MIL let DD cry it out - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-15-2009, 01:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma View Post
No no, I wasn't offended. I just wanted to state my experience. I didn't think you were saying they all do at all. I'm sorry your mom did that. My mom tries to impose her will in different ways.. It's annoying!
Ok, good. I didn't want you thinking I thought every baby in a crib had been left to CIO. I have a friend who moved her baby to a crib because he wouldn't sleep at night with her, and as soon as she moved him to a crib he was immediately happy and slept well. All babies are different.
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Old 01-15-2009, 03:44 PM
 
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You just dont let your MIL watch your baby again. It is that simple.
I agree with this quote.

No need to say anything at all. Actions speak louder. You can just exert your authority over your family and cut MIL out to the extent necessary to make you feel comfortable. A polite "no thanks" and "we're doing great, thanks" followed by a change in topic... or even stone silence... can be your mantra. At some point she'll get it that you are the mom. Eventually she may ask you or DH to be let in again. Then you and DH will be in a position of power, explaining the ground rules to a contrite MIL who has felt the consequences of her actions.

I strongly discourage writing to anyone in email or otherwise about conflict. The document lives forever and can make you look like the wacko when taken out of context.

I recommend all this based on my own experiences. (Well, not so heinous an experience as this CIO one, but nevertheless...)

aran .......... Mr. aran .......... DS1 .......... DS2
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Old 01-15-2009, 05:00 PM
 
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Any updates? Has dh gotten home and have you had a chance to talk to him?

I hope for your sake, the sake of your children, and honestly for the sake of your marriage that he behaves like the husband and father he should be. If not, you have a lot more problems on your hands than just your IL's.

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Old 01-15-2009, 05:24 PM
 
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I would be so mad! I definately wouldn't let her babysit ever again, even while I was in the house. What nerve! She clearly has no respect for your parenting.
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Old 01-15-2009, 06:19 PM
 
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Yes, I was wondering about an update as well. I hope everything worked out good.

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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Old 01-15-2009, 06:38 PM
 
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Count me in as livid. I would have been FURIOUS and the fact that she laid her hands on you is actually scary. That would lead me to believe that she deals with things physically and would make me scared to leave LO alone with her for a LONG time.

I "fired" my mom from watching DD for several months. It sucked and was horribly uncomfortable, but DD's safety means more than any relationship with anyone, even my own mother (much less my MIL).

I would not leave your baby alone with her again. Period. And I would tell her why. I would also tell her in no uncertain terms that she is never permitted to touch you in that way again.


The fact that she was deceitful and so manipulative makes her completely untrustworthy. I'm glad it sounds like she lives far away so hopefully you won't have to deal with her very much.

I also hope that your DH isn't expecting you to be the one trying to "fix" your relationship with your MIL. She sounds horrible, and your DH should be defending YOU, not her. You're his wife.

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Old 01-17-2009, 06:38 AM
 
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bumping for hopes of an update??

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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Old 01-18-2009, 05:12 AM
 
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wow...I literally would have physically beaten MIL, like punched her repeatedly in the face until they pulled me off.
well, okay, no i wouldn't have, because *I* wouldn't have left dd with someone who I did not know and trust completely.

CPST
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Old 01-18-2009, 05:45 AM
 
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This thread really got my blood boiling. When I was reading your OP and you mentioned mil grabbing your arm I immediately thought that I would have slapped that UAV.

Update us soon!

Christen wife to Justin mother to Logan 3-10-05 Annabelle 2-10-08 and due 7-11-10.
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Old 01-18-2009, 05:50 AM
 
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Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
tell your MIL the truth. that you trusted her to take care of you DD and she intentionally deceived and manipulated you. She violated your trust and your daughters trust and she will not be allowed any unsupervised time with her again.
i would also tell them they had to return home because i could not have people in my home who disrespect and deceive me for the express purpose of hurting my child.
That would be my take on it as well.
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Old 01-18-2009, 05:53 AM
 
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WOW Just... wow!

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Old 01-18-2009, 06:05 AM
 
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oh it would have been on like donkey kong, my mil is a fruitcake like that too. always saying "crying wont hurt them its good for the lungs"...we were staying with my inlaws once for vacation (we're military so we dont see family much) and she slapped my oldest dd when she was only like 16 months old! basically here is what happend... I was giving DS who was only 2 months old at the time a bath, I told mil dd was not feeling well prior to this because she was teething and to kind of leave her alone. mil being the <insert bad name here> that she is was like yeah whatever (lady totally doesnt respect me as a mother and never probably will always undermining me etc) so mil as stupid as she is put her finger in DDs mouth (eww) and dd bites her (good I say). So my <insert bad name here> of a mil slaps her on the back... I almost beat the freaking poo out of her seriously, if my dh wouldnt have been there I would have laid the old broad out, you never hit my kids ever! MIL started crying blaming it on reflex or whatever but I dont give a poo you dont hit my kids. I am very confrontational so I had not problems handing her butt to her and I still dont. ((((((hugs to you)))))) she sounds like a real fruit loop.

 Jess mom to 5!!! 3 boys 2 girls and another girl on the way edd jan 31st! I have a Disabled veteran husband
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Old 01-18-2009, 06:16 AM
 
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Wow, I agree with everything said here. To disagree is one thing, but to do that in the 1/2 hour span or whatever that is her first chance and then to try and cover it up with music and then grab your arm?!?! I would've freaked out on her!
I also would have freaked out on the MIL who slapped the 16 month old...: Seriously, what is wrong with people?!?!
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Old 01-18-2009, 04:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bobandjess99 View Post
wow...I literally would have physically beaten MIL, like punched her repeatedly in the face until they pulled me off.
well, okay, no i wouldn't have, because *I* wouldn't have left dd with someone who I did not know and trust completely.
That seems a bit harsh. She left her daughter with grandma. Not a stranger. You would think that you can trust Grandma for a half an hour. (btw, the eye roll is at Grandma, not you. )

Leigh

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Old 01-18-2009, 04:47 PM
 
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MIL has done/threatened to do things to dd that I don't agree with. Therefore, she does not get alone time with DD. She made a mistake, you corrected her and told her you don't wand your lo CIO, and she chose to do it again. She completely disrespected your choices as mama. What else would she do? Give your LO something dangerous to play with or eat? I wouldn't give her another chance. (I know I'm a little harsh here, but DD is almost 2 and this same thing has been going on for as long as she's been born, so...)
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Old 01-18-2009, 07:22 PM
 
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Wow, I must be more mainstream than I thought. I don't advocate CIO and I think that the MIL blatantly disregarded the OP's wishes, but those of you that are saying they'd kick the woman out of the house, or physically beat her? Whoa.

Clearly, the MIL has a different parenting style AND some sort of desire to show the OP she knows "best", and I wouldn't leave my child with her anymore either, but I think some of these responses are a *tad* over the top.
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Old 01-18-2009, 07:27 PM
 
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Wow, I must be more mainstream than I thought. I don't advocate CIO and I think that the MIL blatantly disregarded the OP's wishes, but those of you that are saying they'd kick the woman out of the house, or physically beat her? Whoa.

Clearly, the MIL has a different parenting style AND some sort of desire to show the OP she knows "best", and I wouldn't leave my child with her anymore either, but I think some of these responses are a *tad* over the top.
I know people said they would physically slap her but I doubt many really would...In my situation though where my mil actually hit my kid, yeah I could have hit her, I felt like it, I almost did but she hit my child who couldnt defend herself. Hitting is wrong I know that it is but my mother instincts over power that urge if you physically harm my children and even with the CIO thing there is a difference between a second or a min of CIO than like 30 minutes and the baby is just physically sick or weak etc. Its just not ok and I could see feeling like I wanted to physically slap the poo out of someone who did that to my child. I let my mother insticts cloud my rational thoughts a lot and I think thats how most moms are.

 Jess mom to 5!!! 3 boys 2 girls and another girl on the way edd jan 31st! I have a Disabled veteran husband
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Old 01-19-2009, 04:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry, I've been out of town for a few days.

So I talked to DH and he was upset by the whole thing as well. Really it was more about the sneaky nature it was done. It is bad enough that she did it at all, but the way it was done was very childish and cruel (to dd and I)
I said there was zero chance that she was going to be alone in the room with DD let alone in the house. We decided that the best way to deal with it was to do nothing. She would argue until she was blue in the face. So that is what we did. She was planning on taking her last night for the evening and we just never went out. There has been a few times she has told me to leave the room, because I was "upsetting DD" (she had fallen forward trying to crawl and hit her face on the floor. She was crying and MIL figured that she was upset because I ran over to DD and she would calm down faster in MIL's arms. The fact that she hasn't seen MIL since she was a month old so she is more or less a stranger. But I digress) I just don't leave and if MIL says she will go change her or something DH or I will go with her. She is very strange with DD anyways. She says "oh Grandma wants to play with her", play for 2 or 3 minutes then put her down. I'm not sayign she has to put in an hour a time, but why remove her from FIL (who is fantastic with her!! I would leave her with him for sure! DD would never get a chance to rest though, he'd play with her until she passed out!)

It is totally getting to her, which makes me happy even if it is totally passive aggressive. I'm really sad actually that it will affect her relationship with her Grandma. I just can't see trusting her again. I loved getting to spend the night with my Grandma when I was growing up and I hoped for the same thing for DD. She has other grandparents, but it still feels like a big loss. I really didn't want my strained relationship with MIL to ever be noticed by DD, but I don't see a way around it now. Sucks, but oh well.

Anyways, I hear my babe stirring, so I gotta run. Sorry it took so long to update, it has been a crazy week.

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Old 01-19-2009, 04:49 AM
 
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Thanks for the update. I'm so glad your DH is being supportive of you. I cannot believe your MIL actually told you to leave the room! That is absolutely crazy. You're definitely doing the right thing in not leaving your dd alone with her. It is such a shame that she can't be trusted alone with her granddaughter, but she has no one to blame but herself. I hope things get easier for you.

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Old 01-19-2009, 04:52 AM
 
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It is sad that this might impact the longterm relationship.

Although I totally disagree with what your MIL did (I would have LOST it on her and probably smacked her hand if she was trying to restrain me), perhaps when DD is out of the baby stage things will get better. I found with my MIL I gained a bit more trust as DD became more independent and will have more as she is less at the mercy of adults...

Good luck!
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Old 01-19-2009, 05:30 AM
 
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Thanks for the update and glad that dh is supporting you. I still can't believe she is acting up though.

and yeah, I'll say it again. Their relationship will never be what you would have allowed it to be b/c of your MIL. You have done nothing wrong.

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Old 01-19-2009, 05:36 AM
 
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OMG! You have every right to be furious! I would NEVER let mil be alone with my child again! NEVER! I can't believe that she grabbed your arm and tried to stop you from going to your dc! That is nuts!
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Old 01-19-2009, 08:40 AM
 
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I would certainly not threaten with kicking my family (in law) out.
But I would make sure MIL wouldn't get alone time with my child, and be very vigilant when she's around. I've been like that with people I didn't trust enough with my babies, and that works. Not ideal, but way better than to totally condemn the family relationships.

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Old 01-19-2009, 10:38 AM
 
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Wow, you're handling it great. Just wanted to give you a !
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Old 01-19-2009, 02:11 PM
 
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Sounds like you have a great DH (so glad he agrees with you!) and you guys have a great plan. Keep up the good work, mama!

Leigh

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Old 01-19-2009, 03:43 PM
 
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So glad your DH is on board and also very glad you've both resolved never to leave your daughter alone with your MIL again.

I find it chilling and quite creepy that she keeps demanding you leave the room so she can be alone with DD again. Why would she want that? Yikes. :

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Old 01-19-2009, 03:57 PM
 
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Sounds like you have a great DH (so glad he agrees with you!) and you guys have a great plan. Keep up the good work, mama!
:
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Old 01-20-2009, 03:04 AM
 
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what you said about her playing with your dd for two minutes and then stopping made me think about something. she may not have the slightest idea what to do with a baby. obviously her kids CIO (apparently not just at night either) so she probably has no idea what to do with a baby besides play with one for a few minutes and then put it down to cry.

it might be helpful if you give her a book to read to your dd or play with your dd with her so she can see what you do and hopefully learn to do the same. its also possible that she's a total fruitcake who thinks babies should be convenient and obedient all the time... but it can't hurt to try
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