Dear Polite Offender, - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 03:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Dear Polite Offender,

You don't know me. I am the woman that walked in with her five beautiful children. We met at a mutual friends house. I am the woman to whom you stared blankly, silently counting my kids...at which point you loudly and rudely exclaimed..."Are these all your kids? OH MY GOD!!!" You said this with a true look of horror on your face. My children witnessed this. Ms. Offender, at my house, and in my family, we absolutely don't take the Lords name in vain. Not to mention that you said so right in front of my kids, not to mention that you found it appalling that I have five children. Aren't you lucky that my triplet died in utero, I wouldn't want you to have a heart attack. Thank goodness for small favors. Next time I will look at you and say, "Wow, what are you, barren?"...oh wait, that would be incredibly hurtful and tactless and horribly insulting and painful. Not to mention just plain rude.

Ms. Politeness, I am wondering on what planet you get to have an opinion on how many children I have? I ask this question because when you sat down next to me and said "So, are you done yet...or are you going to have more?" I thought that maybe YOU thought that I was in some way a part of your life. When you said "yet" like I somehow go around vomiting out children without cause or reason...like I needed to get your permission for each one. I'm sorry, but do I know you? Do you have a say in the lives of my children? Do you even know my name? Do you know my story? Do you know what it took to get these beautiful (if not naughty) children. Do you know how I suffered? Yet you get to look at me, right in my eyes, and question me...on whether or not I am done yet? How does it matter to you, stranger that I will never see again? What if I have five more? What if I have none?

Ms. P.O., When you come in and say that "They are all too much for you, you have to leave...they are too (fill in the blanks, I was seeing red)..." well, you pretty much just don't say that. You can leave, please. I will warm up your car for you. See you now, bye bye!!


You have to understand, those of you with minimal children, that there is nothing wrong with a large family, although five isn't large. I bet that my "carbon footprint" with a family of seven living my lifestyle is less then her family of one. But I won't go there. I wouldn't want to be a polite offender.

Sarah B. mother of five horrible nasty rotten earth ruiners

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#2 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 03:36 PM
 
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Sarah... I am so sorry someone acted so appallingly to you. :

And now one for me...

Dear Brother
No, I am not "one kid away from religious nut family." I don't think "religious nut" is a number. Also, making jokes that you will have to change our last name to "Wacko Waco" if we have more children shows that you don't even know that most people at Waco didn't even have large families so you might want to work on the accuracy of your insults.
Thanks.

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#3 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 03:36 PM
 
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Oh, honey, your family is beautiful!

My parents were young when they started (which invited all types of comments alone), and had four of us, which also triggered a lot of rude comments despite being one less than your family. People used to go around saying to my mom with a look of shock and horror, "Are these all yours?" As if we weren't humans, but some stack of things my mother had been dragging around. I hope you take some comfort in the fact that these comments never phased us, the kids.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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#4 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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I'm sorry. Your kids didn't need to be subjected to hearing her opinion.

I don't know why some people say things like that.
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#5 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 03:45 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DoulaSarah View Post
Dear Polite Offender,

You don't know me. I am the woman that walked in with her five beautiful children. We met at a mutual friends house. I am the woman to whom you stared blankly, silently counting my kids...at which point you loudly and rudely exclaimed..."Are these all your kids? OH MY GOD!!!" You said this with a true look of horror on your face. My children witnessed this. Ms. Offender, at my house, and in my family, we absolutely don't take the Lords name in vain. Not to mention that you said so right in front of my kids, not to mention that you found it appalling that I have five children. Aren't you lucky that my triplet died in utero, I wouldn't want you to have a heart attack. Thank goodness for small favors. Next time I will look at you and say, "Wow, what are you, barren?"...oh wait, that would be incredibly hurtful and tactless and horribly insulting and painful. Not to mention just plain rude.

Ms. Politeness, I am wondering on what planet you get to have an opinion on how many children I have? I ask this question because when you sat down next to me and said "So, are you done yet...or are you going to have more?" I thought that maybe YOU thought that I was in some way a part of your life. When you said "yet" like I somehow go around vomiting out children without cause or reason...like I needed to get your permission for each one. I'm sorry, but do I know you? Do you have a say in the lives of my children? Do you even know my name? Do you know my story? Do you know what it took to get these beautiful (if not naughty) children. Do you know how I suffered? Yet you get to look at me, right in my eyes, and question me...on whether or not I am done yet? How does it matter to you, stranger that I will never see again? What if I have five more? What if I have none?

Ms. P.O., When you come in and say that "They are all too much for you, you have to leave...they are too (fill in the blanks, I was seeing red)..." well, you pretty much just don't say that. You can leave, please. I will warm up your car for you. See you now, bye bye!!


You have to understand, those of you minimal children, that there is nothing wrong with a large family, although five isn't large. I bet that my "carbon footprint" with a family of seven living my lifestyle is less then her family of one. But I won't go there. I wouldn't want to be a polite offender.

Sarah B. mother of five horrible nasty rotten earth ruiners
:

Thank you for putting into words the thoughts that have crossed my mind MANY, MANY times.

Some people just don't think.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#6 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 03:49 PM
 
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I am so sorry you have both had to go through this.

It's none of anyone's business how many children are in anyone's family...none, one, the usual two or more, or lots more. No one else's business.

Sometimes maybe people are surprised, since larger families are unusual these days, so it may SOUND like they disapprove, when really they are just surprised and don't know what to say. Or maybe they don't feel like they could personally deal with many children, since they are overwhelmed already with the ones they have.

And I guess there are people who ARE judging you and saying mean things that shouldn't be said.

Enjoy all your children. My mom came from a family of six ( really seven, but one passed away at two years of age) my dad from a family of five, but back then larger families weren't unusual.

Just enjoy your babies...you are blessed.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
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#7 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 03:55 PM
 
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How disgustingly rude and thoughtless that woman must have been. I'm sure you're still seething and thinking of the things you wish you had said to her. I'm sorry you had to experience that. Just know that not everyone thinks that way.

CPST ***I can help keep your child safe in the car. Ask me a car seat question!***
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#8 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 03:58 PM
 
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I wish.....I wish people who said these things to us (mothers with big families, and yes five is a big number when those around you are "only" having one or two) knew how much it hurts, how completely devastaing it is for it to be said in front of our children. Even then, I wonder, would they still say it? The looks would be so comical if they weren't so rude, the comments would be water off a duck's back if our children didn't have to hear them.

Ms. Politeness, which one, tell me, if I stood them up against a wall, should never have been born? You will never, ever know how truly unselfish you have to be to "have that many children" and that's the real pity.

To deal with it from a stranger is hard, to hear it from your own family members is almost unbearable.


 

 

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#9 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The sad thing is that I have heard that from members of my family. It isn't as negative when they say it, but it is still hard to hear. The only person who truly gets to have an opinion other then my husband is my MIL. She does help to support us, and I respect her a lot. She loves each and every one of my kids so much! The fact is that I don't think that I will have more, not because I don't want more, but because I get so so sick when I am pregnant.

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#10 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by momo7 View Post
I wish.....I wish people who said these things to us (mothers with big families, and yes five is a big number when those around you are "only" having one or two) knew how much it hurts, how completely devastaing it is for it to be said in front of our children. Even then, I wonder, would they still say it? The looks would be so comical if they weren't so rude, the comments would be water off a duck's back if our children didn't have to hear them.

Ms. Politeness, which one, tell me, if I stood them up against a wall, should never have been born? You will never, ever know how truly unselfish you have to be to "have that many children" and that's the real pity.

To deal with it from a stranger is hard, to hear it from your own family members is almost unbearable.



You know how many sex talks have come up with my children as a result of inappropriate comments from strangers?

"Oh...don't you know how that happens?"

"Can't you keep you wife off you?"

"Don't you know what birth control is?"

All with complete shock or disgust on their faces. And this started with baby #3!

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#11 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by DoulaSarah View Post
The sad thing is that I have heard that from members of my family. It isn't as negative when they say it, but it is still hard to hear. The only person who truly gets to have an opinion other then my husband is my MIL. She does help to support us, and I respect her a lot. She loves each and every one of my kids so much! The fact is that I don't think that I will have more, not because I don't want more, but because I get so so sick when I am pregnant.
My mother's response to baby #4 was "That is f***ing HORRIBLE!"



And about feeling so ill when being pregnant.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#12 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:08 PM
 
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(a mama of one and one in the belly speaking here)
I am so sorry someone was so rude like that. Seriously??? Your kids are so rediculously adorable, I just dont understand what crosses peoples minds to say things like that? Why do people think it is ok to make comments like that? now, I know on the other end, many many people comment on singelton kids as well, "when are you going to have another?" etc... I blows my mind.... What, do people see a certain # of kids to be acceptable? and above or below that not???
grrrrrrrr!!!!!!

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#13 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Kellykins...If I ask women if they are planning more, it is usually birth related! As in, how was your first birth, are you having more?!!

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#14 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:14 PM
 
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So rude!

She's just jealous and lets her mouth run before her brain processes her thoughts. You're so blessed to have those beautiful babes (and a hottie DH) so don't let her steal your joy. :

Momma to DD (12/04) hearts.gif and DS (11/09) hbac.gif.
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#15 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:15 PM
 
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I wonder why people think they have a right to comment on the size of other peoples families???: This women was WAY over the top

: 2:Ma To 6 :12,8,7,5,2,1&
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#16 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:23 PM
 
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How RUDE!!!!! I am shocked and appalled that someone actually said that to you. First of all it is nobodies business how many kids you have. Who does she think she is saying something like that, especially in front of the children :

As the mother of 5 (three of them age 2 and under), I too have gotten rude comments and looks. Especially when I was obviously pregnant and had my infant twins with me I try REALLY hard not to let it get to me (of course mine are too young right now to understand when people make rude comments), but it's not always easy to do.

I LOVE my large family and I am so thankful to have each and every one of them!!!

Mom to, Cassi,, 25 yo daughter, 4 yo twins, Carson & Camryn 3 yo Caitlyn and my wonderful 14 yo neice, Carlie
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#17 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:31 PM
 
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I think children are a blessing and a family with five is super duper blessed. Count me in the camp who thinks it is none of my business how many you have. And - those ringlets are precious. And - as a mother with only twins, I've admire mamas who have twins and other children - I can only imagine how busy you are and how loud and happy your house is!

 Single mama to two wild and sweet toddlers 2/08
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#18 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:36 PM
 
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I am so sorry she said that to you. Having BTDT, I can totally empathize!

He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.  ~Albert Einstein
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#19 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:41 PM
 
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I starting getting comments when I was pg with #3. I plan to have at least one more child, but would love to have 2 more children. I cannot stand ppl who feel the need to comment on your family size. It is NONE of their business.

I have a bit of a temper, especially when it comes to my kids... so I've been known to be a bit snarky to people at times. For example, the woman who started going on and on about how "girls these days just don't have any morals" and "I bet that one is on welfare" and "I wish they'd just keep their legs crossed" in a loud tone to her friend (I was very pregnant w/DS and had ODD (4 at the time) and YDD (16 mos at the time) with me ... and wasn't wearing my rings). I marched right up to her... and very calmly said "Look, I don't know who you think you are but you don't know me or anything about me. My husband and I have been HAPPILY MARRIED FOR ALMOST NINE YEARS! We have always planned to have a large family. My husband works hard to support our family so that I can stay home and raise the children and care for our home. We are self - sufficient and pay our own way... so why do you speak so badly about us? Oh, and for the record I am NOT as young as I look, in fact, I just turned 31." I then turned around and went to the checkout at the grocery store like nothing had happened. But really, even if I was a pregnant teen on welfare, what business is it of hers? Or, with this economy what if I was on food stamps? She doesn't know my situation, why should she judge? It makes me SO mad when ppl do that.

Oh, and OP you are my hero. I would LOVE to have 5... I haven't managed to talk DH into 5 yet though... we're going to revisit that discussion after #4. And your kids are beautiful!

Beth
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#20 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:54 PM
 
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People can be incredibly rude. It doesn't matter whether you have one kid or 18. I have spent years listening to people ask me when I am going to have another child. Ds is an only and I have had a complete stranger tell me it is child abuse to have just one!! Then one time we had a plumber here and ds (about 4 at the time) and I were watching the plumber work. The plumber asked ds if he had any brothers or sisters. When ds said no the plumber asked "aren't you lonely?" How insane is that!!!! Then I was helping out a friend by watching her 4 kids for an afternoon. I had to run to the grocery store with all 5 of them. They were well behaved and the older ones were helping me with the little ones. A woman came up to me with a look of horror on her face and asked me how I kept them in line without slapping them up. I was flabbergasted. I just hustled all of the kids away from her. After we left the store I thought of all sorts of wonderful thingds I could have said to her. Somehow I think if you don't have the standard 2 kids people think it is ok to comment on your family size.

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#21 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:55 PM
 
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Oh my goodness your DH is a hottie no wonder you had 5!

nak Anyone who can incubate for 9 months, deliver a babe and raise that babe, then rinse and repeat 5 times should be worshipped.

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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#22 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 04:55 PM
 
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Thank goodness for small favors. Next time I will look at you and say, "Wow, what are you, barren?"



:

OMG I am so sorry that hag said those things to you, but THIS was priceless and gave me a fantastic giggle!

Hug your beautiful babies and ignore de crazy folk! She's just jealous...when she's old and decrepit there won't be anyone to insult for the holidays!


Bellevuemama

GOOD moms let their kids lick the beaters. GREAT moms turn off the mixer first!
Humanist Woman Wife , & Friend Plus Mama to 6 (3 mos, 2, 9, 13, 17, 20)
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#23 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 05:04 PM
 
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My mother told me I better not have another ever if i don't get married.
I don't think she knows how badly a comment like that hurts.

: feminist mama to DD 04/08
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#24 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 05:06 PM
 
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As a single and pregnant mama to 5, soon to be 6, i totally commiserate with you. I am tirelessly asked how can i not abort this baby when i already have so many kids on my own with no other parent involved. When i visited the clinic for a pregnancy test i was asked by 4 nurses if i would be aborting and how in the world did i intend to care for 6 when i already have 5. My small and very hippy town is being very judgemental towards me and i am tired of it. I am sorry that i was abused by my previous husband and had to leave the father of my 5 children. I'm sorry that the courts decided the father could have no involvement but also ordered no child support. I am sorry that my partner who is the father to this child suddenly decided he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby when i was 10 weeks along. It was too late for me to feel ok with an abortion although i don't think i ever could. I am also sorry that i was taking a birth control pill that apparently did not work because yes i was taking precautions, and yes i understand it appears that i am careless since i am pregnant and single. It isn't easy, it wasn't all by choice but darnit it is no ones business.
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#25 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 05:07 PM
 
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Sarah - you are beautiful, your children look darling and I'm so very sorry for your loss of one of your children.

That woman is a moron, as are most who think commenting on families of any size is appropriate, and I hope your mutual friend says something to her regarding her rude behavior.

Your User Agreement here at MDC, read it and make it your friend and read the FAQ to answer all the questions of the (MDC) world.
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#26 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 05:19 PM
 
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I wish people would just mind themselfs.

People just need to live their life and hush. LOL!
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#27 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 05:41 PM
 
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I'm pg with my 4th and have two step-kids so I get a lot of comments as well. I'm pretty mouthy too when people step out of line. I've run out of patience trying to come up with witty comebacks so I just say something like, "what on earth makes you think that it's even remotely ok to say something so terrible like that to me? Why don't you just shut your big mouth and mind your own business!" I have to agree that it's much worse when it comes from family. My situation goes a step further because my first two have different fathers. Somehow I missed the blaring neon sign over my head that not only gives permission to people to say rude and harrassing things but demands it. My tongue grow sharper with each jerk who feels compelled to thrust their opinion in my face.

When we found out we were having this one, I called to announce the news to my dad. He first said, "wow, you're really turning into a baby factory, aren't you?" Then he said, "Well, at least now you'll have two kids with the same dad." Thanks dad.
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#28 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 06:05 PM
 
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Wow.. some people.. I am sorry you had to deal with this. You have a gorgeous family!! I loved the letter as well.. makes very clear what should be (but isn't) obvious as to the limits on the appropriateness of commenting on someone's family.

You just can't win- if you have a "large" family, it's too big (like you weren't aware of the number of children you chose to bear).. But if you have "only" one, you are depriving your child of a sibling, and if you have one or more when unmarried, divorced, or low-income, well you should be ashamed! I'm really looking forward to hearing what people have to say about my li'l family too..

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world"
DS Feb 2009
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#29 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 06:10 PM
 
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thats crazy, I am so sorry. I only have 3 and I already start seeing those people looking at me.

I kinda want more. But I am insane so we will see if "they" let me.
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#30 of 132 Old 12-26-2008, 06:16 PM
 
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What nerve of that person! I just had to post that your children are gorgeous

ribbonpurple.gif  "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
   
Purple*Lotus is offline  
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