Baby not invited to wedding?? - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-07-2009, 03:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My first cousin's wedding coming up July 4th...my 6 month old nursling not invite...whole weekend shin-dig...fri bbq-sat wedding-sun brunch.....he suggested I get a babysitter...but we live 3 hours away, and I wouldn't let the Dalai Lama babysit my daughter (they obviously don't have children)....we were going to go and take shifts watching her between my parents and us, maybe have our own picnic on the grass outside or something...any suggestions?? It appears they may not want her at the BBQ or the brunch the day after....have to talk with him soon, and may just not go even though he is a very close cousin to me.

I understand kids/toddlers because they may not want them running around, but babies? She is attached to my boob. Besides, every wedding I attended that didn't have kids was BORING!! Kids make it fun, they are the ones to get everyone dancing.

wtf?:
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Old 05-07-2009, 04:19 AM
 
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These situations are so hard. One the one hand, I believe everyone should be able to have the wedding they want. It is their event/ceremony/party and they can plan whatever they want. BUT......on the other hand, it makes it really hard for some parents when little ones are not invited. I would talk with your cousin and clarify what events your baby would be welcome at. Then you can plan accordingly - don't go at all, trade shifts with your parents, if it is your cousin, maybe your partner would be willing to stay at the hotel with the baby...
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Old 05-07-2009, 07:11 AM
 
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Well, firstly, don't make a decision based on "it appears that...". Make sure you have a clear understanding. Who knows, maybe they'd be willing to have the baby at some of the other stuff besides the actual wedding.

It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.
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Old 05-07-2009, 07:38 AM
 
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For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.
:

I can get away with leaving my 5mo for about 3 hours once a week, but several times in one weekend? Not going to happen. And not just for her sake... I'd end up with a nice case of mastitis with that kind of change in her feeding schedule.
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Old 05-07-2009, 07:41 AM
 
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Well, firstly, don't make a decision based on "it appears that...". Make sure you have a clear understanding. Who knows, maybe they'd be willing to have the baby at some of the other stuff besides the actual wedding.

It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.
I second this. Tell your dear cousin that you totally respect her desires, but that you need to know clearly which events, if any, you can attend WITH your DC. And then make your plans accordingly. Your cousin doesn't have kids yet, so she may truely not comprehend the whole picture - she doesn't get how bf works (she might think you just pump or use a bottle instead); she doesn't get that you can't just snap up a babysitter (how much it costs, that your DC doesn't feel comfortable with a total stranger or without you or whatever....)

Lastly, don't jump ropes to attend all the events. It will just stress you out. Maybe you go to just one bbq. Send a nice gift and a card, regardless.
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Old 05-07-2009, 08:41 AM
 
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I've missed plenty of weddings and showers and other events in my day due to having a baby. It isn't that big of a deal. You can't go to every event that comes up even if you don't have a baby, and people should expect people with babies to miss events if they don't want children there, so they should understand your absence. It's a bummer, but these things happen.
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Old 05-07-2009, 08:55 AM
 
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People generally use the "we don't want a lot of kids running around and acting wild at an adult function" as a polite way to gloss over the fact that they really want to keep costs down - and cutting kids cuts costs. Since a baby won't be eating anything (costing anything) - it may be just fine. We considered no kids as a cost cutting measure at my wedding, but since it only cost $7 for the kids at the buffet, we didn't. Even if we had, I don't think I would have told a parent their infant couldn't come... but then my son was there, LOL, he was 10 months old at our wedding. Had I been pre-children I probably would have been less understanding... *sigh*

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Old 05-07-2009, 09:15 AM
 
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People generally use the "we don't want a lot of kids running around and acting wild at an adult function" as a polite way to gloss over the fact that they really want to keep costs down - and cutting kids cuts costs. Since a baby won't be eating anything (costing anything) - it may be just fine. We considered no kids as a cost cutting measure at my wedding, but since it only cost $7 for the kids at the buffet, we didn't. Even if we had, I don't think I would have told a parent their infant couldn't come... but then my son was there, LOL, he was 10 months old at our wedding. Had I been pre-children I probably would have been less understanding... *sigh*
Actually I think for weddings for a lot of people it's also a noise issue and babies do factor into that. I'm not a fan of the decision but it is theirs.

I'm with everyone else - I'd clarify the ground rules, and then not go if it didn't work for us.

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Old 05-07-2009, 09:35 AM
 
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It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.
:

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Old 05-07-2009, 10:05 AM
 
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Right now this is the biggest most important thing to happen to your cousin and the bride and groom get to decide how they want their wedding to happen. In my experience it has nothing to do with the cost and everything to do with badly behaved kids and crying babies.

A wedding is about the bride and groom and kids and babies can do inappropriate and noisy things at all the wrong times.

Part of being a Mommy is not getting to go places because you have a baby. The last wedding I attended we only went to the dinner-that way I got some fun time but my babe in arms was no danger of taking any of the attention of the bride. Everyone else got to stay overnight for a long party and I went home. Thats the way the ball bounces once you are a mom.
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Old 05-07-2009, 10:10 AM
 
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well since it is a close cousin, i would go for the wedding. where are they having it? maybe there is a place you can bring your babysitter (whoever that is) along and leave your baby there while you attend the wedding ceremony.

i left my dd with my then dh and just went for the wedding, and skipped all the social stuff.

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Old 05-07-2009, 10:13 AM
 
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My mom got remarried last september in a castle in upstate NY.
NO KIDS! not even her OWN grandchildren. My son was 6.5 at the time and had been REALLY excited about seeing a REAL castle!.:-(
Mom wanted me to get a "sitter" too ect ect ect... I live like 8hrs from the wedding site!!!!
I wound up not going, I couldn't justify it and felt REALLY slighted that she didn't want even her grandson there,( her first BTW)

I've never had a great relationship with my mom, and this certainly didn't help.

BUT , personally I think if it were ANYONE else but my own mother, I wouldn't have cared, I would have just declined , or if it were close, *might* have found a sitter since my son is older and not a nursling anymore.

DO what feels right for you and yours mama, you'll always win in the end that way!

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Old 05-07-2009, 10:14 AM
 
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Yep I wouldn't go and I would expect them to understand that.
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Old 05-07-2009, 10:22 AM
 
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I would ask for sure if any events are okay to take your baby to.
I would probably skip everything that weekend but the actual ceremony if I was told there are no events that weekend that you can bring your baby to. I would make arrangements to have dh watch the baby during the ceremony so I could attend that.
They have a right to have their events the way they want them. It wouldn't be my way or your way. However, I would choose not leave my child or juggle child care to attend a bbq and brunch in addition to the ceremony that weekend.

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Old 05-07-2009, 10:56 AM
 
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I've missed plenty of weddings and showers and other events in my day due to having a baby. It isn't that big of a deal. You can't go to every event that comes up even if you don't have a baby, and people should expect people with babies to miss events if they don't want children there, so they should understand your absence. It's a bummer, but these things happen.
This. Send your regrets.
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Old 05-07-2009, 12:08 PM
 
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I can completely understand them not wanting children at the wedding. I am not one to view weddings as only fun because there are children there. And even the best baby can have a crying moment at a not so good moment. I think it is completely understandable for you to have to decline going to the wedding. But I also believe it is completely understandable for them not to want children there.

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Old 05-07-2009, 12:45 PM
 
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I went to a wedding when my ds was 7 mos old. NO children or babies were invited AT ALL. The bride had told me yes on more than one occasion. Her mother called me the day of (or the day before?) the wedding and told me I couldn't bring him. I hemmed & hawed about it for the longest time before making my decision.

I went for an hour. I hated it. People asked me if I was enjoying my time out w/o him. I honestly said no. I was NOT enjoying myself. I was thinking about my nursling (who was in the care of a very good friend) and when he was last fed and how snotty I think it is for ppl to be anti-baby (and even anti-kids) at a freaking wedding. A wedding that is supposed to bring families together. Families which often result in... BABIES!

Anyway, very resentful, would never do it again, and have no problem speaking out about it if someone asks my opinion. I think it's really arrogant and snotty to have a no babies/children rule.

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Old 05-07-2009, 01:00 PM
 
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We had a no babies/children rule at our wedding, so I guess I was "arrogant and snotty," but I'd do it again. I probably would have made an exception for small nurslings, but none of our friends had kids of that age--they were all 2 or older.

I also think that if you have a no kids rule, you have to expect that some people may not be able to attend because of it. I would check to be sure that the baby is not welcome, and if so, decline politely, no harm, no foul.

Simply put: if you're the host of a no-kids wedding, don't get put out if some people with kids can't attend--accept their regrets graciously. If you're invited to a no-kids wedding and can't/don't wish to attend without your kids, then decline graciously. Neither party should get up in arms about it. The bride and groom have the right to plan their wedding as they see fit, and guests have the right to attend or not.

(At our wedding, no one had a problem with the no kids rule--except one bridesmaid, who had precisely the kind of child "no kids" rules are created for. Or perhaps I should say, was precisely the kind of parent that "no kids" rules are created for. She threw an e-mail temper tantrum that would put any toddler to shame; I had a slightly smaller bridal party and don't regret it in the slightest.)

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Old 05-07-2009, 01:21 PM
 
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I was thinking about my nursling (who was in the care of a very good friend) and when he was last fed and how snotty I think it is for ppl to be anti-baby (and even anti-kids) at a freaking wedding. A wedding that is supposed to bring families together. Families which often result in... BABIES!

Anyway, very resentful, would never do it again, and have no problem speaking out about it if someone asks my opinion. I think it's really arrogant and snotty to have a no babies/children rule.

Just because a couple has a child-free wedding does not make them anti-baby or anti-kids. Their party, their decision.
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Old 05-07-2009, 01:35 PM
 
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I tend to boycott events my children are not welcome at. I don't begrudge people who don't want them there but I don't have to go either.

Last summer my husband's cousin got married. We were invited to the wedding and knew they wouldn't want our older two there so we arrange a family member to watch them. But we were also going to have a six week old at the time so when I sent in the acceptance I noted I would have a six-week-old nursing babe. I had checked every single manner site I could, asked around, everything said tiny nursing babes in arms were generally not considered a "child".

DH's aunt called me and said the baby wasn't allowed. So we told them we weren't going. Frankly what she told me on the phone made me so upset I refuse to go to any of that side of the family's weddings at all. None of them have kids and they never want kids there. DH's other side of the family has kids and they are always welcome to any family gathering/funeral/wedding.

Anyway, DH even said he doesn't want to go to them anymore if his entire family cannot come. They can choose not to welcome our wonderful wel-behaved children. We can choose not to go.
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Old 05-07-2009, 02:00 PM
 
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What is it with extended weddings these days? Three days of events...it seems kind of self important to expect everyone to devote three days to your wedding.

If all functions are child free, I'd probably just attend the wedding itself if I really wanted to, or give the whole thing a miss. I have nothing against child free functions, but three days....
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Old 05-07-2009, 02:25 PM
 
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I think it's really arrogant and snotty to have a no babies/children rule.
Oh dear. Really? I find this attitude upsetting because it suggests your kids are more important somehow then the bride. And to you of course they are-but a wedding is about the bride, not about your kids, and she gets to choose who she wants to come to her wedding.
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Old 05-07-2009, 02:48 PM
 
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Oh dear. Really? I find this attitude upsetting because it suggests your kids are more important somehow then the bride. And to you of course they are-but a wedding is about the bride, not about your kids, and she gets to choose who she wants to come to her wedding.
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Old 05-07-2009, 02:52 PM
 
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Well, firstly, don't make a decision based on "it appears that...". Make sure you have a clear understanding. Who knows, maybe they'd be willing to have the baby at some of the other stuff besides the actual wedding.
Yes - definitely make sure you know exactly what the rules are.

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It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.
This. I wouldn't go if I had a nursling who was excluded, but would give them polite regrets. I think people can make whatever rules they want about guests at their weddings, but they do need to understand that when you exclude parts of people's family, you may end up excluding the people you want, as well.

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Old 05-07-2009, 02:56 PM
 
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Simply put: if you're the host of a no-kids wedding, don't get put out if some people with kids can't attend--accept their regrets graciously. If you're invited to a no-kids wedding and can't/don't wish to attend without your kids, then decline graciously. Neither party should get up in arms about it. The bride and groom have the right to plan their wedding as they see fit, and guests have the right to attend or not.
Well said.

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Old 05-07-2009, 03:02 PM
 
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I went to a wedding when my ds was 7 mos old. NO children or babies were invited AT ALL. The bride had told me yes on more than one occasion. Her mother called me the day of (or the day before?) the wedding and told me I couldn't bring him. I hemmed & hawed about it for the longest time before making my decision.

I went for an hour. I hated it. People asked me if I was enjoying my time out w/o him. I honestly said no. I was NOT enjoying myself. I was thinking about my nursling (who was in the care of a very good friend) and when he was last fed and how snotty I think it is for ppl to be anti-baby (and even anti-kids) at a freaking wedding. A wedding that is supposed to bring families together. Families which often result in... BABIES!

Anyway, very resentful, would never do it again, and have no problem speaking out about it if someone asks my opinion. I think it's really arrogant and snotty to have a no babies/children rule.
Wow! The mother of the bride was really rude. I can't blame you for being angry about it.

However, I don't agree with the "no children" rule being snotty (as long as guests are informed before they RSVP). It's not always just for the sake of the bride and groom, but can also be for the children... Some weddings are so formal that a child would be incredibly bored, uncomfortable, and unhappy (goodness knows I've been to a couple where I—as an adult—was bored, uncomfortable, and unhappy ).

I personally enjoyed having kids and babies at my wedding, though. It was a delight to hear one of our friends' sons softly cooing during our vows (we thought of it as a sign of good luck).

Then again, some would consider me to be a lazy bride. During the reception while wearing my beautiful formal wedding gown with extra-long train and sewn-on pearls, I excused my bridesmaids to dress down in jeans. We were all staying at the hotel we married at, and they wanted something more comfortable to dance in. It totally flummoxed our best man's wife (a strange control freak of a woman who tried to "direct" ppl at our rehearsal).

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Old 05-07-2009, 03:26 PM
 
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I would call your cousin and explain that the baby isn't old enough to be away from you and ask if there are any events that weekend that you could attend with the baby.

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Old 05-07-2009, 03:32 PM
 
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I would call whoever is organizing these events (mother of the bride? Maid of honor?) and clarify whether or not the baby is welcome at any or all of the weekend's events.

If baby's welcome at the informal events but not the wedding itself, It would be perfectly reasonable to come for the "wedding weekend"(if baby's welcome at those) and skip the wedding itself (or just send DH to the wedding while you stay in a hotel room with the baby). If the baby isn't welcome at ANY of the wedding-related events, I'd politely decline the invitation. Baby isn't ready to be away from you yet, period.

If the baby is not welcome- that's their right. It's their party. But you're not obligated to attend.

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Old 05-07-2009, 03:33 PM
 
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I don't understand it at all when people don't want babies/kids at their weddings. I agree that you are paying, it's your party, and you should get what you want, but I don't understand the desire to exclude children.
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Old 05-07-2009, 04:01 PM
 
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We happily welcomed children at our wedding, but I don't have any negative thoughts about people who choose not to.

That said, it will clearly be very difficult for you to attend a 3-day event without your baby, so it sounds like you'll have to send your regrets and best wishes -- it happens!

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