"please put you penis away" and "stop wiping your penis on the couch." are often uttered without raising an eyebrow.
and a stroller walk means that both you and dc push your own stroller....no dc in the stroller.
*When glitter has become contraband that will not enter your house on pain of death
*When you spend five minutes looking for your kids in the mall, only to remember that you're actually shopping alone, for once (except I was shopping for maternity clothes! )
*When you're kneeling in the driveway scrubbing melted chocolate out of the Mercedes' beige carpet, only to have someone come up behind you and squirt you in the butt with the garden hose
You know you're a parent when your hot drink is always stone cold by the time you drink it and you eat biscuits (cookies) really quietly in teh kitchen so that you don't have to share! :
Or when you get peed on and you think, it's OK, it will dry
sleeping in pee............check
sniffing, not licking to check for chocolate or poo.......check
eating spit food (gnawed donuts, bagels, etc).......check
covering everyong all night long...............check
booboo kisses to all..............check
singing kid songs all day.......check
washing faces with thumb and spit........check
more penis talk than I could ever imagine............check
feeling cheeky for staying up past ten...........check
helping grown up friends cross the road..........check
and to add........getting a reputation at work for ensuring collegues have nutritious snacks.
doing up DH's jacket zipper without noticing till he informs me he's a big boy and can do it himself.
Some of our favorites phrases
"(insert object name here) don't go on penises!"
"Paint goes on paper, not on (mommy, cat, walls, shoes, or any other nearby surface)"
YOu know you're a parent when
-when you shower, if you shower, you do so with a toddler, a plastic lobster, a ball, three cups, measuring spoons, and a train at your feet.
-date night often consists of a 10 minute conversation with DH at the kitchen table while DS plays in the den
-you think that people who sleep in all the way until 7AM are just plain lazy
-10PM is unreasonably late for any human being to be awake
-your once stylish home is now barren of decorations becasue they are "unsafe"
-you get excited over backhoes, skid steers, and john deere tractors because DS likes them
-you have no clue what's going on in pop culture "Jonas who? He has a brother? whatever."
-you listen to kid music even when no kids are in the car
-Sex is something you read about once in a magazine
...when you have caught vomit in your hands without flinching.
...when you have nursed a child in a forward facing carseat while still being buckled in yourself.
...when you have to ask that underwear be worn at the dinnertable.
I really felt like a parent when I nursed a toddler, rocked an infant to sleep, and helped my 9 year old with math, all at the same time.
When you find yourself bouncing/rocking/shushing your dog or cat while holding them at the vet's.
My cat likes to eat lotion. Maybe they should get together?
And from this morning. . .
I was reading a story to DS1 that happened to include a Water Buffalo, and he pulled out his penis. I told him that one day, his foreskin would roll back, and he'd be able to see the head underneath. He said, "The buffalo have a head, and my foreskin will roll back and there is a bufffalo head inside!" :
Humanist Woman Wife , & Friend Plus Mama to 6 (3 mos, 2, 9, 13, 17, 20)
Mama to a boy EnviroKid 10 years old and a little girl EnviroBaby !
I write about parenting, environment, cooking, and more.
...."Don't wipe your boogers on (your sister, the dog, the cat, the walls, the counter, me!!)"
And when you can ask "Where did this poop come from?!" (it was smeared on the wall next to the toilet AND on the seat) and know very well who it came from. DS "found" it smeared on his leg one day and could not figure out how it got there!:
Oh, and when your DVD player freezes because you have watched the same Spongebob movie over, and over, and over again. We had to take the DVD player apart to get the beloved movie out
Ok that is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.
Elizabeth - Doing life with Scott
SAHM to Evelyn - my crazy little Celiac (4) Annabelle (2) and Abraham (born 6/20)
Follow our journey
When I first found out I was pregnant I was watching an episode of CSI that involved a child being molested and killed...I had to watch it in short pieces because it was so disturbing.
Oh yeah, DH and I watched the one where the baby was abducted (turned out to be the Mom's lover).
The whole scene was very disturbing (mom was held back while they ran off w/ her child).
...when you it feels weird to type with two hands because you're usually NAKing or holding someone and typing with the other.
*when you barely notice the baby smears across your glasses anymore; just peer around them to type
wife to wonderful mama of three-DS1 born December 30, 2005 and DS2 born September 27, 2008 and one lovely little girl born September 7, 2011
...your walls are covered in signs that say things like,
"GRANDDAD AND TRAINS"
"I AM A BUNNY YOU ARE A ROBOT"
"POLICE PLEASE POLICE PLEASE FLEECE FLEECE FLEECE"
"MY SHOULDER IS HURTING"
"STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE!"
"FLOATING ALIEN JELLYFISH"
"THOMAS WAS WORKING IN THE QUARRY"
"STEELERS ARE WINNING"
"BARACK OBAMA IS WINNING"
because your child is learning to write and keeps asking you to spell words for him to write and wanting to hang up his signs, and of course you want to encourage him, and it's only as you write this picturing the signs that you realize the events during which he wrote those last two signs were 3 and 5 months ago respectively.
Right now our walls say:
BONEVILLE AVENUE CAFE - YES WE ARE OPEN COME IN!!!!!
Cardinals - 53 Dragons - 80 Dragons WIN!
NO PARKING, Parking for the Football Game ONLY
Daddy thinks J is awesome, yes he does, of course he does, YES.
I'm Gonna Eat you FOR REAL!!!!! (accompanying a picture of a dragon)
and my personal favorite, hanging on his door:
No Babies Allowed
Breeder Mama: = wife to an amazing man + mama to J-Bear (07/02) and E-Train (06/08), nanny to Little Bird (07/10).
- When your LO eats a day old dried pea from under her high chair and you think, "well, at least it was a vegetable instead of fuzz this time"
- You purposely leave the house each morning at exactly 8:19AM so that we'll see the #245 bus on the way to daycare, just so you can hear that excited voice in the backseat yelling "bus!"
- You don't think twice when eating something that has already been halfway in someone's mouth...and it's not even your own kid!
- You realize how a mere 5 minutes can seem like an eternity when you're trying to explain to your 19 month old DD that we have to wait our turn for the swings at the park, (you of course try to pass the time by saying it in a loud enough voice so that the other parent who is unreasonably monopolizing the swing with THEIR LO for a whole 5 minutes can hear you )
- You've ever tried to reason with a newborn "There's no way you're hungry. Mommy just fed you 10mins ago."
you can say things like.. "no, i dont want to see your penis" "please stop wiggling your penis at me" without blinking
i make up songs as well, her favourite is
"pooper trooper, gunna change your nappy, cos you stink of poo (pa pa poo pa pa) yes you really do (pa pa poo pa pa) its a good job i love you" (to the tune of super trooper lol)