Need to vent. How do the other "weirdos" handle this daily? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 07:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just need to get this off my chest before I implode.
Natural parenting was never a big task for me, nor did I really have to get super duper educated. I've always thought it was natural to well.....BE natural. Now that I have given birth naturally and am raising my son based on my mama instincts, I find myself having to bite my tongue a lot or be prepared to defend my views. It is so tempting to "educate" others, but the misconceptions about childbirth and parenting are so rampant that it seems futile and intrusive... I was talking to a family friend earlier today and her DIL is expecting. She said she's getting induced on Monday and I casually asked how come, since it was quite natural for the first pregnancy to go over. She'd answered, "I guess that's a perk of being a physician!"
This woman had delivered all three of her own kids via c-section.
On the radio today heard a commercial from the city health dept. obviously targeting uneducated mothers trying to scare them. Do you know that 2 babies die a week in YOUR neighborhood because they sleep with an adult? NEVER sleep with your baby! And I instantly feel like I have to cover up my co-sleeping for fear of this extreme judgment....
Why am I some kind of freak for thinking that things should be natural? Should I even attempt to get along with the rest of the world or am I permanently a weirdo???

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#2 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 07:10 PM
 
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Nope. It's our job to CHANGE the world.

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#3 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 07:12 PM
 
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s i am so sorry you are feeling this way!

ifs always funny to me that i dont judge their point of view, but man mine is always looked down upon! crazy how that lovely double standard works

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#4 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 07:28 PM
 
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Maintain your weirdness. Don't bother trying to change anyone else's POV unless they ask. Unsolicited advice is rarely appreciated. Think about how many times you've appreciated someone giving you unsolicited well-meaning advice about how this or that would be so much easier with your child(ren) if you'd, say, just let them CIO. I'll take guess it was never.

I used to drive myself crazy wanting to educate everyone about the "best" way to do things. After years of getting nowhere except more and more frustrated I finally realized that my way is not always the best way for everyone else. Now I just try to educate by example and sometimes I'll casually mention something about still breastfeeding my ds at 2yo or co-sleeping or not spanking. I like to whip out my sling when everyone else is going for their strollers. That sort of thing. Then, if someone asks me a question about something I do, I tell them. Otherwise, I just keep advice to myself.

Recently, I've gottent questions and comments about what kind of pill I give my kids at home that makes them so helpful. I tell people I don't force them to be helpful. They are much more likely to help if they choose to rather than being coerced or forced to do it. I'm not sure they believe me but that at least give them something to think about.

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#5 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 08:21 PM
 
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Just keep doing what you're doing! Ignore anyone who disagrees with or ridicules your choices. Talk honestly to anyone who's interested in them. You never know what kind of quiet impact you can have on someone...
But I've found it's useless to try to actively "convert." Everyone has their reasons and experiences that have brought them to make the decisions they do, for better or worse.

And when the "mainstream" world gets you down, come vent at MDC!
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#6 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 08:41 PM
 
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You know the best for your baby. Don't worry about anyone else.
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#7 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 09:24 PM
 
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Hugs to you. The health dept thing really got to me. I wonder how many Cats and dogs have died in YOUR neighborhood because of sleeping with adults! Maybe some education is needed, ie letter to dept, radio station, newspaper editor? I,m glad your natural momma instincts are alive and well.:
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#8 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 09:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
Maintain your weirdness. Don't bother trying to change anyone else's POV unless they ask. Unsolicited advice is rarely appreciated. Think about how many times you've appreciated someone giving you unsolicited well-meaning advice about how this or that would be so much easier with your child(ren) if you'd, say, just let them CIO. I'll take guess it was never.
This is so true! A very good point.

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#9 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 09:38 PM
 
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if people feel compelled to give me their opinions or advice i ask them why. not why they are speaking to me (though sometimes this is tempting) why they think i should do w/e it is they are telling me to do. apparently this can be construed as rude and attacking but personally i think it is only fair for them to explain why they think i should do w/e it is they are telling me to do. you'd be amazed at how many people haven't the slightest idea why you should do something the most common answer i receive is "why? b/c thats just what you do" really? good to know.


fwiw i think (well actually i know) there is a difference between people who are fat and healthy b/c they are not built to be rail thin. marilyn monroe was a size 14 i think most people would agree that she was not fat. there are people who are fat and unhealthy... and this is more common in the US than fat and healthy b/c we have an unhealthy relationship with food. this generation also has body image issues so the two things combined mean that people are obssessed with being thin... and think that all fat is bad.. thus anyone who is not thin must be unhealthy... this is not true... many larger women are probably in better health then their rail thin counter parts.
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#10 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 10:06 PM
 
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Why I thought it would be any different with a midwife, I don't know, but the look of shock after she ran all the tests and told me I was, "The healthiest woman she knows...." almost made me cry.
Was she a CNM? That wouldn't surprise me because, if she is, she's a nurse first (which equals medical/disease oriented training) and then a midwife, hence medwife. I wouldn't consider most CNMs any more knowledgeable about normal healthiness than a nurse or doctor.

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#11 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 10:08 PM
 
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Was she a CNM? That wouldn't surprise me because, if she is, she's a nurse first (which equals medical/disease oriented training) and then a midwife, hence medwife. I wouldn't consider most CNMs any more knowledgeable about normal healthiness than a nurse or doctor.
: it was a cnm who lied to me for 4 months before sending me off to c section land. so i not only have OB issues i have CNM issues to...for my next pregnancy i am going to have to use a direct entry midwife or i'll never be able to trust her.
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#12 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 10:29 PM
 
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#13 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 10:30 PM
 
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Keep gettin' your weird on.

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#14 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 10:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow! Thanks, weirdees! This made me feel pretty good. Where I am, I might as well have two heads too! *sigh* the midwest..... Oddly enough, I like the discussion that stemmed from the response to my post re: weight issues. I, by the way, am a size 14 beautiful healthy, active, natural mama, so I am always stirred by discussion of what is perceived to be healthy or beautiful by different groups. And I think this discussion goes to show that even within the natural mothering community, there are still differences in perception and judgements are still passed if not for one reason then for another! *sigh again* When will we see the bigger picture? But really, I feel better. Thanks for letting me vent. I think the radio commercial sent me over the edge. I was about to call their "information line" but I am afraid I will say some very very very nasty things and get some kind of government-funded hitman on my butt...

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#15 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 10:44 PM
 
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Oh, I TOTALLY know how you feel. I experience the same things!!
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#16 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 10:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Beene View Post
And I think this discussion goes to show that even within the natural mothering community, there are still differences in perception and judgements are still passed if not for one reason then for another! *sigh again* When will we see the bigger picture?
That's why I think it's so important to assume everyone is doing the best they can with the information and resources available to them. That way we are less likely to judge or take things they say or do personally.

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I was about to call their "information line" but I am afraid I will say some very very very nasty things and get some kind of government-funded hitman on my butt...
How about sending an anonymous letter with some documentation showing how safe deliberate co-sleeping is since most of those incidents where a baby dies is because someone passed out with baby on the couch rather than carefully thought out deliberate co-sleeping.

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#17 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 10:48 PM
 
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How about sending an anonymous letter with some documentation showing how safe deliberate co-sleeping is since most of those incidents where a baby dies is because someone passed out with baby on the couch rather than carefully thought out deliberate co-sleeping.
this happened to someone in one of my infant development classes in college. do they really consider it co sleeping? b/c in a room full of family studies majors (except me.. i was there for the infant part since i was pg) no one considered that co sleeping.
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#18 of 30 Old 06-17-2009, 11:28 PM
 
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i was going to say the same exact thing about co-sleeping safely rather than just passing out with a kid in an unsafe place! those numbers HAVE to be wrong... i love the co-sleeping safety pamphlets my ped passes out. they have detailed info about how to safely co-sleep and also what you might be doing wrong if you're currently co-sleeping. it has the obligatory "higher risk of infant death, according to the AAP" but the rest of the pamphlet is pretty awesome. there are alot of parents who are misinformed about co-sleeping. it be nice to see some REAL VALID info going around instead of propaganda. there's a LOT of info out there, but its not easy to access for new parents if they don't already kind of know where to look. it be awesome to see some "co-sleep with your baby for an amazing nighttime bond! see xyz.com for safety guidlines" billboards.

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#19 of 30 Old 06-18-2009, 01:14 AM
 
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Our society has lost it's way, and it's soul. Many of us are struggling. Some of the by products have been numbing ourselves with food, things, etc. We don't need to lable people dumb, mean and greedy because they are caught in the trap of mainstream society.
I just have to vehemently disagree with this.

Sure, we're not perfect, but we're making such huge strides! We have a black president! People are generally not allowed to beat their children with sticks anymore! Children don't die or become disfigured when they get Strep throat! Everyone has access to cheap, reliable communication! Hunger has pretty much been eradicated in the U.S.! Sure, we've replaced it with something else, but when the pendulum swings, it tends to swing a little too far.

It's just so frustrating to me when people take this hangdog attitude about our country and society, that we are just going to hell in handbasket. Would you really like to go back in time and live in America before it "lost its way?" When exactly would that be?!?

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#20 of 30 Old 06-18-2009, 02:10 AM
 
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I just have to vehemently disagree with this.

Sure, we're not perfect, but we're making such huge strides! We have a black president! People are generally not allowed to beat their children with sticks anymore! Children don't die or become disfigured when they get Strep throat! Everyone has access to cheap, reliable communication! Hunger has pretty much been eradicated in the U.S.! Sure, we've replaced it with something else, but when the pendulum swings, it tends to swing a little too far.

It's just so frustrating to me when people take this hangdog attitude about our country and society, that we are just going to hell in handbasket. Would you really like to go back in time and live in America before it "lost its way?" When exactly would that be?!?
It all depends on your perspective. You can see those as "huge strides" or as baby steps (considering the amount of time needed for some of those things to get done.)

I'm rewiring myself to be a glass half full person, so I'm with you, but I can see the other side.

I got VeezieTG's sentiment, although your delivery could use some work. For example replace "fat" with "an unhealthy attitude about food" and we might be on our way.

Unfortunately, you have a point. American society is a consumer driven one, if the economic downturn has done anything, it's emphasized this. We are a culture that is built on stuff and the gaining of more stuff. Everything is disposable, things become obsolete in a short span, people are marketed to practically from birth.

Also, the majority of Americans do not value their own ability to research, they do not thirst for knowledge. They fall victim to many errors such as just trusting your doctor/preacher/elected official/etc knows everything and blindly following their advice.

The majority of Americans engage in abusive behaviors. We are still a country that supports corporeal punishment in schools (where it is still legal in many states) and most parents have no qualms about hitting a child or leaving them in a locked room to cry themselves to sleep alone.

Also unfortunately we are an unhealthy nation that is a bit too much in love with unhealthy foods. We have made good progress here, but it's still an issue and one that needs to be fixed.

How we can be the change we want to see involves learning how to speak to those who are different from us in a way that is not offensive.

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#21 of 30 Old 06-18-2009, 09:46 AM
 
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this happened to someone in one of my infant development classes in college. do they really consider it co sleeping? b/c in a room full of family studies majors (except me.. i was there for the infant part since i was pg) no one considered that co sleeping.
I haven't heard the ad, but the way the OP presented it, it didn't mention "co-sleeping" in the way most of us on here know it. It said don't ever sleep with your children because children die that way. It may well be that in a poverty stricken area, people deliberating sleep with their babies because they don't have the room or resources to sleep any other way. So, those #s may represent babies who have died while sleeping in an adult bed.

Yes, I think for the purposes of those types of scare-tactic adds, they consider any kind of sleeping with a baby as bad. It's the crib manufacturers and sellers/marketers who support those adds. They want it to seem as if having a baby sleep any other way than in a crib with bars is dangerous. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who won't go any further than that. They hear it as a "public service announcement" from a government agency and assume it must be true and follow it. (I have a feeling a room full of family studies college students would have more resources available to them to look into the issue a bit more than the people that ad was targeted toward.)

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#22 of 30 Old 06-18-2009, 10:09 AM
 
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You know, I still don't understand why the "juvenile products manufacturers" don't make a king-sized crib! Just think about it- instead of selling $300 cribs, they could start selling $1000 "family beds"! I am truly, honestly surprised that they're not going all out about "safe co sleeping" and implying that you need tons of specialized equipment to do so safely.

I think it's pretty obvious that the anti co-sleeping people are twisting around the numbers. It probably is true that 2-3 babies die per week, in adult beds, within a certain geographical area. Whether or not you'd necessarily call the whole area "your neighborhood" is up for debate. Nor is it clear that those babies died BECAUSE they were in adult beds. Most of them probably died from medical problems (that the parents and medical providers were aware of, or that were completely undiagnosed), and would have died no matter where they were sleeping. Some may have been victims of child abuse. The point is, you can't say that being in an adult bed caused those deaths, just because the deaths occurred in adult beds.

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#23 of 30 Old 06-18-2009, 10:09 AM
 
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For the OP- you really aren't weird. Most people in the world do sleep with their babies. The radio commercial reallllly sucks- Seriously, if two babies a week died in a neighborhood from cosleeping you'd know it. So would I, so would the rest of the world. I can't believe they can get away with rampant lying. Where I live (eastern NC- not exactly a liberal haven) I guess one could say I am more extreme about some things- I breastfeed longer, cosleep longer, baby wear with more unusual carriers, and the like but I've noticed that most parents do these things to some degree. There is a Csection-happy OB in town and even the most "mainstream" epidural loving women in our community are beginning to avoid him because of his track record. They're putting together the high instances of unnecessary inductions and subsequent cesareans. Only those who know in advance they need cesareans are going to him- because he is very good at it! I hope that changes such as these do happen in other communities. I think they are, but for some reason it seems spankers are more vocal about their position, so are those who circumcise and the like...

As far as being "fat " is concerned. It took me a long time to realize that fat is not the opposite of healthy- seriously probably until 2006. I am 100 lbs which is about target for my height perhaps a bit underweight but not much. I am the most unhealthy person ever. I eat poorly, get winded after jogging two blocks, etc. If I didn't have a fast metabolism I know I'd be fat and people would correctly assume I am unhealthy. Instead, I am skinny and they incorrectly assume I am healthy. The healthiest person I know is actually one of the largest. It isn't really fair to her that she has to endure such cruel judgment from society who thinks she must have some awful character flaw to have let herself get so big. It's just the way she is built.

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#24 of 30 Old 06-18-2009, 10:48 AM
 
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I didn't read all the posts because they seemed to be getting off topic.

Anyways, I say Rock the Wierd!!!
I just bought a sticker for my van that says Focus On Your Own D*** Family lol

I just try not to talk about my parenting "philosophies" and only answer questions when asked. I would be a hypocrit to judge or even have discussions with most parents about thier philosophies, so I just don't. I think we all do the best we can/know how.
I don't give up friends for thier differences in parenting, and they all just know I'm the "wierd" mama they know! lol

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#25 of 30 Old 06-18-2009, 11:06 AM
 
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I think it's pretty obvious that the anti co-sleeping people are twisting around the numbers. It probably is true that 2-3 babies die per week, in adult beds, within a certain geographical area. Whether or not you'd necessarily call the whole area "your neighborhood" is up for debate. Nor is it clear that those babies died BECAUSE they were in adult beds. Most of them probably died from medical problems (that the parents and medical providers were aware of, or that were completely undiagnosed), and would have died no matter where they were sleeping. Some may have been victims of child abuse. The point is, you can't say that being in an adult bed caused those deaths, just because the deaths occurred in adult beds.
Very good point!

Evergreen ~ I'm in eastern NC, too. I'm now curious whether or not I'm thinking of the right OB. Of course, eastern NC is a pretty big area. You can PM with the answer if you'd like. There are two OBs in my town that I tell everyone to avoid like the plague.

I'm definitely a weirdo in the military community. Homebirth : co-sleep on purpose no spanking unschooling , etc., etc. I've gotten to the point where it's kind of fun being the weirdo, although sometimes it can feel very isolating.

I called TriCare, the military medical insurance company, recently to ask some questions about CPMs and home birth. It took a while to even get someone who knew what I was talking about. They never could answer the CPM question. Apparently, the people didn't know what one was or how they are different from CNMs.

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#26 of 30 Old 06-18-2009, 11:11 AM
 
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OP, I hate ads like that. They were playing horrible TV ads like that around here when DD was a babe. Grrrr.

I'm the local weird one around here. Nowadays I just do my thing and if someone asks questions, fine, but I don't really bring up parenting choices unless asked. My two best mama friends are *very* different from me in terms of parenting philosophies, but we basically just respect each others' differences. I have noticed that breastfeeding and gentle discipline seem to be contagious, though!

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Originally Posted by VeezieTG View Post
i was going to say the same exact thing about co-sleeping safely rather than just passing out with a kid in an unsafe place! those numbers HAVE to be wrong... i love the co-sleeping safety pamphlets my ped passes out. they have detailed info about how to safely co-sleep and also what you might be doing wrong if you're currently co-sleeping. it has the obligatory "higher risk of infant death, according to the AAP" but the rest of the pamphlet is pretty awesome. there are alot of parents who are misinformed about co-sleeping. it be nice to see some REAL VALID info going around instead of propaganda. there's a LOT of info out there, but its not easy to access for new parents if they don't already kind of know where to look. it be awesome to see some "co-sleep with your baby for an amazing nighttime bond! see xyz.com for safety guidlines" billboards.
Wow...that's awesome that your ped passes those out! And I thought our doc was awesome for having basically a 'don't ask/ don't tell' policy re: co-sleeping. I work in healthcare, and I've always wished we had something like this to pass out- most people co-sleep at least now and then, whether they admit it or not, may as well give them truthful info, rather than making people feel like they have to hide it.


And on the body size thing, I was a size 6 at age 20, but I'm much healthier now at a size 12-14. Back then I ate almost all processed, fatty foods out of a box, and never exercised. Then at 21 my adult metabolism kicked in and now I am having to work pretty hard to get back down to a better weight, in spite of eating much healthier now, having a decent amount of muscle, better physical endurance, etc.

“War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.”
― George Orwell, 1984
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#27 of 30 Old 06-18-2009, 11:28 AM
 
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While I am still pregnant with my first, I definitely know what you are experiencing. I hear folks spouting what they think are "facts" about pregnancy, childbirth, etc. and it makes me cringe. I try to gently point them to better information, but a lot of times it feels like a lost cause before you even try, but I figure I didn't learn everything I know overnight either and I still am learning a lot. I saw forum posts or heard comments here and there and it got me curious enough to research for myself, so I hope that maybe one of my friendly comments or posts helps someone else do the same. That's my goal I guess, to be a reasonable voice of dissent that makes people think a bit more than they would otherwise. I have been that on non-child related issues all my life as I am definitely a bit weird

Katie trekkie.gif - Married to Mike 06/02/01, Mom to Sydney Anne born 11/21/09 and Alice Maeryn & Oliver Thomas born 04/24/13  hug.gif 

 

 

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#28 of 30 Old 06-18-2009, 11:37 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by major_mama11 View Post
I have noticed that breastfeeding and gentle discipline seem to be contagious, though! .
These are two diseases I'm totally down with spreading EVERYWHERE. I love this quote!

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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#29 of 30 Old 06-18-2009, 11:26 PM
 
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I have removed a number of posts that were insulting to indiduals or groups OR directly referenced posts that were.

If you have any questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to contact me. Also remember that the "report" button is your friend--- instead of calling out someone via a post, please let a moderator know.

Thanks!

 

 

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#30 of 30 Old 06-19-2009, 09:13 AM
 
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When it comes to parenting, when your kids are little you do a lot of defending if you choose a different path than the majority. Give it a few years though and the tide turns. I have had countless people stop me in stores, restaurants, the library etc. to tell me how great my kids are and "what is your secret?" is something I hear all the time. Sometimes defending yourself seems like your only recourse, but truly the evidence of good parenting is right there with you - the kids themselves. Your kids are still young, just hold on a little longer and you'll be the momma everyone envies because your kids are wonderful.
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