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#1 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 03:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I have an acquaintance from another message board. We've met a few times, and one of the last times I saw her, she was expecting, so I gave her (no payment expected or asked for or offered) 2 big garbage bags of baby boys' clothing. She has a 2 yr old daughter and now also has a 9 wk old son. I am currently expecting a girl, my last child, so I was content to "pass these on" to someone I felt would appreciate the gesture. That's what I tend to do.. I find selling used baby clothes is more hassle than it's worth in the end. She thanked me at the time, I haven't heard much from her since, but we've seen each other at a few get-togethers, etc.

So today, I get a message out of the blue:

Hi *****,
Are you in need of any baby girl clothes? I'm about 90% sure we're not having any more so I have some gently used girl clothes I'm willing to sell if you're interested. Just let me know.
*****




I literally rolled my eyes and said, "well, gee, thanks!" to no one but myself.

I know she can do what she wants to with her daughter's old clothes, but would it bother you to be asked to *buy* some used clothes when you had *given* this person 2 garbage bags of clothing not 2 months previous? Am I nuts? Do I reply at all, or should I just leave it? If she asks in person, I feel I may have difficulty holding my tongue or finding the proper words! It just seems ungrateful somehow to ask me that. I didn't expect to be offered anything for free in return, but to be asked to buy something when I didn't ask for anything... ?

Laura, Mom of Cameron 07/01, Evan 01/08, and Madeline 07/09. Busy, but very happy! :
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#2 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 03:19 PM
 
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That is a little weird to me as well. I can understand getting some money out of clothes but offering to sell clothes to someone who has given you lots of clothes for free is a bit tacky for lack of better words.

Personally, I would just ignore it. If she asks again and just say "No thanks." and smile. No need to say anything more even if you are thinking it.
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#3 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 03:21 PM
 
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Hmmm... does she somehow have the impression that you are much more well off than she is? I can see that being something that would happen in my circle.

Dawn, mama to D (3.06) & N (9.07) C (11.09) & Still-in-shock surprise due in Aug!
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#4 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 03:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hmmm... does she somehow have the impression that you are much more well off than she is? I can see that being something that would happen in my circle.
I'd think if anything it might be the opposite.. I've posted before on our board about some financial stuff, about wondering how to do sleeping arrangements for 3 kids + 2 adults in a 3 bedroom house, saving $ on groceries, I am a sahm, neither of us live in a particularly well-to-do area of town, etc.

The only other thing I could think of was that maybe she didn't remember who had given the clothes to her?? We don't know each other exceptionally well, but I would have thought she'd have remembered that!

Cheappearls, I thought it was pretty tacky as well. I feel a little used, honestly, but I'm trying not to let it bother me too much!

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#5 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 03:36 PM
 
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That's a little odd. I think I would be tempted to go light hearted in my response and say something like:

I could take a look and see what you've got, just as long as you promise not to try and make me pay for some of the same clothes I gifted you two months ago.


and then see what she says.
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#6 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 03:36 PM
 
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I'm blunt and would probably say something like, "No thanks, I'm sure some of my friends will give me stuff...like I gave you those two bags of clothes a couple of months ago. Remember?" Let her make of that what she will.

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#7 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 03:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by artgoddess View Post
That's a little odd. I think I would be tempted to go light hearted in my response and say something like:

I could take a look and see what you've got, just as long as you promise not to try and make me pay for some of the same clothes I gifted you two months ago.


and then see what she says.
Totally

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#8 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 03:44 PM
 
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I'm blunt and would probably say something like, "No thanks, I'm sure some of my friends will give me stuff...like I gave you those two bags of clothes a couple of months ago. Remember?" Let her make of that what she will.
I like this response. And, yes, that was very tacky of her.:
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#9 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 03:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by CheapPearls View Post
That is a little weird to me as well. I can understand getting some money out of clothes but offering to sell clothes to someone who has given you lots of clothes for free is a bit tacky for lack of better words.

Personally, I would just ignore it. If she asks again and just say "No thanks." and smile. No need to say anything more even if you are thinking it.
This.

I had similar weirdness with passing along baby stuff. We knew a younger couple who were expecting their first. (the husband works for us)

I get an invitation to the baby shower and call the grandmother to be (the hostess) and ask "is there anything in particular they really need like a carseat, pack-n-play, etc.?"

The couple was just starting out and and DH and I decided to pass as much of our baby gear as they wanted on to them. We felt good about it because we knew it would really help them.

A short list of what they took included 2 very gently used Snugrides, brand new crib mattress, bouncey chair, Boopies with covers, basinet, stroller, and several trash bags of clothing. I only list this to hightlight the following weirdness.

Turns out I can't attend the shower and I call grandmother to be to say I won't be attending.

She mentions the things we gave the couple and "oh that is so great, blah, blah, blah..."

She then says "so what will you be buying them off the registry?"

Huh? Didn't I just give them almost everything they needed?

I sort of stammered and she says "well, you said you were planning on getting them some from their registry" like I was somehow shafting them!

I ended the conversation quickly, sent a card with a nice note and that was the end of it.

Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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#10 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 03:54 PM
 
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I don't know that I would attach any feelings to her email at all. You gave those clothes to her, but did you write a tag saying there was an understanding she was obliged to you then? When you *give* something to someone, it's nice to hear a thank you and get that good feeling from it, and then you have to let that be the end of it. It sounds like, to me, that you are placing judgement on her for trying to sell her clothing (is her money tight? Maybe she is going through something and really needs the money. You might not know), because you gave her clothing a couple of months before which, as you said, you would have given away anyway. I dunno, but if I was her, I would rather you gave the clothing to someone else if it meant I had to then watch what I do with my stuff and my life afterwards in order to not be looked at like this by my friend.
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#11 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 04:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know that I would attach any feelings to her email at all. You gave those clothes to her, but did you write a tag saying there was an understanding she was obliged to you then? When you *give* something to someone, it's nice to hear a thank you and get that good feeling from it, and then you have to let that be the end of it. It sounds like, to me, that you are placing judgement on her for trying to sell her clothing (is her money tight? Maybe she is going through something and really needs the money. You might not know), because you gave her clothing a couple of months before which, as you said, you would have given away anyway. I dunno, but if I was her, I would rather you gave the clothing to someone else if it meant I had to then watch what I do with my stuff and my life afterwards in order to not be looked at like this by my friend.
I do get that a gift is a gift and comes with no strings.. That's specifically why I gave them away, you know? I didn't expect anything, didn't ask for anything, and wouldn't have thought, "oh, in 2 mos, I'm sure she'll give *me* xyz... ".

And for that matter, I didn't ask her about her girl clothes either.. she emailed ME. If she wanted to sell her baby clothes, that's totally cool and I don't begrudge her that in the least, and likewise, if she's going through financial issues, I totally respect that. Heck, if she wants to sell the clothes I gave her afterwards, I don't care. It's your own prerogative to do what you want with your own child's things, but it seems tacky to ask me after I gave her the same thing so recently. I just think it was in poor taste, and if it were me, I would have sold them online (kijiji/craigslist), or offered to sell them to another mom who was expecting a girl. Like it's a step away from trying to sell my *own* clothes I *gave* her back to me, you know? Even if it were something different, like, "hey, wanna buy my used swing?", I'd be totally game and not be think anything of it, but this rubs me the wrong way.

Laura, Mom of Cameron 07/01, Evan 01/08, and Madeline 07/09. Busy, but very happy! :
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#12 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 04:31 PM
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Originally Posted by CheapPearls View Post
That is a little weird to me as well. I can understand getting some money out of clothes but offering to sell clothes to someone who has given you lots of clothes for free is a bit tacky for lack of better words.

Personally, I would just ignore it. If she asks again and just say "No thanks." and smile. No need to say anything more even if you are thinking it.
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#13 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 04:33 PM
 
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It was tacky. I would laugh it off. It gives you a good story to share

Homeschooling mama of four fantastic kids and wife to one great guy.
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#14 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 04:33 PM
 
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I wouldn't even think twice about it. It wouldn't bother me. As far as what I'd do? I'd just send back a polite, "no, thanks - we've got all we need" email and leave it.

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#15 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 04:35 PM
 
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That is weird, and I would hope that I would have the courage to gently bring it up. "I'm a little uncomfortable because I gave you baby clothes, but you want me to pay for these baby clothes. Is there a reason you want me to pay you?" Maybe she thinks her clothes are nice brands or something? In which case it might just be that she wants to you pay a bit toward them because of that.

I can not promise I would be able to do that, though.
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#16 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 04:55 PM
 
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Hmmmm, had a baby nine weeks ago?? I'd let it slide. By let it slide, I mean, I'd completely ignore the communication from her and laugh it off.

I say ignore it, because there is always the slight possibility that she doesn't remember, as completely rude and strange as that may be...and I try to be super forgiving of any parent in the first few months...I mean, sooo sleepy. I just remember being SO sleepy. Who knows what sort of silly things I may have said that I don't even remember!!

Yeah...let it slide. Laugh it off. Thank your lucky stars, that you are not so tacky as she! That's a really silly move...if she wants to sell the clothes, fine...but don't try and sell them to YOU! You know?

My goodness...people!

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#17 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 04:56 PM
 
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Weird and tacky.
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#18 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 05:22 PM
 
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I'm actually wondering if you were actually part of a larger list that she sent exactly the same email to? I know that I have set up "individual" emails that are actually part of a list to protect other's email addresses. Maybe she didn't really think about it, she just tagged all of her email friends that she knew had little girls?
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#19 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 05:34 PM
 
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I don't know that I would attach any feelings to her email at all. You gave those clothes to her, but did you write a tag saying there was an understanding she was obliged to you then? When you *give* something to someone, it's nice to hear a thank you and get that good feeling from it, and then you have to let that be the end of it. It sounds like, to me, that you are placing judgement on her for trying to sell her clothing (is her money tight? Maybe she is going through something and really needs the money. You might not know), because you gave her clothing a couple of months before which, as you said, you would have given away anyway. I dunno, but if I was her, I would rather you gave the clothing to someone else if it meant I had to then watch what I do with my stuff and my life afterwards in order to not be looked at like this by my friend.
This seems like an unfair interpretation of what the OP was saying. She isn't expecting anything in return but when people are so ungracious it is difficult to ignore. If someone gave me a gift like that I would be looking for a way to repay them in equal kindness, not necessarily like for like but I would certainly want to feel that they were aware of my gratitude. I think the OP is simply aware of a lack of good manners on her friend's part.
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#20 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 05:36 PM
 
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That is a little weird to me as well. I can understand getting some money out of clothes but offering to sell clothes to someone who has given you lots of clothes for free is a bit tacky for lack of better words.

Personally, I would just ignore it. If she asks again and just say "No thanks." and smile. No need to say anything more even if you are thinking it.
I agree. Some people are just like this about stuff and about money. No need to make a big deal of it, just thank and decline... and don't give her anything else.
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#21 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 06:00 PM
 
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Definitely weird. But then again, I sent a friend a GORGEOUS (and expensive) outfit for their little girl when she was born. We didn't have DS til a few years later, and of course I didn't *expect* a gift from anyone. But they sent a big box -- of hand-me-downs that were worn by their 8-year-old and 2-year-old boys! No note like, "We thought you could use this" or "Hope this helps out". It was presented as THE BABY GIFT. I wouldn't have thought anything of it if they'd merely sent a card, but I found it strange to get a box of hand-me-downs that had been through not one, but two kids, and we'd never had a conversation about it before.
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#22 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 06:09 PM
 
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I'm actually wondering if you were actually part of a larger list that she sent exactly the same email to? I know that I have set up "individual" emails that are actually part of a list to protect other's email addresses. Maybe she didn't really think about it, she just tagged all of her email friends that she knew had little girls?
I wondered this, too.
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#23 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 06:43 PM
 
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I'm actually wondering if you were actually part of a larger list that she sent exactly the same email to? I know that I have set up "individual" emails that are actually part of a list to protect other's email addresses.
That's what I do when I send emails to a bunch of people, blind carbon copy.

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#24 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 06:50 PM
 
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i would initially roll my eyes and then wonder if she was getting enough rest...but either way, i would say no thank you or forget to reply.

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#25 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 07:04 PM
 
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I don't know that I would attach any feelings to her email at all. You gave those clothes to her, but did you write a tag saying there was an understanding she was obliged to you then? When you *give* something to someone, it's nice to hear a thank you and get that good feeling from it, and then you have to let that be the end of it. It sounds like, to me, that you are placing judgement on her for trying to sell her clothing (is her money tight? Maybe she is going through something and really needs the money. You might not know), because you gave her clothing a couple of months before which, as you said, you would have given away anyway. I dunno, but if I was her, I would rather you gave the clothing to someone else if it meant I had to then watch what I do with my stuff and my life afterwards in order to not be looked at like this by my friend.
These are the things I tell myself when stuff like this happens. But yes, it was tacky ....

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#26 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 07:20 PM
 
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Ditto Panthira. I would probably feel upset, but I don't think the email is tacky or necessarily rude. It also depends what brand the clothes are. I know for my DD I can resell her Gymbo, J&J, Hanna, etc. for nearly close to what I paid.

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#27 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 07:29 PM
 
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Tacky!

I would write back and say No thanks we have everything we need! I hope you are enjoying your new baby and are able to get some good use out of the clothes I gave you! Take Care.
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#28 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 07:33 PM
 
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You giving her clothes was a very nice and generous thing to do. However she's not under any obligation to do the same with you. It would be nice, but even as far as etiquette goes, she's not really required to reciprocate your gift with a gift in kind, just a thank you.

I'd totally let it go and please don't make any mention of what you've done for her, that would be tacky.

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#29 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 07:37 PM
 
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You giving her clothes was a very nice and generous thing to do. However she's not under any obligation to do the same with you. It would be nice, but even as far as etiquette goes, she's not really required to reciprocate your gift with a gift in kind, just a thank you.

I'd totally let it go and please don't make any mention of what you've done for her, that would be tacky.
I don't think the OP thinks her friend should just give her the clothes. I think she just thinks it would have been less tacky to just not bring it up at all rather than offering to sell clothes to the OP right after the OP gave her clothes.

The timing is just bad, I guess. If the two incidents had been separated by a year or two you probably wouldn't have even thought about it, but I can see how it's noticeable since it did happen so close together.

However, I agree with Joyster that to send any reply other than, "No thank you, but thanks for the offer" would be tacky on your part. End the tacky cycle!

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#30 of 42 Old 06-10-2009, 07:44 PM
 
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I'd find it a bit off-putting, but I wouldn't say anything.

Mama to Sunshine (9/06), the Duke (4/09), and little chickadee (9/12).
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