"Bad Parenting" popular, according to CNN - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-16-2009, 02:44 AM
 
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I think being a bad mom is not giving all that you have to motherhood as well as placing your child in a painful or dangerous position. I would LIKE to think that moms are all doing the best they can but sadly most are not. Am I perfect, VERY far from it but I have no problem saying where my short comings are and constantly working on them.
Now if you read this and get all huffy, maybe that is your own guilt, if so, own that guilt and doing something about it to change it.
I will freely admit my lack of patience with this topic ( it come up alot around here) is slightly bitter driven. If I was doing everything ' the mainstream way' what is going on in my life would be ok, accepted, no big deal. BUT because I do things differently than most around here ( locally) I have " made my own bed, now I have to sleep in it" is what I get alot. I think that AP here has saved us, yes it can be harder but didn't people's mamas teach that that more often then not the right thing to do is often the hardest? Or treat others how you want to be treated? Or others before self? Sadly these basic moral princiaples are vanishing from our society. When moms want to schedule a c section so that they are not inconvienced with the birth of there child, it sets up the mentallity that motherhood is all about mother, and how to make it easy for her. Motherhood isn't about pushing a cute little baby in a cute little outfit in a cute little pram on the way home from the nannies after you played tennis all day for the 5th day in a row this week. It isn;t about being able to turn mommy on and off when you feel like it. I think that is what socitey has turned it into. I think the world of moms who bust there hump all day long at work so that they can have food and a place to live and live in a decent area for there kid to grow up in, knowing most of that check is going to go to day care. It makes me sick for them, I could not imagiane that pain and frustration, to see moms throw motherhood around like a cool thing to do when they feel like it and piss there time away doing what THEY want while the child is with a nanny all day, all because mom " just needs to be herself still". Sorry chica, you are a mama now that that is what you should be to your child, of you didn't want all that comes with it don't do it.
Am I a perfect one, no!
List to come of what I do that is so wrong, baby up, off to nurse again!

Why some locals moms have said I am a bad parent:
I BF he until e self weaned at almost three, and still BF J
We still cosleep with J full time and E whenever he wants, ( usually 3 until he awakes for the day)
I let them play naked in the backyard in the sprinkler all day
i cut dairy and gluten out of e's diet
We are relaxed learners
I did not circ
I BF on demand
i WILL NOT vax ever again
J is still RFing in the car
I feel strong against CIO

there are more that are escaping me right now
but I am still coming to terms to things I did before I knew better with easton:

the doctor told me at 9 weeks that my milk wasn't enough for E and that he needs to be on three solids a day, formula inbetween and BM whenever I want inbetween, and I listened. that still weighs on me
oh he was 22lbs at that appointment on JUST my milk on demand, he said he nursed to much and that I needed to work on a schedule.

I turned he forward facing when he was 10 monthes because he was over thrirty lbs and screamed all the time. You would think that when the screaming still didn't stop that I would just turn him back around but I never thought of that, why would that matter?

I vaxed him for four monthes before I second guessed the coincidence in the encyphalitis after EACH round in him and the vaxes and all the other bad weird things too.

I tried CIO when I was at the end of my rope when he was ten monthes old, mad him worse, and he still remembers it

But when I was doing all these things everyone praised me on what a great mom I was, never got a second glance or thought from people, only when I started doing what I LOVE to do did I get a hard time, bad rep, and a 'bad mom' threat.....

Living DAIRY AND GLUTEN FREE for my SPD and Aspergers Little Man.
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Old 06-16-2009, 02:54 AM
 
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Definitely true sometimes. But sometimes, all too often really, a mom makes it clear she does actually think another mom that does things differently is bad or a failure of sorts. And I have seen the terms "abuse" and "abusive" thrown around way too liberally at times.
:

I read and post on true crime boards. That's were you learn about real "abuse". Abuse IS children being beaten, abandoned, dumped in trash cans, sexually abused, raped, left to die in a bedroom a few feet from where the "parents" are because the "parents" couldn't be bothered to get off their video game to feed the baby. Abuse IS NOT using a stroller, feeding a baby formula, giving a kid food that is not organic, letting your baby fuss for a few minutes, using disposible diapers, not co-sleeping, etc, etc.

And why do people have to throw in derogitory terms for other moms like "helicopter mom" (just one I can think of that I've seen recently). Why?? What purpose does it serve other than to tear another mother down who is probably trying to do the best she can?
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Old 06-16-2009, 02:59 AM
 
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the moms at the park call my aunt a helicopter mom. i have always thought hover craft was a more accurate description. she doesn't take it personally and i don't know why someone would. 'you watch your kid really closely' 'what? how dare you insult my parenting!' ..... huh? why would that bother people?

my family calls me an earth mother.. i call me she who has yet to clean to kitchen.


and erm.. what on earth is a true crime board? and lord it sounds depressing
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Old 06-16-2009, 03:07 AM
 
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And why do people have to throw in derogitory terms for other moms like "helicopter mom" (just one I can think of that I've seen recently). Why?? What purpose does it serve other than to tear another mother down who is probably trying to do the best she can?
Well exactly so why call yourself a "bad mom". Makes no sense. Then again I don't really see "helicopter mom" as bad but more of a description. But I don't think being one is a horrible thing even though I am not. Did that make sense?

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Old 06-16-2009, 03:25 AM
 
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and erm.. what on earth is a true crime board? and lord it sounds depressing

True Crime discussions.

Caylee Marie Anthony - 2 - murdered most likely by her mother (who breastfed her!).

Haylee Donathan - 3 - missing with her mom and a dangerous sex offender who the mom (and dad, and mom's brother) helped escape from a half-way house.

Haleigh Cummings - 5 - still missing.

The list goes on and on.

As for the term "helicopter mom", like most words it isn't derogitory in itself, but the way some people use it makes it seem like it's a horrible thing.
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Old 06-16-2009, 03:28 AM
 
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yikes... how on earth do you read that? i think it would make me sad.. and paranoid.. probably very paranoid.
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Old 06-16-2009, 03:29 AM
 
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i knew the thing about caylee anthony and someone said to me once "gosh and her mom BF..imagine how bad it would have been if she had FF" to me .. whose child is FF. wtf is that supposed to mean? how does it get worse then killing your child? how on earth could FF have possibly made that worse?
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Old 06-16-2009, 03:34 AM
 
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i knew the thing about caylee anthony and someone said to me once "gosh and her mom BF..imagine how bad it would have been if she had FF" to me .. whose child is FF. wtf is that supposed to mean? how does it get worse then killing your child? how on earth could FF have possibly made that worse?
Dude, no kidding!!! WTH????!!!

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Old 06-16-2009, 03:38 AM
 
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i know right! i was lucky i didn't burst into tears or haul off and smack her. it was not long after i started trying to re lactate .. and was struggling a lot with it.. i mean who the F#$% says that anyway?
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Old 06-16-2009, 03:44 AM
 
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i know right! i was lucky i didn't burst into tears or haul off and smack her. it was not long after i started trying to re lactate .. and was struggling a lot with it.. i mean who the F#$% says that anyway?
People who buy into the BFing/natural birthing automatically guarantees the optimum bonding no matter what and all BFers/NBers have the best relationship with their LOs ever. Much better than if they were to FF or get an epidural.

IIRC women were killing their children long before epidurals and formula came into play.

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Old 06-16-2009, 06:38 AM
 
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If someone FF, had an epi, used a crib, etc. but is amazing at gentle discipline, then I think THAT person is truly an AP. And that GD work is the work of a lifetime. And man, for me, is it hard!
You just described my parents, except for the epi . I think of them as AP and model my parenting on theirs because they took me seriously as a person with needs and opinions from the very beginning. My mom tried to BF, but inverted nipples prevented her; they say I was happiest in my crib - just drifted off peacefully when they put me down - I still don't like any physical contact with anyone while I sleep (we all co-sleep in a BIG bed )

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People who buy into the BFing/natural birthing automatically guarantees the optimum bonding no matter what and all BFers/NBers have the best relationship with their LOs ever. Much better than if they were to FF or get an epidural.

IIRC women were killing their children long before epidurals and formula came into play.
So incredibly silly! I had no pain meds at birth and am still bf my 2.5 yo, but I also had PPD and bonding took a LOOONG time. While I didn't actually want to kill my daughter, I did have fantasies of abandoning her, either by going away or by dying. How easy life would be if equations such as NB + BF + co-sleeping = healthy bond, happy mom & baby worked like that! (Or, the Babywise equation: scheduled feeding + sleep training + early corporal punishment = well-adjusted, happy, peaceful baby, rested parents.) They don't.
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Old 06-16-2009, 10:54 AM
 
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Why some locals moms have said I am a bad parent:
I BF he until e self weaned at almost three, and still BF J
We still cosleep with J full time and E whenever he wants, ( usually 3 until he awakes for the day)
I let them play naked in the backyard in the sprinkler all day
i cut dairy and gluten out of e's diet
We are relaxed learners
I did not circ
I BF on demand
i WILL NOT vax ever again
J is still RFing in the car
I feel strong against CIO
One thing I've learned is that I don't discuss my decisions with most people. Most people don't KNOW we've co-slept, don't CIO, etc. Once I find out they do some of the same things, we might share stories, tips, etc. but that's about it. What I have found, unfortunately, is that when I bring things up is that people think it's an open invitation to make comments, weigh in with their opinions, etc. So I don't. Obviously some choices are more obvious (like when you are BFing) but I still don't talk about it to some people. . . it's not worth it.

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Old 06-16-2009, 11:26 AM
 
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My major contention point with this whole article is that it seems to be about personally bucking a label, however ironically ends with adopting a new label.

It's not a logical or feasible conclusion to the point she was trying to get to and rather loses the entire message by it. I believe her whole point was to stop the mental comparisons we all make naturally within our minds, yet by adopting a new label you are almost forced to continue comparing and simply adopt the counter stance about all of the personal parenting goals you fell short on. Hardly a positive or constructive stance. Rebellion at its finest, but when its a personal struggle, no one wins. In fact everyone loses (mom and the kids). I honestly believe that the derived conclusion of her article was not her true intent, but obviously that is how many others are reacting to it...re: the media's interpretation. "Bad"....the new good ...its cool Its totally lost......
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Old 06-16-2009, 11:52 AM
 
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<snip>

I'm a heckuvalot less judgmental now than I was when my first was a baby. Over the years, I've come to see a lot more gray, rather than black and white. The experience with my youngest dd made me see even more gray.
:

In my job I work w/ families with young kids. In the beginning, I saw it as all black and white, and secretly judged anyone who didn't parent exactly like me. Nowadays, I no longer judge people for anything other than outright abuse or neglect, so long as I can see that they love and take good care of their children. I find that the great majority are doing the very best they can with what they know at the time. Every family is so different, but there are so many ways to take good care of one's children.

“War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.”
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Old 06-16-2009, 07:40 PM
 
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yikes... how on earth do you read that? i think it would make me sad.. and paranoid.. probably very paranoid.
It is hard to read, but I do think it is important to know about the surrounding issues. A lot of the stories (not all) have to do with sexual predators who got short prison sentences for their first (or second, or third!!) convictions, then got early releases for "good behavior" and then went out to abuse other children/adults. Of course a sexual predator who is attracted to children is going to be "good" in a prison enviroment, because their target isn't avaliable. For some reason young women seem to be inviting men into their lives that they know are sexual predators but for whatever reason ignore that fact. Nevaeh Buchanan is a recent example of that. She was 5. She's dead. Brooke Bennett. She was 13. She's dead.

The problems won't go away if we simply choose to ignore them by not reading about them or watching news stories about them. But maybe people that understand the issues can try to be a voice for change. We definately need longer sentences for sexual predators with no chance of early release.



Google Shia Travis if you want to see a heartbreaking account of real "bad parents".
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Old 06-16-2009, 08:09 PM
 
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I think being a bad mom is not giving all that you have to motherhood...
Nope. I gave all I had to motherhood for years and years. DS1 got everything I had in me to give...and when dd finally came along, I didn't have much left. If I'd been a little less willing to give "all that I have" to ds1, it would have been better for dd and ds2. (Sure - my situation was complicated by emotional issues around ttc, m/c and an emotionally abusive marriage...but giving all I had was still not a great idea.)

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i knew the thing about caylee anthony and someone said to me once "gosh and her mom BF..imagine how bad it would have been if she had FF" to me .. whose child is FF. wtf is that supposed to mean? how does it get worse then killing your child? how on earth could FF have possibly made that worse?
That's one of the most effed up things I've ever heard. Aside from whatever issues her mom had, breastfeeding is not a guarantee of a perfect mother/child bond, although I personally love it and would be heartbroken if it didn't work out for me. Breastfeeding does affect a woman's hormonal balance (I had a strong reminder of that when we lost Aaron, and sex was pain-free as soon as I healed from the section - we need lubricant when I'm breastfeeding, but not then), and that's not always going to work just the way it's supposed to, yk?

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Old 06-16-2009, 08:12 PM
 
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For some reason young women seem to be inviting men into their lives that they know are sexual predators but for whatever reason ignore that fact.
Based on one woman I know, and the choices I've seen her make, I think it may be linked to the hackneyed "love of a good woman" thing. This particular person really believes that, just because she's a good woman, and is attracted to Bad Boy X (no sexual predators that I know of, but a huge assortment of other issues), she can "cure" him. She's actually said it, and everything about her behaviour backs up that she's thinking that way. It's kind of unnerving, honestly.

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Old 06-16-2009, 08:44 PM
 
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Based on one woman I know, and the choices I've seen her make, I think it may be linked to the hackneyed "love of a good woman" thing. This particular person really believes that, just because she's a good woman, and is attracted to Bad Boy X (no sexual predators that I know of, but a huge assortment of other issues), she can "cure" him. She's actually said it, and everything about her behaviour backs up that she's thinking that way. It's kind of unnerving, honestly.

this attitude blows my mind. from a woman who loves a few "bad boys" very very much you CANNOT change them. my best friends little brother who is, for all intents and purposes, is my little brother too is about as bad boy as one can get. i love him more then words, i watched him grow up, i would do nearly anything for him with in the realm of reason and he has never meet my son.

this guy has women falling all over him. it is ridiculous, i feel like he should come with some sort of Hazard label. these women move in with him, sleep with him, fall in love with him.... the whole time thinking they can change him. i can't imagine how you can fall in love with someone and want to change them... that doesn't really add up to me.

some guys are big jerks but they keep it hidden until to late... he has to personalities... nice and loving and wonderful and enraged and abusive. the women he hits always refuse to press charges or later drop them. they just want to make things work. he assaulted me once and i called the cops and filed a report... no marks so no case but i would have pressed charges if i could have. the kid needs to learn he can't flipping get out of everything. he just got out of an assault charge (g/f's parents made her press charges) b/c she turned 18 and decided to go to leave the state instead of pressing charges against the guy who assaulted her. WTF?

this has happened so many times it makes me ill. he wraps women (including his mother ... i love her dearly but its true) around his little finger. he is sweet and wonderful and has a whole host of other endearing qualities... up until he gets angry and puts his fist through a wall. but no one wants to press charges b/c they all believe that he really wants to be good (its true he does want to be good... he just doesn't want it bad enough to work for it) he really is sweet most of the time (also true but the times he's not are horrifying) and they know that if they love him enough and he loves them that he will change. nope sorry not a chance. there was one girl who i though had a fighting chance but she left him b/c it wasn't a healthy relationship for her (she's a sweetheart and is definitely better off) he was people who love him and people he loves... his priorities and his loyalties are where they are... and its going to take a flipping miracle to change that,

nearly every woman who has come into his life has left it much worse for the wear. emotionally mostly... but either way it still sucks. he loves his mom and his sisters (me and my best friend) i think the list pretty much ends there. ironically he loves his sisters who take every chance we can to try and make sure he gets caught when he does something stupid and/ illegal... and make sure he gets charged with it. not sure why.. but it is what it is. there is no changing him. he has to change himself.
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Old 06-16-2009, 08:49 PM
 
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I totally agree. I don't get the "I love him and I know I can change him" thing...and I get the "I love him so much, but want to change him so badly" thing, either. If I felt that someone needed that much changing, I wouldn't be getting involved, yk?

Oh, well - this is veering way OT, but I do find it really frustrating when it's around me. I haven't met her new guy yet, but I'm guessing...more of the same.

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Old 06-16-2009, 11:42 PM
 
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Oh yeah, I know this is the beginning of parenthood, and I know I am very lucky. That was my point! I would be a real horses booty to judge anyone, really, considering. I've never been that woman or that man, and I've never parented that baby with their life experiences behind me.

That said, I'm 100% human, and I do feel sadness or upset when I find out that a friend did circ her son, or when someone says I ought to just, "let him cry" because I can't cope. My husband tells me to let him CIO. But I just can't. And I can't help but wonder how often my husband was left to scream as a baby, and just how sadly invalidated his needs and feelings were. He does the best he can, and he's a fabulous partner. I guess my point here is, I'm sometimes a bit judgmental for a moment, then I catch myself.

The dog world is no different, and there I am an expert. I feel a little more likely to judge there (not that it's right there, either) because I HAVE lived with just about every personality or problem dog imaginable in a decade of intense rescue work. Plus breeding, showing, training... and all different types and ages of dogs. I have a touch of the, "If I can train and handle and groom and care for six screwy rescue dogs, why can't you control your ONE little pet?" and now and then I get called on it and I'm glad. Not everyone is an expert, and I'm a total newbie about parenting. I'm having outstanding success so far, and it does come with guilt! Maybe I thought it would be so horrible that it being just so-so feels wonderful to me, or maybe I have the worlds most easy, charming baby, or maybe I was born to be a mom. Maybe his toddlerhood will suck and that's when I'll "finally" know that "I can't do this anymore" desperation. And heck, teenage years... oh, boy!

So yeah, I'm real, I'm human... and I try to always understand other peoples' experiences and actions. I am a SAHM with an easy baby and a happy marriage and a lot of freedom and amazing parents who raised me with pure love and acceptance and self regulating and trust. I learned a long time ago to count my blessings and lend a hand or an ear to someone- gets you a lot further than passing judgments does.
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Old 06-17-2009, 12:41 AM
 
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Oh yeah, I know this is the beginning of parenthood, and I know I am very lucky. That was my point!
I guessed you knew that, but what I am saying that it seems like generally, those issues are the ones people get stuck on-- that somehow one is branded a "certain kind" of parent because of a certain feeding method they chose or how sleeping arrangements are.

Also, at least for me, with my 1st child, as mentioned in this thread by pps, I was FAR more black/white about issues than I am now. Take CIO. Would I ever do it with an infant? No, I would not . . .except in cases where it's actually better to walk away than have a nervous breakdown (my 3rd screamed for about the first 2 years of her life-- until she was WEANED, ironically). Or, there were 2 occasions where my 3rd DD (she was over a year) screamed more when I was WITH her putting her to sleep, so I let her cry (she was alone) and then she went to sleep. Had she been baby #1, I probably would've second guessed myself a lot more about that, felt guilty, etc. I was also very judgmental that first year, but those later years (and children) taught me many lessons!

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Old 06-17-2009, 01:26 AM
 
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I don't think this Bad Parent Vs. Good Parent has anything to do with AP. It's just the backlash to the so-called Helicopter parenting. For so long I think Mainstream parents were under the impression that being a "super parent" meant you had to constantly schedule things for your kids. Activities every night of the week, push them to get good grades, make sure they have all the latest stuff, etc....I feel that AP is all about being a responsive parent. We're not trying to push our kids to be better, smarter, or more athletic...we're just trying to give them what they need. I think being a helicopter parent means you aren't really being responsive to their needs. A child needs some time to relax, play, have fun, and just be a child...they can't do that when you have them constantly running all over the place.
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Old 06-17-2009, 01:54 AM
 
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Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
i don't think any of that has anything to do with being a bad parent. people just don't agree about things yk? some people are hover crafts some are more laid back... some people apply all rules to every child and some people tailor them to each child individually yk?

i guess i think that there are parenting choices that are much more important than these ones. these are little things that we all may have different opinions about but IMO are not worth beating yourself up over.

like mcdonalds or mac and cheese. does ds get it every meal? no of course not... but every once in awhile i take the easy way out and give him chicken nuggets or french fries... the only people who will know are the ones who are also in mcdonalds.. and i am sure they wont judge me

the bucket seat things kills me.. why would i wake a sleeping baby up to put him in a sling? the only reason i can think of is b/c you are worried about what other people will think if you don't.

basically i think there is a time and a place for things and moderation is key.
Again, 1littlebit, you have hit the nail right on the head! Bravo! It is already so easy to feel as though we as people don't measure up but if someone says "Well, that is just not right.." my answer is "According to whom"?

Wife to DH who worshipsbow.gif me (code for tolerates me) (2001), mom of one DDsleepytime.gif (April 2002) and one DDfly-by-nursing1.gif who arrived forcefully (Sept 2009) Caretaker of Boogie the cat and fish/reef hobbyist. Just tryin' to maintain...banghead.gifteapot2.GIF In major need of...grouphug.gif

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