Thanks...MIL's choices lately...are sitting better with me now :) - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 04-21-2009, 05:44 PM
 
Throkmorton's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: The sunny beaches of Canada
Posts: 4,043
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It would probably be a good idea to buy Grandma some boosters, or have her do it herself.

They don't need to be anything overly fancy. Backless boosters are pretty easy for grandparents to figure out and are pretty inexpensive.
Here is a link to a 2-pack. http://www.walmart.com/catalog/produ...ct_id=10745675
Throkmorton is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-21-2009, 05:52 PM
 
katmann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: in a bowl
Posts: 595
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by dillonandmarasmom View Post
Oh, and I am not buying her any boosters. Just can't do that. As it is, I need an extra set here for the kids I watch, so that's not an option. I'd rather pay a sitter. MIL has money coming out of her ears.

Thanks everyone. I will leave the boosters regardless of what she says from now on (if they still continue to go there). It's not much trouble, and way cheaper than just buying another set...I can't "just buy" anything these days.
I was thinking that she might buy booster seats, if it's important to take your kids out. Hard to suggest this without being confrontational, though. Maybe just leave your seats EVERY TIME so she has no excuse not to use them. All the other advice you've gotten on "the talk" is good, too.

I should probably be doing something else right now.
katmann is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 10:52 PM
 
RockStarMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: California
Posts: 1,250
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would seriously reconsider whether or not you can trust her judgment. It sounds like, with the food thing, she doesn't respect your parenting choices, which isn't deadly with junk food, but can be with carseats and other things.
RockStarMom is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 10:53 PM
 
Heavenly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 4,743
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by dillonandmarasmom View Post
Oh, and I am not buying her any boosters. Just can't do that. As it is, I need an extra set here for the kids I watch, so that's not an option. I'd rather pay a sitter. MIL has money coming out of her ears.

Thanks everyone. I will leave the boosters regardless of what she says from now on (if they still continue to go there). It's not much trouble, and way cheaper than just buying another set...I can't "just buy" anything these days.
You can get a booster seat for $20 dollars. That's how much my extra one for each child cost. If she is so well off why not ask her to buy some boosters. Make it a big thing, like, "I appreciate you watching the kids so much but I don't want you to feel confined to the house when they are with you. I don't have the money to buy extra boosters right now so I was wondering if you would be willing to buy some so that you and the kids have more freedom."

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
Heavenly is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 10:56 PM
 
Heavenly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 4,743
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by dillonandmarasmom View Post

Okay, now I have to gear up to have a talk, possibly look into hiring a babysitter, and potentially causing alot of grief in the family....
I think you are overreacting. Yes, she did a really stupid thing. But people make mistakes. I don't think she was acting maliciously. I think she honestly thought it was okay, just this once. Obviously it wasn't but why can you just be a calm adult and sit down and calmy discuss it with her. To basically tell her she's unfit to care for your children? Wow.

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
Heavenly is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 10:57 PM
 
Heavenly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 4,743
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by syn_ack89 View Post
For me, the grief of hiring a babysitter is better than the grief of a dead or seriously injured child. The going without boosters would be a deal-breaker for me...especially because she DOES know better.
Don't you think that is a little overdramatic? She made a mistake, ONE time. Why not just talk to her calmly? Why look for a huge fight when there doesn't need to be one.

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
Heavenly is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 10:59 PM
 
lilyka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 17,896
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I would leave booster seats for her (actually this is what we did). Many parents even today are hard pressed to see the need for carseats for a 4 and six year old and wouldn't consider it a necessity. how much more for our parents generation? It sounds like she will use them if she has them even if she doesn't see the big deal. So to avoid the temptation of her just blowing off car seats as a "nice if you have them but not necessary at this age every once in a while" sort of thing I would just make sure she has some. it may seem like a big expense but if you are getting free babysitting it is a good pay off. You could easily pay for a booster with what you would pay for a week of childcare . . . . and sometimes mending family relationships is worth $20-$40. of course if you don;t mind taking them out of your car every time I guess that's not a big deal either. either way solves the problem. but it kinda sounds like you are looking for an excuse for her to not watch them anyway . . . .

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

lilyka is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 11:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
dillonandmarasmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: here, but dreaming of there...
Posts: 3,350
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heavenly View Post
Don't you think that is a little overdramatic? She made a mistake, ONE time. Why not just talk to her calmly? Why look for a huge fight when there doesn't need to be one.
I don't think it's dramatic. Anything can happen. That's life.
And, she has done it more than once, and has been asked not to do it again.

Like I said, she is forgetful, loses things,a nd does things she knows we don't feel comfortable with.

Darcy mama to Dillon, Marah and Leo, partner to Jeremy
dillonandmarasmom is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 11:05 PM
 
mamazee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: US midwest
Posts: 7,246
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by dillonandmarasmom View Post
Oh, and I am not buying her any boosters. Just can't do that. As it is, I need an extra set here for the kids I watch, so that's not an option. I'd rather pay a sitter. MIL has money coming out of her ears.

Thanks everyone. I will leave the boosters regardless of what she says from now on (if they still continue to go there). It's not much trouble, and way cheaper than just buying another set...I can't "just buy" anything these days.
I am a little confused. In the post immediately before this, you said you could afford to pay a babysitter instead of getting free babysitting from your MIL. But you can't afford two booster seats? I'd much rather my children be cared for by someone who truly loves them. And babysitters could make mistakes too. I'd just buy the booster seats and ask her to use them from now on.
mamazee is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 11:06 PM
 
lilyka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 17,896
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
It is a great idea to leave the boosters. I try to keep ours with the kids just in case of emergency even. Both of my boys have asthma though, and the youngest has had a handful of concussions. I get my hubby to leave the carseats with us when he goes to work so that I have them in case of emergency. We do the same if we leave them with anyone.
ITA I never leave my kids with anyone without a car seat in case there is an emergency (well none of them are in boosters anymore but when they were. . . . ). Also if I am leaving my kids with adults they are free to drive them where ever they want. I would never dream of making an adult sitter ask me permission to take my kids somewhere . . . Is this just about the car seats or is it because she didn't ask your permission to go somewhere with your kids? I don't know, it just seems like you would rather she not babysit any more. but to be honest I have had far more problems with non relative babysitters making stupid choices than grandparents.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

lilyka is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 11:11 PM
 
aniT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oregon, by way of Cali.
Posts: 15,239
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
Eh. At four and six, I think you'd be best off buying her boosters and letting her take the kids around town. Expecting her to stay in for 3 hours when she's doing a regular, free babysitting gig for you is not reasonable IMO. Honestly, it sounds like you have been trying to passive-aggressively confine her and the kids to the house by NOT providing boosters.

Of course, if she has some sort of condition that makes her an abnormally unsafe driver, that is a whole 'nother aspect to the negotiations. But in general, if you want to be able to dictate your sitter's daily routine, then your sitter needs to be somebody that you are actually paying.
I don't agree with this. Near Sacramento this close to summer depending on the time of day, it is better to stay home providing they have AC. It just gets too damn hot down there and kids get hot so easily. I never took my kids out running around in the afternoon when I lived in the Valley. I grew up there. It can get up to 115 in the summer. That kind of heat just steals your breath away.

Also if she can't be trusted to use a booster seat, can she be trusted not to leave one or both of the kids in the car for a few minutes?
aniT is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 11:21 PM
 
ProtoLawyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,968
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Keep in mind that almost none of us used boosters--at least, they were unheard of when I was growing up (and I was/am short and could have used one!).

I'm not saying this to claim that it's safe or to throw out the "WE didn't do it and WE obviously survived" canard--but I can see where someone of an older generation, whose kids graduated from the car seat and into a seatbelt at 4 (and got to sit up front!) not really understanding the big deal.

This is a mistake I'd be willing to excuse ONCE. Maybe your MIL needed a "come to Jesus" moment to understand the big deal.

Next time, though, it becomes willful disregard of your wishes, and it may be time to find someone else to watch them. (It also may be time anyway, if you feel you can't relax when your kids are in her care because of this.)

ProtoLawyer (the now-actual lawyer, this isn't legal advice,  please don't take legal advice from some anonymous yahoo on the Internet)
Spouse (the political geek) * Stepdaughter (the artist) * and introducing...the Baby (um, he's a baby? He likes shiny things).
ProtoLawyer is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 11:21 PM
 
Breeder's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Durham, NC
Posts: 1,855
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heavenly View Post
I think you are overreacting. Yes, she did a really stupid thing. But people make mistakes. I don't think she was acting maliciously. I think she honestly thought it was okay, just this once. Obviously it wasn't but why can you just be a calm adult and sit down and calmy discuss it with her. To basically tell her she's unfit to care for your children? Wow.
I don't think you're being overreacting at all. Your MIL didn't just make a mistake, she put your children's lifes in danger and then wasn't going to tell you about it. Thank goodness they are okay. But I don't think people would say you were overreacting if she had let your kids play with a knife (which people back in the day did all the time) just because they escaped unharmed.

You can discuss the matter calmly, always leave the carseats etc. But you should in no way downplay the danger involved in her actions.

And if you truly do not feel comfortable with her judgement - deep down, not just from the shock of this incident. By all means find someone else to watch the kids. Just because she truly loves them doesn't guarantee she is able to care for them responsibly.

Hope this turns out well for you.

Breeder Mama: = wife to an amazing man + mama to J-Bear (07/02) and E-Train (06/08), nanny to Little Bird (07/10).

Breeder is offline  
Old 04-21-2009, 11:43 PM
 
aniT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oregon, by way of Cali.
Posts: 15,239
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
I'm not saying this to claim that it's safe or to throw out the "WE didn't do it and WE obviously survived" canard--but I can see where someone of an older generation, whose kids graduated from the car seat and into a seatbelt at 4 (and got to sit up front!) not really understanding the big deal.
We depending on the age.. it is likely her kids never had a car seat in the first place. Although I think my brother had some weird contraption in '78 but it wasn't a law. I know my other brother and I never had car seats period. Also my oldest daughter graduated from a car seat to a seat belt at 4. She is 15. So I think you might be a bit off in your "older" generation assumptions there.
aniT is offline  
Old 04-22-2009, 12:09 AM
 
Smithie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,422
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
"Near Sacramento this close to summer depending on the time of day, it is better to stay home providing they have AC."

I think that that's a totally reasonable opinion. But it's the kind of restriction you can only put on somebody who doing childcare for you as a job.

If the OP is uncomfortable with the way that the kids fitting into her MIL's daily routine, then she needs to get a paid child care provider. There's nothing wrong with that.
Smithie is offline  
Old 04-22-2009, 12:19 AM
 
aniT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oregon, by way of Cali.
Posts: 15,239
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
I think that that's a totally reasonable opinion. But it's the kind of restriction you can only put on somebody who doing childcare for you as a job.
No it can't. It is for the safety of the children. Thats like saying you can only expect a paid childcare provider to use car seats. They TELL YOU NOT TO GO OUTSIDE between such and such hours of the day down there. I grew up there. The summers are awful. Spare the air days and everything else. bah.
aniT is offline  
Old 04-22-2009, 12:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
dillonandmarasmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: here, but dreaming of there...
Posts: 3,350
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Multimomma View Post
I understand the frustration of knowing your kids were driven without carseats. Totally. But I don't understand why You can't buy two inexpensive boosters to leave there, but you can afford a babysitter?

Grandma's like to show off their kids. And it's really fun to do stuff with grandma! Don't expect them to just sit at the house...let them build relationships in their own manner.
Neither, really. I said I'd *rather* get a babysitter than deal witht he boosters and her half truths, carelessness,and forgetfulness.

Sheesh, are we splitting hairs here??

Look, she's just done these things for a while now, and I am feeling done with it.

Darcy mama to Dillon, Marah and Leo, partner to Jeremy
dillonandmarasmom is offline  
Old 04-22-2009, 12:48 AM
 
Samhain Hunter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Where the windhorses dance.
Posts: 63
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
Expecting her to stay in for 3 hours when she's doing a regular, free babysitting gig for you is not reasonable IMO.
That is the most absurd thing I've read in ages. Seriously? Three hours a week, inside with her grandchildren to play with? A park within a few blocks walk? Seriously? Wow.
Samhain Hunter is offline  
Old 04-22-2009, 01:59 PM
 
BRmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: In between the mountains
Posts: 882
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by dillonandmarasmom View Post
Neither, really. I said I'd *rather* get a babysitter than deal witht he boosters and her half truths, carelessness,and forgetfulness.

Sheesh, are we splitting hairs here??

Look, she's just done these things for a while now, and I am feeling done with it.
First of all s. It's a tough situation to be in when there's family involved. I read your post and a few responses but haven't read all responses. Just to gather some more info..how old is she? Is she just at the point of being forgetful with even some of her things? If you think you're done with it, then calmly have a heart to heart with her and just explain that while you're so grateful for all her care that she's done to your kids while she watched them that you want to relieve her of some of the responsibilities/burden...etc. (I know it's never a burden for grandmas to watch their grandkids and they love doing it, but you get where I'm going with it...) and then pay for a babysitter. Maybe this way there'll be room for new memories (not saying that there isn't any memories and from what I've read your kids love being with her ) for your kids to make with their grandma without jeopardizing their safety. I think regardless of whether your MIL is a good driver or not there are always idiot drivers out there and it's always better to be safe than sorry in this situation. When it comes to your kids safety don't ever feel like you're over reacting
BRmama is offline  
Old 04-22-2009, 02:17 PM
 
sapphire_chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 27,052
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If she wants to show off the grandkids, she can invite her friend to her house to see them.
sapphire_chan is offline  
Old 04-22-2009, 02:40 PM
 
runes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 4,933
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If I hired someone to watch my child and they exhibited this level of carelessness/forgetfulness and disregard for not only my parenting but also of fundamental safety issues, they would be fired in a heartbeat, no questions.

Being a grandma providing "free" childcare does not absolve her from having to conform to basic yet crucial safety parameters.

She has proven (over and over, it sounds like) that she cannot be trusted to watch your children unsupervised. She is not only making bad decisions, she is breaking the law! It might be time to let her be grandma and spend time with the little ones but with you or your DH around.

It also sounds like your MIL might be having some neurological issues, and it might be time for her to be evaluated by a medical professional in that regard.
runes is offline  
Old 04-22-2009, 02:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
dillonandmarasmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: here, but dreaming of there...
Posts: 3,350
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This thread has received a lot of attention. Surprising. But, I do appreciate the constructive ideas. I can shrug off the, "You're overreacting," comments. No big deal.


What it really boils down to (and why this thread materialized to begin with) is that MIL has done so much for us over the years, and she loves, loves, loves the kids so much....and it is so hard to not let them hang with her for a mere 3 hours a week while I chill with my tutoring job. That is why I am so frustrated with all of this. I absolutely hate telling her anything that causes her grief. I know she felt guilty/bad about it. I will let her know it's a big No-No with us, and she'll have the boosters from now on. The whole, "I'd rather get a babysitter than buy boosters" comes out of the frustration that I feel about all that has occurred. It would be a strain on our finances either way...but I'd rather pay for a sitter (and have the freedom of not feeling I have to rely on Grandma) than spend even more money on a set of boosters that would be used once a week, if that.

And, to answer a prior poster's questions, yes, she has become more forgetful lately. She has always been a little flighty, but lately DH has been more concerned about it. I will talk with her (gently, don't worry) about everything soon. It's just better to get out the icky feelings elsewhere, so when we do chat, I have already let this go.

Darcy mama to Dillon, Marah and Leo, partner to Jeremy
dillonandmarasmom is offline  
Old 04-23-2009, 02:29 PM
 
jojojojojo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 141
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ah ok. I was wondering where your DH was in all of this, since it's his mother that you're dealing with.

Mom to : July 2007 and : August 2009!
jojojojojo is offline  
Old 04-23-2009, 02:49 PM
 
journeymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Having a Gilly Water with McGonagall
Posts: 7,417
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by dillonandmarasmom View Post
Neither, really. I said I'd *rather* get a babysitter than deal witht he boosters and her half truths, carelessness,and forgetfulness.

Sheesh, are we splitting hairs here??

Look, she's just done these things for a while now, and I am feeling done with it.

You're done with this, I know. And I'm coming to this conversation after the fact.

I just want to share an observation I've made about life here at MDC. We like to split hairs and rigorously debate every single little point of an issue. If a subject is presented it is open for debate, and often that debate gets a life of its own. You seem to have a good sense of humor about it.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
journeymom is offline  
Old 04-23-2009, 03:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
dillonandmarasmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: here, but dreaming of there...
Posts: 3,350
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jojojojojo View Post
Ah ok. I was wondering where your DH was in all of this, since it's his mother that you're dealing with.
Good question. He and I have both had conversations with MIL, together and separately, and always gently and with a super appreciative tone. He's upset about her continual neglect regarding our requests and choices for the kids. But, we both feel the kids deserve to be with Gma, she is the most loving Gma, and we'll just do our part to be sure all possibilities are accounted for.

Darcy mama to Dillon, Marah and Leo, partner to Jeremy
dillonandmarasmom is offline  
Old 04-23-2009, 03:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
dillonandmarasmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: here, but dreaming of there...
Posts: 3,350
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post
You're done with this, I know. And I'm coming to this conversation after the fact.

I just want to share an observation I've made about life here at MDC. We like to split hairs and rigorously debate every single little point of an issue. If a subject is presented it is open for debate, and often that debate gets a life of its own. You seem to have a good sense of humor about it.
Yeah, I do always expect it, and most of the time I restrain from typing things like, "I know some of you will say this, or suggest this, or complain about my point on this..."

Silliness...someone always needs to feel right.

Darcy mama to Dillon, Marah and Leo, partner to Jeremy
dillonandmarasmom is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off