grandparent issues... - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 31 Old 07-17-2009, 03:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
leaveit2beeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: amish country, pa
Posts: 219
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sometimes I feel like I didn't get what was 'advertised'. My FIL and MIL (divorced and each single) carried on and on before and during pregnancy that they couldn't wait for a grandchild. 17 months later, I find myself pleading and bargaining with them for basic childcare duties! I find myself looking longingly at other older folks out with children and I'm starting to feel, well, resentment. It's horrible. I just feel like they aren't holding up their end of the bargain, you know? Being a SAHM for 11-12 hours a day on my own is really catching up with me...and I feel like I have no safety net, even though my IL's are each less than 20 minutes away. (And see, now I feel like I'm tearing them apart! They aren't horrible mean people...just kind of...not...what I need them to be...)

I guess it's hard for me to swallow, not having my own parents to depend on.

Anyone else struggle with these feelings? Some days, especially by Friday, it just gets overwhelming.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I needed it.

Since '05 just me and B, but in 2/08 E made three!
leaveit2beeker is offline  
#2 of 31 Old 07-17-2009, 03:46 PM
 
isign's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I understand how you feel. My own mother who lives roughly 30 minutes away will not take DS - almost 2 - unless I beg. They will take my niece, and have her during my brother's visitation time (he's out of state). It's so frustrating, because, like you, I'm alone with them 11 to 12 hours. I just want to pull my hair out and scream it's not fair.
isign is offline  
#3 of 31 Old 07-17-2009, 06:12 PM
 
newbymom05's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,634
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm with ya in : and . My ILs are 3000 miles away, but it doesn't matter b/c even when they visit they're completely checked out. On their last visit my 4 y/o asked "Where's Dad? You know, the man with the tie." Um, that's your grandfather, darling. I"m definitely resentful, it's hard not to be. What can you do. But you know, his father was always distant and uninvolved w/ his OWN children so it's little surprise he isn't involved with ours.

I don't get any help either other than my DH and I agree 100%, it's hard sometimes.
newbymom05 is offline  
#4 of 31 Old 07-17-2009, 06:27 PM
srs
 
srs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 678
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I remember feeling disappointed when my MIL (who lived 30 minutes away at the time) spent my entire pregnancy talking about how involved she was going to be, and then after the baby was born I barely saw her. Can your DH get involved? Sometimes it's hard to talk to inlaws, depending on your relationship. In my case, I pretty much just let go any idea that she was going to help, and that helped in and of itself.

DD 04/07 DS 12/09
srs is offline  
#5 of 31 Old 07-17-2009, 09:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
leaveit2beeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: amish country, pa
Posts: 219
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You know, I vent to my SO probably more than I should...I'm sure it comes across as me dogging his mother. But he's wondered out loud more than once, "Why can't they just be NORMAL?"

Sometimes, it's just really hard to accept that no amount of pissin' and moanin' to and about them is going to change anything!!

But I still have unresolved feelings, like I'm cheating my ds. I grew up without grandparents (and parents, for the most part) and it was really hard. While I knew the extended family situation would be a wee bit more difficult in our case, I never dreamt it'd be practically impossible. I just wish I could give him more, you know?

Ugh, enough pity party for a Friday night...have a great weekend ladies!

Since '05 just me and B, but in 2/08 E made three!
leaveit2beeker is offline  
#6 of 31 Old 07-17-2009, 10:03 PM
 
philomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9,430
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
My in-laws live far away ..in a state that I and my hubby loathe. I would get the little kids there after a long 12 hour car ride and the in-laws would just plop my kids in front of the tv. Sick. I drove them 1200 miles to see you for this?

You can't re-make folks. I've tried. Just take a deep breath and deal.
philomom is offline  
#7 of 31 Old 07-17-2009, 10:10 PM
 
mkarntz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 204
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know how you feel! my mom died when i was pg with my second son, and my MIL she is involved with everyone elses kids but me and DH's. I get so jealous when I see grandmas at the parks with there grandkids, or playgroups or whatever. I so wish I had help
mkarntz is offline  
#8 of 31 Old 07-18-2009, 01:23 AM
 
madsommer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 510
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Maybe they aren't sure what to do with a child that young? That would be my main guess.

My MIL is the same way. They live about 20 minutes away and see DS maybe once a month - and that's because we invite ourselves over. Yet when we do finally see them, she complains about how she never gets to see him. Anywho...

I agree with maybe asking your DH to help you out. Have you considered a mother's helper? Or finding an inexpensive babysitter that you can use for a couple of hours? What about friends? Even an hour can be totally refreshing. Are you getting enough sleep? I know that when I'm well rested, things go much more smoothly and I'm able to handle the challenges much more easily... I hope you find something that works out for your family!

SAHM to DS 12/29/07 and DD 9/15/10 smile.gif
madsommer is offline  
#9 of 31 Old 07-18-2009, 08:16 AM
 
Mirichka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 45
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I totally understand your frustration. Before my son was born, my parents were so excited, "Oh we can't wait to be grandparents..." I live a km, a little over a half of a mile from them and the only time my son sees them is if and when I take him over to see them. I have invited them over many times and have said, "Your grandson would love to see you." Even then, much of the time they are 'checked out'. One of my ways of coping with my disappointment is by practicing to erase any expectations that they would be involved grandparents and promise myself to be there for my own.
My husband and I have also decided that we need to move away from my parent's neighborhood to alleviate some of the frustration over their lack of involvement--maybe the distance will reduce our upset over their disinterest in their grandbaby. I don't expect a move would inspire more involvement on their part, but at least the space would excuse them a bit more. I wish there were some grandmothers/fathers reading these posts--I would love to hear from their perspective what it's like being involved, not being involved...
Mirichka is offline  
#10 of 31 Old 07-18-2009, 08:18 PM
 
borbonmamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 44
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
There's this saying Latino saying, it may be a little bit insulting. But I've notice that to some extent it's true. Unleast with my parents and their relationship with my brother's daughters. Which is none, considering that they live 5 minutes away from eachother.
It goes "Children of my daughters my grandchildren, children of my sons, who knows?"

My inlaws for that matter, we live in the same city and they see the kids twice a month
It was the samething when I was a child, I had a lot of contact with my maternal grandparents but not with my paternal ones.

Lorna, mommy to Leonor & Leonardo (31/10/01) and Riccardo (14/11/07), wife to Ignacio (98')
borbonmamma is offline  
#11 of 31 Old 07-19-2009, 02:18 AM
 
mamaluvspirates's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 75
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My MIL is like this...she just has no interest, but it was the same for my husband when he was little. It's as if she had kids because she thought it was expected of her, not because she wanted to actually have them, KWIM?

But if your parents/ILs aren't participating...do you really want your kids to be left alone with them? I don't think I would want someone looking after my kids, if they really didn't want to partake. I think my kids would be better off without them, but that's just my take.

I have 3 kids! : Lookit them go!!!
mamaluvspirates is offline  
#12 of 31 Old 07-19-2009, 12:53 PM
 
jeteaa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Out there
Posts: 908
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaluvspirates View Post
But if your parents/ILs aren't participating...do you really want your kids to be left alone with them? I don't think I would want someone looking after my kids, if they really didn't want to partake. I think my kids would be better off without them, but that's just my take.
I agree. Also, I am a parent who firmly belives that GP don't owe us anything and nor are they entitled to our dc. By relation, there is potential for a special relationship, but if that relation is not enough, then it just was not meant to be. I think you just have to let go of your expectation that they owe you childcare.
grumpybear likes this.
jeteaa is online now  
#13 of 31 Old 07-19-2009, 02:11 PM
 
TinkerBelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 3,586
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by borbonmamma View Post
There's this saying Latino saying, it may be a little bit insulting. But I've notice that to some extent it's true. Unleast with my parents and their relationship with my brother's daughters. Which is none, considering that they live 5 minutes away from eachother.
It goes "Children of my daughters my grandchildren, children of my sons, who knows?"


My inlaws for that matter, we live in the same city and they see the kids twice a month
It was the samething when I was a child, I had a lot of contact with my maternal grandparents but not with my paternal ones.
I am not fussing at you, but that line of thinking is disgusting. It really is.

I mean, I am the mother of 3 boys, all from my DH, and if my inlaws ever acted like that, I would tell them not to bother expecting us for holidays, etc.

If you refuse to act like a grandparent to ALL of your grandkids, you should not expect the ones you snub to have anything to with you when you want.
TinkerBelle is offline  
#14 of 31 Old 07-19-2009, 02:33 PM
 
amaayeh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: N. California
Posts: 821
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry you are going through this with your in-laws. I feel very similar to you. My in-laws went on and on about 'when are you going to have a baby?' and at that point I was far from ready. When we finally did get pregnant, they acted sort of excited, but mostly liked the attention others were heaping upon *them* for becoming grandparents. Then, what do you know? They moved from being 3 hours away to being literally half-way across the world. They could care less about being involved with the kids and don't even both to send them cards, gifts, phone calls or anything on a bday. After this, when I wouldn't let my MIL be at the birth of my second child, she had the gall to be mad at me!

Anyway, I do often feel cheated. My parents could care less about the kids, too, but then again, they weren't involved with me when I was little. I have no one to take the load when I'm needing a break. I can rationalize all day long that other people do it and other people have less than me, etc., but it doesn't make it any easier on me. It's really difficult to be a SAHM all the time and even more difficult when dh travels for work, works all of the time, isn't involved like he should be, etc.

The advice I received from my aunt is that you have to make your own family. Blood does not make parents, grandparents, etc. Try to find some way to build relationships with other people that do want to be involved and have a relationship with you. It is possible because I had that with my neighbors before we moved. Good luck to you and try to keep your head up.

Andrea fly-by-nursing2.gif - Mommy to DD1 ('05), DD2 ('08), DD3 (6/17/11) cd.gif homebirth.jpg

amaayeh is offline  
#15 of 31 Old 07-19-2009, 05:44 PM
 
sapientia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: TN
Posts: 2,239
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I feel ya. My parents had nothing to do with my kids, even when we lived 2 minutes from them-not interested in bday parties, or seeing them. So we moved. They didn't speak to us for a couple years, (they were thrilled to have an excuse) my dad died and we are back a few miles from my mom and she has nothing to do with the kids as usual.
It used to destroy me, eat me up, till I really looked at who they were (are) and realized I wouldn't want them in my kids lives anyway. They were lousy parents-I wouldn't want them influencing my children.
My mom and I are speaking terms-a little more amicable, but she has never, in 15 years, ever babysat or spent alone time with my kids. Ever.
I had to grieve, and I had to let it go. ((hugs))

Wife, mom to 6 great kids!...avid crafter, music lover,  reader, gardener!

 

homeschool.gif h20homebirth.gif novaxnocirc.gif homebirth.jpg

 

sapientia is offline  
#16 of 31 Old 07-19-2009, 06:00 PM
 
ExuberantDaffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: The groin of the USA.
Posts: 5,377
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dad wasn't involved in my son's life until my son was old enough to carry on a conversation and run errands with Grandpa. My dad simply didn't feel comfortable with a baby or a toddler. I was disappointed, to say the least, when my son was younger, but now that the two can go do stuff together, I see it was really my dad just feeling uncomfortable with a younger child. My sister's kids are younger than my son, and my dad barely sees them (we all live in the same town). My sister doesn't think it is fair that my dad will spend time with my son but not her kids, but when my son was their age, my dad ignored him, too. I try to tell my sister not to take it too personally. Yeah, it may not be right, but sometimes you have to meet people where they are, mentally, emotionally and physically.

My IL's don't take my son without me at all. They love him and enjoy being around him, but it's only as a family. My MIL did mention that she would love to watch the baby when she gets here, and we'll see how all that goes.

Wifey to Hubby, Mama to Boy (2004) and Girl (2009). 
ExuberantDaffodil is offline  
#17 of 31 Old 07-19-2009, 10:03 PM
 
CatsCradle's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York City
Posts: 2,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This thread should be in "Parenting" because it applies to all of us (WOH, SAH, WAH moms).

That being said, my parents are absent from DD's life except on major holidays. They don't feel it is their responsibility to be there for us and I don't ask them. It is just the way it is with our family dynamic. Lots of people of my parents' generation feel that they raised their own kids...now it is time for "them time." I don't begrudge them of that. I just wish that we had more of a "village" attitude concerning child-rearing. Generation upon generation in our history has depended on extended family for help. Now, we must do it all alone. That seems unnatural to me.
transylvania_mom likes this.

"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." Charles Lamb.
CatsCradle is offline  
#18 of 31 Old 07-19-2009, 10:48 PM
 
Eman'smom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 6,150
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You can't make someone care if they don't.

They also don't have "child care duties" and there is no end of the deal for them to hold up. That is the beauty of being a grand parent. My MIL has basically nothing to do with my kids and my mother tries but really falls short. It's hard and hurtful when you realize that they aren't the people you thought they were.

Mom to ds 9 dd 7 : and dd 3/08 : if I can I go to
Eman'smom is offline  
#19 of 31 Old 07-19-2009, 11:44 PM
 
mkarntz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 204
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by borbonmamma View Post
There's this saying Latino saying, it may be a little bit insulting. But I've notice that to some extent it's true. Unleast with my parents and their relationship with my brother's daughters. Which is none, considering that they live 5 minutes away from eachother.
It goes "Children of my daughters my grandchildren, children of my sons, who knows?"

My inlaws for that matter, we live in the same city and they see the kids twice a month
It was the samething when I was a child, I had a lot of contact with my maternal grandparents but not with my paternal ones.
I totally agree with this, my MIL is really close with her daughters kids, but not close with mine at all. I swear though, when my ds and dd have kids I will treat my grandchildren equally.
mkarntz is offline  
#20 of 31 Old 07-20-2009, 02:16 AM
 
borbonmamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 44
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
I am not fussing at you, but that line of thinking is disgusting. It really is.
It's just a saying, it doesnt mean that I think like that.

Lorna, mommy to Leonor & Leonardo (31/10/01) and Riccardo (14/11/07), wife to Ignacio (98')
borbonmamma is offline  
#21 of 31 Old 07-21-2012, 10:18 AM
 
Texayn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
St my opinion.Okay ladies. I am on the other side being a brand new Grandma and have dealt with these feelings of resentment from my daughter. She is a single 22 yr old mom. he is only 11 weeks old. Have you taken in to consideration what they may be going on in their lives that may keep them from more time with your child? For me, I work 10-12 hours a day and still have 2 teenage boys at home and my plate is full. I have worked long and hard raising my children and now its your turn to raise yours. As Grandparents we now get the fun part of the spoiling and then giving them backto you. It is not the Grandparents role, or at least it shouldn't be, to "help" you raise your children. It is exhausting and also the most rewarding thing you'll ever do. My grandson will know how much I love him as I will be there for him but I am not a built in babysitter for my daughter and for anyone to resent that I continue to live my life is, well, self centered. You made the Choice to start your family, not your parents. Accept the love they will give whole heartedly with no strings attached. I look forward to him getting older and I will be able to see and do more with him but it will be on my terms.
Tapioca, grumpybear and tropicana like this.
Texayn is offline  
#22 of 31 Old 07-21-2012, 08:48 PM
 
Smithie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,528
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Both my parents and my ILs are very good grandparents - though in both cases, it's the grandmothers who are more hands-on with infant children. They've never provided regular childcare (we've never needed it), but they provide occasional care.

This is my big thing with grandparent care - it's the only way to establish a close relationship with a young child. Meeting a little kid's needs is how you earn their love and trust. Now that my older kids are beyond that stage, the time they spend with their grandparents is more like a visit than a babysitting stint - but if the initial caregiver relationship hadn't been established, they wouldn't WANT to visit. They wouldn't know and love their grandparents on their own terms - they would just be old people who Daddy and I loved.
tropicana likes this.
Smithie is offline  
#23 of 31 Old 07-21-2012, 09:10 PM
 
tropicana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 503
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

i think Texyan and Smithie both have intelligent thoughts on this matter.

the sooner you let go of "expectations" of other people, the sooner you will be able to appreciate the good things, rather than resenting the not-so-good. they are YOUR children; ANY help you get is a "bonus," not a regular thing to be expected.

that said, it is the GRANDPARENTS who are missing out! if they don't like to visit with the little ones. not to be doing daily babysitting or child care for free. but to have some nice long visits on a regular basis, and to be helpful to you on occasion, because they remember (all too well) how hard it is to raise up little kids...

tropicana is offline  
#24 of 31 Old 07-22-2012, 05:19 AM
 
proudMoMmy2634's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 154
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

whistling.gifDont know what to say,..mine is the same ..LOL but hope my Mom would change after being remarried.smile.gif


Living is great but being a MOM is even better

proudMoMmy2634 is offline  
#25 of 31 Old 07-22-2012, 06:04 AM
 
pek64's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,502
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had similar problems. After 5 years of marriage and being asked often by my in-laws when we were going to give them a grandchild, when we finally did decide to have a baby, they acting uninterested. My own mother suggested I have an abortion, and my father had no comment. I was disappointed, to say the least. It never got better. In fact, it went downhill from there.
pek64 is offline  
#26 of 31 Old 07-22-2012, 10:46 AM
 
Mummoth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 3,466
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I agree with Texayn. My mom likes watching the kids and giving us a break while we have an occasional night out, she's not an every week babysitter. She's an almost-every week dropper-inner for coffee and a visit, though. She loves the kids and wants to be the fun grandma who lets them get away with murder, not the grandma who has to be a disciplinarian because she's responsible for them for a significant enough amount of time that spoiling them would actually spoil them. I think her terms are pretty good, actually!


~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

Mummoth is offline  
#27 of 31 Old 07-22-2012, 11:30 AM
 
Tapioca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Burnaby, BC
Posts: 782
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Unfortunately, i think the 'it takes a village' mindset doesn't work so well in our modern world, where there is more emphasis on the individual than the community.  

 

I agree with PP that you need to let go of any expecations of your parents.  My father basically acts like my daughter doesn't exist, but both parents are on the other side of the world so it doesn't really matter.  DH's parents are much more involved, but he comes from a close-knit family.  I'm grateful for what help we get - I know we're very lucky.  There are lots of people who have none, like the OP.

Tapioca is offline  
#28 of 31 Old 07-22-2012, 02:37 PM
 
grumpybear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 918
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by leaveit2beeker View Post

Sometimes I feel like I didn't get what was 'advertised'. My FIL and MIL (divorced and each single) carried on and on before and during pregnancy that they couldn't wait for a grandchild. 17 months later, I find myself pleading and bargaining with them for basic childcare duties! I find myself looking longingly at other older folks out with children and I'm starting to feel, well, resentment. It's horrible. I just feel like they aren't holding up their end of the bargain, you know? Being a SAHM for 11-12 hours a day on my own is really catching up with me...and I feel like I have no safety net, even though my IL's are each less than 20 minutes away. (And see, now I feel like I'm tearing them apart! They aren't horrible mean people...just kind of...not...what I need them to be...)

I guess it's hard for me to swallow, not having my own parents to depend on.

Anyone else struggle with these feelings? Some days, especially by Friday, it just gets overwhelming.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I needed it.

I understand what you mean about being all spent especially by Friday. But I also don't have any expectations that other people (ie grandparents) provide basic childcare duties so I don't have that resentment on top of the exhaustion.

My line of thinking is, my child(ren), my responsibilty (along with DH, of course). If anyone offers to help, that's a bonus.

 

In order to recharge, is it possible for your husband to take over childcare duties one night a week or one day a week (on the weekend) and you can get together with girlfriends just so you can have some "me" time?

 

I really do think that it is unfair to put the onus of childcare relief on the grandparents.

grumpybear is offline  
#29 of 31 Old 07-22-2012, 08:58 PM
 
MrsGregory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: The 'burbs of Central Texas.
Posts: 1,030
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

leaveit2beeker, I can relate.  My husband's mother just couldn't go on long enough or loud enough about wanting grandchildren, or how upset she was when we moved far away (from both our families) that she wouldn't be close when the grandkids came.  Now her granddaughter is here, and her effort is minimal.  I have to remember not to gripe to my husband about it, because it truly hurts him, and I have to remember not to gripe to my mother about it, because my mother does not encourage me to do better, but rather takes the bad ball and runs with it.  I'm trying to let go of my expectations, but it's hard.  It doesn't help that MIL and I did not get off on a good note.  To me, this is "just one more thing".  In contrast, my family has been all over this baby, and can't do enough for her, even from a distance.  It's very frustrating to see the differences.  Even worse, MIL has a grandchild living with her (the mother of the grandchild, MIL's daughter, has returned home under less than good circumstances) and that grandchild receives all kids of attention.  I just keep reminding myself to do my due and move on.  But it's hard.  I want to defend my daughter.  I want her grandmother to treat her the way she deserves to be treated by all of her grandparents.


lovestory.gif   And on 09/23/2011, we were three;  husband, daughter, and me!

MrsGregory is offline  
#30 of 31 Old 07-23-2012, 08:55 PM
 
Choose2Reuse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 185
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Is it possible that they're scared of being alone with your kids?  Or will get worn out after an hour or so?  I know my mom--who after some initial reservations is super happy being a gramma, and now that we live relatively close by will drop in at least once a week to see DD--will gleefully claim DD for "gramma time," but only as a "mama's helper."  That means that she will play with, soothe, etc. DD for a while, but any feeding, diapering and major-meltdown-defusing duties go back to me; and furthermore, that she expects me to be within a couple minutes' walk at all times (eg. I can walk to the apartment workout room, but can't drive to the grocery store).  My DD is pretty intense, and I completely understand that it would be too much to give her to my mom and leave. 

 

On the other hand, an hour of "mama's helper" time goes a long way to let me make a snack and a cup of tea, work out, do some chores, go to the doctor (they come along) or whatever...  It's worth asking your parents if they'd be willing to play with the baby like this just to give you a break!  It's less scary for them and they know it'll be over after a short period of time (before they get worn out or baby gets too bored), and you're there to rescue them if they need it.  And seriously, knowing that somebody else will amuse the kidlet for an hour is such a great break, even if you're just in the next room (or in the same room, to get some adult conversation... :) ).

 

Another thing we did is that my mom played with DD with me there a bunch at first...over time I would go out of the room more and more.  Now DD is fine with her for an hour, as long as she's not hungry.  Going gradually built confidence for both my mom and DD that they could do without me.
 


Mom to the wacky and wonderful Kalyani (August 2011) femalesling.GIF

Choose2Reuse is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off