it will affect my relationship with other family members and consequently dd's

reread and realize o man this is too hard ok its my step dad and he is coming over with my mom not alone. It's not like he just comes over alone to get close to dd he comes over with my mom on her weekly visits that have been happening since dd was born. DH is not home for these weekly visits.
yukookoo is offline  
#2 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:27 PM
 
MCatLvrMom2A&X's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: With Vin Diesel ;) YUMMMM
Posts: 14,794
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If it was me said person would have zero contact with my child. Someone like that cannot be trusted and even if you are right there stuff can happen that you cant take back ie a touch that would make your dd uncomfortable. It just isnt worth the risk.

Both you and your dh are getting bad vibes from this person listen to them. Your post had so many red flags I cant remember them all the first huge one was what was done to you by this person and the second huge one is the sudden interest in your dd.

Weigh it this way:

The health and wellbeing of your dd vs. family issues with adults. The scales obviously go toward your dd. If grown ups cant handle the situation they can get over it or move on. If something happens to your dd she might never get over it.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

MCatLvrMom2A&X is offline  
#3 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:28 PM
 
greeny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Thrift store (on half-price day)
Posts: 3,014
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If I were you, I would permanently cut off all contact with said person and NEVER let him around your dd again, supervised or not. Never.


Mom to dd (8), ds (6), and dd (1)

greeny is offline  
#4 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:28 PM
 
mamazee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: US midwest
Posts: 7,500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Keep him away. You will regret it forever if you don't.
mamazee is offline  
#5 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:28 PM
 
mamalisa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Germantown WI
Posts: 8,427
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Trust your instincts. If you feel like this person did something wrong to you, you OWE THEM NOTHING, especially contact with your child. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't watch and wait for alarm bells, the whisper you're hearing is enough.

I'm so sorry.
mamalisa is online now  
#6 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:29 PM
 
akwifeandmomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 1,020
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Said person would not be welcome in my home or life.

Just saw your edit. You need to protect your DD at any cost.
akwifeandmomma is offline  
#7 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:29 PM
 
MusicianDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Tuponia
Posts: 10,838
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My opinion, your playing with fire.

You know this person has been inappropriate with children in the past because of you own experience and your gut is telling you it's not a good thing to have him involved in your DD's life.

Having him involved will likely cause more damage then not having him involved.

malesling.GIFMutant Papa to DD (12)hippie.gif and DS (2)babyf.gif, married to DHribbonrainbow.gif
If it looks like I'm trying to pick a fight... I'm not, I'm rarely that obvious.hammer.gif
MusicianDad is offline  
#8 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:33 PM
 
MCatLvrMom2A&X's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: With Vin Diesel ;) YUMMMM
Posts: 14,794
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Saw the edit. I am so sorry that your sd did what he did. I stand by my op though your children come first.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

MCatLvrMom2A&X is offline  
#9 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:33 PM
 
Staciemao's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a sea of C's...
Posts: 443
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Alright sweetie. I'm going to be pretty blunt here. Please understand that I am not judging you, but I think maybe you're having a hard time seeing this situation clearly and bluntness is called for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
Now that i have DD, said person has all the sudden shown interest in coming over and having a relationship with DD. I took this positively.
This person is a predator. No relationship with you until you created another victim? Red flag, Yukookoo. This person wants to be near your daughter so he/she can do the same thing to her that he/she did to you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
WWYD? I feel like i am putting DD in a roomw ith a bomb that may or may not go off and why do that? Is the relationship with said person that important to her? If I come out with this info this is even more complicated as it will affect my relationship with other family members and consequently dd's
Yup, that's about accurate. By exposing your daughter to this person, you are running the VERY HIGH risk that she will be abused. You don't need to tell everybody in your family everything if you don't want to, but you have an obligation to PROTECT YOUR CHILD. And listen to your hubby...he sounds like an excellent judge of character.

Good luck and
Staciemao is offline  
#10 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:34 PM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,867
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Okay, I'm going to be straight up honest with you. If you were my mother, and I was molested by someone and I later found out that you had any idea that the guy had those inclinations, I would probably never forgive you. You need to end these visits now. You don't have to tell him why if you don't feel like it. If you don't feel like you're strong enough to stand up to him, I'd bet you a million dollars that your dh will do it for you. Really, you have keep him away from your daughter.
eclipse is offline  
#11 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:34 PM
 
Nature's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: In Aspieville
Posts: 6,537
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What he did was inappropriate to you. I would not let him have any part of your childs life. It doesn't matter if it rocks the boat in your family or not. This is your daughters life!

treehugger.gifAutistic pagan mama with five kiddos on the spectrum, learning through living life. autismribbon.gif  computergeek2.gif

Nature is offline  
#12 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:35 PM
 
delicious's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: a country i can be proud of.
Posts: 3,960
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
no. no visits.
delicious is offline  
#13 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:35 PM
 
Drummer's Wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Land of Enchantment
Posts: 11,823
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree with everyone else, I woudn't even consider any type of relaitionship with said person and would keep them away from my DD at all costs.

why take the chance?!

ribboncesarean.gif cesareans happen.
Drummer's Wife is offline  
#14 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:36 PM
 
LeighB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,395
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
In my opinion, this person should have no contact with your children. Zero, none at all.

Trying to balance a preschooler and peace....
LeighB is offline  
#15 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:36 PM
 
TinyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 708
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Nothing would make me knowingly place my DD in the path of a pedophile. Not under any circumstances, despite any and all carefully choreographed barriers between them.

Never, ever, ever.

Protect your child the way you should have been protected.

Mommy to DD 5-07
TinyMama is offline  
#16 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:38 PM
 
muttmom92's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 324
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know it will be uncomfortable considering he is married to your mother, but I would never let that man in my house and he would never be within 10 feet of my children. Like someone else said, you owe him nothing.
muttmom92 is offline  
#17 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:46 PM
 
earthmama369's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 6,989
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's been said, but hey, volume is a good thing. Cut contact. Immediately. Don't feel any regret, no guilt. He's grooming a new generation of victim. No interest until you had a child? You don't owe this person ANY excuses. You don't owe him any guilt. You don't owe him any time. YOU DON'T OWE HIM YOUR DAUGHTER.
earthmama369 is offline  
#18 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:48 PM
 
jeliphish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,027
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It would be very innapropriate for you as the mother to allow your child to have any contact with this man. My advice as a fellow MDC member would be to explore why you would even allow this in the first place, and why you are not more angered by this...perhapse some counseling. MY ADVICE AS A CPS INVESTIGATIOR is that this is considered neglegent even if the visits have been "supervised". Your obligation is to your child...period. He is grooming you all over again and grooming you- because he knows you haven't said anything. He is GROOMING YOU to have access to your child, and my expert advice is that his behaviors and tendencies have become more physical, sexual, and violent with time. If someone were to report this to someone- YOU would be the one liable. Please please please reconsider the decisions you are making.

Blessed with two BEAUTIFUL little girls: Kylie (09/06) and Maggie (4/09) :
jeliphish is offline  
#19 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:51 PM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,867
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post



WWYD? I feel like i am putting DD in a roomw ith a bomb that may or may not go off and why do that? Is the relationship with said person that important to her? If I come out with this info this is even more complicated as it will affect my relationship with other family members and consequently dd's

reread and realize o man this is too hard ok its my step dad and he is coming over with my mom not alone. It's not like he just comes over alone to get close to dd he comes over with my mom on her weekly visits that have been happening since dd was born. DH is not home for these weekly visits.
I posted before this edit. I'm so sorry that it's someone close to your mother - that makes it very, very difficult. But you still need to do it. If you don't do it now, it's going to come up again - what will happen when your dd is older and your mother wants to have her spend the night at grandmas? And your daughter wants to go too? How will you explain this to them?

And if she's seeing him every week, she is going to become comfortable with him - he's someone she will see as safe. Gma's husband, probably thought of as Gpa. He's in your house every week, so of course she will feel like she can trust him and that he's a safe person - and there will come a time that he is able to be alone with her. You won't mean for it to happen, but things happen. And she will trust him, and will likely be as confused as you were when he starts being inappropriate - but she will see him as trustworthy, and perhaps not trust her own instincts. And how can you expect her to, if you aren't trusting your own?


I'm a survivor of sexual abuse myself, so I know how tricky this can all be - and how your own mind can mess with you, and how you can try to minimize things so you can compartmentalize and live with them. What you described in your first post was not someone being a little inappropriate or crude - it was abuse, plain and simple, and an example of someone who clearly has no concept of boundaries between children and adults.
eclipse is offline  
#20 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
yukookoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ca
Posts: 878
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.
yukookoo is offline  
#21 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:56 PM
 
earthmama369's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 6,989
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so glad to hear that. You're a strong mama, and your daughter will thank you for it.
earthmama369 is offline  
#22 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 06:58 PM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,859
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
PLEASE read the book Protecting the Gift.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is online now  
#23 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 07:01 PM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,867
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.

:
eclipse is offline  
#24 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 07:05 PM
 
LeftField's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Land of well-adjusted weird people
Posts: 2,528
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.
Thank God. I'm so happy to read this update (I just found the thread now). I can't imagine how difficult all of this is for you. You are doing the right thing 100%. You are putting your daughter first and protecting her like you needed to be protected as a child. Awesome job, Mama for keeping him away! You are totally doing the right thing. Your daughter is lucky to have a Mom like you.
LeftField is offline  
#25 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 07:06 PM
 
MCatLvrMom2A&X's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: With Vin Diesel ;) YUMMMM
Posts: 14,794
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.
Thank the good Lord.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

MCatLvrMom2A&X is offline  
#26 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 07:08 PM
 
GraceBlue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 43
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with everyone else, keep DD far away from him!

I am thinking of you today as you talk to your mom.
GraceBlue is offline  
#27 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 07:17 PM
 
calebsmommy25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Ithaca, NY
Posts: 1,040
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.
Good for you! Stay firm and strong in your choice. I'm sorry you have to even deal with this situation. I'm sending loving and strong thoughts your way. Take care mama, and let us know how it goes.

caffix.gifChristine: Mama to bouncy.gif  DS 04/17/08  *Infant Stroke Survivor*  Always remembering:  brokenheart.gifbrokenheart.gifbrokenheart.gif

 

Took a 'break' from TTC and look what happened:  2ndtri.gif!!!!    praying.gif  for a healthy, full term baby to be born August 2012!!  Hoping for a vbac.gif!

calebsmommy25 is offline  
#28 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 07:22 PM
 
lolar2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 6,584
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Good for you!
lolar2 is offline  
#29 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 07:23 PM
 
IncaMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 4,436
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i'm so sorry you are facing this. but i do want to add that obviously you were traumatized by what was not even what you called "out right" abuse. you were victimized by him even when others were in the room...when he just brushed against you suggestively...you have said yourself that it was traumatic...you're making the right decision to cut off all contact with him. you deserved better when you were little, and your daughter deserves better now.
IncaMama is offline  
#30 of 86 Old 12-22-2008, 07:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
yukookoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ca
Posts: 878
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
well spoke to mom, over the internet as I could not do it in person or on the phone

She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter

Well you made your bed... not I.

I guess i can say that if I am wrongfully accusing him or have imagined any abuse that occurred in my past. It is really sad for him, but i am willing to take that risk over the risk of him hurting dd in any way.

I really hope I am doing the right thing. But I care far far more about DD than i do protecting my mom or him.

Thank you so much for the support. DH is also being incredible and supportive, thank god.
yukookoo is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off