inlaws showering wiht my kids-how would you feel? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-06-2009, 01:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hasn't anyone else noticed that the OP never came back to this thread?

sorry its been a busy week and i havent been able to get on much

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Old 09-06-2009, 01:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by amandaleigh37 View Post
No way. Nope. Never.

Why would this be necessary? If it were about "efficiency" then why not let the adults take a quick shower together, then give the kids a bath together?
It's also not necessary for kids to run around naked. That doesn't make it bad.

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Old 09-06-2009, 01:03 AM
 
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wow i never knew i would open such a big thread on this topic. thanks though because i really feel better knowing im not the only one who thinks its a little strange. My kids are SUPER close with their meme and poppy they go to their house weekly for hours at a time and have since birth. the relationship is strong and though my kids run around naked and swim naked bathing with their naked grandparents seems out of place. My fil was mollested as a child which worries me a bit, but at the same time i am 98% sure he would never. So anyway thats not teh issue. the issue is just that i think its strange to see them naked, or be in the room while they are peeing. espically because my son came home telling me poppy is "giant" and my daughter told me meme's vagina is "hairy".

anyway how do i even presue this subject with them without coming off a a bitch?
If your kids are running around naked is it possible that this led the grandparents to believe you to be lax about nudity and that you wouldn't have a problem with it?

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Old 09-06-2009, 01:16 AM
 
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wow i never knew i would open such a big thread on this topic. thanks though because i really feel better knowing im not the only one who thinks its a little strange. My kids are SUPER close with their meme and poppy they go to their house weekly for hours at a time and have since birth. the relationship is strong and though my kids run around naked and swim naked bathing with their naked grandparents seems out of place. My fil was mollested as a child which worries me a bit, but at the same time i am 98% sure he would never. So anyway thats not teh issue. the issue is just that i think its strange to see them naked, or be in the room while they are peeing. espically because my son came home telling me poppy is "giant" and my daughter told me meme's vagina is "hairy".

anyway how do i even presue this subject with them without coming off a a bitch?
I think I'd just say "I hear you guys were in the shower with the kids last time... I think that's great, but in thinking about it I'd rather you weren't naked with them." But it might be good for your husband to say.

I did want to say - I found your 98% just a tad spooky. What's the other 2% about? Is it possible there's more going on with your instincts here? (By the way, I don't think his having been abused makes it likely; I'm going more on the idea that you didn't say 99% or 100%.)

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Old 09-06-2009, 01:20 AM
 
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98%, eh? Yikes...in that case, never leave your children alone with the grandparents ever again. Especially since FIL was molested as a child, I would think he would be even MORE sensitive to appropriate behavior around children and extra careful not to cross any lines that might make them feel weird. Now I'm kind of worried for your children. And "huge"...that freaks me out, too.
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Old 09-06-2009, 02:06 AM
 
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My fil was mollested as a child which worries me a bit, but at the same time i am 98% sure he would never.
98% is not enough when it comes to the possibility of children being molested. Please don't leave your children alone with the grandparents again unless you're 100% sure that nothing sexual will take place.

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the issue is just that i think its strange to see them naked, or be in the room while they are peeing. espically because my son came home telling me poppy is "giant" and my daughter told me meme's vagina is "hairy".
Ack! Sewcool, this stuff would NOT be OK with me. In my opinion, the grandparents are crossing boundaries. Boundaries and privacy are very important. And the fact that your son said "giant" makes me worry that the grandfather was possibly aroused during the shower.

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anyway how do i even presue this subject with them without coming off a a bitch?
Sewcool, it doesn't matter if the grandparents think you're a "bitch." What matters is your children's safety. Just tell them that you don't feel comfortable with the communal showers, communal peeing, and general nudity. Say that you don't want the children to think that it's OK for just anyone to be naked in front of them. Say that you want the children to learn that they have a right to privacy and boundaries. Even if they badmouth you for saying anything, who cares? You have to do right by your kids.

It sounds like you should be there supervising during visits until you're 100% sure that nothing inappropriate is going on.
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Old 09-06-2009, 02:44 AM
 
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It sounds like you have specific reasons to be concerned not just a generalized belief that GPs shouldn't shower with their same gender GKs.

Since you FIL was molested, it would be harder for him to be sure where the appropriate boundaries are. Some times he probably over reacts and feels something harmless and normal is inappropriate, but then he will over compensate and try too hard to be relaxed about normal human bodies by going in the other direction.

I would say the fact that your DC are telling you all about what happened suggests that nothing bad happened. It also gives you a non-judgmental reason to ask MIL and FIL to be more modest around your DC.
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anyway how do i even presue this subject with them without coming off a a bitch?
I'd just say to them that your DC have been talking about it in a way that makes you uncomfortable, and you're worried that they might say things that could be misinterpreted to their teachers or something, so could they try to avoid giving the kids anything to talk about.

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Old 09-06-2009, 02:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by amandaleigh37 View Post
Why would this be necessary? If it were about "efficiency" then why not let the adults take a quick shower together, then give the kids a bath together?
The only time I can get DS's hair shampooed is when I am in the shower with him. It really can make things easier and safer (in terms of slipping on the wet shower floor) to have an adult who isn't trying to bend over a bathtub rim just to soap up the kid, and can lift the child up into the water stream, etc. If their is only enough hot water for two showers, then who would be watching the kids while GM and GP showered with each other?

Now from the updates, I can see there are specific reasons the OP is uncomfortable, but I can also see all kinds of situations where it would be a perfectly sensible thing to do.

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Old 09-06-2009, 02:59 AM
 
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, if you do not feel comfortable with it, then you have every right to ask them to stop doing that. Trust your instincts.

Exactly my thoughts. My kids don't bathe at my IL's because I don't want them to use the gross chemical-y shampoo and conditioner that is way too thick and perfumed and makes their hair sticky and gross in an hour. My FIL would NEVER bathe with my kids, my MIl is quite the prude as well. My kids are still little and I'm pretty much in charge of body-care. A group of naked people doesn't freak me out and as long as my kids are cool with is we can do saunas, etc. But it's something about anyone being behind a closed door with my naked child. I just can't handle it. (Please don't point out that this is my personal feeling and not a blanket judgement for everyone, I'm aware of that.)
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Old 09-06-2009, 03:18 AM
 
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anyway how do i even pursue this subject with them without coming off a a bitch?
Don't ever worry about coming off as a bitch when it comes to the well being of your children. Just be sensitive and polite.

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Old 09-06-2009, 12:59 PM
 
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I wouldn't be comfortable w/it either and op, you can bring it up in a way that doesn't make it seem like you think they are doing something wrong.

BTW, my sons have walked in on my dh getting out of the shower and run around saying how HUGE daddy is and they have never seen him aroused.

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Old 09-06-2009, 04:54 PM
 
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Since you FIL was molested, it would be harder for him to be sure where the appropriate boundaries are.

This is rediculous. i was molested as a child and am 100% sure about wre appropriate boundries are. I get tired of victems of moelstation being demonized. I am more concerned about adults who make sketchy sexual choices concensually than adults who were messed with as kids.

I may side with caution occaisionally but I was also raised to be very modest. So who's to say which is catalyst there. but I would never ever ever cross a line sexually with a child.

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Old 09-06-2009, 06:54 PM
 
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Well #1 my kids are never in a changing room with a lot of naked strangers without me there. And #2 those rooms are big and no one is naked right up against my kid. Most people's showers are not some giant shower room and the idea of my kid being naked with another adult - even their grandparent - in a shower is just creepy to me, and apparently to a lot of other people too.

But to each their own - if you're cool with it, that's cool too. But it is not at all the same as being in a public changing room, for the above reasons.
ITA with this sentiment. ^

I love nudity....I love it in art, I love it in photography and I love it in the privacey of my own home. Sleeping with my pudgy baby girl naked this summer has been such a sweet blessing to me and is like a nighttime meditation...very fond memories I hope to never forget.

But those are MY feelings on nudity....it is my job as her parent to protect her right to have whatever relationship with nudity that works for her. So...thinking of my DD in a shower with MIL...she's 15 mos, she's a baby. It wouldn't bother me...but as she gets older, I think putting her in the space of a shower with my MIL could be uncomfortable for her and she has a right to want more space when she's naked.

As for FILs...we don't have any in our family...one semi-interested FIL who lives two thousand miles away. FIL or my own father, would not ever be taking a shower with any of my kids. Period. And that's MY problem, I don't apologize for it and it's for my own peace of mind that I don't put any man naked around my kids or leave my kids with men alone. I'm flawed.

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Old 09-06-2009, 07:01 PM
 
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This is rediculous. i was molested as a child and am 100% sure about wre appropriate boundries are. I get tired of victems of moelstation being demonized. I am more concerned about adults who make sketchy sexual choices concensually than adults who were messed with as kids.

I may side with caution occaisionally but I was also raised to be very modest. So who's to say which is catalyst there. but I would never ever ever cross a line sexually with a child.
I AGREE.

I've got to admit, as a survivor of abuse, I'm pretty personally offended by that comment. It would not be possible for me, to be attracted to a child...that's just a really gross thing to say about someone.

"She was victimized as a child, so she's so messed up that she probably doesn't even know how NOT to victimize someone else....what a shame"

NO....the truth is:

I'm a great lady, a great mom and wife and I am gracefully, phenominally and totally content in my life. I am not shriveled inside, I am happy and I have an amazing life. My being abused didn't hang like a weight around me...I struggled so hard to overcome the obstacles placed between me and peace of mind and mental stability. But I got here...I am free from it and I am eternally blessed to know the people I call my family. I don't have that bad family anymore...my life is now filled with deeply spirited, loving people. I have a small circle of family which is perfect and in harmony. I won.


I resent that there are people out there who view abuse survivors as damaged or pitiful. I am not damaged.

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Old 09-06-2009, 07:52 PM
 
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"She was victimized as a child, so she's so messed up that she probably doesn't even know how NOT to victimize someone else....what a shame"
This isn't even close to what I said.

To begin with I wasn't talking about every single victim of sexual assault ever, I was talking about the OP's FIL, so I wouldn't be saying "she" at all. The OP describes having certain reservations about her FIL's behavior, so I am addressing those specifically.

Though obviously very few statements can be universally applied, things dealing with the complexities of human interactions are especially complex. If people tend to react to a certain experience in one of 5 ways, then one of those effects might only be relevant to 20% of the people who went through the experience. The fact that 80% of the people who went through it didn't have the same effect doesn't make it any less real, important to talk about it.

Having complex issues with what are normal bounderies and what aren't is one of the possible effects of abuse. Not just sexual abuse, but many types. I had an aunt who very much had problem with knowing how to mother her DD, related to being beaten severely as a child by her own mother who hated her. She just wasn't sure how to guide and discipline my cousin except knowing she didn't want to beat her DD. It lead to my cousin and aunt having a somewhat unclear relationship with each other.

Obviously not every single person reacts this way, probably not even most do. However, some do, and from the way the OP talks about her FIL, he sounds to me like he may.

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Old 09-07-2009, 07:27 AM
 
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Ew, that would totally skeev me out. None of us (SO included) are close to my ILs though and DS has never even been alone with them. I would be okay with my mom bathing with DS but really there wouldn't be a need. She's bathed him and that's it. My dad wouldn't even consider bathing him, much less with him. He's just not the kind of guy to do that kind of stuff unless its his own kid. Both SO and I still bathe with DS though.

ETA: FWIW, it has nothing to do with naked bodies being dirty. As a matter of a fact, DS and DNephew are naked at home literally about 99% of the time (most of our friends have seen them naked and everyone from the maintenance guy to the pizza guy have caught a glimpse). And if my sister didn't live with us, SO and I would probably be a lot more naked a lot more often. Either way though, its more about the fact that my ILs are practically strangers to both DS and I because we see them *maybe* once a year, for a few hours. Honestly though, they are both such private, modest people, I don't think either of them would even consider it anyway.

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Old 09-07-2009, 09:12 AM
 
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I think it is rather odd to have grandparents shower with their grandchildren. I think giving a simple bath or letting them shower on their own would be fine.

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Old 09-08-2009, 06:06 PM
 
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I would find it surprising, but it's all about context and family standards.

My parents were very 1970s open, walked around naked, rarely bothered closing the bathroom door unless we had adult guests (some of my childhood friends were freaked out!!), and routinely showered or bathed with my brother and me. Still, it was very unusual for us to see our grandparents naked. Even though I was only 6 when I began having long summer visits with my mom's parents without my parents along, my grandparents always closed doors for their privacy, and my grandma supervised my baths fully clothed. I was surprised when my mom was telling stories of her childhood and mentioned seeing her mother change clothes. The only times I ever did were if we went to a pool with a big locker room, etc., and when they were old and sick and needed help doing things.

It seems to me that grandparents are not quite the same as parents on the modesty front, esp. if (like mine) they aren't around the grandchildren on a really frequent basis, so it makes sense to draw the lines wider than for parents.

Sewcool, I would have your husband tell his parents that the kids came home and told you more than you wanted to know about their bodies and you're a little freaked out! Then he could explain how he and you would like them to handle issues like limited time for showering, kids needing help with shampoo, etc.

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