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#1 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 02:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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*cant post in Parents as Partners yet*

I don't want to get into details on why, but what do you do when you have three kids, no money, no job, and no where to go, and you want to get away from your husband. It is not an emergency situation, so going to a shelter would do more harm then good, but my husband isn't going to let us stay here if he knows I want to leave, and so getting a job to keep the money or trying to get set up somewhere else isn't going to work. I just need to go straight from here to somewhere else, but obviously you can't do that without money.

Maybe there is no solution for a problem like this, but if you've been in these shoes please let me know, even if you rather do it by PM.
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#2 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 02:19 PM
 
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could you go to a family member's or friend's house?
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#3 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 02:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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no family, and honestly my family is worse thn my husband. and only 1 friend who I don't know if I could go there or not, but I guess I could ask,
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#4 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 02:53 PM
 
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Could you get a job and tell your husband a different reason why you want a job? Even if you won't save as much money, when you're ready to leave you'll have a job history to show potential landlords, and maybe a kindhearted one will waive the security deposit.

How old are your kids? Depending on how old they are and how much training/skill/job experience you had pre-kids, it might take a while of working to get to the point where you're making more than your childcare costs. If you start now, you have a better chance of being at the point before you're ready to leave.

If your kids are very young and you have very little job experience or training, maybe you could take care of other people's kids in your home. It won't give you a leg-up on a rental application, but you'll be able to save more money and maybe use the experience to get a job at a preschool or daycare when you're ready to leave.
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#5 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 03:14 PM
 
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For a period of time I had debated leaving dh (we worked on things though, so right now it's ok) and I had two young ones and no money and nowhere to go. Since he wasn't abusive etc. I had time to make a plan.

I looked into temping. Temp to hire is an easy way to find a permanent job and you can build up your skills. You can just say that you miss being able to work and really would like a job. It may raise red flags to your dh but just keep on the path that you need.

Save every.single.dime from your job. Save some money on groceries and pocket a stash. Open up your own checking account (he will never know you did that until the divorce). Find a cheap one bedroom apartment once you have a month of savings in place.

When you do divorce there will be some alimony and childcare payments to you that will help fill the gap from your employment.

Don't rush things, it is too easy for SAHM's of small kids to fall through the cracks. Have support in place as well for back-up childcare and emotional support.

Look into foodstamps until the divorce is through to help with groceries? I don't know about that, but it is something to look into.

Good luck and hugs.

Mom of two boys (7/05 and 2/09)
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#6 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by IntrovertExtrovert View Post
Could you get a job and tell your husband a different reason why you want a job? Even if you won't save as much money, when you're ready to leave you'll have a job history to show potential landlords, and maybe a kindhearted one will waive the security deposit.

How old are your kids? Depending on how old they are and how much training/skill/job experience you had pre-kids, it might take a while of working to get to the point where you're making more than your childcare costs. If you start now, you have a better chance of being at the point before you're ready to leave.

If your kids are very young and you have very little job experience or training, maybe you could take care of other people's kids in your home. It won't give you a leg-up on a rental application, but you'll be able to save more money and maybe use the experience to get a job at a preschool or daycare when you're ready to leave.
1) if I'm being honest I will absolutely need child support because the pay rate for what I do down here will not cover the bills for me and 3 children.
2) if I get a job he will expect the money from that job, considering once we pay for child care it would only be me making $50

My kids are 4, 3, and 1. I used to make $13 an hour, but now where I live I would only make $9. Here, its over $800 a month just for a 1 bedroom. Though, no one is saying I have to stay in the area, but I do want the kids to be able to see their dad easily, and if I don't have the money to move in town I sure don't to move out of town.

If I'm making any money, he's going to want it to help pay our bills.
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#7 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 03:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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For a period of time I had debated leaving dh (we worked on things though, so right now it's ok) and I had two young ones and no money and nowhere to go. Since he wasn't abusive etc. I had time to make a plan.

I looked into temping. Temp to hire is an easy way to find a permanent job and you can build up your skills. You can just say that you miss being able to work and really would like a job. It may raise red flags to your dh but just keep on the path that you need.

Save every.single.dime from your job. Save some money on groceries and pocket a stash. Open up your own checking account (he will never know you did that until the divorce). Find a cheap one bedroom apartment once you have a month of savings in place.

When you do divorce there will be some alimony and childcare payments to you that will help fill the gap from your employment.

Don't rush things, it is too easy for SAHM's of small kids to fall through the cracks. Have support in place as well for back-up childcare and emotional support.

Look into foodstamps until the divorce is through to help with groceries? I don't know about that, but it is something to look into.

Good luck and hugs.
I know once I'm on my own I will be fine. I can get temporary assistance if I need it. Getting to that point is th hard part. He gives me a credit card for grocery shopping, so there is no cash to pocket there either..
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#8 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 03:44 PM
 
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Well, if you are trying to be clandestine about things...

How about doing something else to make money other than a job- something you can do while he's gone all day and doesn't really "know" you are making money?
Things that come to mind are selling things on E-bay, or consignment shops, Craigslist, newspaper, ect. Consider selling plasma or White blood cells as well.

"Most" people are clutterbugs- they have tons of stuff laying around that can be sold- even if it's only for a few bucks. It's the letting go and the organizing of said stuff that can be hard. Act like you are decluttering and taking stuff to goodwill when you are in fact selling it instead. Sell baby swings, baby clothes, - figure out what you can make do without- and sell if. Like a changing table, most people can change diapers on the floor- sell yours. A 1 year old can sleep in a toddler bed or on a mattress on the floor. Tell hubby that 1 year old is climbing the crib and you are afraid he will fall and hurt himself and you want to donate it or give it to a friend. Sell the crib. Keep the dough.

Other things you may or may not be able to do to "make" money without hubby knowing are upping your deductible on car insurance, and homeowners insurance, or consolidating credit card debt into one account, canceling subscriptions to gyms, magazines, and other services that he won't miss, and you pocket what you save on these. For example, call waiting on my phone, I have it, but DH would never notice if I canceled it and thus paid less on the phone bill -This depends on who pays bills in the house though.

The best way to handle this is figure out, before you leave, how much money you will need- go as far as finding an apartment, and saving the money for first month's rent, deposit, ect before you leave. Also, go to the public library computers ( no record of your activity) and research income requirements and paperwork required to apply for food stamps, WIC and other such assistance.
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#9 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 04:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mommysarah5 View Post
I know once I'm on my own I will be fine. I can get temporary assistance if I need it. Getting to that point is th hard part. He gives me a credit card for grocery shopping, so there is no cash to pocket there either..
My grocery store is supposed to return your money however you paid when you return something. But they always give me cash instead of putting it back on my credit card. Possibly they would be more careful with a bigger ticket item but that's what they do at my Giant with $5 and $10 dollar purchases.

I guess it is probably debit cards, not credit cards, where I see people asking to get charged a greater amount and get cash back...

Good luck figuring things out.

Mom to unschooling 4everboy since 8/01
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#10 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 04:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, if you are trying to be clandestine about things...

How about doing something else to make money other than a job- something you can do while he's gone all day and doesn't really "know" you are making money?
Things that come to mind are selling things on E-bay, or consignment shops, Craigslist, newspaper, ect. Consider selling plasma or White blood cells as well.

"Most" people are clutterbugs- they have tons of stuff laying around that can be sold- even if it's only for a few bucks. It's the letting go and the organizing of said stuff that can be hard. Act like you are decluttering and taking stuff to goodwill when you are in fact selling it instead. Sell baby swings, baby clothes, - figure out what you can make do without- and sell if. Like a changing table, most people can change diapers on the floor- sell yours. A 1 year old can sleep in a toddler bed or on a mattress on the floor. Tell hubby that 1 year old is climbing the crib and you are afraid he will fall and hurt himself and you want to donate it or give it to a friend. Sell the crib. Keep the dough.

Other things you may or may not be able to do to "make" money without hubby knowing are upping your deductible on car insurance, and homeowners insurance, or consolidating credit card debt into one account, canceling subscriptions to gyms, magazines, and other services that he won't miss, and you pocket what you save on these. For example, call waiting on my phone, I have it, but DH would never notice if I canceled it and thus paid less on the phone bill -This depends on who pays bills in the house though.

The best way to handle this is figure out, before you leave, how much money you will need- go as far as finding an apartment, and saving the money for first month's rent, deposit, ect before you leave. Also, go to the public library computers ( no record of your activity) and research income requirements and paperwork required to apply for food stamps, WIC and other such assistance.
That might work, but my husband works from home

I don't have a car, my husband does all the bill paying, my name isn't even on our bank account. I can research from home no problem, I have my own computer. I will figure out how much I need, then I'll just have to find a way to come up with the cash. Maybe somehow I could borrow some from family... but they are all usually broke.
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#11 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 06:22 PM
 
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online revenue possibilities include article writing for Helium.com, mechanical turk (mturk.com) or adsense through blogspot. All of these I have toyed with and they are slow revenue builders unless you can dedicate the time... but you could have the earnings deposited to paypal or a bank account of your own which you could set up online.... and all notices could come to you through an email account.

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#12 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 06:32 PM
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Call a local shelter and talk to them. You don't have to actually go there, from what I understand you can talk to them about your options and see what info they can give you. Also, here's a link on safety planning and steps you can take while you're still living with your spouse.

http://www.ndvh.org/get-help/safety-planning/
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#13 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 07:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks so much for all the great advice

Ideally, we could work out our problems, but its been years and the problems keeping coming back and its worse every time.
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#14 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 08:53 PM
 
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Maybe you could look in the paper or online for someone who is looking for a roommate. Perhaps you could borrow the money for the first month and then get a job or have one lined up by the time you move. It would certainly be easier to share rent than to pay it all by yourself----and, furniture and cooking supplies and things would most likely would already be there, except a bed for you and your kids.

You don't want to get into details, BUT----plotting and planning and sneaking away and just not being there one day when he shows up isn't a good thing to do, especially with 3 children. Unless you can prove that he is abusive to you or the children and is a danger to you or them, it is just a BAD IDEA. He can allege that you kidnapped them. If "things" have been bad for a while, and they don't get better, then he must know it too. "Things" in a marriage usually are not bad for just one party----both people are usually miserable and want out or want to work on things. Your husband CAN'T kick you out if you have been living there legally with him and the kids. Just upping and leaving is not a good thing to do, IMHO. If things are THAT bad, and you are THAT unhappy, he obviously must know. And, if you sneak away and leave one day without any notice, he's is going to be PISSED, and it won't make things easy for you when it comes time to talk about temporary child support or alimony. And, once you "leave", do expect that the locks will be changed and you won't be able to get back in. He can't "kick you out", but if you leave, he can certainly "keep you out". It is always my policy that things are always better if they are talked out, no matter what the end result is.

Open a bank account in your name only----or better yet, if you can open a bank account under a family member or friend that you can trust, do that. This way---he has no claim to any of the money in it. And, remember---just because your name is not on anything (the house, bank accounts, etc.) doesn't mean that you are not entitled to any of it in a divorce. I don't know what state you live in, but in *most*(some being more "liberal" than others), you are legally entitled to up to half, sometimes more, of whatever income has been generated and saved during the marriage; you are legally entitled to half of what the house is worth if it was purchased after your marriage (no matter whose name it is in) and if it was your husband's house before you got married, you are entitled to at least 50% of the equity that the house has gotten since you got married; you are legally entitled to half of what the car is worth----pretty much, anything and everything that you and your husband have, you are legally entitled to half of (sometimes more, depending on the state you live in). Your work in the home/household---although, perhaps, your husband does not appreciate it or think it is worth much---is looked on in a court of law as an "occupation", and your "contribution" to the household is definitely taken into consideration in a divorce proceeding. Men hate it---but, that's what happens. I read your other posts, and you were pretty clear that you do everything in the house and your husband works at home. Taking care of a house and 3 children is quite a responsible "job", and in the "real world", it would garner a very sizable salary!!

I guess I shouldn't be asking this, but---why, and more importantly, HOW, have you gone so long without a bank account of your own? I understand you don't have a job so you wouldn't have any income to deposit into it......but, do you get an "allowance" to spend? You mentioned having a credit card for groceries----can you use that credit card to do things that you want to do? How have you gone so long without your own car, bank account---it sounds like you have allowed him to control you for a good many years. It is time to take back the control of your own life. And, just MAYBE if you talked to your husband about this, you would actually be able to get some of your independence back and feel better about yourself by having a job.

In one way----you are actually very lucky in that you get to stay home with your kids and your husband makes the money to support the family--you must realize that if and when you leave, you will have to work and put your kids in some sort of daycare when you are working, and you are STILL going to have to do everything in the house!! Your time with your children will be greatly reduced, and if your husband wants to be a PIA, he can give you a REALLY hard time as far as child support and alimony goes----and he could fight tooth and nail that you should not get any alimony because you are young enough and able bodied to get a job so he should not have to support you. I don't know what he does, but I get the feeling that all the bills are paid for and you don't need/ want for anything, even though you don't have your own car or bank account or anything. Have you ever talked to him about having your own checking account and putting some money in it every week or month--you know, "mad money"? Or, have you ever talked to him about getting a job? You mentioned that you worked before.......maybe you could work again and make your own money. It is only fair that if you were working that you contribute toward the household expenses....you would expect it if he worked that he would contribute to the expenses, so it is the same for you...but, he can't "make" you do anything, and he certainly can't steal your money. If you had a job, you could have direct deposit and he wouldn't be exposed to how much you make or anything. He would have *NO* control over that money whatsoever. But, it sounds like he has a whole lot of control over you, for whatever reason that may be.

Without any "resources", like family or friends that can help you, you are pretty much left to go to a shelter---and, if you can avoid that, you probably should. Like I said---you haven't given much information on the why's and how's, so it is hard to give "advice"...........if you are just generally unhappy in the marriage, then chances are, he is too. Maybe he is afraid to talk to you about it--I don't know. For the most part, just sneaking around and all of a sudden leaving is a pretty lousy thing to do---and, your ability to qualify for any "emergency" assistance would probably be slim unless he is abusing you or the children. I don't think that just because you were unhappy and felt like leaving would qualify as an "emergency". However--abuse does.

It's hard to answer when you don't want to give an "explanation" about your siituation........however, I think everybody on here would agree with me that if he is abusing you or any of your 3 children, you have to get out of there IMMEDIATELY, no matter what----and staying with your parents or a friend or even a shelter is better than enduring any sort of abuse from ANYONE!!
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#15 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 10:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You don't want to get into details, BUT----plotting and planning and sneaking away and just not being there one day when he shows up isn't a good thing to do, especially with 3 children.
dont worry, that was never part of the plan. I just don't want to tell him we are splitting up without having the money to leave if he says "fine then get out" (which he has said before and I ended up staying because I'm not going to take the kids to the streets obviously) He would have no desire to keep the kids, this I know, unless it was to spite me, but honestly I don't think he would even do that because i doubt spiting me would be worth the amount of money he would have to pay to have someone take care of them while he works and the amount of diapers he would have to change and just the whole "parent thing" that he isn't doing right now.

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I guess I shouldn't be asking this, but---why, and more importantly, HOW, have you gone so long without a bank account of your own?
About 5 years ago, I overdrew like $30-$40 from the bank. I was broke and didn't get to pay it back until two months later. By then they had reported me to check systems or something like that (which by the way, they are not supposed to do in such short time over such a short amount of money) But I paid it back and still I have to wait 7 years from that time before they will let me open up an account, which is again, NOT how its supposed to be done according to the laws I looked up, but I'm not exactly going to pay to hire a lawyer for it, it's never been a big deal... but I can get a friend to open an account for me I think, like you suggested if I can get some money.


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I understand you don't have a job so you wouldn't have any income to deposit into it......but, do you get an "allowance" to spend?
he lends me the card for groceries, then I give it back. If I want something, I ask for it and he buys it for me. Sometimes he gives me money to go to lunch or something with my friend, and my friend usually ends up paying, and then I give the money back. I could start hanging onto the money - but this only happens like less than once a month because for me to go he has to watch the kids and it always causes a fight because he doesn't like to.

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In one way----you are actually very lucky in that you get to stay home with your kids and your husband makes the money to support the family--you must realize that if and when you leave, you will have to work and put your kids in some sort of daycare when you are working, and you are STILL going to have to do everything in the house!! Your time with your children will be greatly reduced, and if your husband wants to be a PIA, he can give you a REALLY hard time as far as child support and alimony goes----and he could fight tooth and nail that you should not get any alimony because you are young enough and able bodied to get a job so he should not have to support you. I don't know what he does, but I get the feeling that all the bills are paid for and you don't need/ want for anything, even though you don't have your own car or bank account or anything.
I know you are right, but I feel like thats the ONLY reason Ive been staying with him at this point, and that is not fair to anyone involved. See to him, he realizes he does these things and thinks that is "enough". But he talks down to me, he acts completely uninterested in me and the children, and he is rude to the kids if I ask him for help, its like he is mad at me so he is mean to them so that I wont ask him for help again. And to be honest, I very rarely ask him for help. Once a week I ask him to help so I can take a nap on one of his 3 days off. Today he took a nap and told me to wake him up in 45 minutes. I woke him up an hour later. We were outside for at least half that time. When we came in I needed his help and it had been time to wake him up anyway. He was SUPER mad, walked into the room, took a toy my son was playing with in the living room (he says the toy annoys him) and tossed it into the playroom. It wasn't violent, but he did it because he was mad I woke him up (he said he never fell asleep because we were too loud - but we had been outside most of the time) and when he threw the toy it broke the window. : It was just the last drop. My son walks around saying "daddy scare me daddy scare me" and "daddy broke the window. no throw daddy." He was once a wonderful husband and father. I don't know what happened, I feel like he doesn't even care to try anymore. Don't get me wrong I know he loves our kids, thats why he works so much. I know work stresses him out. I get stressed out too. I don't think either of us are especially nice to each other lately, but I'm tired of turning the other cheek. Today he told me he needs me to either be nice to him, leave him alone, or for our son to stop being retarded ::: I can't tell you how much that hurt and how angry it made me, as you can imagine. I told him NO I can't do that for you, that I was NOT willing to be his emotional punching bag and that NO I am not going to treat you with respect when you talk to me the way you do. I can't explain it but he is just very argumentative even when we are agreeing?? He's always on edge, I'm afraid to ask him anything because I don't want to fight. And at this point, there are no good moments to balance all this out. I'm not trying to be a pessimist, it's just true. He has no interest in me in ANY way, he is not nice to me, he is not nice to the kids. Where is the man I married? Where is the man who I used to stand smiling, watching him play with the kids, or snuggle with them on the couch watching a movie. Who the heck is this guy sorry im just so upset talking about it even though I didnt want to, I just... I dont want it to sound worse then it is, but it's still bad. I feel like it sounds worse on paper.

Ideally I would like this to work. I would like to go to counseling but he wont go. Or he doesn't have time. It's just a lot. I feel like I've put up with a lot over the years. I'm just at my breaking point. I stayed with him even after he cheated on me with someone who was supposed to be a friend ON MY SONS FIRST BIRTHDAY none the less. I stayed with him through times where he was heavy into alcohol - peeing in dresser drawers and closets when he was drunk, not coming home until 9 or 10 the next morning and missing work sometimes. God, I should have left THEN. But I stayed because there were good times too, and because I knew he loved me, and because when things got bad he tried to change or he got better. But this, this I can't do. I can't be with someone who I can't even trust loves me or my children. Part of me knows he does, but then I wonder if it's just because it would hurt to much to know otherwise? The kids don't even want to be around him much anymore, not that he makes any effort to be around them anyway. Maybe I'm dreaming, but part of me hopes if me and the kids leave that when he visits with them that he will make the most of it, like they might get more out of his father if we lived apart then together. I've even considered trying to stay married, just living separately. IDK anymore...
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#16 of 97 Old 07-13-2009, 10:55 PM
 
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From what you have described, I would advise you to go to a shelter. Now.

Your husband cannot throw you out on the street just because tell him you want out of the marriage. The fact that you believe he will/can actually do this says a lot about how intimidated you are. Call a shelter and get out.
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#17 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 03:29 AM
 
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Go to a shelter. Get counseling. Get your kids out of there. This is not a healthy situation for you or them! I speak from a place of love. I left my first husband because he was abusive. I did not want to get a divorce but he was never going to change. I left, and I left all my furniture, things I had worked hard for before I married him..everything but my clothes and photo albums stayed. I did not tell him I was divorcing him. I told him I was going for a trip to see my mom, out of state. And then I called him when I got there and told him I wasn't coming back. Granted we did not have children. But my advice to you is to just leave, as quickly as you can. Call the shelter, the police can even come and escort you in an unmarked vehicle..or someone from the shelter. You wont have to do it alone. Just go. You deserve better and your children deserve better. You know it. So do it.
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#18 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 04:20 AM
 
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In one way----you are actually very lucky in that you get to stay home with your kids and your husband makes the money to support the family--you must realize that if and when you leave, you will have to work and put your kids in some sort of daycare when you are working, and you are STILL going to have to do everything in the house!! Your time with your children will be greatly reduced, and if your husband wants to be a PIA, he can give you a REALLY hard time as far as child support and alimony goes----and he could fight tooth and nail that you should not get any alimony because you are young enough and able bodied to get a job so he should not have to support you.
(bolding mine)

As a single parent, yeah I do everything on my own, and most days it's overwhelming. BUT there is no price for being in control of your own life. In a good loving relationship a woman would never be told "fine then get out". I'm sorry that's not being "lucky" that's being controlled.

Last month I had shut off notices for all my utilities, and was close to being evicted, and I still feel blessed that I'm on my own.

Talk to a shelter, even thought your not in a physically abusive relationship they will be able to tell you what you can do to get on your own feet. They might be able to help you make a plan.

Being kept as a SAHM sometimes is made into a trap, and nobody is lucky to be trapped. Mama you deserve to be valued, if your husband can't, then you will have to do it for yourself.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#19 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 06:00 AM
 
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mama

I've just PMed you. It's tough, it's really tough. In your shoes, if you know in your heart it's time to go, then I don't think taking time to build an exit plan is an option for you. I think that the control that he is exerting, financially and physically, is such that your best option is the shelter and a lawyer. Are you in a joint property state, btw?

Whilst you do this, however, I'd talk to different banks. After five years, I would anticipate that an alternative bank would give you a basic account, which allows money to be paid in and out and an ATM card. That's all you need.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#20 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 10:35 AM
 
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While you said you weren't being abused(physically) there are other kinds of abuse. Mental, emotional, financial, sexual, verbal . It sounds to me you ARE at the very least being emotionally, and financially taken advatage of. I view these kinds of abuse just as bad as physical and you need to get out. Please take your kids and yourself to a shelter.

Israel, mom to  DD, Ivy, 4-27-06 :and DS, Kai, 12-29-07 and DD, Lilith 2-1-10 and always remembering Alice fullterm stillborn 08/31/11 (unexplained placental abruption) 

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#21 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 11:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have just heard such horror stories about shelters, I really don't feel that is the best option for me. I will talk to them though, and look into my options. Not to mention, he is so UNINVOLVED and uninterested that I rather just deal with his crap for 5 or 10 minutes a day then risk the effect a shelter would have on my kids.

I tried talking to him about it last night - not about leaving just about our problems- and he seemed really upset and said he was trying and I told him that I've seen him try before. Really all he did was make excuses, some of which involved blaming me. He says he does want to spend time with the family but can't figure out how. I don't know whats wrong with him, really. Thanks for all the kind words and support.

We'll see what he is like today, I am going to talk to him about working. I asked my friend if i could stay with her for a bit if I needed, which I didn't want to, but she said yea for a little while. Thanks again.
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#22 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 11:15 AM
 
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Yikes momma!

If you want something he buys it for you???? He gives you a credit card to use then you have to give it back????

I am a SAHM and my husband is the money provider, but we each get a monthly budget of spending money for ourselves. He values that I work hard every day.

You are definitely in an abusive relationship. Maybe you could find another momma in a similar situation needing a roommate? I have seen ads in craigslist like this before. They usually trade childcare when working opposite shifts.

Good luck-

Momma to G 12/06 A 2/09, AND ANNOUNCING... Welcome big boy! A 5/10/10 9 lbs 10 oz! We and had our 3rd UP/UC!
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#23 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 11:19 AM
 
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Playing devil's advocate here for a moment... Could it be that your DH is depressed or has another issue of the like going on? And from his prepective he really is trying?

Israel, mom to  DD, Ivy, 4-27-06 :and DS, Kai, 12-29-07 and DD, Lilith 2-1-10 and always remembering Alice fullterm stillborn 08/31/11 (unexplained placental abruption) 

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#24 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 12:24 PM
 
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I have just heard such horror stories about shelters, I really don't feel that is the best option for me. I will talk to them though, and look into my options. Not to mention, he is so UNINVOLVED and uninterested that I rather just deal with his crap for 5 or 10 minutes a day then risk the effect a shelter would have on my kids.

I tried talking to him about it last night - not about leaving just about our problems- and he seemed really upset and said he was trying and I told him that I've seen him try before. Really all he did was make excuses, some of which involved blaming me. He says he does want to spend time with the family but can't figure out how. I don't know whats wrong with him, really. Thanks for all the kind words and support.

We'll see what he is like today, I am going to talk to him about working. I asked my friend if i could stay with her for a bit if I needed, which I didn't want to, but she said yea for a little while. Thanks again.
A shelter saved my life. I didn't stay there, they got me in touch with a lawyer who helped me get a restraining order against my husband and an occupation order which required him to leave the house. They provided play therapy for my sons, a listening ear for me, and so much besides. Please don't make assumptions, give them a chance.

OK, if that's out what happens if you tell him you're getting a job because you want some financial independence?

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#25 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 12:42 PM
 
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Playing devil's advocate here for a moment... Could it be that your DH is depressed or has another issue of the like going on? And from his prepective he really is trying?

I wonder the same thing. OP mentions that things weren't always like this and there had been good times.

Were the times really "good" and something changed? If so, maybe there are mental health issues going on.

Or were those times just better when compared to the current situation? Which leads me to...

OP also mentions her husband's drinking. I would consider peeing in drawers to qaulify as a serious alcohol problem.

Is he still drinking or did he stop? Addiction comes along with lots of undesirable behaviors and in my experience, abuse and control are two biggies.

If he never addressed his other issues, quitting drinking solves very little and in a way, may magnify other issues that formerly hovered below the surface.

Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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#26 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 01:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Playing devil's advocate here for a moment... Could it be that your DH is depressed or has another issue of the like going on? And from his prepective he really is trying?
I really think so, but I don't know what to do if he wont get help for it?? I don't even know that divorce is the answer, but I think we need time apart until he can get himself back to normal.
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#27 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 01:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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A shelter saved my life. I didn't stay there, they got me in touch with a lawyer who helped me get a restraining order against my husband and an occupation order which required him to leave the house. They provided play therapy for my sons, a listening ear for me, and so much besides. Please don't make assumptions, give them a chance.

OK, if that's out what happens if you tell him you're getting a job because you want some financial independence?
It's not the shelter I'm worried about, its the other people staying there. I have no apprehensions about calling them, I just really don't think that going there is better for my children. If I thought it was, I'd go there for sure. If it were just me, I'd probably just up and go, but I have to do what I know is best for them, which makes the issue harder.
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#28 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 01:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wonder the same thing. OP mentions that things weren't always like this and there had been good times.

Were the times really "good" and something changed? If so, maybe there are mental health issues going on.
There were REALLY good times. He has also played a huge role in healing me from my past. This is not the man I married right now. I do think he is depressed or something. Also he hasn't been eating well and his weight it really up, and he's really tired all the time... so I think depression is a possibility.


Quote:
OP also mentions her husband's drinking. I would consider peeing in drawers to qaulify as a serious alcohol problem.

Is he still drinking or did he stop? Addiction comes along with lots of undesirable behaviors and in my experience, abuse and control are two biggies.
He doesn't drink anymore. Sometimes he has the occasional drink with me, but honestly I drink more then he does and he's always very pleasant when he drinks. We drink at home.. it was only when he went out drinking that he got carried away. At the time he had the drinking problem he was really depressed too. And I haven't been a perfect angel to him either, after what happened with my friend and him (which was at the same time as his drinking problem) I was really hurt and I was hurtful back towards him. We got through it, he doesn't drink anymore, but it's definitely not a fully healed situation on my part I must admit. But, anyway, he did stop drinking and it's been about 3 years since that all occurred, so I'm pretty confident it's in the past. his dad is an alcoholic and I know he doesn't want to be like that.

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If he never addressed his other issues, quitting drinking solves very little and in a way, may magnify other issues that formerly hovered below the surface.
this could be it. I know this sounds crazy, but I think he has post partum depression. He always is at his worst after we have a baby...
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#29 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 02:02 PM
 
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Ideally, we could work out our problems, but its been years and the problems keeping coming back and its worse every time.
I have read the whole thread. I think your name should be on the checking account and the house, but other than that this is within the range of normal (crummy, bummer situation end but still) for a family with three kids so close in age and so young on one income. Not good, things need to be worked on, but not anywhere NEAR divorce him time IMO. If you didn't have kids, sure - walk anytime you want. But when you make babies, I think you have a responsibility to work a lot harder to get through the hard times. And raising a 4, 3 and 1 year old - that is tough.

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From what you have described, I would advise you to go to a shelter. Now.
It is so interesting how our personal experiences affect our perception. I read the same words in this thread and thought "definitely can work this out" and someone else reads the same words and thinks "shelter. Now." He threw a toy (she admits not violently; the window breaking was an accident). What else are we basing the shelter rec on?

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There were REALLY good times. He has also played a huge role in healing me from my past. This is not the man I married right now. I do think he is depressed or something. Also he hasn't been eating well and his weight it really up, and he's really tired all the time... so I think depression is a possibility.

He doesn't drink anymore. Sometimes he has the occasional drink with me, but honestly I drink more then he does and he's always very pleasant when he drinks. We drink at home. At the time he had the drinking problem he was really depressed too. And I haven't been a perfect angel to him either, after what happened with my friend and him (which was at the same time as his drinking problem) I was really hurt and I was hurtful back towards him. We got through it, he doesn't drink anymore, but it's definitely not a fully healed situation on my part I must admit. But, anyway, he did stop drinking and it's been about 3 years since that all occurred, so I'm pretty confident it's in the past.

I know this sounds crazy, but I think he has post partum depression. He always is at his worst after we have a baby...
This is the first thing I thought (not PPD but hard after another baby). Three kids so close together is a LOT of stress. He is solely responsible for keeping a roof over your heads. I'd assume you are pretty busy taking care of kids, so no time for each other. You admit you are not fully healed from his cheating (which clearly is wrong on his part - but again, not shelter now worthy IMO).

In your first posts, it sounds like you'd rather be right than happy. You said you weren't going to be nice to him if he isn't nice to you. Someone has to be nice first. I know it is hard when you are mad at him. I've been where you are - really. It can turn around; it really can.
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#30 of 97 Old 07-14-2009, 02:09 PM
 
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Today he told me he needs me to either be nice to him, leave him alone, or for our son to stop being retarded

Okay---tell him that by leaving, and taking the kids with you, that you are "leaving him alone", exactly what he wants. He can't argue with that, can he?

In listening to all of this, I can't help but wonder if he is clinically depressed. The history of alcohol abuse, his increasingly aggravated behavior and disrespect toward you are all signs of depression. (Did he go to rehab, or AA, or did he just stop drinking? If you don't know what a "dry drunk" is, Google it. You can quit drinking, but if you don't deal with the underlying issues that made you drink in the first place, the only thing you did was stop drinking---but you're still a miserable person and nothing has changed.) You say that you married a wonderful man, and what happened to him? Perhaps he is totally stressed out with having to work so much and not being able to do anything he likes to do either. Maybe the finances are bad, and since you don't pay bills or balance the checkbook you don't know about it. You are seeing things from your side of the fence---things may be completely different on his side of the fence. I don't know how long you have been married, but there is truth to things like the "7 year itch"---not that I condone having affairs or anything else---but, it seems that after a certain amount of time both parties become unhappy and unsatisfied with their relationship and marriage, especially when kids come along. When a man is no longer a woman's priority, and suddenly children are, it can make them act very bizarre. Also, when a woman loses her identity and a mother is all she is, and she "loses" her sexuality and her feeling of being "productive" in society, it affects her too---I have seen this A LOT with SAHM. A relationship takes effort and work---that infatuation and passion you had when you first met and got married can't last without some work on both sides. And, as much as we hate it, relationships do change. Maybe he is suffering from major stressors too, and you just don't know about it. Perhaps his coping mechanisms just aren't there and he needs some help---we all need help sometimes. And, as much as I hate to say this---how are you acting in the marriage? Are you kind? Are you patient? You say that you "turn the other cheek", but that doesn't mean that you are being the person that you want him to be, and often we don't see in ourselves what other people see. It sounds like he is very unhappy too--and you need to find out WHY he is miserable. Maybe he is uncomfortable confronting you about something. Maybe he is embarrassed about something. Who knows? There are all kinds of reason that people are unhappy.

HOWEVER---the other things, like having complete control over the money, "lending" you the credit card for groceries, you having to "ask" him for something and then having him buy it for you.......this is a VERY controlling situation, and also a form of abuse. Why should you have to ask him for ANYTHING, unless it is a major purchase like a car or furniture or something? You have to "ask" him to buy you underwear or bras? Makeup? Shoes? These are the very things that a woman needs "mad money" for!! What about stuff for the kids? Do you have to "ask" him to buy clothes and shoes for the kids? I don't know how you do it---I could NEVER live like that. Good Lord---I would freak out, as a matter of fact. NO MAN is going to tell me that I can't buy a new pair of shoes or a tube of mascara!! And, I am certainly not going to ASK him if I can.

I suspect you have "marred" credit......however, if that incident of the bank overdraft happened 5 years ago, you should be able to open a checking account now. Some banks require that you open savings and checking accounts, but 5 years should be enough time. Maybe not for the "big" banks, but there are smaller, regional banks that are not as tough as the "big" banks. There are also other ways to open an account---there are VISA cards that are "secured" that you can open up online. You might bot be able to pay rent with it, but it can act like a checking account if you want to buy something. If you can find one that reports to the 3 major credit bureaus, you can begin re-building your own credit. Having him controlling the credit cards and money is not going to help you build your own credit.

If he really does love you , and wants to make it work and wants to "try", then ask him to help you start building your own credit profile. It has ALWAYS been my own belief that even if you are happily married, in a stable relationship or whatever, you should always maintain your own "independence"---have your own bank accounts, maintain a good credit profile, be able to manage your own "money", whether that be money you make from working or just your own "mad money". You need to maintain some sort of financial independence to feel good about yourself---having someone else controlling every penny you spend is not a good way to live (unless you are completely out of control with money and can't go out with any money in your pocket or else you spend it, and usually on stupid stuff, and then it might be a good idea to have someone "monitoring" the spending). I see women do this pretty often---they leave the financial stuff to their husband, thinking that it is one less stress they have to deal with. However---if you ever have to leave for whatever reason, you are suddenly in a bind with no money or credit cards or any ability to "get away". And, your husband knows you have no money and can't go anywhere. Maybe that is his way of "holding on" to you. And, I don't have any idea what your sexual life is like, and frankly it is none of my business, but think about how he is when it comes to that----and you will quickly be able to see if he is just "controlling" you and manipulating you for his benefit. If it were me, I know that I wouldn't be so willing to have sex with my partner if he was rude and disrespectful to me, mean to my kids or just generally an a**hole all the time. That doesn't make me want to be with someone, and claims of "I love you, I'll try harder, I was just in a bad mood" only go so far and can only be used so many times in the bedroom for him to get what he wants. That kind of stuff doesn't fly with me. However---you need to re-gain some of who you "are", and not be "controlled" and have your identity defined by your husband and your kids.

And, from what I have read, you have "threatened" to leave before---and his "fine, get out" response was based on the fact that he knows he controls the finances and he knows you don't have the means to "get out". Plus---a response like that I assume came during or after a fight. Discussing splitting up is usually one that should be done with a level head---or as level a head as you can have when you are talking about separating, not yelling at one another and threatening to leave and then having the other person yelling "GET OUT"..........that never results in a good situation.

Furthermore (and I am SOO sorry that this has turned out to be such a long-winded post), waiting to see what he is going to be like "today" or "tomorrow" is not the way to live your life either. You want to be able to count on what he is going to be like 20 years from now. Everybody has bad days, too. But--waiting and anticipating what his mood is going to be like is stress inducing in and of itself------I lived with something like that in a relationship. You should not have to wonder what his mood will be on any given day, if he is going to wake up pissed off, sad, happy, whatever.

If you are so miserable that you think there is no hope whatsoever, then the only thing to do is discuss a separation with him---with level heads. Discuss the how's and why's. Talk about WHY you want to leave, and let him say his part too. Maybe if you sit him down and tell him that you want to leave will induce him to talk, because he will be up against the wall, so to speak. And, don't let him say "I'll try". "I'll try" is a lame copout---what is he going to "try" to do, exactly? You need to lay down EXACTLY what you want changed and what you want help with. You need to tell him EXACTLY what behaviors of his make you want to leave him and what behaviors you ABSOLUTELY will not tolerate. You need to tell him what YOU need help with--you posted about "marital pet peeves"---so, nothing speaks faster than not having clothes to wear because the clothes did not get into the hamper. Your job is not to pick his clothes up off the floor, his job is to make sure he gets his dirty clothes into the hamper. Your job is not turning his clothes right-side-in, that is his job to make sure his clothes are put on the right way and not backwards. NOTHING speaks louder than actions. Acting like a maid is not your job either. Being a SAHM to 3 young children is a lot of work---you don't need a husband that is a child too. My policy is that I say something once, and if he doesn't listen, I tell him once more in a more forceful way. After that, if the behavior doesn't change, then MY behavior changes!! No more picking his clothes up off the floor to wash them--they stay on the floor, and when he has no more clean clothes to wear then he will put them in the hamper--and when he asks why he doesn't have clean clothes, then you say "Well, there were no dirty clothes in the hamper to wash". When he gets sick of turning his clothes from inside out to the right way, he will learn to not put them in the hamper inside out.

He needs to get to the bottom of why he is so unhappy and he needs to deal with it and cope with it in healthy manner, whether that means counseling, seeing a psychiatrist, whatever. Having 3 young children is tough--it is tough on a marriage, it is tough on the people themselves, it is it's own stress. But one thing is for sure---you are not his whipping post, and he has no right to take his misery out on you. AND YOU NEED TO BE STRAIGHT WITH HIM AND TELL HIM THIS FLAT OUT. But, you can't just tell him---your actions need to support your statements. Set up something where you can stay with a friend, and when he starts his crap, pick yourself up, pick your kids up, pack a bag with clothes and whatever the kids need (or have one already pre-packed so you don't waste time), take the car keys and go to your friend's house. Don't say anything like "I'm leaving" or anything like that. Just get up and go. When you don't come back to make him dinner, and then don't come back at night, then perhaps that will make him think about what he did to force you to leave, and your statements will now have actions to back them up.

Again. I'm sorry this is so long, but it's hard to make things quick sometimes (and I am pretty long-winded anyway.......LOL)
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