DS (5) has been accused... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 08:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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of touching a 3-year-old girl on her "privates". I'll start this off by saying both daycare and I are 100% sure he did NOT do this - he's never alone with this girl, ever. They don't nap in the same room (they're actually 2 floors apart), they don't eat at the same table, they're never unsupervised outside. Plus he's just not the kind of kid who'd do that. There's no molestation history (of that I'm 100% positive), he has no risk factors for that, etc. So I'm not concerned that he actually did do this, I'm concerned about what happens now. Our DCP pulled me aside when I went to pick up the kids today to give me a heads-up, said she was meeting with the girl's parents tonight and wanted me to know. Again reassured me that she knows he didn't do anything wrong but has to hear the other parents out. I'm okay with that. But what now? If the other parents aren't happy with DCP's response are they going to go to the cops? CPS? Are we going to have strangers interrogating my son and poking around our house? Neither daycare nor I have questioned my son about this, I know enough not to ask him anything because it might plant something in his mind that wasn't there before, so I don't even have his side of the story (if there even is one). That's something DCP was going to question the parents about tonight, HOW they came up with this story. Did the girl come straight out and say "A touched my privates" or did they ask her leading questions that came around to my son. Ugh, my stomach is in knots about this and there's no one I can talk to. Has anyone been through this before? Anything I should know or be prepared for? I'm just so p!ssed off that someone can accuse my kid like this! That's not something you effing play around with!

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#2 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 08:21 PM
 
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Wow, mama...I don't know what I would do in this situation. I'm sorry your DS was accused. That would break my heart.

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#3 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 08:24 PM
 
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I'm so sorry, that must be so stressful.

Firstly, don't worry about CPS etc, that's not going to happen - you'll just make yourself stress over nothing.

Secondly, its normal behaviour for children to be curious of their and other bodies - if your DS did touch this girl (which he didn't) it wouldn't be treated by health care professionals in the same way it would be treated if your ds was 15.

You need to speak to the parents without your children present. Listen to their concerns and tell them the exact things you have told us. This isn't the sort of information you should hear 2nd hand through a childcare worker - it will be o.k.
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#4 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 09:35 PM
 
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The thought that I had was whether it is possible that someone had touched this little girl and she can't/won't say who it really is and picked your son out of desperation to give an answer when pressed? Seems like it should be something a therapist might want to follow up on, imo.

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#5 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 10:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Greenmama2AJ View Post
Secondly, its normal behaviour for children to be curious of their and other bodies - if your DS did touch this girl (which he didn't) it wouldn't be treated by health care professionals in the same way it would be treated if your ds was 15.

.
Yes. Even though he didn't and couldn't... it is normal. These parents are causing problems that don't exist. If I were the provider and I had to let one family go over this, it would be the squeaky wheel.

Lets say hypothetically, a five year old did touch a three year old's privates... it's really only something you would keep an eye out for. It's not something that requires an investigation by anybody.

I'm sorry this is happening. But, try not to let it bother you too much. It's probably going to end here, and your provider is obviously going to defend your son.
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#6 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 10:17 PM
 
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is it possible he accidentally touched her privates? we get everyone so worked up about this that even a little accidental bump or something while playing tag or something can be misconstrued.

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#7 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 10:18 PM
 
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The thought that I had was whether it is possible that someone had touched this little girl and she can't/won't say who it really is and picked your son out of desperation to give an answer when pressed? Seems like it should be something a therapist might want to follow up on, imo.
This was my first thought as well. Kids don't lie about these things, so my bet would be that someone has touched her in a way she does not like and she has named your DS as a cover. Or quite possibly, whomever touched her has the same name as your DS and her parents drew the wrong conclusion. Either way, you won't be investigated. Sorry you have to go through this.
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#8 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 10:33 PM
 
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These parents are causing problems that don't exist. If I were the provider and I had to let one family go over this, it would be the squeaky wheel.
What problems are the other parents causing? The other parents haven't done anything but ask to speak the the DCP about the situation, which is IMO is a very reasonable reaction.

I agree that I don't think you have to worry at all about cps or police involvement. The other parents are talking to your dcp..that's all, it's what you would do in this situation isn't it? Hopefully it's just a silly misunderstanding and will all be cleared up tonight.
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#9 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 10:50 PM
 
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I just want to wish you luck! This happened to my now 9 yr ld when he was 3...by a 7 yr old. This DID happen (which it seems your situation may not have) and the mother who's kid did it to my son turned it aorund, calling CPS stating that we molested our son. So be cautious, CPS may be called, but it will be unfounded (it was for us, and in turn, the ther mother was investigated).

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#10 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 10:50 PM
 
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Well, kids might not "lie" about them, but at 3, many cannot explain things (like, if the touching was actually a game in a normal pre-schooler situation), many are impressionable, and developmentally, they can not always tell the line between their own ideas and what actually happened. A 3 yr old with this story needs to be respected, but if there is honest suspcion of abuse, to be questioned by a professional.

As a similar example, my son, at 3 yrs old, came up with a game called "hit your wife". Now, I have never been hit in my life, let alone by my absolutely gentle dh. My child has NEVER seen anything like that. He has been home with me since his birth. We don't have a TV. The kid had pretty much never left my sight and we lead a very quiet, gentle life. My husband looked at him very upset and told my little boy that you would never, ever hit your wife. Where did he get something so terrible? Turns out, he wasn't really clear on what "wife" meant. And he meant "hit" in terms of a ball. The game was about hitting a golf ball on the kitchen floor .

So, while these statements require sensitivity and response, they are not what our adult brains would call "true". The "real" landscape of the world is different for very young children.
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#11 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 11:25 PM
 
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Oh gosh, I would be going crazy if I was you. I hope the other posters are right, that this is not such a big deal and that the parents are just checking up to make sure that all is ok. But as the mom of two boys I cringe when I hear those stories about first graders being expelled for touching a girl, etc. Ugh.

I think it's a really good idea not to talk to your ds about it.

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#12 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 11:57 PM
 
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I don't have any advice to offer but wanted to say good luck and sorry you are going through this.
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#13 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 10:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ugh, okay, so after having a chance to calm down and hear some more of the other parents' story I'm feeling better. After talking with daycare the other parents agree nothing went on, but I can see why they thought something did - the little girl is potty-trained but had an accident at daycare and one at home last week, plus once in the middle of the night she started yelling "No, A!" in her sleep. Add in her saying that A touched her and yeah, I can see why they freaked. But daycare reassured them that there's no way A was alone with her, and they even agreed that when they come to pick her up they can see A has absolutely no interest in her (he's more concerned with being his friend J's shadow) and they're feeling better about the whole thing. And so am I. Whew.

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#14 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 02:57 PM
 
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Glad to hear nothing came of it. When I was a preschool teacher I had a child accuse another child of touching his penis and we knew it wasn't true. This kid used to also tell his mom I hit him, also completely untrue. He was new at the school and didn't want to be there. CPS was called and everyone was investigated, and of course they found nothing, but it was a nightmare to be dealing with.
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#15 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 03:17 PM
 
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Glad to hear nothing came of it. When I was a preschool teacher I had a child accuse another child of touching his penis and we knew it wasn't true. This kid used to also tell his mom I hit him, also completely untrue. He was new at the school and didn't want to be there. CPS was called and everyone was investigated, and of course they found nothing, but it was a nightmare to be dealing with.
Similar thing happened to my mom when she ran a daycare! Unfortunately the penis situation was completely unfounded but we didn't know till the accuser admitted that he LIED about it a few years ago. (A good 10 yrs after the accusation.)

And the kid who accused my mom of slapping him, he also said he had to sneak into the bathroom to get water. (?!?!) Totally unfounded but the mom was obviously not happy.

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#16 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 04:07 PM
 
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If it is true, it's completely normal for kids at that age to "play doctor." They're curious and they look at and/or touch each other's privates.

The best response is to tell them it's normal to be curious, but it's not polite to do that at daycare and they should knock it off.

It's not a huge deal. That girl's parents need to get over it. They're giving her a trauma over natural curiousity that is completely uncalled for.
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#17 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 04:49 PM
 
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So all of this is based on a 3 yr old saying it happened? I didn't quite get that out of the original post, WHO is doing the accusing exactly?
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Firstly, don't worry about CPS etc, that's not going to happen - you'll just make yourself stress over nothing.

Secondly, its normal behaviour for children to be curious of their and other bodies - if your DS did touch this girl (which he didn't) it wouldn't be treated by health care professionals in the same way it would be treated if your ds was 15.
I agree. I can't believe another parent would even hold it against you or your young DS for a minute if this ever did in fact happen. He's very, very young. And do they think their child is never going to be curious? I feel for those parents as their child gets older. I also agree that CPS isn't going to be a concern. Your child is normal.

OT, but I don't think it automatically means a child is being molested just because they are curious about the human body either. Why do people always assume this? I have a very curious 7 y o DD and she would never try to molest another child because of it.

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#18 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 05:07 PM
 
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I suspect the girl's parents made up the story and forced their daughter to tell the staff.
Has your DS ever been in contact with this girl before? They may be trying to get back at you for something.
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#19 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 06:05 PM
 
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So all of this is based on a 3 yr old saying it happened? I didn't quite get that out of the original post, WHO is doing the accusing exactly?I agree. I can't believe another parent would even hold it against you or your young DS for a minute if this ever did in fact happen. He's very, very young. And do they think their child is never going to be curious? I feel for those parents as their child gets older. I also agree that CPS isn't going to be a concern. Your child is normal.

OT, but I don't think it automatically means a child is being molested just because they are curious about the human body either. Why do people always assume this? I have a very curious 7 y o DD and she would never try to molest another child because of it.
In my case, my child WAS molested...the other child was making him pull is pants down and the child was sticking things where things should not go!

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#20 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 12:06 AM
 
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I really hope that nothing has happened to the little girl. That is always the first thing that came to mind as well.

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I suspect the girl's parents made up the story and forced their daughter to tell the staff.
How did you come to this conclusion?
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#21 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 12:20 AM
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I suspect the girl's parents made up the story and forced their daughter to tell the staff.
Really?
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#22 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 12:29 AM
 
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is it possible he accidentally touched her privates? we get everyone so worked up about this that even a little accidental bump or something while playing tag or something can be misconstrued.

exactly! my kids will accidentally do this sometimes in these scenarios and yell "mom so and so touched my privates" and it will be like my 2 yr old who did it accidentally or something lol but kids are just kids so it happens. I'm like it was just an accident, they didnt mean to etc etc.

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#23 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 12:51 AM
 
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How did you come to this conclusion?
It was the first thing that came to my mind.
IME, most sexual molestation accusations, especially involving children, come from parents who have an ulterior motive, e.g. revenge or money (which I doubt is the case here).
Remember what happened during the Michael Jackson trial? One of the plaintiffs' mothers came forward and said she made up the story to get money from Jackson.
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#24 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 01:54 AM
 
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Can you show me some stats on that? In my experience, it is the opposite. Most accusations hold some merit and are pushed aside so not to upset family or to preserve the family reputation.
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#25 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 10:50 AM
 
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They should talk to all of the kids about keeping their clothes on even when playing dress up and about their private body parts being private. Kids are often curious about each other's bodies at this age. Even if nothing did happen, it is still a good talk for kids to have.
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#26 of 28 Old 08-06-2009, 07:23 PM
 
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In my case, my child WAS molested...the other child was making him pull is pants down and the child was sticking things where things should not go!
Oh mama your poor baby

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#27 of 28 Old 08-06-2009, 11:08 PM
 
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Oh mama your poor baby
He is almost 10...it still seems to have an effect, especialy since he is starting to have raging hormones. I think it has confused him, but we are working on it. He is an awesome kid!

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#28 of 28 Old 08-08-2009, 01:18 AM
 
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Glad to hear everything got figured out.

My mom is a DCP and long ago there was a boy, about 7 who touched another boy and rubbed his privates on him. The parents have always had problems with this child, and turns out he got into his older brothers porn stash.
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