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#61 of 97 Old 07-16-2009, 12:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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And it's really hard NOT to take his tone into account when he is talking, because its not so uch that im reading his tone of voice as it is that he is flashing big red and yellow signs saying "LOOK AT ME. IM ANNOYED. IM MAD. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I MEAN RIGHT NOW AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW IT EVEN THOUGH IM GOING TO DENY IT!" like you REALLY can't ignore his tone. He wont let you. and when you manage to, then he gets even more mad at you for ignoring his obvious "hint". can't win. It's one thing to say, when looking at dialog, oh just say it this way, but when you are there in the moment its hard to detach yourself that far emotionally... in fact, if I did that I think it would come across as creepy and trying to kill him with kindness, which would really does just piss him off more.

He is honestly nice to me only long enough to ask me for a coffee (gives me a big cheesy smile hold out his coffee sup, and says in a silly voice "cofee pleeeeeeeeeeeese hunny?!", and then immediately turns on me if I ever say no to getting him one, which I almost never do because its really cute when he asks like that, how could I say no? but sometimes I can't do it fast enough and he makes a big production out of going to make it himself.
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#62 of 97 Old 07-16-2009, 01:13 AM
 
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and the reason why I dont do it this way:

Me: want to order dinner?
him: sure what do you want.
Me: I'd like Chinese food or cheesesteaks. Either one. Or maybe you have another idea.
Him: whatever you want.
Me: okay, I want Chinese. Here is what I want.

several days later:

Me: any ideas what you;d like for dinner
Him: why do you even bother asking? you don't care what I like anyway. You don't like anything I like.
at that point I would say cheerfully without accusing "I asked you what you wanted, you told me to choose. would you like to choose this time?" eventually he will grow up. and if he doesn't at least you will have tried everything.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#63 of 97 Old 07-16-2009, 07:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks I will try that next time. Maybe sometimes I just try too hard to be nice.
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#64 of 97 Old 07-16-2009, 01:01 PM
 
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Maybe he's not abusive but in some of your examples he is acting abusively. I read your whole dinner conversation and knew before you came back and clarified that he plays the game with you, the one you can't win (typical abuser game btw). It could be that he's depressed and that's turned him into a verbally/emotionally abusive person but if he's not willing to get help what options do you have, what can you live with?

www.drirene.com

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#65 of 97 Old 07-16-2009, 03:39 PM
 
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My DH was not entirely comfortable with our children when they were babies, so I took on more responsibilities then in caring for them. But I also made a point to include him when I was playing with them so he could see how to do it. I wanted to be sure he was a capable person to care for them if I wasn't available. I remember us all sitting on the floor rolling a ball back and forth. We also played with a train set or cars and trucks. he needed to learn how to play with little ones - he had no idea how to do that on his own. Maybe you could help your DH figure out how to interact with your children. It sounds like the only thing he really knows how to do when you ask for help is to isolate the children. Which kind of helps you, but not really the way you want. He may not know how to interact with the children, so he takes the easy way out.

My DH is great with the kids now that they're older. It's been fun to see that relationship develop.

Leslie, Mommy to DS(8) and DD(almost 6) :

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#66 of 97 Old 07-16-2009, 03:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe he's not abusive but in some of your examples he is acting abusively. I read your whole dinner conversation and knew before you came back and clarified that he plays the game with you, the one you can't win (typical abuser game btw). It could be that he's depressed and that's turned him into a verbally/emotionally abusive person but if he's not willing to get help what options do you have, what can you live with?

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thank you for understanding. I do agree it is emotionally abusive at times, though I dont think he does it intentionally - so more about how I'm affected not something he tried to do to me. And thats just it, I need to figure out where I draw line (which is hopefully on the side that ISNT hurtful towards me) I think he just has no people skills, which he admits, but instead of using that as a sign he needs to change he uses it as an excuse that I should accept it the way it is.
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#67 of 97 Old 07-16-2009, 03:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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btw, it's a very clever situation at times, because even when *I* explain what happens it makes me sound like the bad guy. Imagine when I'm trying to work with him. I've tried focusing on what I do wrong only - but then it just gets turned into YEA thats what you do wrong and IM so perfect. (he doesn't say that, but thats what happens) he doesn't see me changing nd feel inspired to do the same.
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#68 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 01:05 PM
 
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mommysarah---First, please let me apologize. In no way was my response an "attack", and I am sorry if it came out that way. I was just being honest and trying to get a grip of the situation to be able to "help" as best as possible.

I still think the money is the main issue here, and I find it interesting that you only touch on that topic briefly. Your main beef is his tone of voice, impatience, bad attitude...........if I just had a car repossessed and spent $5,000 in savings, I'd have a bad attitude too!! Are you at all concerned about your financial situation? You don't seem to be.

Overwhelming stress over finances can certainly cause depression and bad moods, which end up being manifested as anger, impatience, bad tone of voice, etc. YOU need to find out what the underlying cause of all this is. Perhaps if you showed an interest and concern about resolving the financial issues his attitude would change. Working together instead of bailing out will do a world of good----because I think you two have a long history, and that shouldn't be thrown away willy-nilly. You admit that your initial post was a lot of emotional grief, and once you calmed down you could think better. That happens with everybody. I have a feeling that you get upset quickly as well, and then you and your husband feed off of each other, so to speak. I notice an antagonizing and passive-aggressive nature about your remarks to him, and they are confusing as well----you can't yell for help and then say you can do it and it is cool. You either need help or you don't! Going back and forth, tit-for-tat, is enough to drive anybody crazy-----and your argument over Chinese food or cheesesteaks was ridiculous. Be assertive, make a decision and stick to it----don't be upset if you keep lobbing the ball back in his court and he is apathetic about the whole thing. (What I couldn't believe, actually, is that you were ordering out at all, based on your financial situation. If you are having cars repossessed and spending thousands in savings, you should not be eating out and/or ordering in!! You should be SAVING MONEY!!) When you give him a choice, say something like "Do you want chicken or spaghetti for dinner?", not "Any idea what you'd like for dinner?" Even I find some of your remarks confusing, and that is just from your descriptions of the situations.

I also think you are feeling lonely and cooped up. You need to find some friends so you can get out of the house---whether that be through finding some groups to meet with regarding your children(you mentioned you had a child with special needs), or finding some people to hang out with who share some of your interests---but, interests that are not SHOPPING. Again----I think that getting a job would be a GREAT thing: You would be getting away from the 24/7 housewife/ child-care thing, and doing something that will give you some autonomy and feelings of productivity. I sense that you don't want to work based on your statements of having medical problems and still nursing your youngest child----in my opinion, saving your marriage and keeping your family together by lightening the financial load on your husband is the most important thing. Lots of women who are still nursing work out of the home and they make it work. But---you have to show some initiative and motivation to actively want to contribute and make things better, instead of running away and bailing out. You definitely have a major part in the financial demise situation, with your addiction to shopping and overspending, and then having your bank account closed and hurting your credit situation. In your response regarding your bank account being closed and reported 5 years ago, and that "they aren't supposed to do that over such a small amount of money and that short of a period of time...."----ANY creditor can report a one dollar payment that is one day late!! There is no rule or law about that!! And of course, if you overdrew an account $30 or $40 for 2 months, they are going to close the account and report you to ChexSystems and you aren't going to be able to open another account because you are a credit risk to the bank and banks don't like to lose money. They view that as a default, to not put that money back immediately and bring your account into a positive standing. For $30 or $40, I would have begged, borrowed and stolen to get that money and get your account back into a positive status! You are blaming the bank for something that YOU did!! They didn't do anything wrong by closing your account and reporting to ChexSystems---I am sure if you read about the rules and regulations of having an account, you would find this written in there. (Is there a pattern being formed here? I did notice that in one of your posts that you said that you had talked to him about things, and he did some "blaming" on you.....Did you "blame" him? I suspect you did. Blaming someone else takes the burden off the "blamer" and relinquishes responsibility of having any contribution to the situation.) Unless you have overdraft coverage (which you aren't going to have if your credit is crappy), overdrawing an account is a MAJOR bad sign to a bank. You have shown your irresponsibility with money and creditors don't like that----and, it sounds like your husband doesn't like it either if your name isn't on a joint bank account!! Apparently, he doesn't want to co-sign or guarantee an account with your name on it, because he can't trust you with money and because he doesn't want his credit ruined, which is totally understandable. Your thing now should be showing him (and banks and creditors) that you are willing and motivated to MAKE money and BE RESPONSIBLE with it!! As a "friend", I would NEVER open an account for any of my friends unless they could show me their credit reports, so I could see if they have defaulted on anything and the chances I was going to get "stuck" with any negative balances or overdraws. (Then again, if their credit was good, I wouldn't need to open an account for them...) What you should do is get a job, and then get a secured credit card that reports to the big 3 credit reporting agencies to work on your credit. You put however much money you want into the credit card, and it works like a debit card---it is not a "credit" card, because it is using youe money that has already been deposited, or "secured". You should forget about asking a friend to open an account---you should concentrate on getting an account opened in your own name. If it has been 5 years, go to a bank and see if you can open an account----and BE HONEST!! People like it when you are honest instead of hiding things and not being upfront. If you tell the person you are talking to that you made some mistakes in your past with an account, but it has been 5 years and you really want to open an account, they have "ways" of bypassing the rules. Bank managers can over-ride a "rule" and help you out, but you have to be honest with them---don't let them do a credit check and find out that you defaulted on something and make yourself look like a liar and credit risk. Let them know you accept responsibility for your past actions which resulted in negative action from the bank---DO NOT BLAME THE BANK FOR CLOSING YOUR ACCOUNT AND REPORTING YOU TO CHEXSYSTEMS!! You will not only look like a fool, because they can look into it and find out exactly what happened, but they won't trust you and they'll see you only as a risk. Also---avoid the "big" banks---Chase, Bank of America, etc.--and try a smaller, regional bank. They often aren't as strict and as stringent as the larger banks. Plus---nowadays, the big banks are in serious trouble and won't want one iota of risk to be "signed up". Banks WANT to open up accounts for clients---they want more customers, this way they are able to get more money to use. Try opening a savings account as well---banks look more favorably on people who have savings accounts and they see that you make deposits regualrly and that you leave that money in there. Even if you deposited $20 a week, it will make you look better. But---the idea is that you have to deposit the money and LEAVE IT THERE!!! Don't deposit $100 in a month and then withdraw $99 on the 30th of the month to buy a pair of shoes........

If you got a job, of course your husband is going to want you to contribute toward the household expense---and, quite frankly, isn't that fair? You make it sound like if you worked and made money that he is the bad guy for expecting you to give him the money to help pay the bills......Why should he work his ass off, carry the load, and then let you pocket all the money you make? If he would expect you to give him money toward the expenses, it sounds like he WANTS you to get a job. Showing a serious interest in the financial situation, and a willingness to WORK TOGETHER to resolve it, would go a lot further in improving the relationship than complaining that he has a bad tone in his voice or that he is impatient or that he doesn't spend time with the kids. How many hours a day or a week does he work? I can't remember if you said he works at home----but I do remember you saying you thought about getting a job for the opposite shift that he works. You say he has 3 days off a week----so I suspect he work 10-hour days. Could you get a job 2 days a week, part-time, and have him watch the kids, leaving one day for you to spend as a famly? And, just because he "doesn't like" watching the kids, tough s**t---he'll have to get used to it!! Sitting down with him expressing your interest and motivation to make a budget and stick with it would probably make him feel a whole lot better too. Keep a record of every single dime that goes out every day, every week, every month. Keep a record of what your income is. Work out a budget that is acceptable for both of you----and, for right now, make that budget TIGHT, TIGHT, TIGHT. Don't go blowing money that you don't have, on stuff you don't need or don't need to do. Look for sales in the grocery store and use coupons. There are lots of "free" activities that you can find to do with the family---there are coupons everywhere for free admissions and/or discounts for the circus, movies, zoo, etc. A park is free. Playing outside is free. A Blockbuster night is relatively inexpensive. Every dollar counts!

There is A LOT of information that I don't know, so it is hard to "advise". For example----if your husband is working double shifts and juggling to get the bills paid and is the sole person taking care of the finances, it is absolutely understandable that he would be cranky. Why doesn't he like watching the kids? Does he work nights and needs to sleep during the day, but can't because you are going out to lunch with your friends? You say that he "works so much". Is he simply exhausted? I don't have to tell you that when we are exhausted, our patience is shot, we get cranky and nasty and all we want to do is sleep and not be exhausted. Many times, it gets taken out on the people around us---and, it is not meant to be, but it is. Another question I have is: What was his feeling about your youngest child being born? Was it a planned pregnancy, or a surprise? A newborn/infant exhausts you, between round-the-clock feedings, crying, colic, teething, etc. etc. etc.

You want him to be nicer. And, I bet he wants you to stop spending money. I am certainly recognize that taking care of 3 very young children and a house is not a difficult job, because it is. However, I think you are "babied-out". You are becoming overly critical, and are looking to your husband to meet all your needs---and he can't do that because he is exhausted from working so much. We cannot expect another human being to meet ALL our needs---we have to work on meeting them ourselves in order to be happy. If you had other things to focus on, such as your own job, your own friends, your own interests, you probably wouldn't be so bothered by your husband's actions, and you may very well be a bit more understanding about what he is going through. I suspect that you really have no idea about what the REAL financial situation in your house is----and if he is carrying that load himself, that is enough to kill somebody with the stress. The nap situation reminds me of someone who is going through Chinese water torture---wanting to take a nap, being exhausted, and not being able to sleep because the kids are being noisy is terrible---it would cause aggravation that just goes up and up and up, and makes him think that you do not care about him because if you did, you would keep the kids quiet. You say that you were outside "half of the time"---just because you were outside doesn't mean you were being quiet. And, yes, there are toys that make certain noises that can drive a person batty!! Should he have throw it through the window? Absolutely not. And of course something like that would scare the kids----but you know what? They'll get over it!! An explanation and apology for throwing the toy through the window should suffice for them. It sounds to me like he has reached the end of his rope---put yourself in his shoes. If it were you, what you would want/need to make you feel better?

He has a past history of alcohol abuse and infidelity. Why do you suppose he was drinking? Why do you suppose he was unfaithful to you? What was he mad at? What happened after that whole thing? I am not condoning anything---but I believe there are underlying issues here that need to be revealed and dealt with ON BOTH YOUR PARTS. You stayed with him during these times---but what about times that he may have "stayed with you" when he didn't want to? Perhaps during the spending sprees where you spent all the money? Do you think the fact that he can't trust you with money is contributing to the stress that he is feeling? There is definitely something wrong when he cheats on you on your son's 1st birthday. You guys are skating on top of thin ice---with a sea of issues under that thin ice that, sounds like, have never been truly dealt with and there has been no "closure" of those issues. Those issues need to be put to rest, and not resurfacing in other places where the ice has cracked. Don't overwhelm yourselves either. Address one issue at a time---don't lay out a laundry list to each other and expect the other person to work on all those things at once. One thing at a time----baby steps. I am sure that you have just as much that needs working on as he does. Plus--you want your kids to grow up being honest with you, not pointing fingers and blaming others for their problems, being able to talk to you and communicate with you when they need help or support, and you certainly don't want ot teach them that it is okay to run away from their problems and/or abandon the people they love for dumb reasons. Don't you want to teach them how to be part of a team, how to watch each other's backs and be there when somebody asks for help? I'm sure you do.

You have a certain sense of "security" with him, because he is making the money that enables you to stay at home and feed yourself and your children. He has a sense of security because you are at home, cleaning the house and doing his laundry and taking care of the kids. But, deep down, you don't trust each other.

What do you think you identify most with as a woman? For example--being a mother, being a wife, or something else? A lot of women, when they have children, lose the ability to be the woman they were before----all they see themselves as is a mother and forget that they have a husband and in a lot of cases, a career. Their husbands feel that they have "lost" the woman they fell in love with, and constantly talking about diapers, naps, nursing, carseats, school, etc., is more than they can take, sometimes. There has to be balance in your life---that is why you cannot rely on your husband to meet ALL your needs. You have to identify what your needs are, and then think about ways you can get them met. And, don't say your husband just needs to be nice and everything will be fine. There is a lot more to it than that---but you have to find the time to sit down for a period of time and COMMUNICATE with your husband. You can't have a 2-minute conversation and expect everything to be solved. You have to either put the kids down for a nap, or have somebody watch them so you can have UNINTERRUPTED time with your husband to COMMUNICATE about what is going on and why he is so unhappy and why you are so unhappy---and not when both of you are already exhausted and would rather sleep for 4 hours than talk. Both of you should write things down---like what your needs are, what the other person is doing (or not doing) that is driving you crazy, what you both need to make you happier and bring the stress level down. You should endeavor to do this at least twice a month, preferably once a week, and "check in" with each other and record your progress. No kids, a quiet house and you and your husband sitting across from each other truly COMMUNICATING!!! Both of you, most likely, have a laundry list of stuff to talk about. Once stuff is laid out on the table for both of you to see, you can being to tackle things. Marriage and relationships are a lot of work on both sides---people get complacent, people fall into bad habits, and they become apathetic. You will not get anywhere if you are getting into fights over if you want Chinese or cheesesteaks for dinner...........plus, that isn't even the issue. There is a REASON that you two are fighting over stupid stuff over and over again. Get to the bottom of it.

One more question that begs to be asked----If you moved out of state (which you admit was not his fault---whatever that is about I don't know, but you side-step that issue which could be one of the underlying problems) and 95% of your problems went away, then why did you go back? I doubt that anybody drives away from a tornado in their town toward safety right into a tornado in the next town over. And, what "problems" can go away just with an interstate move? And how long did you stay away before you went back? I'm just curious.

Again, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't take this as an attack. If you went to see a counselor, any psychologist worth their salt would be direct and address the issues---which is what I am trying to do, just be direct and address the issues. I don't pussyfoot around and I say it as I see it. Some like that, some don't. At work, they love it because everybody knows where they stand with me, and nobody has to wonder what's going on. Trust me--they know. And we have an excellent working relationship. Do you know why? Because I COMMUNICATE with them. I don't yell, I don't throw stuff, I don't intimidate them in front of their co-workers. If I have a problem, I let them know face-to-face and in private. This gives them the opportunity to think about it and make whatever changes are necessary. The same should hold true in personal life too.
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#69 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 03:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I still think the money is the main issue here, and I find it interesting that you only touch on that topic briefly. Your main beef is his tone of voice, impatience, bad attitude...........if I just had a car repossessed and spent $5,000 in savings, I'd have a bad attitude too!! Are you at all concerned about your financial situation? You don't seem to be.
if this was ONLY an issue during times of financial stress then I would understand that. No, im not concerned with our financial situation, because 1) we always come out on top 2) he is freaking out and one of us needs to stay level headed about the situation. He CHOSE not to pay the car, wanting to use the money for other things, thinking he could just "catch up" in a few months. It was foolish on his part.

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YOU need to find out what the underlying cause of all this is.
I WANT to find out. but I don't think it's really MY responsibility to find out what is wrong with someone else.

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Perhaps if you showed an interest and concern about resolving the financial issues his attitude would change.
you mean saying things like "You must be really stressed about work being so slow lately. I have some ideas for ways to keep the bills down I'll start working on. Let me know if there is anything I can do."

because that's the kind of stuff I say. and then regret saying because he gets upset about me bringing it up.

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Working together instead of bailing out will do a world of good----because I think you two have a long history, and that shouldn't be thrown away willy-nilly.
im not throwing it away willy nilly

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You admit that your initial post was a lot of emotional grief, and once you calmed down you could think better. That happens with everybody. I have a feeling that you get upset quickly as well, and then you and your husband feed off of each other, so to speak.
it takes a lot to get me to the point of emotional grief, so it's not like he just says one ting and I get upset quickly. This has been going on for months, probably almost a year now (even when we were doing financially great) and I'm just not at my breaking point.

re:food: there would have been no right way to handle that situations. passive or assertive would not have mattered. in the end, I'll end up the bad guy.

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I also think you are feeling lonely and cooped up. You need to find some friends so you can get out of the house---whether that be through finding some groups to meet with regarding your children(you mentioned you had a child with special needs), or finding some people to hang out with who share some of your interests---but, interests that are not SHOPPING.
I did. PS- haven't had the shopping problem since before I got pregnant with my now 1 year old. I was talking about a past problem that explains the current situation. I agree with how he handled the money issue for this reason, but its not like it's a problem I still have. My friend and I go to the beach a lot, sometimes with the kids, sometimes without.

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Again----I think that getting a job would be a GREAT thing: You would be getting away from the 24/7 housewife/ child-care thing, and doing something that will give you some autonomy and feelings of productivity. I sense that you don't want to work based on your statements of having medical problems and still nursing your youngest child----in my opinion, saving your marriage and keeping your family together by lightening the financial load on your husband is the most important thing.
actually I DO want to go back to work. i love working. i used to be a workaholic before I had kids and can't wait to go back. I am just looking for a job that will not interfere with my health and will not cause more stress (if im working away from my kids for 50 hours a week only to bring home $50 after child care and transportation then that causes more stress then it relieves.) there are things I CAN do, thats what im looking into. Really, at this point it's upsetting to read your posts. When you overcome lukemia come talk to me. it's not so easy to just say "oh well who cares about my medical problems" and throw it to the wind. Count your blessings, I count mine. I have a long list of medical conditions because you are just never the same after having cancer. It's not someting that they just fix and then everything is kay and you can go on life as if nothing ever happened. maybe thats the case for some people but I had a lot of other "body failures" in consequence to my previous condition.

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Lots of women who are still nursing work out of the home and they make it work.
I know, I used to be the sole provider in our home after both my son and daughter were born. It wasn't until our third child that I became a SAHM.

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But---you have to show some initiative and motivation to actively want to contribute and make things better, instead of running away and bailing out.
It's not what I want to do, I am just being practical and wanting to have a plan in case one day its what I need to do. Because its been a while and things are getting worse not better. I've shown a lot of initiative. Maybe I was wrong to try to get support from strangers. I didnt go to the people I know in real life because they are so close to it, they see how I kill myself trying to make this relationship work and I don't want to tell them I don't have much left in me anymore.

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You definitely have a major part in the financial demise situation, with your addiction to shopping and overspending, and then having your bank account closed and hurting your credit situation.
This was YEARS AGO. seriously. We've been WELL back on our feet - mostly thanks to the money I HAVE MADE - NOT HIM. And even before that the shopping problem (which occurred during and after the pregnancy of my second child) was me overspending the money I was making. Not saying its okay but instead of assuming whatever you think is going to make me a monster (then claim you are just trying to understand) ask instead of making assumptions and assuming the worst of me.
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In your response regarding your bank account being closed and reported 5 years ago, and that "they aren't supposed to do that over such a small amount of money and that short of a period of time...."----ANY creditor can report a one dollar payment that is one day late!! There is no rule or law about that!! And of course, if you overdrew an account $30 or $40 for 2 months, they are going to close the account and report you to ChexSystems and you aren't going to be able to open another account because you are a credit risk to the bank and banks don't like to lose money. They view that as a default, to not put that money back immediately and bring your account into a positive standing. For $30 or $40, I would have begged, borrowed and stolen to get that money and get your account back into a positive status! You are blaming the bank for something that YOU did!!
SHOW ME. SHOW ME WHERE I BLAMED THE BANK! I DONT BLAME THEM IT WAS SOMETHING I DID I KNOW THAT. I WAS YOUNG AND VERY VERY STUPID. I wouldn't have stolen to put the money back but I would have worked harder to get it back. The fact is THE BANK told me it was weird that I got reported to chexsystems so soon for such a small amount and THEY told me that really wasn't the purpose of chexsystems. maybe they lied to me. I didnt exactly go looking into it BECAUSE EITHER WAY I SAW IT AS MY FAULT SO IT DIDNT MATTER IF IT WAS THE NORMAL OR NOT WHAT HAPPENED.

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They didn't do anything wrong by closing your account and reporting to ChexSystems---I am sure if you read about the rules and regulations of having an account, you would find this written in there. (Is there a pattern being formed here? I did notice that in one of your posts that you said that you had talked to him about things, and he did some "blaming" on you.....Did you "blame" him? I suspect you did.
your suspecting is not really showing you to be a good person on the inside right now.

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Blaming someone else takes the burden off the "blamer" and relinquishes responsibility of having any contribution to the situation.) Unless you have overdraft coverage (which you aren't going to have if your credit is crappy), overdrawing an account is a MAJOR bad sign to a bank. You have shown your irresponsibility with money and creditors don't like that----and, it sounds like your husband doesn't like it either if your name isn't on a joint bank account!!
my name CANT be on the account because of what happened. thats why its not on the account. and im not BLAMING anyone. GEESH YOU ARE LIKE THE QUEEN OF BAD ASSUMPTIONS!!!

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Apparently, he doesn't want to co-sign or guarantee an account with your name on it, because he can't trust you with money and because he doesn't want his credit ruined, which is totally understandable.
he ruined his own credit and my own long before he became the financially wise one of the bunch

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What you should do is get a job, and then get a secured credit card that reports to the big 3 credit reporting agencies to work on your credit. You put however much money you want into the credit card, and it works like a debit card---it is not a "credit" card, because it is using youe money that has already been deposited, or "secured". You should forget about asking a friend to open an account---you should concentrate on getting an account opened in your own name. If it has been 5 years, go to a bank and see if you can open an account----and BE HONEST!! People like it when you are honest instead of hiding things and not being upfront.
I AM FREAKING HONEST. GEESH DONT IMPLY IM FULL OF CRAP OR ANYTHING. I TOOK MY KIDS TO THE AMUSEMENT PARK LAST SUMMER AND I COULD HAVE GOTTEN THEM IN FOR FREE AND I TOLD THEM "NO THEY ARE OVER THE AGE SO I HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM" AND GAVE THE $60 TO COVER BOTH THEIR ADMISSIONS even though my friend thought I was crazy because they obviously didn't care.

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DO NOT BLAME THE BANK FOR CLOSING YOUR ACCOUNT AND REPORTING YOU TO CHEXSYSTEMS!!
OKAY I WILL CONTINUE TO DO THAT.

As for looking like a fool, my husband lied on an application for a place to rent once and it caused us a lot of problems and I told him he should just be honest about our financial situation but he didn't want to. So I know all this. you aren't telling me anything new but maybe you are ripping the wrong persons head off. It was my calm attitude and honesty that got us a place to live after he pulled that stunt.

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If you got a job, of course your husband is going to want you to contribute toward the household expense
of course thats fair and I wouldn't have it any other way if we are staying together and i have an income of COURSE its going to go towards the house. You are putting words into my mouth and honestly im sick of it so if you are going to continue on this path then please just stop trying to "help" me (ie judge me without having an inkling of what the hell you are talking about)

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There are lots of "free" activities that you can find to do with the family---there are coupons everywhere for free admissions and/or discounts for the circus, movies, zoo, etc. A park is free. Playing outside is free. A Blockbuster night is relatively inexpensive.
and that's all we do. free and cheap activities (now that money is tight, when we had money we did do more expensive things) anyway, we do those things, of course its more ME doing those things with the kids (the playground and the beach a lot) because DH doesnt do anything that involves the kids.

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There is A LOT of information that I don't know, so it is hard to "advise".
hard to advise, easy to pass negative judgement though.

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For example----if your husband is working double shifts and juggling to get the bills paid and is the sole person taking care of the finances, it is absolutely understandable that he would be cranky.
he works 4 days a week.

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Why doesn't he like watching the kids?
they are loud and uninteresting to him.

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Does he work nights and needs to sleep during the day, but can't because you are going out to lunch with your friends?
I dont often go out to lunch with my friends but when I do we bring the kids or her mom babysits for us. Like tomorrow we might go to the beach (we havent had a day out together in 3 or 4 weeks) and her mom is going to watch the kids at her place.

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You say that he "works so much". Is he simply exhausted?
yes hes exhausted. and he should be. but not as much as he is and that doesn't excuse his days off. He gets more sleep then I do.

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What was his feeling about your youngest child being born?
it was planned, and it was the first child that was his idea to have.

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A newborn/infant exhausts you, between round-the-clock feedings, crying, colic, teething, etc. etc. etc.
sure does, but that affects me, not him.

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You want him to be nicer. And, I bet he wants you to stop spending money.
cool, so he got what he wanted - YEARS AGO- and I still haven't.

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We cannot expect another human being to meet ALL our needs---we have to work on meeting them ourselves in order to be happy.
honestly, i dont care if he does NOTHING at all to help me or does anything for me, I just want him to BE NICE TO ME.

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If you had other things to focus on, such as your own job, your own friends, your own interests, you probably wouldn't be so bothered by your husband's actions, and you may very well be a bit more understanding about what he is going through.
I am an avid reader, I just wrote an entire full length novel (rought draft) in 6 weeks which has been my major focus over the weeks (of which he has shown no interest in reading even one part of it - even though he knows this was one of my lifes biggest ambitions) I show total interest in the things he does, even things i am not interested in I find awe in his enjoyment of those things.

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I suspect that you really have no idea about what the REAL financial situation in your house is----and if he is carrying that load himself, that is enough to kill somebody with the stress.
I know he made about $1500 this week, which more then pays our rent. About the same last week, which pays the rest of our bills, and still has 2 weeks pay left for other things. Where the money is going that he couldnt have paid for his car I dont know. The two weeks before that his work was really bad and we had to use savings to pay. We are not totally screwed - he just had a few bad weeks and realized that we have to work on our finances more so we don't end up tight on money again. we've been in worse situations and been happier. Im not going to let a drought of money excuse his being unkind to me for the last year when most of the year has been good financially
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makes him think that you do not care about him because if you did, you would keep the kids quiet.
good luck with that. What should I do, remove their vocal chords? I do my best, thats why I took them outside, where he couldn't hear them unless he has some kid of supersonic hearing and if thats the case the sound of the refridgerator running would have been just as loud as the kids outside and that would have kept him awake too.
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Should he have throw it through the window? Absolutely not. And of course something like that would scare the kids----but you know what? They'll get over it!! An explanation and apology for throwing the toy through the window should suffice for them.
an apology from my husband is not going to happen. and I don't want him to share the excuse either (since his excuse was that my son made one of his twitchy faces and it pissed him off because he can't deal with the gestures of a special needs child - which he did not say even remotely as nicely as I am saying here, but it hurts to think about his word choice)

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It sounds to me like he has reached the end of his rope---put yourself in his shoes. If it were you, what you would want/need to make you feel better?
obviously i dont know because ive been trying and trying and even asking what he wants and then doing everything he says and still no luck.

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He has a past history of alcohol abuse and infidelity. Why do you suppose he was drinking? Why do you suppose he was unfaithful to you? What was he mad at? What happened after that whole thing?
Whole story: We lived in an apartment complex and he used to like to barbeque. I would go down to the barbeque with him but I didnt stay outside because there was an old guy who kept coming to join us who creeped me out. (my husband says the guy offered him money to do sexual things and my husband declined) I couldnt stay out there with the kids and this guy becuase he was giving me a bad vibe. DH was mad that I wasn't "hanging with him" I was also pregnant at the time. So, because I didn't want to "party" with him, him and my friend left after my sons birthday. I was in bed sleeping already. I woke up to the sound of her baby crying (hey thanks for letting me know you were leaving your baby at my house while you went out to cheat on me with my husband!) the baby had fallen out of the stroller. So my neighbor (not the creepy guy of course) watched the kids while I looked for them. I didnt know what time it was yet, I thought they were still at the pool. but they weren't. so i looked in the parking lot, no car there. Tried calling them both - no answer. they came back around 5 that morning. That was the first time he cheated on me. It continued for a while, and thats when my shopping problem started, partly to make myself feel better but mostly it made me feel worse. Eventualy I became completely withdrawn from the relationship. I couldnt get past that he cheated on me. At that point he had already stopped. Then he started trying to make it up to me. At the time he was still denyng cheating on me. He didn't admit the truth until after we separated, and only because the ex-friend finally admitted it to me. they said they didnt want to tell me because it was a mistake (that happened many times) but im not an idiot... they weren't exactly too bright about it. there are a lot of finer details involved as well about their get togethers but this post has been long enough. We did end up getting back together, obviously. things were good for a while, now back to this.

now I understand why he doesn't trust me with money - but by the same token, I don't trust him all the time either. We have to rebuild that trust if this relationship is going to work. I know that stresses him out that I don't trust him. It's hard to trust him because he lies a lot - to everyone - and he's good at it, so sometimes i wonder if he is lying to me again too.

I've been jumping through hoops for some time now. Now I feel like you are holding the other side of my husbands hoop. I guess you can relate to him, but what you say isn't helping me understand that kind of person more, its just showing me my husband isnt the only person like that.

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But, deep down, you don't trust each other.
at least you got something right

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What do you think you identify most with as a woman? For example--being a mother, being a wife, or something else?
hard question - i dont think about myself as a woman more of as a person. I see myself as a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a writer, a photographer, and sometimes even a philosopher of sorts

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And, don't say your husband just needs to be nice and everything will be fine.
I don't think that, but I do think that if he was nice, but if he was nice then we'd be able to deal with the things that arent fine together.

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There is a lot more to it than that---but you have to find the time to sit down for a period of time and COMMUNICATE with your husband.
been there done that. many times. we usually sit at our computers and send emails back and forth because we both express ourselves better that way then when we try to talk and then no one can be tempted to interrupt. The thing is that when we communicate I try to only focus on what I do. and he only focuses on what I do. so that doesnt work. So then I try to explain some of the things that are hard for me with his behavior. He wont be accountable. I just get excuses. Excuses that range from "if you would only" (and then I do what he says and nothing changes) to "well I cant help it" but I know he can because he has in the past.
Communication takes two people. I am willing. If he isn't willing I cant MAKE hi. please try to wrap your mind around that.

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One more question that begs to be asked----If you moved out of state (which you admit was not his fault---whatever that is about I don't know, but you side-step that issue which could be one of the underlying problems) and 95% of your problems went away, then why did you go back?
I didn't, I still live here, and it's gloriously wonderful!
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Again, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't take this as an attack.
easier to do if you aren't attacking me.

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Do you know why? Because I COMMUNICATE with them. I don't yell, I don't throw stuff, I don't intimidate them in front of their co-workers. If I have a problem, I let them know face-to-face and in private. This gives them the opportunity to think about it and make whatever changes are necessary. The same should hold true in personal life too.
I do the same thing, only I don't make assumptions assuming the worst of people before communicating.

***beyond this, I am not going to debate my life with you anymore. I don't blame you for being unable to understand the situation, but so far the posts have been an irrelevant interrogation that helps no one. If you need to reply beyond this to provide your rebuttal about who I am, what my situation is, and what my problem is, then you go ahead, but I felt it necessary to tell you this now, because part of me feels bad if you are really taking the time out for my sake to type those long replies, I don't want you to waste any more time. If you are doing it for your own sake for whatever reason, feel free to rant on, just know I can't justify anymore of this ridiculous nonsense with any further replies of my own. It's just way to far off base and if you don't get it by the end of this post then you're not going to and you probably don't want to.
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#70 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 04:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyway, all that aside, an update on the situation:

I am going to go back to work and my husband picked up a 5th shift at work. My friends mom will babysit for cheap if I work nights because the kids would all be in bed. I'm still going to keep working on the relaitonship - im going to look into that book on how to fix relationship when the other person doesn't want to do anything to change themselves. I'm going to save up some money so that if things don't change I can leave. Nothing has changed on what I would do if I left - I'd stay nearby, he could see the kids whenever he wants, and I wouldn't be going after to him for money. I still need to think about things though... I have to decide where it is I draw the line, because if I don't it's too easy to find yourself in a situation that is unacceptable but not do anything about it, so I think I need to know ahead of time what I think it just taking it too far on his part. I know we both need to work on ourselves in the relationship - the hard part is when you are the only one willing to do that.
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#71 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 05:21 PM
 
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I'm sorry you got slammed. It happens as there are all types here. Some get your situation some don't. It never helps to argue point by point with someone because if they dont' get it, they just don't. If it doesn't apply to you and you know it, just move on to the next post. I get that you're stressed and looking for help and it hurts to be so misunderstood, but it's just part of online advice.

There has to be a way for you to get a bank account. Have you gone into every bank around and tried? A local credit union? Maybe a distant small bank? ING orange account? If my brother has an account, I know it can be done, his checks bounce on a regular basis and some were even sent to the prosecutors office. I've bounced plenty and have an account.

A tip for dealing with your husband...maybe it'll work. My husband is one of those people where if you apologize to him, he gets riled up. It's like "Ok, I've got justification and I'm going to run with it." He's a wonderful husband/person/father, but he has that weird quirk. So, I never apologize. If he mentions something that he thinks I did wrong, I change the subject or somehow find a way to blame him. It's wrong, I know, but I do it so we can get along. If I were to apologize and he would say "oh,no biggie" or something, that would be nice, but that's not how he works. I don't know which one you are in this equation, but maybe you can figure that out. I also never answer a question directly. I answer every question with a question until I know all I need to know to give an answer. It drives him crazy, but protects me from him being aggravated that I don't understand what he wants, which usually starts an argument. It also gives me time to think about what I want to say. My husband is french and so we have different ways of approaching things.

It seems like your husband is passive aggressive and you are set on defending yourself. Next time you feel that he's about to ask you for coffee with his "cute" face, ask him first. Just as an experiment. Don't get into a fight over it, just see how it's handled. Start dealing with your relationship and the conversations, arguments as an observer. Make a plan to absolutely NOT defend yourself. Even if you're wrong, don't defend. Use many less words when you feel an argument coming on. Read up on how to deal with passive aggressiveness.

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

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#72 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 05:59 PM
 
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I hope things get better for you. I don't feel like you were slammed. People are giving their opinions about your situation and trying to help you. I hope you don't take what I am about to say the wrong way. IMO, You don't seem to be able to see your DH's side at all. You're blaming everything on him. You have an answer for everything and are coming off seeming very defensive. I know it's hard to get tones across on the internet so I may be way off. But if you are acting like *this* at home, maybe he's just as disappointed in your behavior as you are in his. And maybe he is just as sick of you as you are of him. I went through a similar thing after my 3rd child was born. For some reason she really changed the dynamics of our home and money needed, responsibility, stress levels, noise levels... We worked through it and all is well now. Packing up sneaking money and running away with the kids wouldn't have helped my situation at all. I think you need to figure out how to communicate. There are things bothering both of you and you need to know what each other is thinking whether you stay together or not.

Anyways, hang in there. I think getting a job is a good step in what ever ends up happening.
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#73 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 05:59 PM
 
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On getting a job.

think outside the box of your training. is there just some silly part time job you can do while your husband watches the kids? I work at a grocery store. while I was married hubby watched them or his mom. even as a single mom I have only had to pay child care2-3 in tha last 12 months. but lets go back to when I was married since you are married.....

I got a job at a grocery store 2 miles from my house.

clothes were an initial expense of about $150. i needed things I didnb't normally wear but certainly could wear other places. casual and easy care. and that much money bought several sets.

I made $8 a hour starting. worked 15-20 hours a week. that was about $600 a month. that covers gas for the car. groceries and other consumables and fun stuff.

Since it was close I didn't spend much on groceries. also I could do almost all my errends at the store, kept up on sales and specials, got new ides for food etc. this saved me quite a bit.

Once a month I get 10% off my groceries. this works out to about $40 a month. for 10 months.

have I mentioned there was no child care and since I am not bringing in a lot I was tax exempt. woohoo.

I have worked there for 3 years, landed a sweet position as starbucks barrista or greeter, both super easy, i get tips at starbucks (averaging a $1 per hour in unreported income) and milage when I deliver groceries and work as a greeter (I went 28 miles and got $15 and my expense for driving was about $4). I make $10 an hour. and do almost nothing. flexible schedule, have become a social butterfly, and get to do my shopping without my kids. yeehaw.

there are lots of other jobs that are handy, have flexible hours and offer some sort of incintive like a discount (something like target or walmart would be a good place to work for the discount.) and allow you to dress casually.

so these sorts of jobs may pay less or be less than your dream job but in the end you may end up clearing a lot more money because of the flexability and convinience they offer.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#74 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 06:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
I'm sorry you got slammed. It happens as there are all types here. Some get your situation some don't. It never helps to argue point by point with someone because if they dont' get it, they just don't. If it doesn't apply to you and you know it, just move on to the next post. I get that you're stressed and looking for help and it hurts to be so misunderstood, but it's just part of online advice.
thanks :

Quote:
There has to be a way for you to get a bank account. Have you gone into every bank around and tried? A local credit union? Maybe a distant small bank? ING orange account? If my brother has an account, I know it can be done, his checks bounce on a regular basis and some were even sent to the prosecutors office. I've bounced plenty and have an account.
I'm sure there is, it's really only my fault I haven't done it already. I think the whole idea is overwhelming and I need to just focus on one thing at a time instead of looking at a long list.

Quote:
A tip for dealing with your husband...maybe it'll work. My husband is one of those people where if you apologize to him, he gets riled up. It's like "Ok, I've got justification and I'm going to run with it." He's a wonderful husband/person/father, but he has that weird quirk. So, I never apologize. If he mentions something that he thinks I did wrong, I change the subject or somehow find a way to blame him. It's wrong, I know, but I do it so we can get along. If I were to apologize and he would say "oh,no biggie" or something, that would be nice, but that's not how he works. I don't know which one you are in this equation, but maybe you can figure that out. I also never answer a question directly. I answer every question with a question until I know all I need to know to give an answer. It drives him crazy, but protects me from him being aggravated that I don't understand what he wants, which usually starts an argument. It also gives me time to think about what I want to say. My husband is french and so we have different ways of approaching things.
I hear what you are saying. its a weakness of mine. I always apologize, even when things aren't my fault... it took a long time for me to get to the point where I feel like no, I don't have to take on everything. No, it's NOT ALL my fault. My husband is the same, say you are sorry and he runs with it. nice that someone understands.

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It seems like your husband is passive aggressive and you are set on defending yourself. Next time you feel that he's about to ask you for coffee with his "cute" face, ask him first. Just as an experiment. Don't get into a fight over it, just see how it's handled. Start dealing with your relationship and the conversations, arguments as an observer. Make a plan to absolutely NOT defend yourself. Even if you're wrong, don't defend. Use many less words when you feel an argument coming on. Read up on how to deal with passive aggressiveness.
I do offer him coffee first sometimes, it's one of the things he does respond well to. Then of course, he makes it sound like the only thing I ever do for him is get him coffee. there are attempts to make me feel inadequate. I feel like I spend a lot of effort trying to build up his esteem and he uses the confidence to knock mine out of me

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Originally Posted by Ackray View Post
IMO, You don't seem to be able to see your DH's side at all. You're blaming everything on him.
actually, the entire situation is a result of taking the entire blame on everything. I took that class in grade school too seriously. The whole "I" statement thing. So I'm always looking for what *I* did wrong in the situation and I'm just getting to the point where I realize this is NOT working in this particular relation ship.
If he lit a match and set the couch on fire and I tried to put it out and failed, and I apologized for not getting the fire out in time he would let me take the whole blame on the fire without batting an eye. I just can't be that person anymore that shoulders all the blame. Account needs to be put where it is due. I am accountable for what role I play. I know I am not perfect. I work hard on myself. I work to communicate, to understand his needs. When he tells me what he needs I do it. And I should. But that doesn't mean he should just keep being mean to me or that when I accept accountability for what *I* have done that it means that I am accountable for the whole kit and kaboodle.

As for at home, I rarely call him out on what he does. I think that is the problem. And when I do I always start with what I did wrong first and in a non attacking manner. I say things like

"I know you must be exhausted, but a helping hand would be great right now. If you can't it's not big deal." I'm walking on eggshells. Why do I do that? because I've tried not walking on eggshells. In the end, the results are the same though, so I don't know why I bother either way.

Or I say,
"I understand how you feel. I get really really frustrated with the kids sometimes too. I really need you to be the calm one when I'm at the end of my rope though. I ask for your help because I feel like I'm the weaker link at the moment."

I never, ever, say anything about anything he has done without first saying what I did wrong. and often times, I don't say anything about what he did at all, but sometimes yeah, I will say, "I know I'm stressing you out when I keep asking you to do this. I don't mean to nag you but it still hasn't been done yet and I just want to make sure you haven't forgotten." anytime i remind him of something , I am "nagging" him, and I kid you not I MAYBE hand out a reminder after at least 2 weeks has gone by and he hasn't done something he said he'd do tomorrow. then another month goes by im afraid to get chewed out for reminding and I say something and get chewed out again and promised another tomorrow. Then I DO start nagging him, and it gets done, and he's all grumpy I nagged him telling him I only have to tell him once.

Him forgetting? no big deal.
him not wanting to be nagged? no big deal.
him forgetting and chewing me out every time I remind him when he obviously isn't remembering on his own: big deal - especially the way he choose to chew me out.
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#75 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 06:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Then there are things like this:

He wants me to wake him up for work each day.
Everytime I wake him up he gets pissed, because it takes several tries and he's mad I am nagging him to get up.
If I don't wake him up, then he gets pissed. If he missed work because he didn't wake up, then it would be my fault that he missed work.
His take is that it's my job to wake him up because the whole reason he has a job is to pay for me and the kids and if I don't care if we end up homeless because he loses his job for missing work then it's my fault because I should have woke him up.

I have no problem waking him up. I just don't like being forced into doing something that makes him be mean to me.
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#76 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 06:29 PM
 
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I'm just going to say it again he is acting abusively. Here's another website that might be helpful www.youarenotcrazy.com

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#77 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 07:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you, I am looking at that site now.
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#78 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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the link is really informative so far - I can relate to so much I just don't think he does these things on purpose.

some of it makes sense too... like if I am talking to him about the weather instead of responding to what he knows I am talking about he will correct me for pronouncing a word the wrong way when he knows im already having a hard time expressing myself and instead of just putting that aside and having the conversation with me he is laughing at me. In a serious conversation I think content is more important to focus on then whether or not someone is saying potato or patoto.
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#79 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 07:36 PM
 
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I have no problem waking him up. I just don't like being forced into doing something that makes him be mean to me.
This is easily fixable. Get an alarm clock. Don't set yourself up every morning.
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#80 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 07:37 PM
 
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Then there are things like this:

He wants me to wake him up for work each day.
Everytime I wake him up he gets pissed, because it takes several tries and he's mad I am nagging him to get up.
If I don't wake him up, then he gets pissed. If he missed work because he didn't wake up, then it would be my fault that he missed work.
His take is that it's my job to wake him up because the whole reason he has a job is to pay for me and the kids and if I don't care if we end up homeless because he loses his job for missing work then it's my fault because I should have woke him up.

I have no problem waking him up. I just don't like being forced into doing something that makes him be mean to me.
Yeah, you can't reason with this...it's just not reasonable. Refuse to wake him up, or insist that you will only tell him once and that's it. Some people love to be "wronged" and there's nothing you can do that will make them think that you haven't wronged them somehow. Everyone knows people like this, you just happen to be married to one. Just out of curiosity....does he send his food back at restaurants often?

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#81 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 07:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is easily fixable. Get an alarm clock. Don't set yourself up every morning.
yes but the alarm doesnt wake up and he blames me. I can not do it, and I know I am not wrong, but that doesn't mean hes going to be nice to me.
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#82 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 07:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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no, actually, he doesn't do this to many people. mostly just me. everyone else it seems the opposite - like they can do no wrong in his eyes.

Thank you so much Lavendar - now I know I'm not crazy. That site, it was like reading about my husband in so many parts...

This example:

Abuser: Why is it taking so long to get out of the house?
Partner: I think the kids are still searching for their mittens.
Abuser angrily: I didn’t ask you!
Partner: What are you angry about?
Abuser with rage: You knew it was a rhetorical question!

I could have written that!

And the thing about "bad jokes"


and just a lot of the info on there, it's weird...
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#83 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 07:42 PM
 
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yes but the alarm doesnt wake up and he blames me. I can not do it, and I know I am not wrong, but that doesn't mean hes going to be nice to me.
Yes but he isn't being nice to you either way. Let him wake up on his own a few mornings with the alarm clock. He'll learn.
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#84 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 07:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes but he isn't being nice to you either way. Let him wake up on his own a few mornings with the alarm clock. He'll learn.
no, he'll just blame me for losing his job and try to "stick it to me" but probably still find a way to buy his cigarettes. I'll try this once I have a job and we can afford for him to lose his. I really don't want it on my shoulders that there is no money for groceries or rent. I realize he knows this, and this is why he does that, but I kind of feel backed into a corner right now.
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#85 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 07:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay.... Eileen must have dated my husband before I married him. I'm reading the conversations, but I really suck at the whole "reveal abuse" thing.
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#86 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 07:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Lavendar- is there a section on the site that tells you how you should respond to these things? It's hard to rehash what happens here clearly, but some of you seem to understand... He controls the conversation... I don't know what else to do? If I ignore him he's mad I'm giving him the cold shoulder, if I take all the blame he just shines on the opportunity to rub in how its all my fault, if I point out what he does he just turns it back around to be about me again. We could be talking about elephants and somehow he'll make it about confetti. I know I'm not explaining this well, but you seem to actually understand the situation, so if you have any advice on how to respond to him in these situations I'm all ears.
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#87 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 08:01 PM
 
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no, he'll just blame me for losing his job and try to "stick it to me" but probably still find a way to buy his cigarettes. I'll try this once I have a job and we can afford for him to lose his. I really don't want it on my shoulders that there is no money for groceries or rent. I realize he knows this, and this is why he does that, but I kind of feel backed into a corner right now.
Can you set the alarm earlier than normal so he has a chance to be woken up by the alarm and you can be the back up? You might give yourself a little more power if he's forced to wake himself up.
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#88 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 08:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That's a good idea. I'd still end up waking him up every time (we've done this before) but it's worth a try. though, then he'd probably tell me it's fauly he doesn't get good sleep because the alarm goes off to early...

One time he was supposed to pick me and the kids up from the airport. I was 16 or weeks pregnant, and had 2 toddlers with me. I ended up trapped at the airport for several hours because he was sleeping. I called and called and called and called but he didn't answer. Even my family tried called when I realized my phone was going to die (they lived too far to get me themselves - they were the ones I had just taken a plane home from visiting) He ended up mad at me for having my family call him.
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#89 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 08:11 PM
 
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Can you set the alarm earlier than normal so he has a chance to be woken up by the alarm and you can be the back up? You might give yourself a little more power if he's forced to wake himself up.
But it's not really about the alarm or how to do it better. There's no way to do it right in her case. He's not going to wake up for her and he's not going to take that responsibility on himself and he will blame not waking up on her. There's no getting around it or doing it right.

OP, I don't think your husband can kick you out. He can refuse to pay the bills and rent, but that hurts him too. He can refuse to leave and you'll have to deal with the divorce that way. Worst case scenario is that you all get evicted and get another ding on your credit report. You keep taking this all on yourself saying your backed into a corner. He's bluffing. He can't kick you out. If you're worried about it, ask the police if he can kick you out. Even if you're not on the lease, he can't kick you out. Get a legal separation and temporary custody orders. You can go to your states supreme court site and search for link until you get to how to file for all of these things. Look at how to do it and see if you can do any of it yourself. Delete all downloads and history, Clear your trash. Clear cookies afterwards. OR do all of this at the library.

The moms over on the single mothering board have all been here and done this. You should ask some questions over there.

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#90 of 97 Old 07-17-2009, 08:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks, its hard to get out of the habit of not trying to figure out what I can do differently... I know he's capable of having a good relationship, i just wish we could get back to that, i wish there was something I can do. Im not trying to be impossible though - it just seems like there really is nothing I can do sometimes, like no matter what, I could take the best advice from this thread that some people are so sure would work - but he's still find a way to be mean
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