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Old 04-07-2009, 02:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:01 PM
 
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Wait, your DH was abused as a child, right? And you know for a fact that other parents there use belts on their children?

It doesn't sound to me like your panic is for nothing. It sounds like you know you're about to take your wee little babe into a veritable nest of known child abusers. I'd be freaking out too!

Honestly? The baby is still so young that it doesn't matter who wants to hold him. Wear him in a sling and just nurse nurse nurse (assuming you're BFing). Don't feel the need to pass him around if you don't feel comfortable with the person who wants to hold him. You're the mama and you get to decide whether he will be held or not.

But seriously, wear him in a sling. He'll probably sleep most of the time and few people have the gall to reach into a sling to manhandle a baby.

If I were in your shoes I'd get very comfortable using lines like, "Thank you, but he's very comfortable in his sling right now" and "No, you can't hold him but let's get a picture together!"

I would definitely NOT let the baby out of my sight, given your DH's family's history. Yikes.

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Old 04-07-2009, 03:08 PM
 
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When I'm around lots of family, I keep the baby in wrap. Most people assume that its really hard to get him in and out of it and I don't do anything to dispel that belief.

Joy wife to DH, mom to DS1 (4/2005): DD (5/2007) : : DS2 (1/2009 :
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:08 PM
 
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Hugs to you, mama.

I know how hard it can be to let others hold your baby. My son was baptised the other week and there were about 40 people there who wanted to hold my ds. Especially my ILs. Ugh. They annoy me on many levels. Mainly because their parenting views differ from mine and they feel the need to buy him lots of junky stuff to make up for the fact that they live 4 hours away and don't see him much. It was so very incredibly difficult to let them hold him. But I did let them...for a very, very short period of time. When I had had enough I took him right back. And if that upset them, too bad. He's my ds. They've raised their kids.

Sorry if I sound a little bitter.
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:13 PM
 
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Oh, and if you don't feel up to saying no directly, never underestimate the power of blaming your pediatrician (even if you don't have one).

"His doctor says he shouldn't be handled by too many people before he's a little older. His little immune system needs more time to grow!"

Most people will back off immediately if you phrase your parenting preferences as "doctor's orders".

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When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. --George Bernard Shaw

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Old 04-07-2009, 03:28 PM
 
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uggg, I understand the anxiety, coming from a huge family myself!!! I love the sling idea. You could also make up an excuse any time someone asks. Like "oh, sorry, I was about to feed, change etc...". You could also say that he gets really overstimulated (then fussy) when held by people that are unfamiliar to him... good luck!!!
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:34 PM
 
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SLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At all early gatherings I plopped DS into a sling or wrap and that was that. People won't try and take him out. If he was looking like he'd like to be with people, great. But as soon as he needed momma I'd take him back saying he was hungry - plop him right back into the sling. Helped that he couldn't resist a good sling nap at that age.

I never let the "pass the baby" game be played. Not fair to the baby. If it upsets the adults, oh well. You don't see these people often, right?
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:38 PM
 
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You're the mama and you get to decide whether he will be held or not.
I love that phrase! It's true though. It's YOUR child and YOU decide who does or does not touch him.

I agree with wearing him in a sling. People are less likely to reach for your torso to "touch the baby"

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Old 04-07-2009, 03:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:48 PM
 
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Actually, my pedi did tell me that the baby shouldn't be passed around during our visits home because at this point in the year we're still at the tail end of cold/flu season. No reason to expose a LO. If there were special people who I trusted with my child i would find a quiet moment or place to share that experience with them. Not during a huge gathering by any means.

Trust your mama instincts and keep your baby close!
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Old 04-07-2009, 04:04 PM
 
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When pregnant, the thought of people (outside from a select few) holding my baby kept me up at night. The thought of being at a gathering and baby-passing would have given me hives!

So I get where you are coming from. Just posting to say I understand, you aren't alone.

Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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Old 04-07-2009, 05:05 PM
 
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I'm in a similar boat with in laws with kids almost the same age as DS. My BIL is almost 3 years older than DS so I know how hard it can be to explain parenting styles etc. Good news is your DS is only 3 months so that conversation is a long ways away so I wouldn't stress about that just yet.

Everyone holding the baby? I HATED that too and would have anxiety attacks about it. I found that people are a lot more respectful than I gave them credit for. Only really close family (a couple aunts who love my DH and grandparents) wanted to hold DS and as soon as he made any sort of sound I would just say "I need to grab him, new mommy thing" like, I'd made a joke out of it but people knew I was serious even in my joking tone and hand him back over. I second saying "doctors orders" that always works too.

Good Luck this weekend!
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Old 04-07-2009, 05:19 PM
 
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Actually, my pedi did tell me that the baby shouldn't be passed around during our visits home because at this point in the year we're still at the tail end of cold/flu season. No reason to expose a LO. If there were special people who I trusted with my child i would find a quiet moment or place to share that experience with them. Not during a huge gathering by any means.

Trust your mama instincts and keep your baby close!
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Old 04-07-2009, 06:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Old 04-07-2009, 08:41 PM
 
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sounds like you've got a good plan... i just wanted to send a !
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Old 04-07-2009, 08:50 PM
 
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I usually like pass-the-baby but I didn't ever hand him off to known child abusers. Why are they holding a family gathering at their house, not in jail? (Rhetorical question, I realize the statute of limitations is past.)
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Old 04-07-2009, 08:52 PM
 
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I so agree with the sling! That's what I do, anyway, but especially when I don't want anyone else trying to take or touch the baby!

Good luck!

Wife to 1~Mom to 5 ages brand new to 12~Rural Mail Carrier~Keeper of 2 dogs, 1 cat & a flock of chickens :
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Old 04-08-2009, 12:36 AM
 
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I never allow "pass the baby" and I don't care if other people don't like it. (and trust me, they don't like it at all)

I agree with all of the pp's suggestions of the sling. My IL's actually took offense to me putting my preemie baby in a sling at Christmas. Their reaction didn't bother me one bit.

Babies are human beings, they are not born for adult entertainment.

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Old 04-08-2009, 12:57 AM
 
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The funny thing is, I never understood "pass the baby". I'm not one to reach for other people's babies. I assume they want to hold their children. it freaks me out when people try to force their baby on me, "Don't you want to hold the baby?" Um, no, it isn't mine!

back to the OP, wrap that baby up in the moby and I bet no one will come near him! You'll be all set! And if all else fails, just leave early. That's my solution for dealing with my IL's.
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Old 04-08-2009, 02:26 AM
 
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The sling is the best deterant.

It's true about the doctor excuse too. I've had an uppper respiratory infection for over a week. DD has it now. It's going around heavy around here. Doctors offices are swamped with this viral infection going around. We made it all winter without getting sick. Now that spring is here, we're all getting sick :

I was at a baby shower a while back--me and my almost 2 year old, getting bigger by the day and slowly losing that babyness. An old friend was there with her itty bitty brand new baby. Itty bitty. I was ecstatic to see her and her baby (for the first time). I wanted to hold that tiny baby soooooo bad.

But I would never in a million years flat out ask someone to hold their baby--not even a good friend. I patiently waited for her to offer me to hold the baby. If she never offered, I wouldn't have asked. I don't understand people who rush up to hold an infant who needs their mother. *shrugs*
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Old 04-08-2009, 08:50 PM
 
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I think you've had some great ideas from PP about wearing your baby in a sling, and I hope the trip will be much less stressful than you fear!

But I just wanted to say - as much as a response to PP as the OP - that there is nothing odd or unsavory about people wanting to hold your baby. Babies are a source of joy and wonder and in my experience, most people melt at the thought of holding a sweet, perfectly-scented little monkey! Most people wouldn't dream of trying to take the baby away, or hold on when the baby needs to be with Mama. They just want to share in that joy for a few moments. Perhaps to remind them of when their children were tiny.

If you aren't comfortable with it, that's your prerogative. But please don't ascribe ulterior motives to where they rarely exist.

Mama to my monkey since March 2008, wife to my husband since February 2004. After three early losses, we were successful with IVF!  joy.gif
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Old 04-08-2009, 09:00 PM
 
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Also, we always asked people to wash their hands first. Very helpful in a big group. It can be doctor's orders too.

Personally, I will usually ask to hold, after washing my hand, a non-slinged baby and won't ask to hold a slinged baby. And I am not at all offended when someone says no. But I never offerred my infant. A lot of people really don't want to hold them.
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Old 04-08-2009, 09:36 PM
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I think you've had some great ideas from PP about wearing your baby in a sling, and I hope the trip will be much less stressful than you fear!

But I just wanted to say - as much as a response to PP as the OP - that there is nothing odd or unsavory about people wanting to hold your baby. Babies are a source of joy and wonder and in my experience, most people melt at the thought of holding a sweet, perfectly-scented little monkey! Most people wouldn't dream of trying to take the baby away, or hold on when the baby needs to be with Mama. They just want to share in that joy for a few moments. Perhaps to remind them of when their children were tiny.

If you aren't comfortable with it, that's your prerogative. But please don't ascribe ulterior motives to where they rarely exist.
:

In our family, babies are treasured, and little ones at family gatherings are quite popular. :
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Old 04-08-2009, 10:31 PM
 
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If you aren't comfortable with it, that's your prerogative. But please don't ascribe ulterior motives to where they rarely exist.
Normally, I agree with this sentiment, but it sounds as though the people at this particular gathering are known child abusers.
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Old 04-08-2009, 10:39 PM
 
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Wear your baby. All the time. I wish I had better advice for you, but I don't. In your shoes I would just be flying by the seat of my pants, and I'd opt to wear, wear, wear, that baby!.
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Old 04-08-2009, 10:44 PM
 
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I found wearing my son (the more complicated the sling/wrap, the better) was a huge deterrent. Actually I got so used to it that even when there were people around who I didn't mind holding him, I'd forget to offer (my poor sister in law finally said something--this was her only niece/nephew). I'm super picky about who holds my baby. I think we should all listen to our gut instincts on that one.

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Old 04-08-2009, 11:16 PM
 
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The funny thing is, I never understood "pass the baby". I'm not one to reach for other people's babies. I assume they want to hold their children. it freaks me out when people try to force their baby on me, "Don't you want to hold the baby?" Um, no, it isn't mine!

back to the OP, wrap that baby up in the moby and I bet no one will come near him! You'll be all set! And if all else fails, just leave early. That's my solution for dealing with my IL's.

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Old 04-09-2009, 12:58 AM
 
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I just flat out tell people she doesn't like to be passed around, it makes her fussy and overstimulated. Some think if she is sleeping she is happy and I let them know she is probably sleeping because that is what some babes do when overstimlulated. Some look at me like I am nuts, some get it.
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Old 04-09-2009, 03:59 AM
 
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I think you've had some great ideas from PP about wearing your baby in a sling, and I hope the trip will be much less stressful than you fear!

But I just wanted to say - as much as a response to PP as the OP - that there is nothing odd or unsavory about people wanting to hold your baby. Babies are a source of joy and wonder and in my experience, most people melt at the thought of holding a sweet, perfectly-scented little monkey! Most people wouldn't dream of trying to take the baby away, or hold on when the baby needs to be with Mama. They just want to share in that joy for a few moments. Perhaps to remind them of when their children were tiny.

If you aren't comfortable with it, that's your prerogative. But please don't ascribe ulterior motives to where they rarely exist.

I posted previously to keep baby in a sling. But I also agree with this above.

When dd was itty bitty, I was very selfish with her. I was a brand new mama and she was my baby. But as dd grew, I grew. When she started crawling (5 months), I had the first bitter sweet moment of "my baby is growing up so fast". It was around that age that I started letting people hold dd more often. It was around that age that I realized, "One day my baby will be a grown woman and I will long to hold another baby again, just like this woman next to me who needs to hold my daughter in her arms for just a few minutes to have that joy again....."

It took 5 months to get to that point, but I'm glad I did. The OP's baby is 3 months old, if I remember correctly. When dd was 3 months old, I was still a raging mother bear. When she's ready, she will let others share in the joy of holding her babe. Each mama has to go at her own pace. And there is nothing wrong with that.
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Old 04-09-2009, 08:44 AM
 
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I understand. Just remember that YOU are the mama and you get to make the decisons, even if it annoys other people. It will be ok. I have found with each child and as they get older I get more and more confident about telling people whatever I need to tell them, and if they get irritated - well that is their problem not mine. Its my job to watch out for my kids and that is all.
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