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Maintaining r/ships with family who have different lifestyles/parenting values.

1K views 17 replies 17 participants last post by  The4OfUs 
#1 ·
My DH and I are not very mainstream, and our convictions are stronger now that we have a DD. My family, on the other hand, is completely mainstream and we are finding it really hard already, and our DD is only 4 months!

Let me emphasize that I get along really well with my family and I really want strong r/ships and I want my DD to know her grandparents, aunts, and cousins.

Some issues we disagree on:

- consumerism/materialism - this is the big one. my DH and I are trying to live simply and reject consumerism and materialism. we want minimal "stuff" and limited access to TV and other forms of media, especially for DD. My parents especially are always giving us things we dont' want or need! they are middle/upper class and are always bringing toys, clothes, etc that we just don't need. they all have the philosophy "the more the better" adn they cant understand our position. we also asked for no plastic toys and dd got lots of plastic toys for christmas


- parenting style - we are pretty AP, extended bf, CDs, babywearing, gentle discipline, no CIO, etc. My sister is mainstream and I feel like she wants to be a "big sister" and give me all kinds of advice but she is so different than me.

- nutrition - we are very all natural, organic, etc whereas my family is very SAD (standard american diet). my sisters said they will kidnap my kids one day and feed them junk food (on a side note, why do people think you're depriving your kids if you don't give them junk food??)

- we are very committed to our religion and it's very important to us to bring up our children according to our religious faith. Most of my family is not really into religion and thinks we are just uptight with some things.

Can anyone relate? All of my family is within 2 hours of us so we see them all the time. i enjoy spending time with them but it's frustrating because sometimes i feel like they will undermine our efforts to bring up our children the way we want.
 
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#2 ·
I understand completely.

We have double-wammy here. DH's family tends to be very, very materialistic and into all sorts of mainstream stuff like TV shows, video games, real estate acquisitions, etc. While we make a good income as a family, our focus is not on the acquisition of stuff but providing quality education for DD and security for ourselves down the road.

My family is ultra religious with no tolerance for things that are non-traditional. I believe that values, morality and spirituality can be achieved and maintained outside the "traditional." "Traditional", in my opinion, only means that "this was the way it was always done...therefore it is good and right." Or, this is what was written 3,000 years ago, therefore it is truth.

In the end, neither of us have close relationships with our families and that, in my opinion, is a tragedy. We rarely visit anyone and when we do, the talk is superficial and lacks any familial value, IMO.

I'm extremely jealous of people who have close relationships with their immediate and extended families. It is such a negative thing to alienate oneself from family....but distance is the only way that we can maintain any type of relationship. Isn't that sad?
 
#3 ·
To your parents - We love to you want to give DD gifts all the time, but we just don't have any room! Besides we don't want her to start expecting a gift everytime she sees you!

Sister - "That's really interesting." "Oh, I'll think about that." "Mmmmmmmm."

Nutrition - "Ha ha ha, yeah, kidnap them, that's a good one!"

Religion - "This is what we believe and what we are teaching DD. We appreciate that you don't agree, but we're not trying to make you live by our morals. Let's just agree to disagree."

At the end of the day I find it easiest to avoid discussions about 'sensitive' topics and really if your family respect you, they may make noises about deprived babies not getting junk food etc, but they're never going to actually do anything about it. My Mum asked if she could give 9mo DS2 ice cream. I said "No!", she said "But you had it when you were a baby!", but she listened to what I said and didn't give him any.
 
#4 ·
Maintaining relationships is difficult to do, especially with the family. You just have to decide how important it is. If it's important enough for everyone to put aside their judgement of each others' lifestyles and just enjoy each others' company, then good. I try to always be aware of when things are about to go downhill when I visit members of my family. There is always a point where I stop enjoying my family's company and am ready for the visit to be over. So I usually either leave or make something up(I'll tell them the truth if they ask for it, but they've heard it before and just accept the excuse) to get them out of my house. I know that it sounds rude, but I am a big believer in strong boundaries(possibly to a fault).
 
#5 ·
I think that as they age, a lot of things get easier, so at 4 months I'd say you can take some solace in that. Being a first-time parent you are just going to have to put your foot down and make your own family decisions, and be a little weird to them/in their eyes, but that doesn't have to cause a rift between you.

consumerism - this is a work in progress with our families, especially my parents. I understand they have a fair bit of money and my mom LOVES gifts - that is probably her primary "love language", so it is really hard to balance that with our desire for less (and with environmental considerations). For me, we've been pretty clear at Christmases and birthdays ("we have a small house and small children, please keep it SMALL") and it helps (doesn't SOLVE everything, but it helps). I also try to tell them things we do want for our kids, so that at least if they are going to give us stuff it is things that we want them to have (that works half the time, maybe
).

parenting style - You are the mom, you get to make the decisions. They will deal with it. Just like your sister gets to choose how she does things, so do you. I agree with listening to and accepting your sister with her choices, and if she wants to know why you make the choices you do, feel free to share with her.

nutrition - Again, you're the mom. They'll get used to it. My immediate family on both sides is pretty good about this, but random extended family feeds my kids things without asking me - ahg! I guess I've learned that if I'm going to care, I need to keep my kids by me at family gatherings so I can monitor their intake. My DS is 15 months and I know family thinks we are so cruel that we don't give him candy, and I gave in to their pressure too early with DD (probably at a year and half, I don't remember), so this time I'm just sticking to my decisions and telling them "he's just a baby, he'll have the rest of his life to eat crap."
We all know how bad the north american diet is, so they will likely be able to accept that.

religion - It isn't a problem for us, but I go back to the "you're the parent" thing, and really, with time you will get confident in asserting your family's needs.

Tjej
 
#6 ·
Ah, yes. I struggle with this constantly with my family (and DP's family). With my mom and DP's mom, I'm not afraid to express fully my opinions and information on the topics. But they both battle back. We get in all-out fights over vaccines and circumcision. It's so frustrating. With the rest of our family, I just brush it off mostly, but it still annoys the crap out of me. They have no respect for any other way of thinking aside from mainstream. My sister actually told me at easter that we should circumcise our son so that his "future girlfriends aren't freaked out" by his penis! WHAT??? Ugh.
My struggle has been continuing since I was young. My parents never wanted me to think any way that was untraditional, and they just about hate me for it to this day. My sister is the golden child (since she's completely incapable of thinking for herself or coming up with an original thought), and I'm the hell-bound black sheep of the family.
:
Someone said it gets easier as the kids age, but I find that not to be true for my situation. It's consistent as the sunrise - I just learn how to avoid the topics. It's so sad to have to live this way. But just remember, you didn't pick your family! You owe them nothing. They are just people like everyone else in the world.
 
#7 ·
10 years in with my SIL and her dh we just have very superficial conversations about nothing in particular or listen politely about their latest holiday/purchase/daycare/parties/etc

We are out and out odd to them almost to the point of novelty at any group gatherings at their house. We don't go often.
 
#8 ·
We really haven't been able to maintain a relationship with DH's family. We do things completely different from everyone in his family so to them, we are just weird. For some reason, they see us being different as a personal attack. They believe we think they were bad parents, which we don't think at all. Just because we don't parent the same way, doesn't mean we believe their way was wrong, our way is just different. If that even makes sense.
 
#9 ·
A lot of my family has made condesending or defensive remarks, especially when DD was younger. But in my case, it did get easier as she got older. I think because I mellowed out a little and they just got used to the fact that I do things differently. For me, when DD was that age, I was so excited to be a new mom and to be researching all these different aspects of parenting, I wanted to share my new information with everyone. I'm a lot less open now. Instead of going into great detail with every family member about why I breastfed till 30 months, cloth diapered, etc, I just give quick, short answers unless I can tell they are truly interested. Keeps conflict to a minimum and I have a good relationship with my mom and my inlaws.
 
#10 ·
I too went through a very tough time with my fam, mostly the inlaws. We are also non consumers who received lot's of stuff. I finally told my MIL that any extra or nonapproved of items would be forwarded to donation. She stopped. As for nutrition, we also live very naturally, but I can recognize the value of GP's getting to "spoil" the little one's now and again, so unless I spy rotting teeth or upset tummies, we let a little sweets go on special days. Religiously, my DH and I come from completely oposite religious backgrounds, which always makes for interesting holidays. We've learned to celebrate them all equally, and to educate our kids about both religions and cultures in their ancestry, and also about other people's religions and cultures as to create a nice, ripe, well rounded background that will not oppress or confuse them. I believe that family is one of the most important things in our lives, and I believe that generally, if you have a loving background, they may not understand your choices but will probably do their best to respect them. It helps to choose your battles, and give reassurance that although their way is different, you appreciate that are doing/did a phenominal job. It's just that this is your turn.
 
#11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum View Post
To your parents - We love to you want to give DD gifts all the time, but we just don't have any room! Besides we don't want her to start expecting a gift everytime she sees you!

Sister - "That's really interesting." "Oh, I'll think about that." "Mmmmmmmm."

Nutrition - "Ha ha ha, yeah, kidnap them, that's a good one!"

Religion - "This is what we believe and what we are teaching DD. We appreciate that you don't agree, but we're not trying to make you live by our morals. Let's just agree to disagree."

At the end of the day I find it easiest to avoid discussions about 'sensitive' topics and really if your family respect you, they may make noises about deprived babies not getting junk food etc, but they're never going to actually do anything about it. My Mum asked if she could give 9mo DS2 ice cream. I said "No!", she said "But you had it when you were a baby!", but she listened to what I said and didn't give him any.
this. i'm sure they know how you feel, you obviously know how they feel, it's just a clash but why make it into a bad thing. just nod and move on.. besides i'm sure they don't mean any harm.

i'm more the mainstream while my family is more on the "crunchy" side and i can tell you that as much as you get annoyed with the mainstream coming into your life i get just as annoyed with the "crunchy" side coming into mine but i really know they mean no harm and i take it for what it is and go on with my life and live how i want to live and raise our child how i want to.

peace and love right
 
#12 ·
I agree with some of the PP... DD is just 6 weeks old, but I have been struggling with these differences between us and family members for as long as I can remember. However, I'm very close to my family and intend to maintain a close relationship. We all live in a very close radius (most of us within 5 minutes of each other, no one further than 30 minutes away), so we're together a lot-- most weekends and often vacation together.

I'm a very non-confrontation kind of person, so I just sort of go about living my life and don't feel the need to discuss it with them a lot of the time. We have conversations... about our family as a whole, about whatever family drama is happening at the moment, about plans for the next family event, etc. I don't discuss a lot of my choices with them. They know how we live our life and most of the time, they do things differently. But it doesn't lead to negative interactions (the things that would such as vaccines, are left completely out of every conversation. they don't have to know our choice in that matter).

We just learn to respect each other's wishes. They parent differently than I do and I don't judge them based on their parenting decisions, so they do the same for me. One good example. Family members baby sit for us when I go to school 3 days a week and several pitched a fit about using CD. I just offered to teach anyone who wanted to learn that may have to change her diaper (we use prefolds, so ya they can be a bit tricky sometimes if you're not used to them). We also made sure to get a few pocket and fitted diapers to make for easier use when others are caring for her. We've never had a problem. And vice versa... when their kids are in my care, I respect the way they choose to parent and do not force my ideals on them and their family.

For the most part we just follow the whole "treat others as you want to be treated..."
 
#13 ·
Didn't read all responses. But yes! I totally relate.


As you can see, my DD is only 3 months old and already I have been breastfeeding longer than anyone in my family! At the family function two weeks ago I was actually asked how long I plan to keep it up... I said, "til we are done."


All of my family makes fun of my wrap. Mom goes on and on about how she is afraid it will strangle DD.


My one friend brings up CIO at least once a week when I mention the lack of sleep I'm getting.

Another friend asked me the other day, "Oh, God! you are one of those co-sleeping people, aren't you?"

It can become very tiring... I have started ignoring all of it. I seem to live in a very mainstream area and everyone thinks I'm a little "off"... but I have stopped caring becuase they thought I was "off" before with being involved with the Renn Faires and such, so to me it's one more thing they can think I'm odd about.

It is really tough with parents though. Mom has already had me in tears, because it is really important to me that her and I have a good relationship... but even now, bottom line is, I'm DD's parent, and it is up to me to do what I feel is best for her, not my Mom.

So I guess advice would be to let as much as you can roll off your back.
With my friends I try to educate them... not push it, but I say subtle comments here and there, and sometimes they ask for more info, sometimes they don't.
 
#14 ·
I think as you settle in and become more confident in yourself, and you don't need everyone to "buy in" to your way of thinking, it gets easier.

Not that people are any less obnoxious, but you can learn to have a sense of humor about it and pick your battles.

I find it very easy to maintain relationships (and close, warm ones at that) with family and friends who disagree. I consider it essential to my own humility/humanity actually. My big lightbulb moment was hearing to myself complain about how rigid and horribly insensitve and obnoxious other people were for daring to disagree with me, and realizing that they could very rightly be saying the exact same thing about me! I had to laugh at myself then.

Aside from some abuse/mental illness issues in my family, which require stronger protections and boundaries for safety reasons, I've learned to be more accepting of others. Most of the time, I get it returned in spades when I'm willing to give it first.

I would have laughed off the sister's comment, and threaten to steal away their children and turn them into little organic granola munchers...or give them gourmet palates so that sis would have to buy REAL chocolate and hand crafted marshmallows to make her smores, blah blah. Somehow I don't think that your family would ACTUALLY kidnap the children, and if that's a real possibility then perhaps a restraining order is in order.

Religious stuff (either moving away from your family of origin's religion OR getting it) is *scary* for a lot of people. I think you have to be compassionate in that regard--and it's going to be a pretty important component of your spiritual path (no matter what it is, hopefully). In my case, I am a walkaway from the extremely conservative pentacostal religion of my youth. I could get angry about all the religious stuff that is sent to me and my kids or the constant fears for my soul, but when I really open my eyes, what I see is a bunch of people who love me so much they can't bear to be silent when they think that I am in danger of an eternity of torture. It hurts my family to believe that I will not be with them in heaven one day. How can I possibly think evil of them for *that*? When they act obnoxiously, it's because they are scared and care about me. So I try to have a little compassion and not go ape on them. If your family is largely atheist or agnostic, they might be reacting in fear too, particularly if they have experienced rejection and hatred from your religious group in general. They might worry that you might cut off ties with them (it's been known to be encouraged in certain religious/sects). I would say perhaps some compassion is in order, they don't want to lose you or be rejected by you. Sometimes people strike out proactively in an instinct to keep from being hurt, which isn't the best course of action, but perhaps looking at it in that way may give you more patience with them.

The gift giving, you're just going to have to make a plan for dealing with the aftermath. You can stress yourself silly worrying about what they're going to do--but they're going to do what they're going to do. My family is like this as well, I've learned to open up gift boxes at the garbage can before they make it into the house, and I know 2 weeks after the holidays I'm going to have a huge goodwill run. It's actually less inconvenient for me to do a 15 minute purge than it is to lecture and sweat and worry about what I can't control anyway (other people's actions).

Of course, my personality makes it easy for me to do this. (I'm kind of a slacker/roll with it type of person.) I've also had any illusion I might have had that somehow I can control my kids' environment to my satisfaction beaten out of me (3 kids in 17 months will do that to ya). My family also lives quite a ways away from me, so I don't have to deal with in-town people.

But I would still advise that trying to cultivate humor and compassion wherever and whenever possible will cause you less anger/stress/ulcers/migraines than trying to control what other people do/think. It also tends to make you less of a dancing puppet on a string that family members poke at for their amusement.

But your mileage will vary. And of course, when/if you are dealing with truly sick people, it's a little different than the normal kind of "obnoxious family", KWIM?
 
#15 ·
I have close relationships with both friends and family who have radically different lifestyles and values than mine. As long as everyone is respectful of the other's choices, things go pretty well. The key is to be firm but kind with them about how this is what works for your family and that you need them not to push their style. And try to find some common ground, about something.
 
#16 ·
I'm always amazed that mainstream people take such verbal issue with us, while we are the ones that have far more ethical issues with them, yet we usually keep our mouths shut out of respect.
: It will never make sense to me. They get upset about breastfeeding, and co-sleeping, but we take issue with just about the entire way they live their lives. Yet, who opens their mouth?
 
#17 ·
I don't take issue with the entire way mainstream people live their lives.

I treat people as I wish to be treated. With respect. With compassion. Not trying to bend them to my will and dominate them.

And I beg to differ about mainstream people having "less" ethical concerns about "us" than we do with "them." Why do you think they worry about what AP people are doing?

Constantly opening one's mouth to spout out parenting and ethical advice doesn't make one better or more ethical--it might just make them a UAV. No matter what side of the mainstream/alternative fence you fall on.
 
#18 ·
ITA with Tigerchild. I usually let things like food and presents go, because we have no real food sensitivity issues, and they only see extended family about once a month or so (plus we're not totally organic/natural anyway in our house...) and presents, we rotate through, return/exchange, or give friends and family ideas about consumables that the kids would enjoy (science center passes, magazines, music classes, etc.) so that it's not more "stuff" being brought in, but they still ge thte satisfaciton of giving.

I think Tigerchild hit the nail on the head, and I'm hope you're able to find some peace and maintain relationships with your families. People are more important to me than "stuff" (like food, toys, parenting critiques, etc. even when they are my ideals and differ from others), so whenever I can (i.e., whenever it's healthy emotionally) I preserve the relationship and let the "stuff" go. I want my kids to be able to get along with all sorts of people, even people they may not see eye to eye with, not just people "like us", KWIM?
 
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