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Old 01-12-2009, 01:33 AM
 
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The best part about all that though, once you start doing everything you said you would and it starts working, you get to say "HA" to them, if only in your head I love proving them wrong as often as possible.
LOL - I feel the same way! I love that all of the things I couldn't possible do, I did and then some!

In my opinion, some people are planners and others aren't.
Some people hate the idea of planning things - they feel it locks them in.
I, on the other hand, am one of those people who reads boooks, frequents message boards and madly researchs the best method for an awe some birth. I read so much on Natural Parenting by my DS's birth I felt I could write a book to rival Sears, lol!

I had several friends who thought I was crazy for planning a natural birth - they wanted to just go with the flow. I am so grateful I planned for a natural birth - because when the time came I was prepared for what a natural birth would be like and it was awesome.

I had several family members who told me I would give up breastfeeding straight away - and not to be disappointed if I only made it to 6 weeks. I planned to BF for a month and then kept upping my limit - first it was 4 weeks, then 4 mths, then a year ...I BF my DS for 18 mths, and was totally happy with it.

Don't listen to the comments - knowledge is power. Sure, you wont have all of the answers but your certainly able to know the type of parenting you want to acheive!

Mel - Loving mama and wife to the A team
From little things, big things grow
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Old 01-12-2009, 04:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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WOW! So many responses... I agree with just about everyone... :

It is easy for me to say now what I will do when it is all just talk. But when push comes to shove what will I do? How could I possibly know? That is very true.

We are pretty heavy duty into environmental stuff, and I do not think I could justify doubling my garbage for years for a baby's poo. That being said, there may well be times when disposibles are just easier, and I do realize the time all those loads of laundry will take! We purchased our washer and dryer with future needs in mind. Diaper services are not out of the question either, especially during the growing season.

Cooking with a baby! I know, so hard. Thankfully my hubby is a good cook, and also vergy good with all kids, so we should be able to manage, even if we only make 3 things a week and eat a lot of leftovers...

I know women who could not breastfeed although it was their fondest wish so I know that things can often go wrong and there is nothing you can do.

As for not knowing your baby and what they need until you get them. I know already the baby I will get. A little person I will love more then I could possibly imagine. Nothing else is as important as that!

So many things will be in flux, so many things will come and go, so many things will happen or not happen. And I can not see the future any more then anyone else. But I have never not planned for an important event, and of course I will not start now.
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Old 01-12-2009, 04:52 PM
 
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Before I was even pregnant, two different people asked me why I babysat in the nursery at church. That made me so sad!
I know! I've been hearing, "Why are you a Girl Scout leader when you don't have a daughter in the troop?" for the past six years! It's because Girl Scouting is fun and girls need a leader and I can help, duh!

Heather, here's my vent about cloth diapering that I finally posted after I had proved all the naysayers wrong. The "post a link" button isn't working, so I'll have to just paste it:
http://blog.earthlingshandbook.org/2...h-diapers.aspx

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Old 01-12-2009, 04:53 PM
 
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I always find it frustrating when people who don't have kids tell me what I should/shouldn't be doing with my child.

Or when they're just outright obnoxious about how they plan to parent their (as yet unborn) children. And then they have a baby, and don't do any of the things they were so obnoxious about. I don't care either way how you plan to parent, but understand that you're going to be met with some skepticism until you've parented your own child. It's just the way it is.
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Old 01-12-2009, 05:52 PM
 
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I know! I've been hearing, "Why are you a Girl Scout leader when you don't have a daughter in the troop?" for the past six years! It's because Girl Scouting is fun and girls need a leader and I can help, duh!
Yes, it's flabbergasting to me that people take the mindset that you don't need to worry about parenting issues until you find out you are pregnant.

I'm a planner and I love children. So, I got interested in AP/NFL while I was in high school and it took off from there. I can't tell you how many people think I'm a "freak" because I already know I want to breastfeed and have a homebirth and use cloth diapers. True, some things may not work out but I feel better prepared for whatever may come having done some research, listened to other experiences, and thought about what speaks to me intuitively.

How is planning and deciding how you want to parent before you have children a BAD thing??!! I definitely don't think it is for everyone to plan ahead nor do I think that there can't be good outcomes without pre-planning. But, I can't help but think that the world would be a better place, if more people put some forethought into parenting.

Welcome to MDC, hmk123! I think you will find everyone here is very supportive and accepting--even to us without children yet There's even a tribe of us in FYT!

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Old 01-12-2009, 06:26 PM
 
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Being 34 weeks along, I can totally relate. I get told this by friends and family—including ones who just have only had their babies 4 weeks...this includes birthing. The thing is most of them either did not adopt a natural lifestyle before their kids or they didn't put the time into researching it.

It really used to hurt my feelings (and sometimes still does)—especially when I've invested so much time in learning different parenting methods so I can be a little prepared when she gets here. I've been learning about and preparing for this for nearly 3 years (had 2 m/cs over that time) so it's not like I just suddenly got pregnant and suddenly think I'm an expert at having babies.

I anticipate it will be very hard and that I will make unforeseeable mistakes. I also anticipate that some of my ideals may not totally work out for me. However, I believe a lot of the things I've investigated (CDing, BFing, birthing, etc...) can work out. The only thing we can do is to enjoy proving these nay-sayers wrong by setting example once our daughter's born.

For now, I put my foot down and tell folks it's a closed subject when they are rude. I try not to volunteer too much info either unless I know someone will either be supportive or at least open-minded about it (they don't have to agree with me—just not talk to me like I'm an idiot).

I don't get in others' business to tell them how they should raise their children...nor do I make crazy predictions of how their parenting styles "won't work out" for them. I think I deserve the same respect in return.

Enjoying the adventure of NFL with my partner-in-crime , DD 03.09 , , &
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Old 01-12-2009, 06:50 PM
 
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I hate it when people tell me that I cannot possibly know what I will do when I actually have a baby, about how I will raise them and what I will and will not do.

"You cannot possibly know until you actually have them. Then you will see and change your mind." My sister is particualrly annoying on this subject.
That's incredibly frustrating, and I agree with the others who have said it's because that person couldn't get something to work, or didn't really care about that particular thing, that she thinks it can't work for anyone.Clearly many mothers can and do breastfeed. Why wouldn't you be one of them? And if it doesn't work or you change your mind or whatever, that doesn't mean you are doomed from the start.

There are a lot of things I see other parents doing, and I wonder how in the heck they accomplish it, but that doesn't mean I think they can't. She isn't you, so she has no idea of what you can and cannot do. I remember when I was pregnant with my first and I had these ideas, and my sister would get almost outraged with me. I remember talking with her about my birth plan ideas, because I wanted her input, and when I said that I didn't want an episiotomy, she was all, "You have to have an episiotomy, they don't give you a choice, they don't even ask!" When I said that was the situation I was trying to avoid and that's why I was talking to her, she was just kind of doing the rueful laugh "you'll see!" kind of thing.

And then when you do successfully do some of the things you wanted to do, the attitude after the fact is not usually, "Wow, I was wrong." It ends up being more "Oh sure, you could do X because you didn't do Y. Well, I don't want to be like that anyway, I think that's weird." She seemed really taken aback when I had a homebirth because she wouldn't want a homebirth. It finally came out one day, and she liked going to the hospital, it was the only way to get away. And I told her I completely understood the value that she put on it and I didn't think there was anything wrong with that, but that different people want different things. She seemed better after that.

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Old 01-12-2009, 07:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by SquishyKitty View Post
I always find it frustrating when people who don't have kids tell me what I should/shouldn't be doing with my child.

Or when they're just outright obnoxious about how they plan to parent their (as yet unborn) children. And then they have a baby, and don't do any of the things they were so obnoxious about. I don't care either way how you plan to parent, but understand that you're going to be met with some skepticism until you've parented your own child. It's just the way it is.
I do hope I am not obnoxious! And I do not to have discussions with anyone about how I HOPE to raise my kids, unless I meet people who are doing something I want to do then I will pick their brain and tell them (honestly) when I am impressed with their children or what they are doing.

My sister and her family were with us for 10 days over the holidays and a few times kid stuff just came up. She is my sister so I felt OK telling her what I hoped to be able to do, in no way to put her down or judge her actions, her daughers are amazing kids and my sister is a huge "mama bear" and I could not do what she did and raise infants and toddlers 400 miles away from family when my husband was in a tank in the desert. She knows how amazing I think she is, we have talked about that often, I don't think she feels I have judged her parenting in any negative way.

But my situation is very diffrent. My kids will grow up on an organic farm. Her kids are growing up on a miltary base.

Everyone's situation is diffrent, I just find it strange, and other women have told me, that they had similar receptions about their comments, even after they have kids. A lot of my intial contact with this attitude came when we lost a 12 week pregancy last year, being the research junky I am I was 6 weeks into heavy research when I ended up in the ER with a rupturing ectopic. (I know to "mommies" that probably seems to early to have bonded, but I still felt like I lost my first baby.)

Even comments like "I'd like to try..." (which is how I phrase things whenever I talk to someone about children) seem to make some women think you are judging them if they didn't do "x." It is such a slippery slope!

I understand the skeptisim, but that being said, no one deserves hostility for a casual comment...
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Old 01-13-2009, 03:44 AM
 
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Hmmm... I only read the first page or so yet & it keeps getting longer too... But when I saw the title, it didn't make me think of people having to change their plans regarding parenting after they have personal experience with their own actual children.

However I do totally agree that one "couldn't possibly understand" what it's like to be a parent until becoming one. For me, the birth of my daughter (my first child) was the most transformative moment of my life, I literally became a different person, able to understand (lots...yk) at the moment my daughter left my body and was a separate being from me.

Really I didn't have much in the way of a definite plan regarding details for feeding, type of clothing, diapering, parenting philosophies & strategies, or any of that.

No detailed plan, just the outline of a few simple principles in mind, to at least try - (1) to apply the "golden rule" in my relationships with my children. (2) to keep the focus of our relationship(s) on mutual kindness, consideration and compassion, & unconditional love - and to refrain from using force, violence, or other punitive actions to control their behavior (NOT saying I don't teach them what I feel are the boundaries of acceptable behavior - just that I sort of jolly them into it rather than making them do it (whatever it is). and (3) actually this is #1 but whatever *always* express love to my children in any way that I could. The first words I said to each of my 3 newborns were "I love you" and they have been told and shown that ever since.

I've certainly gotten frustrated with them, maybe I've even thrown some empty threats around their direction once or twice (humorously outlandish threats work best, imo, b/c laughter breaks up conflict so nicely).

At the time I started using the internet at home my 2 were no longer babies, dd was maybe 6 and ds 3. Then I got pg again, was "diagnosed" high risk and stuck on bedrest, so I started reading about it online and realized that other people (outside my small pocket of at least some like minds) do parent similarly to me and that there was a name for it and books about it, well what do you know!

Ooops - bedtime! (Past it actually.) Night night!

Disclaimer - I just want to say I realize most people here agree with me, not that I think I'm educating anyone on how to be w/their babes!
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Old 01-13-2009, 10:25 AM
 
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Hmmm... I only read the first page or so yet & it keeps getting longer too... But when I saw the title, it didn't make me think of people having to change their plans regarding parenting after they have personal experience with their own actual children.

However I do totally agree that one "couldn't possibly understand" what it's like to be a parent until becoming one. For me, the birth of my daughter (my first child) was the most transformative moment of my life, I literally became a different person, able to understand (lots...yk) at the moment my daughter left my body and was a separate being from me.
That's where it gets tricky because while "you" didn't understand what it was going to be like does not mean that others don't. Some people really do know what it is going to be like.
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Old 01-13-2009, 12:54 PM
 
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Ombra*luna wrote:
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However I do totally agree that one "couldn't possibly understand" what it's like to be a parent until becoming one. For me, the birth of my daughter (my first child) was the most transformative moment of my life, I literally became a different person, able to understand (lots...yk) at the moment my daughter left my body and was a separate being from me.
Hey, I don't mean to discount your experience, but it really isn't like that for everybody. I had a lot of people tell me that I and my life would change utterly with motherhood, and it just hasn't been true. Of course I've had some personal growth from the new experiences, but it hasn't been an overwhelming transformation at all. The new discoveries have felt like opening up parts of myself that I always felt pretty sure were there. Basically, I'm still the same person I've been growing to be all along.

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Old 01-13-2009, 06:44 PM
 
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A lot of my intial contact with this attitude came when we lost a 12 week pregancy last year, being the research junky I am I was 6 weeks into heavy research when I ended up in the ER with a rupturing ectopic. (I know to "mommies" that probably seems to early to have bonded, but I still felt like I lost my first baby.)
That's something I can't comprehend, the "to early to have bonded" idea. The moment I saw the test was positive, I was in love with my DS. (I also had a feeling quite early on that he would be a boy, too.) Of course, my older half-sister refused to bond with her first born until she was 6 months along because most of the first pregnancies on her mother's side of the family have been miscarriages. She didn't want to get too attached before knowing she was going to be able to keep the baby.

Different circumstances call for different reactions. Still, if anyone had tried to tell me I couldn't have been bonded or loved my baby at less than 12 weeks, I would have told them they were full of it... and wouldn't have felt bad about the meanness in my voice either.

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