WWYD? Question about adult pulling child out of class. **UPDATED Post #49** - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 04:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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DS is going to a pre-school a few hours a week. I accompanied him today and during the class, the school director (large man) came to the door of the classroom and asked one of the little girls to come out with him for a few minutes. The teacher saw him and didn't say anything.

I know there may be nothing wrong with this. But it's been bothering me all day. Why would a grown man pull a little girl out of a classroom? There are so many cases of abuse in the news, I'm a little paranoid.

Anyway, I know I need to find out more about the situation in order to feel comfortable leaving DS there, but I'm not sure who to talk to: the teacher? The man who took her out of the room? Someone else? And what to say exactly? I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing or seem like a paranoid mom. Still, it has been bugging me.
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#2 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 05:14 AM
 
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I would start with the teacher.

"I noticed yesterday that the director came and took so-and-so out for a few minutes. I didn't think the children ever left the classroom. Why would he take just one child out? It makes me a little uncomfortable."

Even if it's completely innocuous (maybe she has meds she needed to take, maybe something happened earlier that you didn't see, maybe she gets therapy at school and the therapist was there...), it should make the teacher realize that the impression is bad.

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#3 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 05:44 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mommyintraining2 View Post
Why would a grown man pull a little girl out of a classroom?
I think this is really odd phrasing given the situation -- it should read something more like, "Why would a preschool director pull a student out of a classroom?" I'm sure there are lots of plausible explanations.

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#4 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 06:36 AM
 
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If you're really, truly uncomfortable and have genuine bad vibes about the incident, you should ask someone about it.

That being said, there could be any number of valid reasons for a preschool director to pull a child from class. It could have been anything from a therapy session to a parent dropping by (but not wanting to disturb the class). As the director, I would assume that the man has many responsibilities to his students, regardless of their gender.

If a male high school principal pulled a young lady from class, you probably wouldn't think much of it. This is probably not much different.

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#5 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 06:37 AM
 
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Originally Posted by limabean View Post
I think this is really odd phrasing given the situation -- it should read something more like, "Why would a preschool director pull a student out of a classroom?" I'm sure there are lots of plausible explanations.
This. Off the top of my head: medication, follow-up to a discussion they had earlier, change of plans, wanting to show her something they had talked about, specials, therapy, phone call from parent, small group learning with kids from other rooms; "buddy activity" with older or younger kid, etc.

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#6 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 06:53 AM
 
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She may have been related to him. You said only a few minutes so it was probably to pass along some sort of information. Did they just stay outside the door or did they go somewhere else?

Definatly ask the teacher.

 
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#7 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 08:41 AM
 
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This is what I love about MDC. Any other message board and the OP would have been made to feel bad for even suggesting that there could be a problem with the scenario. But here are MDC the answer is - there could be a million legit reasons why it happen, but if your gut is telling you to ask - ASK!! I love it!! This is why I come here.

I agree - it's probably a completely legit reason and all is well in the world, but for it to have stood out to you, that means you need to ask the teacher what thats about
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#8 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 09:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mama2Bug View Post
If a male high school principal pulled a young lady from class, you probably wouldn't think much of it. This is probably not much different.
Actually that would raise a red flag to me--I'm a high school principal and I never pull students out of class.
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#9 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 10:06 AM
 
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Actually that would raise a red flag to me--I'm a high school principal and I never pull students out of class.
Thank you! I was thinking the same thing! That's been in the news a lot, too and my high school actually had problems with this. One incident happened when I was there, and it was completely false and made up. (It late came out she was angry with him over tutoring ... or that her friend was angry at her and wanted to get back at her .. either way, it was completely unfounded) And a few happened after I graduated, like the band leader having sex in his car. With a student. In the parking lot. Of the the high school.

Anyhow, as PP have said, it was probably nothing. At all. I used to pulled out like that too, and it was always something stupid like, 'your mom called for this' or 'its time for this medicine' (asthma and lots of bladder infections as a child, not to mention allergies). But, also like PP have said, if it really stuck out to you and bothered you, definitely ask the teacher. I like what the first response said. That's a great way to handle the situation. Or even something like "does the director always pull them out to give them medication or something? because I don't want my son singled out and made to feel embarrassed".

Hope it all works out for you!

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#10 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 10:32 AM
 
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Originally Posted by limabean View Post
I think this is really odd phrasing given the situation -- it should read something more like, "Why would a preschool director pull a student out of a classroom?" I'm sure there are lots of plausible explanations.
Yes. The "grown man" wasn't a stranger off the street - he runs the preschool. I think there are so many legitimate reasons for him to pull her out of school. If you need clarification then ask the teacher.
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#11 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 11:14 AM
 
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It seems normal to me, but then I spent my school career being pulled out of class. I was a bit of a problem child, so I was removed for disciplinary action often (even in preschool), tutoring for my math disability, gifted classes, and for a while had to take my ADD medication at school...

I don't think it hurts to ask, though.
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#12 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 11:31 AM
 
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It seems normal to me, but then I spent my school career being pulled out of class. I was a bit of a problem child, so I was removed for disciplinary action often (even in preschool), tutoring for my math disability, gifted classes, and for a while had to take my ADD medication at school...

I don't think it hurts to ask, though.
It may not hurt to ask, but she simply may not get an answer, due to privacy concerns.

I'd suspect that if the reason for the pull-out was disciplinary or medical, they're going to refuse to answer the question anyhow.
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#13 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 11:36 AM
 
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Or even something like "does the director always pull them out to give them medication or something? because I don't want my son singled out and made to feel embarrassed".
I do know that in many places there is only one person who can handle medication of any type for children. It's normally the school nurse, but with it being a pre-school they may not have a nurse on staff full-time, so it would then fall to the director or whomever. Teachers cannot give out meds anymore. My aunt complains about it b/c she teaches 2nd grade and it seems like the kids are always sick, but they have to go to the office for it. Her point is that it disrupts her class with kids always leaving and coming back.

Ask the teacher for clarification, and ask about who administers the medication to the students.

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#14 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 11:38 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mommyintraining2 View Post
DS is going to a pre-school a few hours a week. I accompanied him today and during the class, the school director (large man) came to the door of the classroom and asked one of the little girls to come out with him for a few minutes. The teacher saw him and didn't say anything.
If he were a small man, would it bother you? I don't know why that stuck out to me, but the inclusion of "large" as though that makes him more likely to be a predator bugs me.

Anyway, there are many reasons why the director would need to see a student. But I think it's reasonable to ask about it if it's a concern.
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#15 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 12:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry some of you were offended with my choice of descriptive words ("large man", "grown man"). That wasn't my intention. I was describing the situation as I saw it and felt it. My purpose in posting this question was for ideas on how to handle it. And I really appreciate those who gave suggestions. Thank you.
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#16 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 01:05 PM
 
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I just mentioned this to my DH. He is a teacher at a small private school that is pre-8. Diring the afternoons he works as the assistant to the principal, and the principal is a man. According to him, if a student is needed somewhere for any reason he or the principal go and get them. It could be that they did something wrong earlier in the day, they need medication, or a parent is there to get them. Their intercom system is an older style one that when used announces to the whole school, so to cut down on interruptions they work as a messenger at times.

If the teacher didn't even didn't even blink at it, I personally wouldn't be too concerned. Also, like a previous poster said... for privacy reasons they probably won't be able to answer you.

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#17 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 03:59 PM
 
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Were you there when she returned to class?
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#18 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 04:14 PM
 
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My immediate thought was a medication, or that she forgot something and Mom was dropping it off or something like that.
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#19 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 04:17 PM
 
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I am not quite sure why this bothered you. Is is just the fact that a man asked a girl to come out of the classroom? From your OP, it sounds like the only problem is that he was a man and she was a young girl, but maybe you just got a weird vibe or something? Honestly, I can think of several reasons that a director may need to pull a child from the classroom for a while, most of those already mentioned. And I may get slammed for this, but it really isn't your business why he pulled her. I mean, if she was going to therapy or something, that's just not for you to know. Now if you witnessed something a little more unusual, say the child acted like she was scared or uncomfortable, then by all means you should say something. But the man is the school director. You are entrusting him with you child, whether he is your child's actual teacher or not. If there's something about him that bothers you on an instinctual level, then maybe you should pull your child from the center.
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#20 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 06:47 PM
 
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And what to say exactly? I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing or seem like a paranoid mom. Still, it has been bugging me.
It sounds like it's bugging you so I would ask. I would just say what you said. "I know I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing and seem like a paranoid mom to you but something has been bothering me." Say how you saw the director pull the child out and you were wondering what the reason was for. I would also mention that you understand if the teacher can't tell you the exact reason but perhaps she could give you several examples of situations where the director would pull out YOUR child (to make it clear that you aren't just "nosy" about this girl). Early parent pick up, medicine, therapy, etc.
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#21 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 06:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It sounds like it's bugging you so I would ask. I would just say what you said. "I know I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing and seem like a paranoid mom to you but something has been bothering me." Say how you saw the director pull the child out and you were wondering what the reason was for. I would also mention that you understand if the teacher can't tell you the exact reason but perhaps she could give you several examples of situations where the director would pull out YOUR child (to make it clear that you aren't just "nosy" about this girl). Early parent pick up, medicine, therapy, etc.
Thank you, Lindberg. Your reply was helpful and supportive. This is what I was looking for.

Yes, there was a bad vibe. Thinking back on it, there was a hesitation on the part of both the little girl and the teacher. And I didn't see her come back. Honestly, at the time I didn't pay a lot of attention. I just couldn't stop thinking about it throughout the day and wondered how others might handle it if they were concerned as well.
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#22 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 07:04 PM
 
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I don't think it's nosy because it isn't really about that little girl, it's about the policy of one adult being allowed to take a child out in the hall, as her son goes there as well and she doesn't like the idea of her son being taken out of the class by a lone adult. Which makes some sense to me as many daycares and preschools have policies that two adults have to be in a classroom at all times. If I were to ask about it, that's how I'd put it. "You have a policy that two adults have to be in the class at all times (assuming they have a rule of that sort), but I saw that a child was taken out of the class by just one adult. For what kinds of reasons would that happen? How often does it happen?"
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#23 of 67 Old 03-07-2009, 07:06 PM
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trust your instincts girl!

When I was in highschool our principal used to walk behind some girls in the hallway so closely it made them uncomfortable, they could feel his breath on them. He had at times called me down to his office for "cutting class" and once it was for being in the nurses office and the nurse came and told him "I told you she was with me" and another time the teacher themselves said "I never reported her for cutting class"

I remember one of the times he called me down and he was staring at my chest and I told him "you can look at ME when you talk to me, stop talking to my boobs"... I got in school detention for saying that.

so maybe you have that gut feeling for a reason... or maybe its nothing, but its not like you are crazy for having concern. I wish more parents did.
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#24 of 67 Old 03-08-2009, 01:08 AM
 
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I would ask about the policy related to the director removing students from the class. Like clarification of the circumstances when he would come to the classroom and remove a student.

I would stay away from asking about the little girl. The school is bound by the privacy laws and are probably not at liberty to discuss another child with you. Heck, at my dd's elementary school, they will not even send out a list that includes the children's last name.

If it bothers you, by all means ask but about the policy not the child.

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#25 of 67 Old 03-08-2009, 01:30 AM
 
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Given the info we have in this thread, I wouldn't bat an eye. There are plenty of legit reasons a school employee would get a child from a classroom - many of them mentioned already. Said child's parent is coming to get her for a dentist appt. Said child has to go to the office for medication. Said child is in trouble for something and it is going to be discussed. Said child has an eye exam, speech therapy, lice check, could be a million things!

I get the feeling that if it had been a female principal, this wouldn't have been an issue. If the OP had said she had seen kids taken from class before, but this specific time gave her red flags - well, that I'd understand.

The fact that she felt the kid hesitated - again could be so many things. Maybe she was involved in something she enjoyed. Maybe she didn't want to miss something about to come up. Maybe she doesn't like taking her medication. Maybe she wrote her name on the snack table and knows she might be getting in trouble. Maybe her art submission won and the paper sent a reporter to take a photo of her for the local paper.

It feels like it isn't this specific incident that is bothering the OP, more of a nervousness about entrusting her child to other adults. If a principal was going to abuse a preschool kid, don't you think that person would do something a bit more subtle than pulling her out of class in front of a teacher, a parent volunteer, and 24 other kids?

I work at a small, private elementary. Our principal - who just happens to be a large man - pulls kids out, individually or in small groups, for a variety of reasons. It is usually to discuss something that would be embarrassing to the kid to discuss in front of the class. He is very respectful about their privacy. We also have had kids on a variety of medications that must be administered at school. I pull one little girl out many times a day to get a blood sugar reading on her as she is diabetic.

In the OP's situation, I would do nothing.
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#26 of 67 Old 03-08-2009, 01:44 AM
 
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If the director was a woman would it bother you in the same way?
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#27 of 67 Old 03-08-2009, 03:17 AM
 
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I was about to ask the same question as TCMoulton. I think that there is a real level of prejudice against men in education (especially at a primary level) which simply isn't justified.

Are you second-guessing your decision to send DS to preschool in general? It seems- tbh- such a weird thing to worry about, I'm wondering how much of this is about the director and how much of this is about DS growing up.

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#28 of 67 Old 03-08-2009, 03:30 AM
 
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Honestly, I would look for a different preschool.

It doesn't seem you are comfortable with a male director/employee. You can pretend to be PC, but your feelings are what they are. You yourself said that you feel "paranoid" because of the news.

Most preschool directors are female, so you should have other options.

What you described would not bother me. But then again, I have been fortunate to work with several male preschool and daycare teachers in my life, who really changed my mind about such things. I also think that folks who can't accept a male provider should just cut their losses and not put their child in a school where they might receive care from one. Nobody likes to be un-PC, but it's really hard on a good provider when the parent is constantly looking at them with suspicion and fear (people aren't as good at hiding it as they think they are), it often affects the kids, and it adds unncessary stress and worry to the parent's life.

So by all means ask about the policy, but truly look inward to see if you could be comfortable with a male director who does hands on work with the kids period. Some people will not be, and if you are one of them, you know that you can't put your child in that school.
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#29 of 67 Old 03-08-2009, 10:38 AM
 
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If the director was a woman would it bother you in the same way?
That doesn't matter. She got weird vibes from a person and I don't think it matters what sex that person is. And what if she HAD gotten the same weird feeling from a woman teacher or director? Would you be asking her if it would bother her if the director had been a man?

OP said she had some weird feelings and is concerned for HER son so I think she should check them out. I don't think people need to start saying she has an anti-man bias or has separation issues about sending her child to preschool. This is most likely something that can be cleared up with a 5 min conversation with the preschool teacher or director.
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#30 of 67 Old 03-08-2009, 11:18 AM
 
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I would have no issue. The way our preschool works is the director is the ONLY one who pulls kids from class. If a parent comes early, the child needs to be informed a different person is picking them up, medications etc. Im with the others in asking if it were a female would it be different?

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