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I find it really hard not to judge other parents

4K views 70 replies 63 participants last post by  Harmony08 
#1 ·
I find it really hard not to be judgy or at the very least, be saddened by, other peoples parenting choices (and birth choices too)

I just got on facebook and saw that a friend from highschool (not one I'm close with at all) had her baby a few days ago. She had a c-section at 38 weeks because the baby was 'going to be big'....her DD was born at just shy of 7lbs. And then many of the pictures include her feeding the LO with the prepackaged Enfamil bottles.
I know that formula feeding is not the end of the world and doesn't mean you'll be a bad parent by any means. But I still saddens me.


SIL is pregnant right now. She's 19 and not at all ready for a family (her own words), financially or emotionally. She's already said that she doesn't want to BF because it makes your boobs look bad
(and yet she'll barely be able to afford formula). I have a feeling that she'll be more than ok with a intervention-loaded hospital birth and I have no idea what my reaction will be if she chooses certain parenting practices that I consider to be abusive (although mainstream parenting is much more welcoming of them--i.e. CIO)

I feel horrible because I don't even really talk to the girl from highschool and I'm judging her--and SIL isn't even out of the first tri and I'm judging her. But I don't really know how to stop those thoughts from popping up. And as one who is a bit crunchier-than-normal, I really don't want others judging me.

Has anyone found a way to curb this habit? Or at least is there anyone willing to say "I do this too" so I don't feel so bad?
 
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#2 ·
I don't have any advice for you, but I totally do this too (as a matter of fact, am doing it right now as I listen to my neighbor's kid (4 houses down!) screaming at the top of his lungs crying out for mommy and daddy - this has been going on for the past 20 minutes. I'm guessing they're doing CIO but really have no way of knowing what's going on, but here I am judging them anyway).

DH always (nicely) gives me a hard time when I say something judgemental, so I've stopped saying things to him, but that doesn't stop me from thinking stuff.

I think we just have to try and remember that everyone is doing the best that they possibly can for their kids. Unfortunately, my "judginess" prevents me from offering genuine advice to my friends, since it wouldn't be coming from a place of truly wanting to help them, but rather would be me thinking that I'm better than them - I'm sure that they would pick up on my underlying thoughts/feelings.

So yeah, I would love to hear some advice from others on how to stop being like this!!
 
#3 ·
I see you have only one child who is still very young. I think you'll get to be less judgmental with time. Although I have breastfed all four of my babies 100% - no bottles, no formula, no pacifiers at all - I still have done things that I would not consider ideal parenting. It happens to ALL of us, and I wouldn't want another parent judging me...because I'm doing the best I can with what I have and what I know. And for the most part, every other parent is, too. So the way I stop the judging is to think that other parents are doing the best they can with their own situation. I'm not perfect, and neither are they.
 
#4 ·
I'm judgy.

I used to try and reason it out, but man, that takes too much effort. I think that's why people like Mother Theresa and Ghandi were so quiet...it takes a lot of thought to wrap your mind around things that just don't make logical sense (like CIO, scheduled feeding, etc.)

So I accept I'm no Mother Theresa and think to myself how sad that people don't have common sense. Then I move on with my day because other than that thought I don't have the extra energy to parent anyone else's kids.
 
#5 ·
We're all going to be bothered by other people's parenting choices at one time or another. Personally, I think it's perfectly okay to have those thoughts - and I freely admit that I have them sometimes too. It's what we do with those thoughts that counts.

I try really hard to offer advice only when requested. Any advice I do give is given from a loving place and with the understanding that the recipient may or may not take it to heart. And I avoid parenting topics that I know will put a wedge in my friendship with another person. I may not agree with the person, but I still care enough about them to be considerate of their feelings and respectful of their beliefs.
 
#6 ·
Truth be known, they are judging you too. You see, everyone thinks that thier way of doing things is right so if anyone does something different than you (general you not directed at anyone) they are obviously doing something wrong.


Anyway, it's perfectly ok to have these thoughts in private but I choose to keep my opinions of other people's parenting choices to myself and I expect them to do the same.
 
#7 ·
I found the more truly experienced parent I became, the more compassionate towards other parents I became.

Truly, having two kids so close together will really up your compassion quota, most likely.

You will discover in a really up close and personal way how different children are, which if you really want to work on yourself as well you can learn to apply towards adults as well.

I don't think anyone is *naturally* compassionate. Nor were Ghandi and Theresa perfect people. Sometimes they'd get pissed and angry and irritated like everyone else.

Perhaps the difference though is that they guarded their words towards others carefully. That IS a very difficult skill to master, even with your own children (who will most likely be able to provoke you to greater rage than ANYTHING another parent is witlessly doing, not counting abuse and murder).

Everyone finds it really hard not to judge. I think everyone winces internally when others make choices that they find repugnant. Disagreeing, or internally shaking your head isn't what makes someone an ass. It's when you open your mouth on the fly and shoot arrows at people (that you can't call back) that you engage your rear end first.

And you'll do that too, on occasion.

You're not perfectly perfect now, nor will you be. So don't worry about how to become even better than those other people, just try to be kind and choose to be compassionate, and you'll do okay. And you might even learn something and/or actually BECOME more compassionate along the way.
Or if not, at least you won't become One Of Those Cluelessly Hurtful People that people run to message boards and complain about.
At least not often!
 
#8 ·
When you make well thought out choices - about anything, in this case parenting - it is hard not to look critically at what others are doing. My mom can look at a situation, assume the worst and then be really critical - and I picked that up. Recognizing that it isn't a positive thing to do, and remembering how much I dislike being judged, I have tried really hard to stop myself. It is very hard, though.

One of my guiding beliefs as a parent is that I assume a child is doing the best that they can with what they have in the moment. As I started looking at myself, and talking about parenting stuff with other mom friends, I realized that it is a good principle to apply to other parents as well! We can never know everything that went into a person's decision to parent the way they do, and so, therefor we shouldn't judge it. As I have tried to really truly believe that, it has become easier to not judge others parenting decisions (unless it is abuse or neglect, but that is different than a difference in parenting style). For example, I will not be able to breast feed anymore children that I have. I breast fed my son until he was two years and believe strongly in breast feeding. When my son was 2.5, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had mastectomy. So, when someone sees me bottle feeding a newborn, it would be easy to assume whatever - but there is a really valid reason for my bottle feeding - most people just don't know it. Also, people who have experienced sexual abuse in their past can have a really hard time with breast feeding. Or a good friend of mine who was severally physically abused as a child - she will spank her kids every once in a while with one slap on the bottom. I don't agree with it, but seeing where she came from and what her parenting example was, she is doing a lot better than one would expect (and in many, many ways, she is a great mom). I can think of a number of other parenting situations that at first glance I would have (or did!) judged, but after learning more, feel there is no way I could judge them. Sooo, I guess I have learned that people do make choices that aren't what I would choose, but I also recognize that I don't know everything that went into that parenting decision. And because I don't know that, I try to be gentle with them and assume that given their experience, their emotional state, their parenting example, their available resources (emotional, financial, etc), and whatever else, they are doing the best they can at the time.
 
#9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
I found the more truly experienced parent I became, the more compassionate towards other parents I became.

Truly, having two kids so close together will really up your compassion quota, most likely.

You will discover in a really up close and personal way how different children are, which if you really want to work on yourself as well you can learn to apply towards adults as well.

I don't think anyone is *naturally* compassionate. Nor were Ghandi and Theresa perfect people. Sometimes they'd get pissed and angry and irritated like everyone else.

Perhaps the difference though is that they guarded their words towards others carefully. That IS a very difficult skill to master, even with your own children (who will most likely be able to provoke you to greater rage than ANYTHING another parent is witlessly doing, not counting abuse and murder).

Everyone finds it really hard not to judge. I think everyone winces internally when others make choices that they find repugnant. Disagreeing, or internally shaking your head isn't what makes someone an ass. It's when you open your mouth on the fly and shoot arrows at people (that you can't call back) that you engage your rear end first.

And you'll do that too, on occasion.

You're not perfectly perfect now, nor will you be. So don't worry about how to become even better than those other people, just try to be kind and choose to be compassionate, and you'll do okay. And you might even learn something and/or actually BECOME more compassionate along the way.
Or if not, at least you won't become One Of Those Cluelessly Hurtful People that people run to message boards and complain about.
At least not often!
Beautiful post, Tigerchild. ITA!
 
#10 ·
Think of this- A lot of people don't agree with a lot of the ideas we talk about here on these boards. EVEN some doctors think some of the advice is wrong. Do you like it when THEY judge YOUR actions? I look at it this way- there are no clear instructions on parenting. Different things work for different people and children.. the ONE thing that makes a happy child is LOVE and SECURITY. Those are the most important.
:
 
#11 ·
I have a really hard time with judging. I feel so many parenting decisions people make - ones that are considering acceptable by the mainstream - are hurtful to children. These children grow up and become dysfunctional adults who live the rest of their lives with the pain of their childhood. They were never given a choice, they were just kids - sweet, innocent children. Some of these adults become people with power in our society who then make decisions that end up hurting our community as a whole. And all of this starts when they are children.

So yes, I judge, but I rarely speak up because it's a useless discussion. Too many people parent with the intention to reinforce that the way THEY were parented was okay (I was spanked and I'm okay, I was given time outs an I'm okay, and so on....). I also know that ultimately the only thing I have power over is ME and my decisions as a parent. I work hard to maintain my values as a parent.
 
#12 ·
I truly try hard not to judge - to acknowledge that I don't know the whole story. But I find that often just by my actions being different than those around me (ie. bfing, not cio, etc.) they assume I am judging them.

But as others have said, they're judging me as well.

In the end it's not the internal judgement that matters but what you do with that judgement. Usually keeping it to yourself is the safest bet.
 
#13 ·
I try not to judge. I think that just becuase they have other parenting choices, doesn't mean that they are doing it wrong. Or that their parenting is horrible.
I make mistakes too, and sometimes I think that I'm not doing a good job with my AP parenting.
Just becuase it's right for me, doesn't mean it's going to be right for everyone else.

Mainstream is not hurtful for children imo. And I don't have the right to think that way.
Mind you, my brother and I were raised in a very mainstream way and we turn out just fine.
 
#14 ·
I try not to judge peoples choices as a parent. Unless you are in their shoes you really have no idea what choices you would make, most people like to assume that they know, but they just dont. I for one hope that none of my friends judge me, i know i have made plenty of mistakes as a parent, and some where out of ignorance and some out of being lazy, or confused, or misled.

I try not to judge people, but to get frustrated with society instead, that most of those things are just the "norm" in today's world. I i feel so sad that they and their child have been jipped out of such wonderful experiences and bonding.

But im pretty sure that most mothers, do not purposefully ever make decisions that will effect their child in a negative light. We should all try to remember that, That we are all mothers, and that we all love our children, and that we ALL get lost at some pont along the way. And that when we do get lost, sometimes it takes a person full of love and understanding to help us get back on track. Those that stare and judge only hurt.

Well thats the rule i try to live by at least.
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuamami View Post
Beautiful post, Tigerchild. ITA!
Darnit, *I* was going to
: Tigerchild.


Great post. I especially agree about having two upping the compassion quotient.
 
#16 ·
I've come to find that many people who make these decisions (ones that we here at MDC aren't fond of) are overwhelmingly under supported, intimidated or afraid, and often at the end of what they see as their options. They are sometimes pressured by community or family. They sometimes don't even know there is an option. That doesn't make me better than them.

On Passover, we tell the story of the 4 sons (not totally PC in the "story" form, but they are symbolic). The "wise child" who asks just the right question to get just the right answer. The "wicked child" who sees himself as so different from the community and doesn't relate that things apply to him too, one "simple child" who asks general questions but is not really committed (yet?), and the one who doesn't even know enough to ask so is silent. We are, at some point, all of these "children", sometimes by the nature of things and sometimes even by choice. And we need to understand that in parenting, others are as well. Its not usually "good or bad" (even the wise and the wicked child are more nuanced than that)... There are many ways people see things... if they even know what they are looking at. We are all in different places with different issues at different times.

And, in a practical way, the older your kids get, the more crow you will eat. It is just a fact. And with each bite, you will be able to imagine yourself on the "other side" just a bit and see that what seperates "us from them" is not so much.
 
#17 ·
I can't - and won't - stop judging people. It's my way of analyzing the world around me.

What I've learned, though, is to just STFU.

If I don't like something, I say nothing. I went to a meeting where everyone was giving advice about a guy Ferberizing his 5mo baby. He was having a tough time (Of course he was, it's abuse in my mind!
), and I just sat there, quietly. When the conversation wound down, I said ...and if it doesn't work, just take comfort knowing that neither my 13mo DS or I sleep through the night yet - and I'm 24!" It helped get us on another topic, and made me feel ok that I wasn't just being "silently approving" of Ferberization.

I try to either say nothing or find kind, non-confrontational ways of showing my disagreement (like above), and I try to never take it personally if someone asks for advice and doesn't take it. I haven't taken all the advice I've been given, so I can't expect it of others.
 
#18 ·
In our minds we all judge and we have all been judged. It is how we are able to process our own decisions in life and decide what we believe is good and bad or neutral. It doesn't make you a bad person unless you start walking around spouting off about your "superior" ideals of child rearing. Through the centuries and around the world there are thousands of different child rearing decisions that have been made and mostly they all work. So take pride in the quality choices you are making and raise your kids to the best of your ability. But don't offer unsolicited advice...and don't let differences tear you too far apart from others.
 
#19 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple Sage View Post
I see you have only one child who is still very young. I think you'll get to be less judgmental with time. Although I have breastfed all four of my babies 100% - no bottles, no formula, no pacifiers at all - I still have done things that I would not consider ideal parenting. It happens to ALL of us, and I wouldn't want another parent judging me...because I'm doing the best I can with what I have and what I know. And for the most part, every other parent is, too. So the way I stop the judging is to think that other parents are doing the best they can with their own situation. I'm not perfect, and neither are they.
Yes to ALL of this. When dd was a toddler, I really thought I was quite the expert. Now that I'm on kid #3 and dd is school age, I'm realizing that I don't have all the answers. The black and white is shrinking, and I'm seeing a whole lot more grey area.
 
#20 ·
You can be discerning and stand up for what you believe in without being "judgemental". Meaning- if I had no experiences with a great mom and I was under a lot of pressure and I didn't know what else was out there, I might consider Ferber too because I didn't know any better. It doesn't make it right. But it doesn't make me a bad person either.

You can have a personal credo and stand up for your ideals but also understand that others don't share the same resources and experiences and may be seeing things in a different way. It doesn't mean you have to agree.
 
#21 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple Sage View Post
I see you have only one child who is still very young. I think you'll get to be less judgmental with time.
I agree. And I still only have 1 kiddo.
But I do struggle with how I feel towards people, I can't help it.

I have a co-worker that I know never wanted to BF her DD from day 1. She told me she would "try" for 3 months for her DH's sake. She just thought BF was gross. That's it. I gave her as much info as I could and I didn't bring it up again. But every time I see her and her baby or every time I see her FB status that she's gone out drinking or something AGAIN (her baby is probably 7 or 8 months? I was lucky if I did anything once a month at that age) I just... as a PP said, STFU. It's none of my business.

We just have to learn to let go of those feelings that we are right and others are wrong. Everyone is just doing the best they can. And they DO love their babies as much as we do.
 
#22 ·
I judge people all the time. Why wouldn't I? If I think your style of parenting is terrible or abusive of course I'm going to judge! The only why I could avoid it is by having absolutely no opinion on the matter.

Of course that doesn't mean I'm going to be loud and obnoxious about it. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar after all. However, if someone bad-mouths my way of doing things, you can be sure that I will defend myself.

I once got involved in a conversation with 2 women talking about how nursing past 12 months was weird, gross, and damaging to the child in a very rude way. I didn't stand for that. I said my piece and pointed out studies supporting my arguments....they then tried to act like I was being pushy and judgmental.
Forget the fact that they said I was abusing my child by nursing "too long"!


Honestly, I'm getting sick of being nice.
 
#23 ·
I think it takes real bravery to let someone cut you open to give your child life. What on earth is there to negatively judge in that?

I'm just doing the best I can to raise my kids the best I can. I'm not really aiming for compassionate- because sometimes life stinks and you make a bad decision because that's the best you can do in a bad situation. I'm aiming for children who can see that the person is more than their actions, and who are more interested in being the best person that they can be than judging others. I need to model that for them, otherwise how will they learn it?
 
#25 ·
i've been having a really hard time with this as well. and i've realized it's because the choices i make about parenting & my diet are based on wanting to treat the living beings around me whose life i am responsible for with honour & respect. they are not choices i make out of convenience or societal pressure or tradition, but because i feel they cause the least amount of harm.

so when i am around parents who choose the other options & i am fully aware of the pain, suffering, emotional distress, or ill health they will cause, i have a really hard time just viewing it as just another path they've taken. i have a hard time feeling open & loving & that everyone is just different.

i've put a lot of thought into my choices, done a lot of research, & feel very passionately about the way i birth, parent, eat, & live.

i am not perfect...i have many faults...& i often fail in various ways while trying to follow the ideal path i see as the best way for me & my children to live. but i still struggle with giving others space to make those varying choices! i'm not saying it's right. i wish i was more laid back about it. i was kind of hoping it would come with age! but mostly i just try to keep it to myself & let small bits leak out when my opionion is asked for.
 
#26 ·
i'm judgemental and i don't apologize for it. of COURSE i think my way is best, or i wouldn't be doing it! lol but unless i am asked for my opinion on someone's decision, i keep it to myself or discuss it with like-minded people.

i don't think it's wrong to be judgemental. it's just wrong to be pushy about you views versus someone else's. BUT if asked, i do get into it.
 
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