How do you handle 'but everyone else is allowed to do XYZ' - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-15-2009, 05:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Great, thanks. I can see that I am not so out of line after all by saying what I do. It just seems so trite to always be saying 'Other parents do different things'!
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Old 08-15-2009, 10:11 AM
 
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I use a variety of responses. If I hear, "Why does J. get to have/do/go somewhere and I can't?", I often say "it's because J. is very lucky and has wonderful parents and you are stuck with a mean mom who will only let you have/do/go..." and then I list a bunch of things that are okay.

It acknowledges the hardship, but with a little humour, and points out all the advantages that ds or dd have.

I have used the "Okay - convince me why you should have/do/go....whatever the issue is" It turns the responsibility back on the child, encourages critical thinking, logic and persuasion. They have to come up with a more persuasive argument than "J. gets to!" - I want to hear about critical factors that will address my concerns.
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Old 08-15-2009, 12:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree View Post
I use a variety of responses. If I hear, "Why does J. get to have/do/go somewhere and I can't?", I often say "it's because J. is very lucky and has wonderful parents and you are stuck with a mean mom who will only let you have/do/go..." and then I list a bunch of things that are okay.

It acknowledges the hardship, but with a little humour, and points out all the advantages that ds or dd have.

I have used the "Okay - convince me why you should have/do/go....whatever the issue is" It turns the responsibility back on the child, encourages critical thinking, logic and persuasion. They have to come up with a more persuasive argument than "J. gets to!" - I want to hear about critical factors that will address my concerns.
: Well said.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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Old 08-15-2009, 03:24 PM
 
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I tell my dd that every family is different and that we just don't do certain things in our family. I also sometimes point out that there are things she gets to do that other kids don't get to do and that there are things other parents do to their kids that I would never do to her.
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Old 08-15-2009, 03:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades View Post
We explain why we've made the rule. I'm not so inflexible that I believe I cannot be wrong. There are times when DS makes a good argument for something, and I assume that will continue for him (and be true for DD as well). I'm completely open to the possibility that perhaps a change is in order.
ditto here. that is why we rarely get the 'but others...'

i never give her the because i am your parent or any others that are listed here. they would never work with her - esp. having the lawyer in her and the arguing.

in some areas we are v. permissive, in some NOT at all.

for my dd having the dialogue really helps her understand and accept too.

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Old 08-16-2009, 01:35 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree View Post
I use a variety of responses. If I hear, "Why does J. get to have/do/go somewhere and I can't?", I often say "it's because J. is very lucky and has wonderful parents and you are stuck with a mean mom who will only let you have/do/go..." and then I list a bunch of things that are okay.

It acknowledges the hardship, but with a little humour, and points out all the advantages that ds or dd have.

I have used the "Okay - convince me why you should have/do/go....whatever the issue is" It turns the responsibility back on the child, encourages critical thinking, logic and persuasion. They have to come up with a more persuasive argument than "J. gets to!" - I want to hear about critical factors that will address my concerns.
Me too. And if one of the reasons (even if it's the last in a long list of reasons) is "because everyone else does", my response is an automatic no. But I have changed my mind because of a well reasoned argument on a subject.

Chris--extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, co-sleeping, APing, CLW, homeschooling before any of this was a trend mom to Joy (1/78), Erica (8/80), Angela (9/84), Dylan (2/98)
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Old 08-16-2009, 02:08 PM
 
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"if so and so jumped off a Bridge would you?" LMAO. JK. I am reading everyone elses intelligent responses.
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Old 08-17-2009, 06:24 AM
 
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When I get the "but everyone else is allowed to..." I answer with a, "but your not 'everyone', you're you; and you are not allowed to."

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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Old 08-17-2009, 05:11 PM
 
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This hasn't come up in our family yet, but my favorite "family model" of 4 builds a sense of family pride. "We are the Jones" family is something they often talk about with a great sense of this is who we are!!! Excitment, etc. They also use this when explaining some things that other families do, that they don't. Helps prevent "we are better than them" mentality. We are the Jones and in the Jones house we do things this way, etc. It seems to really work for them both in the postive circumstances and the "negative."

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House mom to ten boys, ages 8-11 at a group home! Yes, I must be nuts!
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Old 08-17-2009, 09:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MomInCalifornia View Post
A common saying in our home is "different families have different rules".
This is exactly what I say.

New signature, same old me: Ann- mama of 2 boys and 2 girls, partnered to a fabulous man.
I'm an unintentional weasel feeder and I suck at proofreading.
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