MIL let DD cry it out - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-14-2009, 12:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so mad right now I don't even know what to do! My IL's are in town visiting and I knew my mother in law had different parenting style that I do, but I had no idea she'd do something like this!
About a week ago she wanted to put DD to bed. DD started crying, but I decided to let her try and calm her since no one else is ever here to see if she will go down for someone else. Well about 10 minutes in DD started SCREAMING and so upset so I went in. I had to forcefully remove DD from her arms as she was saying "oh she'll never calm down with you in here!" Well I nursed her and about 5 minutes later she was asleep. When I came out MIL said "you know she'll never calm down if you just keep swooping in. What would happen if you just left her when she was like that?" I said I never have and I don't believe in letting her cry. She clearly is upset so I can't see just dropping her off and leaving.
Fast forward to today, I asked MIL if she would watch DD while I shower. I know she was dying for some alone time with her, so I showered, did my hair and make up etc. I heard music when I stepped out of the shower, but I thought nothing of it. About 1/2 hour after I left I came out of the bathroom and heard my monitor beeping, which happens when the one in DD's room is shut off. Well I go out into the kitchen to the il's having breakfast and DD screaming her poor head off in her room. I start running down the hall and MIL grabs my arm and says something like she's fine, just let her be. I said she's my baby and she is not fine and jerked my arm away.
Poor DD is hysterical in her crib. She has tears down her face and is all red from crying. It took me nearly 1/2 hour to get her calm and another 15 minutes before I could put her down.
What the hell do I say to MIL?! I cannot believe she would do something like that, shut off the monitor so I can't hear and play music over her cries! She want's to take DD for the night so DH and I can have a date, but there is no way I trust her. DH is out of town until tomorrow so I can't even have him talk to MIL. Poor FIL (who I love) is torn because his wife did something like that and made me mad but doesn't know what to say to do.
Bah! I'm just livid right now.

: mama to my busy girl : in march
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Old 01-14-2009, 12:27 AM
 
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I would be furious!!!! You have every right to be mad. s to you, mama. You know what is best for you LO and it is NOT right for her to try and tell you otherwise.

Jaclyn, Madly in with DH, Scott. Mama to Calli Elizabeth (23 months) & our new little man, Bode Keam (9 weeks).
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Old 01-14-2009, 12:30 AM
 
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Oh mama, I'm so sorry you had to see your baby so upset! IMO, your MIL just ruined any chance she had of watching the baby unsupervised. Maybe she can have a chance in another ten years or so.

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Old 01-14-2009, 12:32 AM
 
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wow, how underhanded and deceptive of her. not to mention totally mean, and totally full of disregard for your authority as your dd's mama. i'd be livid too, and i agree with you, that i absolutely would not leave dd alone with her. nor again anytime soon.

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Old 01-14-2009, 12:33 AM
 
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just be thankful you learned her way of doing things while taking a shower and not during an overnight stay!
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Old 01-14-2009, 12:34 AM
 
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Personally speaking, that bit of deception, disrespect, and baby grabbing would get her thrown out of my house, relative or not. There are no words for a scenario like that.
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Old 01-14-2009, 12:38 AM
 
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tell your MIL the truth. that you trusted her to take care of you DD and she intentionally deceived and manipulated you. She violated your trust and your daughters trust and she will not be allowed any unsupervised time with her again.

i would also tell them they had to return home because i could not have people in my home who disrespect and deceive me for the express purpose of hurting my child.
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Old 01-14-2009, 12:41 AM
 
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i would have flipped out. literally. you don't hurt my kid. ever. and you don't use time with your granddaughter as an excuse to put her in a situation that causes intense pain and distess.

sheesh i am mad just thinking about it! she knew you trusted her, she knew you couldn't hear, she knew you did not leave your dd to cry. she manipulated you so that she could let you dd CIO. she shut the baby monitor off so you wouldn't know!!!!

who does that and why? why is it so important to her that your dd cry? why did she not respect your rules? you are the mother. the end. i would ask her all of that btw. and i would expect and answer.
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Old 01-14-2009, 12:45 AM
 
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wow, that's really awful. She was soooooooooo out of line. I think that to think it is okay to do something with someone else's child that the mother doesn't want is kinda sick in the head.
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Old 01-14-2009, 12:50 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. . I don't have anything else to add. If she'd have touched me I would've probably hit her out of reflex.

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Old 01-14-2009, 12:53 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. . I don't have anything else to add. If she'd have touched me I would've probably hit her out of reflex.
i was going to say that too but i thought people might take it wrong.

my first instinct when i read that was 'o sh*t i would have slapped her across the face.'

not intentionally but i would have been raging mad that she did that and if she tried to stop me from getting her... ooo it would have been bad.
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Old 01-14-2009, 12:53 AM
 
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I would probably write her a letter/e-mail:

Dear MIL

I feel very sad that I need to write this to you today! I have totally trusted you and believed that you respected me (our) parenting decisions. You have had your turn and looking at dh you did a good job BUT DD is our child and we have the right to parent her the way we see fit. Of course we are always open to suggestions, but we are NOT open, ever, to you willfully overriding our decisions - ESPECIALLY not if we have made it very, very clear to you what they are!

I feel betrayed by you not only undermining my parenting, but especially by the manipulative, deceptive way you went about it! There is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. I told you that we do not let our DD CIO and for you to switch off the baby monitor and playing music to drown out her screams is totally and utterly unacceptable!

Unfortunately you have left us with no option but to only allow you to see DD under our supervision. This means that you will not babysit her for us to have a date night as we feel that we cannot trust you to honour our decisions.

Your Son and DIL
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Old 01-14-2009, 12:57 AM
 
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Oh Momma! My heart is racing reading that right now! Your poor baby! How people can do that to a child and think it's 'good' for them I'll never know.

This situation is very sad and horrible. It's sad because the grandmother/granddaughter relationship has just taken a nose dive. She won't ever be fully trusted again by you, you will always have it in the back of your mind that she is going to do something against your wishes. How sad. How horrible that she was so deceptive! She did something that she KNEW was wrong in your view. She knew that you DON'T believe in CIO, and that you don't want that for YOUR DD. She used you, and manipulated a situation that was supposed to be nice (giving you a break) and turned it into something mean. PLUS she tried to physically prevent you from getting your child not once, but TWICE!!!

You have two choices (as I see it) well, 3 if you ask them to leave but I see you are in Hong Kong...that may not be easy if it means they have to fly home. You could 1- go confront your MIL. Lay it all on the line and tell her where the boundaries are. 2- stay away from her until your DH comes home, like take DD into your bedroom and shut the door untill DH comes home. That is what I would do, but that's just me. I wouldn't want to confront her without my DH there. I get all mommy brain and can't think sometimes.


I WOULD make the point of telling her that this is YOUR daughter, and YOU and DH make the decisions, and she does NOT have to like it! She only has to respect your wishes, and if she cannot do that then there is the door.

I'm so sorry! Please keep us updated! Sending you HUGE Hugs!

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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Old 01-14-2009, 01:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MOMYS View Post
I would probably write her a letter/e-mail:

Dear MIL

I feel very sad that I need to write this to you today! I have totally trusted you and believed that you respected me (our) parenting decisions. You have had your turn and looking at dh you did a good job BUT DD is our child and we have the right to parent her the way we see fit. Of course we are always open to suggestions, but we are NOT open, ever, to you willfully overriding our decisions - ESPECIALLY not if we have made it very, very clear to you what they are!

I feel betrayed by you not only undermining my parenting, but especially by the manipulative, deceptive way you went about it! There is no excuse for that kind of behaviour. I told you that we do not let our DD CIO and for you to switch off the baby monitor and playing music to drown out her screams is totally and utterly unacceptable!

Unfortunately you have left us with no option but to only allow you to see DD under our supervision. This means that you will not babysit her for us to have a date night as we feel that we cannot trust you to honour our decisions.

Your Son and DIL
I like this letter. I don't really like the 3rd paragraph, feels very...threatening. Not that it isn't warranted (sp) it just feels out of place-KWIM? Great letter though!

I would go read this to her! What a rough situation....

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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Old 01-14-2009, 01:38 AM
 
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That is AWFUL. I would never leave my child alone with my MIL again if she did that. Your poor baby and poor you. Hug your daughter lots.

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Old 01-14-2009, 01:41 AM
 
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tell your MIL the truth. that you trusted her to take care of you DD and she intentionally deceived and manipulated you. She violated your trust and your daughters trust and she will not be allowed any unsupervised time with her again.

i would also tell them they had to return home because i could not have people in my home who disrespect and deceive me for the express purpose of hurting my child.
I agree with all of that

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Old 01-14-2009, 01:46 AM
 
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I like this letter. I don't really like the 3rd paragraph, feels very...threatening. Not that it isn't warranted (sp) it just feels out of place-KWIM? Great letter though!

I would go read this to her! What a rough situation....
That's funny, because I thought the first paragraph was unnecessary.
And that the second and third were most necessary.

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Old 01-14-2009, 01:49 AM
 
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who does that and why? why is it so important to her that your dd cry? why did she not respect your rules? you are the mother. the end. i would ask her all of that btw. and i would expect and answer.
Yes, exactly! Why? What's she getting out of it? Is this her first grandkid? Is she dealing poorly (read:immaturely) with being displaced as "the mother"? Tell her to grow up, and let her kids be parents.

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Old 01-14-2009, 02:00 AM
 
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That's funny, because I thought the first paragraph was unnecessary.
And that the second and third were most necessary.
i thought the same thing. i was like gee that sounds really erm nice. mine would say i'm sorry you did something so despicable that i have to write you a letter since being in the same room as you would lead telling you what i actually think of you loudly and uncensored and that would be bad.
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Old 01-14-2009, 02:02 AM
 
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OMG! I am so upset for you. I can't believe your MIL! I wouldn't have been able to keep my cool. Holy cow, the part where she grabbed your arm... I agree with the other posters. Just be upfront with her and tell her that if she EVER wants to be able to babysit your dd then she will have to earn back your trust. She crossed the line with this.

I would also ask her to leave.
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Old 01-14-2009, 02:04 AM
 
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I would be very tempted to discuss with her whether she should be left to cry alone if she ever becomes infirm.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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Old 01-14-2009, 02:07 AM
 
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She sounds very controling.
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Old 01-14-2009, 02:12 AM
 
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I would be very tempted to discuss with her whether she should be left to cry alone if she ever becomes infirm.
Yes, this.
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Old 01-14-2009, 02:12 AM
 
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My MIL is like that and she lost her privileges to drive DD when she reused to use the car seat properly.
Not just an "I'm having trouble" but an eye rolling she knows more than anybody and does not have to listen to me about it..
Well guess what!
She was not allowed to take my children in the car until just a few weeks ago b/c Dd is now old enough to be in a booster and can do her own seatbelt.

This was 4 years later

Lay down the law now and be firm..and in this situation be ANGRY as well. This is way bigger than, "hey grandma keeps giving plastic toys and we only use wooden"
this is big so make sure MIL know you mean business!

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Old 01-14-2009, 02:13 AM
 
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1littlebit I agree with everything you've said.

I would absolutely under no circumstances allow her to be alone with your dd for any amount of time. You know now that she will willfully ignore your parenting decisions, and this will be true in other circumstances as well. Even if she's alone with her for a short period of time, she could decide to feed her something you object to, or let her play with something you consider dangerous, or God knows what else. And I would tell her exactly how you feel and not even attempt to spare her feelings.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your daughter . How old is dd by the way?

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Old 01-14-2009, 02:20 AM
 
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the face that she didnt respect your parenting style is just:
it seems to me that she just lost her privilage to an alone time with your dd.

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Old 01-14-2009, 02:26 AM
 
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if it were me? she would have been kicked out of my house, and when she complained, I would have turned up the music and ignored her....

Im not joking, I would have literally told her to leave. immediately. get a room somewhere. I was full of anger just reading the post.

If she is not in the business of respecting you, or your child- she doesnt deserve it.

turning off hte monitor? wow.

she really just thinks she is smarter than you and gonna show you how its done.

Id watch out... she would do this again. she sounds like she totally thinks she is in the right.

~jen~ )O( mama to k 07/05 o 5/08 and c 12/09
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Old 01-14-2009, 02:32 AM
 
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I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your baby girl. I would never leave her alone with the baby again, ever. My future mother in law has already lost the priveleges to be alone with any of my future children due to her treatment of my boyfriend's nieces and nephews. That will be a fun conversation to have with her in the future. I think you should definitely talk to her about what she did and let her know that it was unacceptable and manipulative.
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Old 01-14-2009, 02:33 AM
 
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First thing that burnt me up reading this? I thought she wanted to spend time with her granddaughter. Isn't what she did exactly the opposite?

Second thing? Does she not remember how unsolicited parenting advice made her feel when she was a new mom? Grandparents have selective memories.

Disgusting. I'm sorry you're in such an icky situation. I don't know if I could get over it.
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Old 01-14-2009, 02:37 AM
 
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she really just thinks she is smarter than you and gonna show you how its done.

Id watch out... she would do this again. she sounds like she totally thinks she is in the right.
I completely agree with this! She used this as an opportunity to say "See! She got to sleep just fine! There was no problem!"

I am so livid. I would just want to vomit knowing that she had left her like that and just turned some music up.

And you were there! It's not like she was staying the night at her house!

It's complicated.
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