I have a really bad feeling... UPDATE post 34...it was HORRIBLE! - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-14-2009, 03:44 PM
 
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Please don't ever visit those people again!!! Let DH go if he has to but tell everyone the kids are sick and the rest of you can't make it.
THIS. Please don't take your children back there again. I'm sorry you had to endure such a traumatic visit.

Amanda , mama to my two boys: N (10/06) and : A (7/09)
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Old 04-14-2009, 03:45 PM
 
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I guess... I don't understand why you let the MIL take the baby from you and didn't just tell her NO. Is it just the family politics at work here; your saying no would cause more trouble than it's worth; that kind of thing?
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:19 PM
 
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Honestly the whole pass the baby , baby crying and that line of problems seems like the least of your troubles. You and dh need to have a serious talk abiout boundries etc with his family. And if you go back you and him need to be united about how he will defend you to hios family, what you will and will not allow and be firm in a routien and such that will allow your kids to stay sane. and for goodness sakes stay in a hotel.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 04-14-2009, 05:33 PM
 
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That sounds awful. ((((((Hugs to you, mama.)))))).

It sounds like you feel really trapped into obligations with this family. They're not even mainstream, though, they are abusive and negligent. You have done the best you can with them, and you don't have to continue trying to make it work. Without regret for the past-- because I imagine you were doing what you felt you could at the time-- I suggest you make a plan for the future that doesn't involve any more visits. Maybe dinners out together, for no more than an hour or so, if you must. But not visits.

You and your husband need to take care of your own children, and protecting them from such extreme dysfunction and abusive behaviors is a part of that. If your husband wants to continue his relationship with his family, he should do that on his own time (not holidays, I might add).

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:35 PM
 
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And just why WAS the dead cow on the porch???

I think that anyone who did what your FIL did to his children (regarding the dog incident) should be disowned by his children when they're old enough. That's extremely cruel.

I agree with the others who said that you should be more worried about the older children because they'll remember these things. I'm wondering if Grandpa just inspired a future vegetarian in your 6yo.

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Old 04-14-2009, 05:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:42 PM
 
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I think that anyone who did what your FIL did to his children (regarding the dog incident) should be disowned by his children when they're old enough. That's extremely cruel.
Yes, and the definition of abuse includes harming the pets of the people you are abusing.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 04-14-2009, 05:56 PM
 
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perhaops future family reunions could be a vacation of some sort? like at a retreat center or camp ground? . . . also a decent option for home away from home is to find a KAO. it isn't exactly luxe but its away from the house. or if you have a camper or know someone who can loan you one . . . .you know, in the spirit of freeing up some room for everyone ,. . .

honestly the cow isn't all that disturbing (odd but not entirely disturbing). it is after all a working ranch. they aren't growing them for pets. I walked into a room once and found myself ankle deep in dead headless pheasents. . . saw a couple of deer hanging from my neighbors clothes lines once, walked by a truck at the grocery store with 4 frozen stiff deer . . .welcome to the suburban midwest! I didn't know thats how they did it on ranches but whatever I guess. you think they would at least do something different if company was coming . . . . but these don't seem like people who put a lot of stock in "company is coming over" decorum.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 04-14-2009, 06:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 04-14-2009, 07:06 PM
 
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WOw. You have really put my in-law complaints in perspective.
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Old 04-14-2009, 07:35 PM
 
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Gosh, I'm so sorry. I'd never ever visit them again, you certainly have a million reasons not to.

: Mama to ds (5) and dd (3) and .
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Old 04-14-2009, 08:41 PM
 
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Gosh, I'm so sorry. I'd never ever visit them again, you certainly have a million reasons not to.
ITA! Just wanted to give you a That sounds awful.

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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Old 04-14-2009, 08:42 PM
 
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I am speechless.. s to you OP!

Breeder Mama: = wife to an amazing man + mama to J-Bear (07/02) and E-Train (06/08), nanny to Little Bird (07/10).

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Old 04-14-2009, 08:52 PM
 
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I'm not clear on why you still visit these people. Let your dh go alone, or you two can go together, but stay in a motel and meet them for dinner at a restaurant. Honestly? I am more freaked out about your two older kids because exposed to all that crap than the baby being passed around a few times.
Honestly, this was what I thought as well. Baby's are resilient (sp), but older children are pretty impressionable. Hold them close. Don't go back if you can work that out.

Darcy mama to Dillon, Marah and Leo, partner to Jeremy
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Old 04-14-2009, 09:18 PM
 
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I, too, am pretty unfazed by the dead cow on the porch. I'm a great big hick that way, I guess. But everything else - yikes!

It's so hard when your spouse has siblings still living with the abusive parents! The consequences of cutting ties are just so much larger. I think that your dh's idea of just not staying there anymore is probably the best way to go at this point in time, even if means a lot of late-night drives to your home or the nearest hotel.
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Old 04-14-2009, 11:07 PM
 
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I'm not clear on why you still visit these people. Let your dh go alone, or you two can go together, but stay in a motel and meet them for dinner at a restaurant. <snip>
This...

I actually was wondering about such a strong response to "pass the baby"... I haven't ever considered sharing my beautiful girl with our family and letting them love her, from day one, to be a bad thing... but when I read the update, I understood immediately all of your trepidations.
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Old 04-15-2009, 12:53 AM
 
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Wow! Thank you all so much for the support. I'm still trying to process everything from this weekend. I'm really confused about many things.

There has always been so much anger in the house, the environment is so negative and draining. The house itself should be condemned. It is dirty, falling apart, and cluttered to the point there are paths throughout the home. I don't even like to sit on the couches or touch the surfaces. It makes it really difficult for supervising little ones. I'm not trying to be shallow here, I really believe that this environment is unhealthy and brings people down.

I am not comfortable with my children being around the language or the violence (even just the references to it, past or present). There are two problems with this though. First, my older children LOVE MIL. Seriously, LOVE her. I think she just has no concept that all the younger ones who don't have a long term relationship don't feel the same way. She treats the bigger kids (grandkids) really well. Second, I have issues with how she treats the little guys and knowing what she has done to her own children as well as what she allowed from FIL. Even though she has never done anything to my older kids, I know she didn't protect my DH from his father and committed abuse herself. That makes me uncomfortable leaving my babies in her presence.

FIL is a very very scary man. The things he did to my DH and his siblings make me want to throw up. I think my husband has many issues left over from this treatment, but I also see him trying to earn love from him.

My DH has six brothers, the youngest is 16 and a sister who just turned 9. I found out while we were there that his 18 yo brother who is still in HS has now moved out to get away from it all. So now its his sister, 16yo brother and a 24 yo brother living at home. The 24 yo was hit by a car when he was 17 and has brain damage from it. The rest of the siblings are out of the house. The 18yo is graduating next month and DH says we will go, but we will not be staying there. There are no hotels within an hour of IL's so it will require some extra work, but I am all for it.

I haven't heard the entire story, but it seems that the fight in the early morning between BILs and FIL was over one BIL asking FIL not to yell with all the kids in the house, which escalated into a "You think you are a better father than me" argument. All the brothers are very close and while we are the only ones who are AP and GD, they all recognize that the home is not a healthy place for children.

I know this is a choppy, rambling post. I'm still trying to work through all of this. Its just a hard situation. It has honestly never been as bad as it was this last weekend. I have a very hard time saying no to people and standing up for myself, but if this was a normal visit, we would not have been there.

Thanks for listening
[Bolding mine]

I can't tell from your wording -- you don't leave your children in this woman's presence, do you?

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Old 04-15-2009, 01:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 04-15-2009, 01:58 AM
 
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I think she meant it made her uncomfortable to be out of the room to go to the bathroom or get a drink or whatever when they are visiting, not that she leaves her children with the ILS as regular childcare or anything.

It sounds like mental illness, honestly. The hoarding, the dirt, the behavior, the language.

ETA - We cross posted.

Do you want to accept their money? Can they afford to be giving gifts like that? If the house is as ramshackle as I'm imagining it... well, their moey could be very tight is all I'm saying. But then is it incredibly rude to not accept the gift, and would just create more issues?
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Old 04-15-2009, 02:16 AM
 
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I don't think $1000 quite covers the pain and suffering that man has caused you, let alone your poor DH.

Breeder Mama: = wife to an amazing man + mama to J-Bear (07/02) and E-Train (06/08), nanny to Little Bird (07/10).

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Old 04-15-2009, 02:22 AM
 
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hmm. many dysfunctional parents like to use $$ as a way to "make up for" their transgressions, and also to use it as a leash of sorts to try and continue to control/influence the behavior of their adult children. I'd be leery of accepting their $$ til i knew what that "gift" entailed...

your experience BTW sounds utterly horrible. I'm sorry you had to deal with all that, and even sorrier for your dh as a kid

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Old 04-15-2009, 02:37 AM
 
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How nice that they gave you a gift. you can use it to rent a camper the next time you have to go visit them

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 04-15-2009, 02:37 AM
 
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OMG. that is awful and i'm very happy you will never be returning. as sad as that all sounds, that's how a family was raised back then my grandmother's stories sound familiar.

wife to DH 2/03, mama to DS 3/03 & DD 1/09
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Old 04-15-2009, 01:06 PM
 
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as sad as that all sounds, that's how a family was raised back then
That's how some abusive, dysfunctional families were raised back then. I certainly don't think this was par for the course in our parents' day. (Not to mention that this is how the OP's DH was raised -- our generation! It's not like this was 100 years ago, not that that would excuse the abuse.)

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Old 04-15-2009, 01:21 PM
 
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hmm. many dysfunctional parents like to use $$ as a way to "make up for" their transgressions, and also to use it as a leash of sorts to try and continue to control/influence the behavior of their adult children. I'd be leery of accepting their $$ til i knew what that "gift" entailed...

your experience BTW sounds utterly horrible. I'm sorry you had to deal with all that, and even sorrier for your dh as a kid

The above as well as so much of what the OP has posted sounds so much like my husband's family.

My ILs definately used money as a control over their kids. My husband now describes it as "keeping me in want" as they would hand out money that enable him (DH) to have luxuries but then turn around and threaten to cut off the cash flow whenever he didn't tow the party line.

When my DH broke from his family, FIL said something along the lines of "without the money we give you, she (meaning me) won't love you anymore."

HA! little did they know we were squirreling away "escape money" and I had a job that supported both of us. (DH worked in the family business at that time.)

OP - must you go to the brother's graduation?

Is it possible for your DH to have a heart to heart with the brother and explain to him how difficult it is on you and the kids to be in that environment?

Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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