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Need help with adjustment to 2nd child

505 views 8 replies 6 participants last post by  mama_mojo 
#1 ·
My whole family is out of whack after the birth of my 2nd child nine days ago. I know that it takes time, but I really need some advice. My son, who will be two this weekend is taking it the hardest. He's throwing things, won't listen, hitting (everyone, including the baby) refusing to sleep, yelling and he does not like me right now. (pushes me away, says "no Mama.") My husband is stressed to the max, both of us have been sick, which does not help. His reaction is to yell at ds a lot and kind of retreat. I really need his help right now and I am not getting as much as I need. He thinks he's doing a lot... and he is trying... and I know he's been sick... but so have I and I JUST had a baby!

Baby is kind of high needs at the moment... she won't let us set her down, even when asleep for more than about five minutes. Which would be fine, but DS is so jealous... I want to spend time with him where I am not holding/wearing his sister.

Even our dogs are picking up on the stress level in this house and acting out. Which of course only stresses us out more (two crying kids and a puddle dog pee on the floor ... not fun)

What can we do to make it easier? Anyone have any great gentle discipline ideas for a toddler who won't listen and won't sleep? I know we're all adjusting, but if there's anything to make it easier in the mean time I would love to hear it.
 
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#2 ·
Do the opposite of whatever you're doing? Like if you're staying in to babymoon, then DH can take DS out? Or if you have had lots of company and/or been out and about, stay quietly home?

Someone maximize sleeping opportunities for DS, watch closely for sleep opportunities and seize them. A well- rested child is more resilient.

Think of the baby as part of you still, as if you are still pregnant. This may sound weird, and maybe it won't work for you, but DS could adjust to the baby by the baby just being an appendage as much as possible. The baby just needs to be with you in an appendage sort of way, and at this age, does not need alot of interaction anyway, so save interaction for the older child.

Good luck- sleep- everyone needs as much sleep as possible- and congratulations!
 
#3 ·
We seem to do better if we get out, but with dh and I being sick, it's been harder the past few days.

We are having trouble getting ds to sleep at all. It does not matter how tired he is. I know that's part of why he is acting out. He's been through a lot - we moved - twice- within six weeks of new baby coming and at the same time he learned to get out of his crib, so we tried to transition him to a toddler bed, which didn't work- so now he's back in bed with us. Actually, he is in bed with DH and I am on the sofa with the DD (don't jump on dh- I chose the sofa so that DS is not distracted by dd waking at night)
It takes dh over an hour to get ds to go to sleep. He used to go down, by himself in minutes. I wish I could take over some of the bed time stuff, but the newborn needs me more atm.
If a nap happens, it's because we were in the car. It's the only way I can get him to sleep in the daytime now, in spite of the fact that he is very, very tired.
 
#4 ·
It's so rough for the first month or so, trying to get into the new routine of a larger family.
Your DS2 really has a lot going on alll at once. I think things will settle down within the next couple of weeks, and it sounds right now as if you're doing everything right.
 
#5 ·
Hang in there, mama. My boys are close in age and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
To say it was tough on me and my husband is understating things a bit.

The #1 help was if someone would take my oldest to the park/outside without younger sib. Being 2 years old is chock full of tantrums, screaming, yelling, and hitting even without a younger sibling and high stress level in the house. I have found that that age they are intense because they are big minds in little bodies.
Outside = good.

As far as sleep, my oldest and my husband slept together, I was in the other bedroom with the baby. We have had quite the game of musical beds since my younger son was born. And, thanks to my oldest son's noise and activity level, the only way I could settle my youngest down for a nap was in the car. Not a good solution, but better than me going insane. Sleep is the highest priority in this house, seriously.

Going from mothering one to two was really, really difficult for all of us. But, we're still all here today. For me, I just get by day to day. My standards are much lower now, but so is my stress.
 
#7 ·
I am not there yet, but I do have a 2.5 y/o and much of this behavior doesn't just sound like him acting out because of the baby, but just generally being a 2 y/o. I hate to say it but they can be a total and complete PITA, my DD has just gone though a terrible phase of non-napping, non-sleeping, cranky daily tantrumming mess of a child. She was the sweetest, nicest baby, but holy-moly this kid has been a train-wreck much of the time since she was just about 2.

It doesn't help that there is a new baby and moving causing MAJOR upheaval in his life. Are you doing a routine with him? I know you said that you and your DH are sick, which definitely does not help the situation. Heal up a bit, have Dad take him out to the park to run, jump and just play. I seriously can understand with the difficult 2 y/o they have so much emotions and no self control so they just go crazy when faced with a new situation(maybe not all but my DD sure does). I hate to say it, but we just went through a major transitional phase with DD, same type of scenario you have going on. Dh has been sleeping with her, I have been sleeping alone in our bed(because I am 14 wks pg and have been soooo tired, I just need that sleep). Last week he was done, I'm talking so over it. We made a decision it was time for her to sleep alone, the time had just come for our family. She had a couple rough nights, and has a new teddy bear to console her. We also are giving her Calm Child by Planetary Herbals, it just helps her to relax, because she is so high strung. We all are getting sleep again, and it makes for such a sweeter, nicer toddler who is not freaking out and emotional over the dog walking by her. She was having a hard time with just about everything there for awhile.

I hope things start to smooth out for you. I'm going to be there come Oct, my DD will be 3-I have no idea if that will be better or worse.
 
#8 ·
Thanks everyone for your support and ideas. If nothing else, it is great to have a place to vent.

I do have some help, my mom and dad have been taking ds overnight occasionally, but right now they are sick too.

I will look into Calm Child... maybe it would help him at bedtime. I miss sleeping next to dh.

The park is normally our savior. If he gets to run around he is much happier. I will be so glad when we're healthy again.

Anyone have any ideas as to how to keep him occupied while I nurse dd? This sets him off more than anything. TV works, but I feel bad he's watching so much these days. We used to limit to 30 min every other day.
 
#9 ·
He's going to have to adapt to you nursing, so pick things that are inline with your values. A box of toys special for nursing time? Some electronic gizmo that you might not normally allow? Could you sit beside him as you nurse and let him paint or color? Is there some type of book he likes to look at? (DS used to peruse Mothering magazine when DD1 nursed.) We also had a couple of DK truck books that he would look at a million times for long stretches of time. Do you know some hand games you can do one- handed, like this little piggy or mama told you not to touch the baby? Does he like lacing cards? Is he able to do simple puzzles? You could make a bridge with your legs for him to drive cars under? You could tell him stories about when he was a baby. You could tell him fairy tales you know by heart. You could sit in the bathroom and nurse while he plays with water in the sink or while he plays in the tub.
 
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