Who else is sad about the IDEA of being "done"? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 26 Old 04-14-2009, 09:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have two beautiful boys that I am so thankful for. Dh and I haven't decided if we want one (his preference) or two more (my preference). But I am pretty sure that he will say he is "done" after our next one. There is also something in the very back of my mind that tells me I actually might feel like our family is complete then too but I EVERY time I think of it I get SO sad. Like want to blubber-cry sad. I don't think it's really about how many kids it's just the idea of not having BABIES any more. Does any one else feel like this? How do you deal with it?

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#2 of 26 Old 04-14-2009, 09:51 PM
 
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I think about this all of the time. I rationally realize that at some point in time we'll have to stop having babies, and I keep waiting to "feel done", so that I may accept being done a little easier, but it hasn't happened yet... (Everyone keeps telling me that I'll 'know' when I'm done - it hasn't happened yet and my 3rd is 7 mos)
I think that my husband is done now, which makes me especially teary, too.

Honestly, I know that this isn't healthy, but I keep repressing these emotions because, frankly, I don't know what else to do. It really sucks.
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#3 of 26 Old 04-14-2009, 09:52 PM
 
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This is a hard one for me right now. I was just divorced. My ex has moved in with his girlfriend, whom he impregnated while we were married... on my birthday. She is due a year before WE had planned to have our next.

I am in my 3rd year of school, and had planned to finish and then get pregnant. Now that I am single again, I know it is a time to focus on my education, stay the course, and once I'm finished, build my practice.

I had a total breakdown the other day realizing that dd might be it, for me. I have been mourning the loss of that 2nd child with the man I loved... the spirit that was around me, the spirit of the child I would have had, is no longer with me... I feel that spirit's absence. And on the heels of that mourning, I was struck by realizing that if I am true to my course, there may be no other children because I'll be 34 this year, and won't be free of school for at least 6 years... If I just plough through.

We had planned that I'd take a break between Master's and Doctorate for the next baby... Now it just isn't in the cards to take that break... but not taking that break means committing to the path ahead. I feel strongly that it's important to give all of my love to my child and myself, and keep my nose to the grind stone, vs getting caught up in trying to date & find someone special, cultivate a deep relationship... etc.

I'm really struggling with the idea that dd will be an only child.

I never wanted to be a single mom, and I never wanted an only child.
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#4 of 26 Old 04-14-2009, 09:56 PM
 
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You know, I am pretty sure we are going to be 'done' after this one, but it's bittersweet, as opposed to simply sad. I'm about ready to move forward with life beyond 'babies' but, there are some pangs when I realize that this is my last pregnancy etc...
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#5 of 26 Old 04-14-2009, 09:57 PM
 
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I'm sad, too. In fact everytime I ovulate I feel like its wasted.

DH is "open" but I think its just to make me feel better. Like no time will ever be right, but he doesn't want to tell me he's done forever. I sold/gave away all my baby stuff thinking it would help, but at this point with DD1 at 5 and DD2 at 3 I feel achy inside for another.

Oh well. Once it is *too late* I'm sure it will get easier... right?

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#6 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 12:13 AM
 
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I recently had to have a hysterectomy, and even though I knew I was happy with only one child the realization that I will never nurse a baby again is very hard.
The thing is - I really prefer us to be a family of 3. It's just the whole baby thing is so irresistable, their soft snuggly bodies and cute little sounds. I told dh the other night that this is probably a commone feeling if you have 1 child or 7 children.
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#7 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 02:38 AM
 
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I'm sad about this, and my youngest is only three months. I try to not miss a thing, knowing this will probably be my last child, for a number of reasons. I love that special something about babies, and the thought of not having any more babies is difficult. I do feel blessed with my existing kids though !

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#8 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 05:21 AM
 
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DH told me the other night that he was done.

DS2 is almost 11 months old. The last 8 months have been *very* hard for us. I suffer from depression and find just two children a stretch which means alot of pressure is on DH.

Anyway, long story short, although logically I know that having a third could really be the undoing of us, whenever I pictured my family it was always a big family with three or four kids and it makes me sad to think that won't happen. Plus I feel sad for not appreciating my last pregnancy more, or all the firsts that I won't see again.

It's complicated.
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#9 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 09:28 AM
 
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I'm having a hard time with this. I'm pretty sure we're done, but I wish we could have another. Dd is 6 months old, and it's making me sad that her baby days are going so fast! I want to cuddle her and make her laugh forever! I wish I had the support for another kid....but I just don't think it's going to happen.

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#10 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 10:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mamatotwo View Post
I think about this all of the time. I rationally realize that at some point in time we'll have to stop having babies, and I keep waiting to "feel done", so that I may accept being done a little easier, but it hasn't happened yet... (Everyone keeps telling me that I'll 'know' when I'm done - it hasn't happened yet and my 3rd is 7 mos)
I think that my husband is done now, which makes me especially teary, too.

Honestly, I know that this isn't healthy, but I keep repressing these emotions because, frankly, I don't know what else to do. It really sucks.
Yes! I think I am repressing as well which is why when I do think about it it's a little over the top. I was SO teary yesterday.

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Originally Posted by confustication View Post
You know, I am pretty sure we are going to be 'done' after this one, but it's bittersweet, as opposed to simply sad. I'm about ready to move forward with life beyond 'babies' but, there are some pangs when I realize that this is my last pregnancy etc...
Yep to this too. I am enjoying my 3 year old. He is so much fun and I know that there is a lot to look forward to. But there is something about a baby and being that babe's mama. Babies are really easy for me. I find my 3 year old much more challenging. Maybe that's part of it. I don't know.

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Originally Posted by PrennaMama View Post
This is a hard one for me right now. I was just divorced. My ex has moved in with his girlfriend, whom he impregnated while we were married... on my birthday. She is due a year before WE had planned to have our next.

I am in my 3rd year of school, and had planned to finish and then get pregnant. Now that I am single again, I know it is a time to focus on my education, stay the course, and once I'm finished, build my practice.

I had a total breakdown the other day realizing that dd might be it, for me. I have been mourning the loss of that 2nd child with the man I loved... the spirit that was around me, the spirit of the child I would have had, is no longer with me... I feel that spirit's absence. And on the heels of that mourning, I was struck by realizing that if I am true to my course, there may be no other children because I'll be 34 this year, and won't be free of school for at least 6 years... If I just plough through.

We had planned that I'd take a break between Master's and Doctorate for the next baby... Now it just isn't in the cards to take that break... but not taking that break means committing to the path ahead. I feel strongly that it's important to give all of my love to my child and myself, and keep my nose to the grind stone, vs getting caught up in trying to date & find someone special, cultivate a deep relationship... etc.

I'm really struggling with the idea that dd will be an only child.

I never wanted to be a single mom, and I never wanted an only child.

April thankful mommy to my boys Big Red 3/06 Little Z 9/08 and happily awaiting the arrival of 10/10 :
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#11 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 04:53 PM
 
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I get terribly emotional thinking about our 9mth old being the last but he definately is. To be honest, I am ready to move past the baby stage too. It's just, I love being pregnant, I love giving birth, I love newborns, I love everything about having babies. I have been blessed x4, now it's time to move on. Doesn't mean I don't or won't cry every once in a while.

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#12 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 04:58 PM
 
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I'm sad about it every day. Dealing with infertility here. TTC our 2nd living child for over 2 years. Sometimes I just wish I could accept and be happy with the one we have.

Proud mom to superhero.gifds2 (7/05), angel2.gif ds 1 (born into heaven at 38 weeks 11/03), and 5 more angels angel.gif (4/02) angel.gif (7/10) angel.gifangel.gif (11/10) angel.gif (11/12)

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#13 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 04:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Aww yeah, pauletoy I think it's normal when you are done.
But I'm not. I might still be only half way there but I am already mourning that loss. I've pretty much decided I am just still a mess of hormones. And how easily I can cry confirms it. Big old messy mess, that's me.

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#14 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 05:01 PM
 
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Definitely. I'm very satisfied with my life with 3 kids, and enjoy the fact that I'm not changing diapers anymore. But every time I see a baby nursing, I just ACHE. But I'm 41 and DH is 45. Not a rational thought for us, even if it's natural, to want another baby. Sigh.

~~Kristina~~ Mama to DS(10/30/01), DD1(VBAC 3/28/04) and DD2(HBAC 5/21/06)
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#15 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 05:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by JayGee View Post
Definitely. I'm very satisfied with my life with 3 kids, and enjoy the fact that I'm not changing diapers anymore. But every time I see a baby nursing, I just ACHE. But I'm 41 and DH is 45. Not a rational thought for us, even if it's natural, to want another baby. Sigh.
YES!!! I feel that ache a little now and I have a nursling.
I was talking to my friend today and I think part of it is how much faster time has flown with ds2. I know I soak it up every second but it's of little comfort when I blink and he's another month old. I thought time flew with ds1 but it was nothing compared to this. Strange how it seems faster with a second. Has that been anyone else's experience?
Ds2 is starting to crawl already!!! It really has me amazed at how quick the first year goes.

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#16 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 05:12 PM
 
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we have three.. and I *really* want more

my partner, however, is just as done as I am not

I don't know how to deal with it, although I am sure that I do not want to become pregnant with an unwanted baby (very wanted by me though!).

We are using withdrawl- with no ppaf- and we both know that it is possible for him to knock me up again (our two bio dd weren't planned) which leaves me thinking about it, a lot. I also wonder if he will really be ok with a pregnancy if/when it happens (since he's not pushing other 'protection').

I cry whenever he says that we're not having more though, which seems to be when he's stressed. I also tend to tell him that I want a baby when I'm drinking surprises me as much as it does him

so, no real advise, but many

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#17 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 05:18 PM
 
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Aww yeah, pauletoy I think it's normal when you are done.
But I'm not. I might still be only half way there but I am already mourning that loss. I've pretty much decided I am just still a mess of hormones. And how easily I can cry confirms it. Big old messy mess, that's me.
We decided we were done after 3 before #3 was born. After she was born, I would look at our family pictures and have this overwelming feeling that there was someone missing. DH didn't see it but we did ultimately agree on #4. So, my point is, enjoy each as they come, you'll know when your family picture is complete. What helped us agree on having #4, was for me to lay all of my feelings on the line, no holding back, and really listening to DH's feelings too. Just rambling here. No real point to this post.

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#18 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 05:22 PM
 
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We are using withdrawl- with no ppaf- and we both know that it is possible for him to knock me up again (our two bio dd weren't planned) which leaves me thinking about it, a lot. I also wonder if he will really be ok with a pregnancy if/when it happens (since he's not pushing other 'protection').
If he were completely opposed to it, he would take care of the birth control. Doesn't hurt to dream of little accident

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#19 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 05:53 PM
 
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Yes. I feel sad. And I know we are done. DH had a vasectomy. And yet every month I still daydream about one getting past. I am done for lots of reasons but I cant help but be alittle sad about it. Maybe its just because that part of my life - such a huge, monumental, dramatic, intense, exciting part of my life- is over.
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#20 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 07:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by pauletoy View Post
We decided we were done after 3 before #3 was born. After she was born, I would look at our family pictures and have this overwelming feeling that there was someone missing. DH didn't see it but we did ultimately agree on #4. So, my point is, enjoy each as they come, you'll know when your family picture is complete. What helped us agree on having #4, was for me to lay all of my feelings on the line, no holding back, and really listening to DH's feelings too. Just rambling here. No real point to this post.
Ramble away, it is good advice.

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#21 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 09:11 PM
 
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I go back and forth. I recently had to be sterilized because I have a 60% chance of dying if I get pregnant again, which is a risk DH isn't willing to take (personally I think I'd be fine, but that's just because it's hard to kill me off.) Most of the time I am glad to be done as newborn-babyhood was very hard for me. I never really wanted to be a parent, but now that I am I'm okay with it, I just miss being non-parent sometimes, you know?

But sometimes it is VERY hard and I cry and carry on. I really wanted to have at least 2 kids (before my pregnancy we wanted 4 kids) and I feel so terrible that I wasn't able to enjoy a final pregnancy (or at least try to!) or to try to not have a preemie, or a C-section, and to try breastfeeding since it didn't work out the first time around. There's a lot of things I wish I could have done differently that I had planned on doing with #2. Now I just have to suck it up and move on with my life. And it's super hard knowing I will never have a baby girl (although if we'd had a boy I would have been happy with that too.) And knowing that I can't give DH more kids, etc etc etc.

Most of the time I'm okay, but other times it's just so hard.

Kris - married to Nate since 12/06, mom to Toby since 1/08. Also servant to two felines. Done having babies for medical reasons.

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#22 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 09:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by pauletoy View Post
If he were completely opposed to it, he would take care of the birth control. Doesn't hurt to dream of little accident
haha, that's how I like to think of it

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#23 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 11:23 PM
 
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It looks like we are not going to have any more... It took years to conceive our 5 year old and we've not been avoiding pregnancy since she was born. I'm 40 and peri-menapausal, also, which doesn't stack the odds in our favor. We continue to be open to life but honestly I try not to dwell on it much.

It pains me a lot sometimes. I never got to the point where I felt our family is complete, that we're done, and I was hoping to feel that way at some point! I get the baby nummies so easily, and my kids long for another sibling... The grief is mellowing some with time, thankfully.

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#24 of 26 Old 04-15-2009, 11:26 PM
 
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I get a bit sad. I've got two. They're fabulous. I also had an itch for 4 LOs. But I'm getting divorced. Alas. I would like to date and possibly marry again. For my and my children's sake, my top priorities in a potential BF/DH are 1. compassionate, committed husband 2. excellent stepfather. If I find someone who fits those criteria who wants children - slam dunk! If I find someone who fits them, but does not want children (or more children), I would not prioritize more children over partnership and stepfather potential.
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#25 of 26 Old 04-16-2009, 02:44 AM
 
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Yes, I'm very sad about it, but in my case it is not a choice. I am physically unable to have children (I had to get my tubes removed). It's been very difficult to accept. I would have loved a 4th.

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#26 of 26 Old 04-16-2009, 06:34 AM
 
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Now that I see ds2 growing up so fast I often think of not being done. Emotionally, not, but rationally and practically I believe it is best for us to stick with a family of 4 (two children). I think of economical reasons like education fees (extremely high in this country, not where I grew up), private extra language class, university, I think of cost of airplane rides (my family abroad, dah's at other end of country) so much less likely to go to my country of origin and family with our children, a spacier and expensive car needed. Two very high energy children and not seeing how to deal with another baby. Dh seems absolutely done, bot rationally and emotionally. We do not exclude an accident (we are not getting invasive ant,-conception) so 3 could be possible, but not by choice. But then I fear it might take it's toll on our personal life as in possibilities for all.

Overall, I sometimes feel sad for being done but not being able to accept not becoming the mother of another baby again.

At least, ds2 is extbf and we enjoy it so much!

Me:,loving HB,two active sons of 3 & 5,1 cat, nature lover,,extbf,occ,SAHM, multicultural/lingual family,+/-cl, :become a better parent/person by not expecting to be the perfect parent/person
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