did the other mom handle this right? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 02:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We take a music together class and in the class are two very rambunctious boys, they spend a lot of class running around, which I am totally fine with. Today the younger boy (equal to DD size, but a bit younger than her I think) ran full steam into DD knocking her down and landing on top of her. I think his head bumped her face and she ended up with a bloody nose and she bit her tongue and that was bleeding as well. The little boy was totally fine. DD was really, really hurt. She was shaking and screaming and I could tell she was really hurt - so could the teacher and other mom. The mom of the little boy basically acted as if nothing had happened. She didn't apologize or say anything to me and she didn't say anything to her son. After getting DD cleaned up she basically sat on my lap for the rest of class. After the class her boys left the room and she still sat there with us for about 5 mins. She still never said a word even when DD started crying again after class was over, she was still shaken from the accident. At the time I was just concerned with comforting DD but now reflecting on the incident I feel like she should have said something and I am feeling a little peeved about it. I know that it was just an accident and I am not at all upset about the fact that it happened, just her response. I can't imagine my child hurting another child like that and not saying anything to both my child and the other parent about it. After the incident the teacher kept trying to get her kids to stop running around the class but the mom didn't really try to stop them. Besides my DD and her sons there was only one other child/mom in the class today so it got kind of awkward quick.
Just looking for opinions.

Mom to Morgan 4-3-06 and announcing Baby Kelsey 4-11-10
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#2 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 03:05 PM
 
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No, she did not handle it appropriately at all.

YOUR attitude was great. You understood that he was just a child and that it was an accident. You didn't demand that she make him apologize, or make it out like he was being bad.

SHE should have modeled some compassion. She should have come over to see if your child was okay, and apologized (even if it wasn't her fault, she should have acknowledged your dd's injury).

The only thing I have to say is that it may be possible that she didn't see exactly what happened. But if she did see, and didn't say anything, then her inaction was very rude and a terrible example for her son.

I'm sorry that happened.
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#3 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 03:08 PM
 
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I'm not seeing that the other mom handled it at all. So no, don't think it was handled "right".

Your poor DD! I hope she's feeling better.
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#4 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 03:10 PM
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it would have been nice if she had apologized for her son, and talked with her son about how he can be more careful around others so no one gets hurt in the future. I don't know their whole story though - or if perhaps she said something to her son that went unnoticed... but still think she could have apologized to you and your DD.

ETA: if I was in that situation I think I could have possibly overlooked the parent "handling" the situation because I was too focused on my hurt, crying, bleeding child. She still could have apologized though. She may have been really embarrassed, not that I would see that as an excuse.

In regards to apologizing I would say no, from what you shared some one who did not apologize and make sure the other child was okay would not be handling the situation properly. In terms of whether or not she said anything to her son, I would probably assume the best, that she at least covered her bases in this area and I just didnt notice - however, if she didnt say anything to her son (which only her and her son know for sure) then she didn't handle it right.
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#5 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 03:14 PM
 
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Oh no! - Your poor DD! My DS tends to always be in the middle of such things himself and is always getting bumped into/run over etc. ... I think the other mum should have apologised. I certainly would have. I would have felt really bad that such an accident happened to your DD!

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#6 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 03:19 PM
 
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I agree with the PP. The other mom did not handle it the right way whatsoever - embarrassed or not - her child is the one that caused the accident therefore she needs to make sure that all were involved are okay.

I hope your DD is okay. Poor thing!!
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#7 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 03:27 PM
 
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Doesn't sound like she handled it period. Maybe she didn't know how to respond but I can't imagine being completely unresponsive when my child bloodies up another child. Sure, my kids have accidentally hurt other children as well as each other and I always respond the same way. First, I try to comfort the injured child, apologize, and explain that it was an accident and make sure hurt child is ok. Then I would speak to my child who did the hurting and remind him/her that they have to be careful and pay attention to where they are going, assure them I know they didn't mean it, and ask if they could apologize to the other person or give them a hug if they aren't verbal which some of my little ones aren't.
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#8 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 03:53 PM
 
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Maybe she said something to her son while you were tending to DD and maybe the was too embarassed and didn't know what to say to you or she might have thought you were angry at her about the accident. Who knows! I would have apologized for my child if they hurt another kid. Sorry your DD got hurt. Hope she is feeling better now.

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#9 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 03:53 PM
 
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This is why it's not totally fine that they run around and are rambunctious at piano lessons. On a play ground, even during in-door 'play time' in the appropriate setting, sure. But not during piano lessons.

I took my son out of piano lessons because he couldn't be quiet and sit still while it was his sister's turn. He wasn't being punished, in fact I signed him up for a martial arts class (a much better fit). He wasn't being bad, he was being quiet normal (I think, anyway!). But his behavior was not appropriate for the setting and he was not capable of modifying his behavior. It wasn't fair to him or his sister.

Anyway. Maybe the other mom was shocked. I was like that mom when my kids were little. Kind of socially clueless. It took me a couple times of my kid grabbing a toy or stepping on toes for me to realize I needed to DO something about it, at least to reassure the other parent that I was on it.

If the boys get rowdy like that again I would speak to the mom immediately, before there's a repeat performance. I can't imagine she'd object, but if she does you just point out that her son injured your daughter and made her bleed.

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#10 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 04:02 PM
 
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This is why it's not totally fine that they run around and are rambunctious at piano lessons. On a play ground, even during in-door 'play time' in the appropriate setting, sure. But not during piano lessons.



I think that if her boys were to young to have behaved in an appropriate manner, that they should not have been there. She did not handle it well. She should have modeled compassion and apologized to your girl.
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#11 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 04:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It wasn't piano lessons, it was a music together class.....during class there is a lot of physical motion, but her kids are way over the top. I can't imagine this is the first time she has been in a situation like this the kids are CONSTANTLY roughhousing on each other throughout the class - rolling around on the floor, wrestling with each other, running around, etc. I don't blame her son and I wasn't expecting an apology from him (he is maybe 2.5, his brother is around 4) but I feel like the mom should have said something, anything about the situation. Even if she didn't see exactly what happened (i didn't either) it was easy to figure out, her son was running, then the next thing I saw was her son on top of my DD on the ground and my DD screaming in pain, then blood. The whole class basically stopped when this happened. I just really can't believe she didn't ever say anything especially after class when her sons were out of the room. When she left my DD was in my arms crying and she said something about her being tired. Umm okkk that is why she is crying because she is tired (it was 11:15 am!) We'll see what happens next week. I feel for her, I'm sure it is difficult to have very active boys but still.....Last week their Dad was with them and there were much better behaved - still very much active boys but he kept them under control a bit more. I felt really bad for the teacher, she was really upset for my DD. There is a crawling baby in the class (he wasn't there today) and I'm afraid these kids are going to run right over him! DD is fine now, I hope she still wants to go to class next week!

Mom to Morgan 4-3-06 and announcing Baby Kelsey 4-11-10
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#12 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 04:31 PM
 
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I would be horrified if my DD hurt another kiddo like that...not horrified AT my DD, but because another child was hurt...man, I cannot stand to see any kid get hurt like that, it's too much.

I know what you mean when you say she was crying like she was really hurt...I HATE that hurt cry, it is the stuff of nightmares...it's just the crummiest feeling, when they are hurt like that.

She did not handle this properly...you DID. I'm sorry this happened to your baby girl...ughhh. A bloody nose and everything...that's awful!

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#13 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 04:36 PM
 
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When she left my DD was in my arms crying and she said something about her being tired. Umm okkk that is why she is crying because she is tired (it was 11:15 am!) We'll see what happens next week.
This makes me think she doesn't "get it". Sure, she may not have seen what happened, but I'm sure it was quite apparent that your child was hurt. At the very least she should have made sure your DD was okay, and apologized.

You handled the situation well, but if something like that were to happen again, I'd be pulling her aside after the class and having a chat about her not being "involved". It's one thing to have a high strung child, and another to have one who hurts others, and not be willing to apologize for the behavior.
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#14 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 04:44 PM
 
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I'm so sorry Mama! I don't think she handled it well either.
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#15 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 04:51 PM
 
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At the very least, that was incredibly rude. She should have at least apologized.

Maybe she was just really embarassed, or something.
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#16 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 05:00 PM
 
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i totally agree.. if it had been one of my DC's, i would have rushed over, apologized, and seen what i could do to help/comfort the hurt child. and i would have talked to my DC to make sure that they settle down and slow down!

Momma to K ('01), E ('03) and A ('07)
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#17 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 05:07 PM
 
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I agree with everyone who posted before. I also think that if I were the teacher in that class, I'd be laying down some guidelines around safety and consideration of others--either working with the boys or with their mom to understand what is appropriate and what is safe.

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#18 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 05:17 PM
 
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I don't think it is appropriate to not show empathy and concern for someone who is hurt, especially if your child did the hurting, but even if she just fell I would still think it inappropriate to model apathy. Uncaring and self-centered behaviors are not something I would encourage, nor would I allow my child to run into people and hurt them without using that hurt as a teaching moment and telling dd to slow her body down.
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#19 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 05:18 PM
 
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She sounds like my doppleganger!

Except that I try to apologize profusely and regularly when my kids do out of control things, and avoid situations. But I do miss things. I took an art class with the boys, but they weren't really ready for it. Ds2 threw a pencil across the table of toddlers and parents. I was sitting right next to him and was trying to give ds1 a little bit of help, and he just chucked it.

Anyway, I sympathize with the mom, but don't think she handled it appropriately either. And I don't think you're overreacting. Poor kid!

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#20 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 05:19 PM
 
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When my DS was little we took a Kindermusic class. Well, actually the other kids did the class while he did his own thing running around. Luckily the space was big so he did not run into others. I stopped taking him because it was not the right activity for him. I did not want him to be disruptive to the others. You did the right thing taking care of your DD. The teacher and other mom need to see if this is the right activity for the boys. ( I did take my DD to music class years later and had such an enjoyable time!)
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#21 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 05:25 PM
 
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I recommend you discuss this situation with the teacher. I've been to many Music Together classes, and they ALL have a rule about no running. They let kids be kids in lots of ways, but the no running rule is a safety issue, and the teacher should address that with all the parents in general and (sounds like) with this particular parent specifically. Sorry your little one got hurt.
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#22 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 05:31 PM
 
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I'm so sorry your daughter was hurt like that

and no, the other mother did not handle the situation well. Ignoring your daughter like that, when it was her own little one who caused the 'incident', was not demonstrating compassion, empathy or respect. She is showing her child that he doesn't need to help others and that physical force is OK (no appologies necessary..).

In fact, the more I think about it, the more this saddens me. It would be nice if we could all expect positive parenting but unfortunetely I'm usually quite surprised when I see it

(you did awesome though! your daughter needed you and you were right there for her. I'm sure the whole experience taught her a lil something about how dependable/loving you are )

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#23 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 06:23 PM
 
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No, I don't think she handled that at all. I probably wouldn't have come right over, especially if your daughter was bleeding and crying inconsolably. Generally I think most people just get in the way when you're trying to help a truly injured child. I would have talked to my kid while all that was going on and once the hurt child was calm and sitting in your lap I definitely would have made a point to come over and apologize and encouraged my child to do so too.
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#24 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 06:35 PM
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did she see what happened? pretty disconnected if you ask me if she saw what happened then said your child was tired. Perhaps she is suffering from depression... I mean who knows she could have some kind of disorder that makes her socially inept (I suspect along with my sensory issues I mayu have aspergers - unfortunately often when someone is like that they can be seen as rude when they are truly incapable of appropriate social skills, and need social skills classes to improve in that area but don't realize that is what is going on because it was never diagnosed as a child and so now they are just seen as "rude")
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#25 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 06:47 PM
 
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-unfortunately often when someone is like that they can be seen as rude when they are truly incapable of appropriate social skills, and need social skills classes to improve in that area but don't realize that is what is going on because it was never diagnosed as a child and so now they are just seen as "rude")
That is an excellent point, I know a few people like this. Once you get to know them, you see the problem. Of course, it's hard to get to know them. OP, have you ever seen the other mom interact appropriately with anyone? Other parent or children in the class?
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#26 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 08:12 PM
 
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It wasn't piano lessons, it was a music together class...
Sorry, I read your post too fast.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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#27 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 09:04 PM
 
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Agree w/ everyone else! I'd be livid. Seriously, I'd be talking to the teacher and if guidelines weren't set down by the next class, I'd ask for a refund. You obviously can't depend on the mother stepping in. But I can't believe she saw it, how could she and not at least show some sympathy? Really, this is a teacher issue IMHO. I have an active boy and we've taken lots of active classes and we've never had a class where everyone was allowed to run rampant. I think the mom was totally wrong, but it's really the teacher who is allowing such a situation to happen.
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#28 of 28 Old 04-30-2009, 09:31 PM
 
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How rude indeed. My son loved to run around in his music class like that, and if he had accidentally hurt somebody, I would have felt terrible. Of course he's just a kid and didn't mean to, but she definitely should have taken some responsibility and asked if your DD was ok, offered to help get a towel to clean her up, and talk to her son about what happened and how to avoid hurting anyone, maybe involve him in doing something to help her feel better, etc. Accidents happen, but I think it's our job to model for our children how to make things "right" and show compassion when someone is hurt.

It sounds like you handled it well. I doubt that saying something to her would have made much of a difference, unfortunately. Hopefully the teacher was aware of what was happening & can talk to the mom if her kids require more supervision during class.

Amanda , mama to my two boys: N (10/06) and : A (7/09)
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