What is so wrong with "good job"?? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 91 Old 08-20-2009, 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by teale View Post
They absolutely can be. I think most, if not all, will say they want the best for their child. I believe that very few actually practice that though- they want what is best for their child, as long as it's what they want as a parent. I've met these people, in fact I was raised by some of these people. Absolutely, my parents will argue they want what's best for me- but to this day, I can tell you they will never accept me entirely because I did not do what they wanted for me, or rather what they thought was best for me, despite the fact that it was not at all the best "thing" for me. It's a sad, sad feeling to realize that your parents had been manipulating you to get what they wanted, and in the end, really won't accept you, despite the fact that they proclaim loudly that they will. Even sadder still, is that I have turned into the confident, intelligent, successful woman they wished for me- just not on their terms or how they wanted me to be.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has experienced this?

I'm not saying that "good job" is terrible and awful- in fact, in my posts I say that I use it occasionally, and argue that simply it can be used for the wrong purposes.
You described my childhood, only praise was given to me in front of my sister to manipulate her, or not at all. In fact, I recently told my mother that I never really felt like I had her approval and, instead of saying "why did you feel that way?" she said "I don't know why you would have thought that!":

DH has really helped me to accept myself on my own merits. Like you, I became the confident, successful person, but until I let go of wanting my mom to TELL me that, I went through life feeling like a failure.

So where is this balance? People who get praised too much are praise hungry, but so are people who don't get praised at all. I guess you could say I praise to celebrate, not to manipulate. I do use good job sometimes, but it is not the only thing I would say. I think I say "thank you" way more often.

I love MDC. This kind of intellectual debating in a safe place makes me so happy. :
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