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Old 07-17-2009, 10:36 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you got some rather...not so nice responses. I know where you're coming from since I've been through it myself. Heck, even now that I'm divorced, I STILL hear it-my ex keeps making a big deal out of the fact that he has no furniture (I kept the kids furniture and the living room stuff; he took the bedroom stuff and most of the kitchen stuff), yet he makes $30 an hour, works full time...and guess what? He just bought a big screen plasma TV. But its my fault he still doesnt have furniture. : Nevermind that we're sleeping on the floor, on a futon mattress, and have NO other bedroom stuff-and no income at the moment. The sad thing is, we'll most likely replace the stuff he took well before he gets himself stuff.

Some people absolutely refuse to see themselves as having any fault in anything. He's one of those people. I understand learning to get around and work with someones personality-I mean, even my fiance has this quirk where something small will make him mad and its like...wow, why? But I've learned how to get around it-I just go in, kiss him, and tell him to stop being so emo, until he smiles. But it sounds like your husband is really LOOKING for something to start. He wants to fight. He wants conflict. Or, at the very least, he wants to make you feel like crap, which is definately abusive behavior.

I'd definately get yourself a job. Even if you cant save any money up for moving, you can at least already have a job if you do leave him.

My fiance told me once that when a guy feels guilty or is doing something he knows is wrong, they'll get snippy over everything. They try to belittle you, because they dont like knowing they're wrong. Obviously he's home most of the time right? So, I doubt he's cheating on you now, but maybe he kept cheating longer than he admits? Perhaps he is just thinking about doing something, which makes him feel guilty? I dont know...I never, ever thought my ex cheated on me until I found out I had an STD last week. How humiliating...even moreso that I had zero clue.

Anyway, if I were you, I'd start making plans to leave, but just hold off saying anything yet. Keep trying to make it work if you can. Maybe he needs you to just become an uncaring UA violation for him to see what you do for him. I mean, trying to be caring hasnt worked, right? (By the way, I tried that and all I got was complaining, it didnt make him see anything different)

I dont know what else you can do. Good luck~

Cari-mama to Eriq, Lile, Paikea, Kaidyn, and Mieke is here!! 2/9/10
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Old 07-17-2009, 10:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so so much Cari. For sharing with me and for offering support and understanding. Your advice on getting the job just in case even if I can't save money you are right, thats a really smart move
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Old 07-18-2009, 04:41 AM
 
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Old 07-18-2009, 06:50 AM
 
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i read your conversations....stop apologizing. he is abusing you and you are laying yourself on a platter for him.

your replies drag out. you trip over yourself in your rush to be the bad guy.

instead of going all drawn out, try:

'take the baby' period.

'do you want food?" period

he is grabbing at everything you are giving him. obviously he is responsible for his behavior and it is wrong no matter what others have said on here, but you can do a lot for yourself by not playing into it.

you are doing the verbal version of flinching before being slapped. he knows he has you.



me, personally, i would tell him to get out and come back when he has signed up for help of some sort. again, even your original question comes from a perspective of being the bad guy...you and your innocent children shouldn't even consider being tossed onto the streets. he needs to get his butt out of there.

here's my take: he's abusive, always has been abusive. you are just now learning from this thread what 'abusive' means. he has you emotionally under his thumb b/c you had an issue. he is twisting your mistake to abuse the heck out of you. you feel like you were in the wrong and you are taking it. you've hit your limit for tolerating it, but you believe he is the winner in this game so you are trying to run away.

change your perspective. i guarantee he won't change his.

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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Old 07-18-2009, 09:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks claddaghmom. I know they say, the first act of war is defense.. it's hard not to try to "show him" that im not the bad guy he thinks i am. I am going to take your advice of just giving simple statements and dropping it.
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Old 07-18-2009, 11:51 AM
 
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I agree with everything Claddaghmom wrote. I hope you understand that a lot of people really have no clue about abuse and so their advice although well intended is not going to be helpful and could in fact be more damaging to you.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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Old 07-18-2009, 12:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I see that Lavendar lol. Thanks though, because there were still a lot of people who gave me great advice and direction. I feel a lot better, now I just have some habits of my own to break... the habit of letting myself be the bad guy.

Thanks again to everyone who took the timeto reply and to those who offered support, encouragement, and great resources and information. I feel better and I don't want to clog up the parenting board with this post anymore. Great group of peopel here
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