Help me sort out my reaction to a mainstream mama - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 08:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just moved to a new place and went to a momma group that I found at meet-up. I should preface this story by saying that I have only ever met/hung out with AP mommas. Even my semi-mainstream family members breastfed/co-slept and didn't CIO (except my sister, but we don't talk.)

Well the meet-up group ended up just being me and one other momma. She was elective c-section, formula feeding by choice, CIO. It was shocking to me. I could handle the elective c-section/formula feeding...I get that a lot of times it is just bad information and lack of support that makes people choose these things, but the CIO really struck a horrible cord with me. When she started explaining how she got her LO to STTN, I actually said, "oh no, you didn't let him CIO did you?" and she said well he only really cried for 5 minutes. I left immediately after that exchange. And quite frankly I don't believe her that he only cried for 5 minutes.

I am so angry that she let her LO CIO. I'm angry but I am jealous too. I want my LO to STTN so bad. Isn't this horrible? How do you mommas handle hanging with more mainstream mommas, or do you just not do it? I don't think I can do it again. I feel so yucky right now. I also don't want to be so judgmental, but CIO just seems so wrong to me, I can't help it.

Julia, mama to Bumpa 2008, and The Mole 2011

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#2 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 08:06 PM
 
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My SIL is a cry-it-out, beat 'em when they're "bad", paranoid helicopter mom.

I have a hard time being around her. I only do for familial obligations.

I have no advice, because this is the only other mom I will even attempt to be around. I don't join mother's groups, I won't even go to story time at the library, because I will not have a good time listening to all the abuse stories that inevitably will be passed around.

All I can do is offer a hug!

SANDRA, 41 year old VERY laid-back mama to VERY free range kids Brett (16), Justus (11), Autumn (4), and Ayla (1)... four perfect NCB's! :::
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#3 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 08:20 PM
 
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In a small community (ie, where I live) you just have to take what you can get. Am I disappointed/alarmed/freaked out by some of the parenting I see? Sure. But a lot of the people I meet really don't know that there's another way.

As far as things that have already happened (past birth choices, whether a now-grown kid was formula-fed) I let it go since a) my feelings won't change it and b) I don't know the full story.

With things that I CAN have an impact on, I try to be a generous, non-judgmental source of information when I can in the hopes that I can help someone learn something they would otherwise have never been exposed to. If a mom has never heard anything but "The only way to get your baby to sleep is to CIO and they'll never remember it anyway" your immediate (totally understandable) alarm isn't going to do her any good. It's never too late for someone to improve their relationship with their kids.

And if it becomes clear that we're totally incompatible parents/personalities, that's fine and I have no problem walking away. Just not in the first five minutes when I'm desperate to find some mom friends .
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#4 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 08:26 PM
 
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I have a few friends who are pretty mainstream...in fact, if I really think about it, most of my Mommy friends are mainstream. I have one friend (whom I really like otherwise) who let her 3.5 month old baby CIO and sees nothing wrong with it. She is completely a sleep trainer and has no qualms about it. I just ignore those parts of any conversation. I cringe but I value our friendship too so I take the good with the bad I guess. It really does suck though...a lot!

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#5 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 08:45 PM
 
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I understand. I'm active in my community, go to library story times, coordinate play groups, etc. Most parents I know are mainsteam. Most parents I know really love their kids. I don't hang out with yellers or spankers- because that is when their choices/parenting are going to affect me & my child.
For instance, my bro & sis in laws, are very mainstream- baby in a crib in a nursery down the hall, bottle feeding, etc. I differ but I let it lie- our daughters are the same age, cousins 4-ever. I keep in mind that they think I'm the weirdo/freak of nature/hippie who's barely taking decent care of my kid. The mainstream backs their practices, not mine.

Anyway, we all cope as best we can. Best wishes & good luck.
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#6 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 08:49 PM
 
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I forgot to point out:
sttn= 5 hours straight, not all night.
many babies get up to half their nutrition during night nursing
not nursing at night may lower the supply
moms who nurse 2-3 times per night may have better luck reaching the 1yr mark
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#7 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 09:04 PM
 
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Oh that's a bummer.

My reaction would really depend on how much you need community. I assume if there was an AP group you'd be going to that, so is this all that's available?

Since it was just the two of you, I would stick it out to see how the other mamas are. I can't imagine hanging out with an entire group like that, but if there are just a few, I might tolerate it for the company of the others.

Maybe really examine what you are upset about. Is it the jealousy of your baby still waking at night? Is it just that you feel so bad for her baby? Is it something else? Try to figure that out see if/how you can cope with that.

My sister doesn't do things the way I do. Sometimes its pretty tough to deal with and I struggled with it for a long time. I finally decided the best thing I could do was be an example. Show her the relationship I have with my kids and hope that in time she'll see that what I'm doing is best for us, and maybe she'll learn from it too.

I don't hang out with any 'mainstream' parents that aren't family. If I didn't have any other options though, I probably would. I guess it would also depend for me what else I was getting out of the relationship. If the moms were otherwise enjoyable and we had other things in common, that would help. If we were just completely different and had no other basis for friendship, I wouldn't bother.

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#8 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 09:18 PM
 
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I don't know.. I don't really care much what my friends parenting styles are. I enjoy alot of the moms in my community and don't spend too much time wondering/worrying about how they parent. It doesn't really come up much.

I suppose, tho, if it bothered me I'd either not persue a friendship or maybe adopt a don't ask/don;t tell kind of attitude... just try to steer clear of the subject??
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#9 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 09:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by goldingoddess View Post
I'm angry but I am jealous too.
Don't be. We just don't know how this CIO will affect her child, her child's trust in her as a mom, and child's overall development and confidence. Consider co-sleeping/nightwaking an investment in your future relationship with your child and his trust in you.

I hope you find more like-minded moms in your area. *hugs*

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#10 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 09:34 PM
 
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Is CIO considered mainstream? And by mainstream, I mean is it really common? That makes me very sad.

I'd have a hard time going back too. I'm stuggling with finding a group in my area because I'm new here and have no mom firnds - no friends at all, really. You could try going to meetup.com and maybe starting your own AP group. I've considered that myself.

Mama to Sunshine (9/06), the Duke (4/09), and little chickadee (9/12).
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#11 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 09:42 PM
 
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You know, some kids really do fuss/cry for just a few minutes and then go right to sleep. I never used to believe this, because the few times when I just lay there exhausted for awhile before going to my child, his cries only escalated to a heartrending shriek that had me leaping out of bed.

But, as moxie points out, there really do seem to be two types of kids, those who release tension by fussing and those who don't.

http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006...s_and_cio.html

Which is why, though I would never advocate CIO in the slightest, I think there is a world of difference between a mother who says, "You know, my kid cries for a few minutes and then goes right to sleep" and a mother who says, "Yeah, we let him cry for two hours - that taught him!"

You know? It's all in the attitude. One has figured out what her kid seems to need to fall asleep, one is just following some one-size-fits-all sleep training tactic.

So I guess in a situation like this, without knowing the mother any better, I would tend to believe her. I would look at her as a person: do I like her, is she funny, smart, interesting, would I like to hang out with her? And that's what I'd base my reaction on. Her as a fellow mother who loves her kid, just like I do.
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#12 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 09:55 PM
 
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I don't know.. I don't really care much what my friends parenting styles are. I enjoy alot of the moms in my community and don't spend too much time wondering/worrying about how they parent. It doesn't really come up much.

I suppose, tho, if it bothered me I'd either not persue a friendship or maybe adopt a don't ask/don;t tell kind of attitude... just try to steer clear of the subject??
I have a circle of close friends from college (9 of us), and a few of them FF, do CIO, and are a lot more punitive than I am. But we employ a don't ask don't tell, and they know the only time to talk to me is if they want to hear my opinions and advice about how to *NOT* do what they're doing... They all love their children, and their children love them and none of them seem to be majorly scarred (with the exception of one poor little one I feel so bad for), so I just focus on the friendships we had before, and the friendships we will have in the future. In my local mom groups, I have an AP group and a more mainstream group, and I still value all the women there for various reasons.

I don't want my kids to only be friends with people who think exactly like them, nor feel like they need to "save" everyone. They can lead by example, and offer advice when solicited...and I teach them that by living it, KWIM? I certainly do not stay quiet or condone things my friends do that I don't believe in or think are harmful, but I also don't stop being friends with them because of it.


*Edit: For new moms I meet, if the topics of FF or CIO come up and they are on the pro side, I diplomatically but assertively (is that even a word? ) state my opinions - so they know where I stand, and they usually drop the topic and we move on to find things we have in common instead. I'm not rude, and I've found others aren't rude either, and we find a common ground somewhere. I have yet to have anyone be rude to me after I talk about attachment parenting, even if it's something they don't believe in. I also have yet to talk to a mom where I can't find some common ground somewhere. I guess it comes down to the fact that I believe that most parents love their children, even if they do things that *I* personally believe can adversely affect the parent-child relationship, so I find some way to connect with them because we both love our children, KWIM?

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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#13 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 09:58 PM
 
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I just wouldn't hang out with them. There are things I can deal with, and things I can't. CIO is one of them. I would have left as well.

Mama to a wild thing (10/08) and a new thing (8/5/10) and wife to the love of my
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#14 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 10:52 PM
 
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it gets easier as they get older. I have a great mom friend that I met when our oldest were around 2 and her youngest was 1. I am guessing she formula fed (2 kids that are a year apart), but none of this stuff - CIO, FFing, etc comes up now. She is definitely more mainstream than me but really nice and we get along great. That said keep looking! I am in a fairly conservative area and I was suprised to find a great network of crunchy moms here. We are everywhere!

Mom to Morgan 4-3-06 and announcing Baby Kelsey 4-11-10
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#15 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 11:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
You know? It's all in the attitude. One has figured out what her kid seems to need to fall asleep, one is just following some one-size-fits-all sleep training tactic.

So I guess in a situation like this, without knowing the mother any better, I would tend to believe her. I would look at her as a person: do I like her, is she funny, smart, interesting, would I like to hang out with her? And that's what I'd base my reaction on. Her as a fellow mother who loves her kid, just like I do.

Totally. My second son would SCREAM bloody murder if we tried to hold him or rock him to sleep. He wouldn't co sleep and hated anyone around him. Actually, he didn't even want to give hugs or kisses until he was 4. He would however lay in his bed fuss for a minute and fall asleep. It was almost like he was getting the last bit of energy out, then just pass out. He started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old and I even woke him for the first few weeks so I could feed him since I needed it. So really, it was him who hated being touched. I don't see that as CIO at all, it was doing what was best for my son. Even at 9 he likes to be all alone when he sleeps.

As for the elective c-section, was it her first child? Or has she had a c-section before? Could it be that she really had no other choice and in order to deal with that fact, she just accepted it? I HAVE to have a c-section, no options at all, NONE, and I would hate to have someone judge me because I will admit that honestly, my c-sections were that bad at all. And yes, part of that is justifying my having the c-section which is required, but it doesn't make me a horrible mom or person, or uneducated for that matter.
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#16 of 97 Old 06-09-2009, 11:26 PM
 
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I would have just said something like, Oh, I can't bear to hear my son cry, so I try to comfort him when he does.

I do think its a little rude to just up and leave b/c you don't agree with how someone is parenting, and really thats only a very small part of parenting. I don't agree with CIO either, but I also think that alot of parents don't realize that there is another way to do it.

I've been looking for moms groups in my area and haven't been successful, but I'm really just hoping to find some friends to be my friends, not my parenting buddies. I feel like all I do is parent, and I kinda want some interaction that isn't about the baby.
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#17 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 12:19 AM
 
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I think as AP and NFLiving moms, we are all going to have those 'issues' with other parents that really strike a cord with us.

Mine are CIO and people who are just so ignorantly pro-circ, it's insane. I can't be friends with those types of people. Seriously, sometimes we just have to stay away from certain type of parenting because of how wrong we know it is. I'm not saying that these people don't love their kids, but it would just tear my heart apart being around someone who can do such things and not be bothered by it.
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#18 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 12:26 AM
 
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Yeah, my brother did CIO with his LO and was telling me about it. Doctors keep giving the advice and people follow their doctors b/c they trust them. Also, many people are much more parent centered than child centered... developmentally appropriate, what's that?

I feel icky too when having conversations like that.
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#19 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 12:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by goldingoddess View Post
I am so angry that she let her LO CIO. I'm angry but I am jealous too. I want my LO to STTN so bad. Isn't this horrible? How do you mommas handle hanging with more mainstream mommas, or do you just not do it? I don't think I can do it again. I feel so yucky right now. I also don't want to be so judgmental, but CIO just seems so wrong to me, I can't help it.
. I used to feel the same way in the beginning. I would meet other mothers who did moparented in more "mainstream" ways than I did and though I objected, I also would get angry because I felt like I was making myself a martyr for no reason. But in the end, you just have to decide that what's right for you, is right for you and know that this time when he's not sleeping/still nursing/wants to be held all the time is fleeting...it's only for a short time.

As for leaving, I probably would not associate with her very much either. I haven't made very many friends here yet because I just feel so strongly about my parenting choices/views, that I have a hard time watching others do things so differently. It's just nicer when you all have the same goals/ideas.

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#20 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 12:44 AM
 
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Sometimes it takes a lot of looking to find like minded people in a new area. Keep looking, I'm sure there are one or two out there. s

Breeder Mama: = wife to an amazing man + mama to J-Bear (07/02) and E-Train (06/08), nanny to Little Bird (07/10).

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#21 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 12:44 AM
 
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I understand your concern. My SIL and her husband used CIO with their 2 babes and I totally could not understand how they could do it. (And I have been there at bedtime the kids did not cry for a minute). After trying to see each others views we now know that this is just not an area we discuss. We have chosen to respect that we are raising our kids our way and to support each other the best we can.

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#22 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 01:10 AM
 
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I don't believe her that he only cried for 5 minutes.
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post

But, as moxie points out, there really do seem to be two types of kids, those who release tension by fussing and those who don't.

http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006...s_and_cio.html

Which is why, though I would never advocate CIO in the slightest, I think there is a world of difference between a mother who says, "You know, my kid cries for a few minutes and then goes right to sleep" and a mother who says, "Yeah, we let him cry for two hours - that taught him!"

You know? It's all in the attitude. One has figured out what her kid seems to need to fall asleep, one is just following some one-size-fits-all sleep training tactic.

So I guess in a situation like this, without knowing the mother any better, I would tend to believe her. I would look at her as a person: do I like her, is she funny, smart, interesting, would I like to hang out with her? And that's what I'd base my reaction on. Her as a fellow mother who loves her kid, just like I do.
Yeah. Mine sometimes cries five minutes in my arms. I try everything. Sometimes she needs to be swaddled and left alone. It was totally different with the first and who knew I'd get a baby like this?

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#23 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 01:19 AM
 
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My two closest girlfriends are all pregnant right along with me, though I'm pregnant with my 2nd and them their 1st. I already know they are mainstream by the way they talk and question the things I do. However, once we do get into a discussion about my parenting choices, they are never able to argue with me bc I am fully loaded with research and experience. I try not to judge; I had a mainstream approach before I ever became a mother because it was what I was used to.. but as soon as I became a mother, my maternal instincts went into overdrive and I could never imagine causing pain or unnecessary distress on my child. I'm hoping maybe they will be the same...

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#24 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 04:20 AM
 
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It is hard sometimes, but I fight the urge and then when things click into place I am so happy that we did it this way. When you are in those kinds of situations you have to decide what you want to do and how it will harm any relationships.

Example: Our city has a number of Jews, but only a couple Moroccan synagogues. We've chosen the best (in our opinion) of them and plan to live here for a few years. So, when I hear the discussion between the Rabbi's daughter and some other women about how they CIO because "it is best for the kids" and how moms who bf after a year "have issues" I bite my tongue. I'll say something if asked directly but I temper it. If I said what I wanted to (or what dh says to me later) it would become a huge deal and not something I want to deal with. (Though I do have fantasies about moving far away and then the night before we leave giving her a piece of my mind.)

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#25 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 05:02 AM
 
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yeah.. it is hard for me too.. I keep revisiting the issue
because my child need to socialize and yet in my area
I have no luck of finding anyone like minded and
so it is hard..

I am trying to make it for the sake of little one
so she can play with other kids but
every few minutes I bump into something that
I can't say because I know what reaction it would
bring or I try really hard not to comment on
something the other mama says and I am
split between internal emotional throw up.. eye roll
or just run away syndromme..

I stick there through the play date, I try to
keep conversation on very impersonal level
and it is hard.. as it is just hard because it is not me
and petending all the time is just a mental struggle
that leaves me crawling mentally and recovering
after each and every meeting.

It is unhealthy on some level that I am sure because
it is supposed to be an opportunity to socialize for
moms as well as kids but
after so many trials I just see that as finding new
friend for myself is not easy for obvious reason
as nobody can be friend with just first better person
here we are dealing with a case of trying to make
friendship with someone who is just a potential
because he has kid of our age.. so

now the kid's compability kicks in and that makes
it double hard.

so now I have to deal with the issue of my incopatibility
with other mama and my kid compatibility or incompatibility
with her peer..

having such a difficulty so far I decied that if I will stay
away from people just because they have different parenting
views will leave my child friendless and social less and
that is bad too..

so I am trying to do little steps in just closing my soul
to the ideas and treat them as they are coming from tv or
whatever and try not to comment on anything and keep
my things to me.

It is just tough. I can only tell you that I tried it all

- avoid all people as I was sick after few tryings..
bad just as anything because soon I felt that my child
was not having any kids to play with except accidental
playground stranger kids..

- meeting the other parents who think CIO and formula and stuff... and trying to explain my points of views
and discuss theirs (don't ever go there as this is best
and fastest way to end things and leave you with bad taste..
but of course do what you want.

- then finally I did this.. prepare to be amused:
so.. I meet this couple in a bookstore.. super nice sweet
she is a doctor, he is a IT whatever.. and so we both
love them and her kiddo is playing so nice with my
both love the experience.. the parents beg us to
meet again, exchange contacts.. I email her and knowing
she is a OBGYN I think.. hm.. she is a doctor she has a child
she will understand natural parenting..
so I write nice heart warming and inviting email to her
and do the "btw.. I still nurse my 3.5 year old and I hope
it is okay with you and I only say it to you since
we were to meet blah blah blah.. and since you are
doctor etc... etc.. etc... "..

guess what.. NEVER HEARD FROM them again!!!

: good riddence I say.. I tried that one too so now I know
that I don't need to worry what would happen if I ever would
totally open with other parent to my ways upfront..
so now no more wondering.. I know. Knowledge is power ha ha ha..

so now I realize that the older kids get the easier it is as
there is less and less things that are controversial..
of course new are coming but at least the many things
of early childhood are not the topic of discussion anymore
so we are good in those areas.. and the rest is less
and I am getting bit emotionally stronger per getting more sleep
and my hormons stablizing due to more stabilized nursing habits
of my little one so I can take crap bit easier..

yeah.. it is a lot to do of how well you can handle the crap.

I am sure some day I will meet more mind like parents but now
it is just hard for we really have very limited geographical pareameters
for finding someone and we live in area that is running on
speed and any baby who does not support the idea of
parental career advancement by utilizing CIO to allow faster
and artificial STTN or won't take formula on voluntary basis
will be forced to do so at "bottle point" (as in at gun point). :

so.. here we are.. just had two non like moms meetings in last two days,
I feel exhosted but I look at my daughter and she is so happy
she met her friends, she had lots of fun, she could run together, draw together, talk together, slide together..

and for them all that stuff does not matter so I am going
to put up thorought this till God will smile upon us and send
us some person who will be tru friend and will be equally
happy to hang out with us as we will be..

till then.. just like convenience marriage based on
mutual momentarly need rather then love.. we wil play pretend with
that other parents and divorce when we will get sick of it and can't do it anymore.

thanks for venting at the same time as answering your post.

hugs
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#26 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 09:00 AM
 
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I will say it gets MUCH easier as your children age - AP is much less obvious and in your face when your kids are school age vs. babies.

That said, some of our closest friends had a baby about a year ago. She had no intention of ever trying to breastfeed, bought babywise and still swears by it, and both of them are total helecopter parents. I've had to just let it go and not let it bother me - they are both very good parents and LOVE their dd to death! She was such a demanding little thing that she didn't really let Babywise work and even now they do everything they do for her, deeply believing it's in her best interest.

Who am I to judge? I don't agree with most of it! But I know they think I'm nuts too and much too "loose" with ds.

Our friendship matters too much to let how they parent end it. But we are very compatable in all other areas and have been friends a long, long time.

I do know how hard it is to meet like minded people - I still have not got that down. I'm not crunchy enough for most AP circles and too crunchy for the mainstream ones. So I fit in where I can.

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#27 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 10:56 AM
 
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I feel ya!

I was once sitting in a playgroup talking with a mom I knew from the community. She and her dh had just been to Paris (leaving their 13 month old w/grandparents). I had worked actively on not judging her for taking a trip without the baby, reminding myself that I didn't know how close the child was with the grandparents, that different things work for different families, etc... So I asked her enthusiastically about the trip and she said, "It was fine, but NameOfChild was clingy and fussy the whole time we were gone, and then when we got back we had to reFerberize him." And then bitched about having to hear him scream.

I sat there, stunned, then got up, scooped up my kid, and walked out. Perhaps not the best response, but it was the best I had in me that moment. I was likely to say something nasty if I had stayed.

That stuff is just hard. But I have found that if you look hard enough, you'll find kind, attached parents hiding in the woodwork most places. I live in a community of 2300 people and it hasn't been easy, but over the course of a couple years I patched together a network of friends and acquaintances whose values, if not exactly the same as mine, I can stand to be around and don't mind having my child exposed to.

Hugs and luck! Keep looking--you'll find your peeps.
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#28 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 11:43 AM
 
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I know how you feel.....where I used to work there were a LOT of moms with kids my ds' age and we would frequently exhange stories. The few times I ate lunch at work (reason #1 why I was a weird.....I ebf'ed and usually skipped lunch to nurse ds) I alsmot couldn't handle it. One woman told us how she turned on the kitchen stove fan so she wouldn't hear her 5 MONTH OLD crying himself to sleep. Another mom berated me for not doing birthday parties (we don't celebrate birthdays), saying my child was missing out on so much, then inthe same breath mentioned starting her 4 month old on for ula so that she could leave him with a sitter and stay out all night and get wasted (her exact words). Because that's so mmuch better.....?????

Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

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#29 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 01:16 PM
 
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It's tough to bridge the gap between the different styles of parenting. Even in my AP group there are a few mom's who lean more toward mainstream parenting, but seem to be there to learn more about APing. It's tough to bite your tongue, etc etc.

We had a gathering yesterday, a couple girlfriends and I, and one of them was complaining how the health nurse told her leaving a baby in a car seat for an extended period of time was bad, and how she KNEW it wasn't. I finally spoke up and was like, "Yeah, she was actually very right. It's not good for the babe, at all". She looked at me dumbfounded, and then quickly retracted her statement, and moved onto complain about something else. We left shortly after that, and I just kept to myself, and DS for the remainder of the playdate.

Then of course, I have a girlfriend who is the CIO, if they can ask for breastmilk it's bad, yelling, punishing behavior that's normal, and leaving her baby on the kitchen table in a infant seat type of gal. I've posted about her several times on here. I'm surprised at this point, that we're friends still. The other day, she says to me, after I have spent the last 3 months telling her that pumps are not efficient, and will never be as good as nursing on demand (she has supply issues), "You know what's weird? When I started nursing on demand my supply went up!" I nearly banged my head against the computer desk.

I'm ranting now. Anyway, if there isn't an AP group in your area, why don't you start one? Facebook is a great way to network, and you'd be surprised at the ones who come out of the woodwork! I definitely wouldn't be active in any playdates if I wasn't with sort of likeminded mom's.
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#30 of 97 Old 06-10-2009, 01:20 PM
 
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I didn't read all the posts yet, but guessing I may be in the minority on this one.

Quote:
I actually said, "oh no, you didn't let him CIO did you?" and she said well he only really cried for 5 minutes. I left immediately after that exchange.
To be completely honest, I think that is really mean. It seems very judgemental to say oh no you didn't really do________, and then leave right after. It may be your personal opinion that CIO or "whatever" is wrong for your family, but really! do you think it is your place to judge what others do?

I think Bumbo chairs are stupid, I BF my toddlers, I carried them around in a mei tai, I also did use CIO. I never went up to someone else and said Oh no, you used a bumbo chair! formula! your baby still sleeps with you! and ran away from them.

In my personal experience baby up at night was okay for a while, but after my second was 11 months, I went back to work full time and for 6 months still feed at night, taking care of a toddler a 3 year old and working full time and not having a full night of sleep in years, it takes its toll, to the point I couldn't cope. 2 night of crying and we all slept better, I had more engergy and was a better mom for it, and my son is no less attched to me for it! The point being is that all moms do the best for their families, for some people having a certain amount of sleep is crutial to their ability to be calm, have patience and get through the day, this amount of sleep is different for everyone. It really bothers me when people are so judgemental! BF is the same way, I am all for BF and BF my children for a long time, yet I know of someone who was horribly depressed, BF was going fine, but she hated it, and had PPD. (not that all mom with PPD have issues with BF, but she did)She swtiched to formula and was happier for it, sure it is not as "nutritious" but having a depressed mother is also not healthy for a baby and has long term implications, and in her case she and her baby had a better outcome with formula. So until you walk in someone elses shoes, why do you feel it is your place to tell someone else they are wrong?
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