inlaws showering wiht my kids-how would you feel? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 12:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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im a little unsure- my son is almost 5 and my daughter 3 1/2 papa and ds took a shower together then meme and dd took a shower. Im not sure how i feel, i sorta feel like its inappropriate but then i think its good because they will feel even more like they dont need to hide their bodies or feel ashamed. how would you feel?

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#2 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 12:05 AM
 
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It wouldn't bother me as long as it didn't bother the kids.
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#3 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 12:22 AM
 
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It would only bother me becuase I've seen my il's shower.lol I'm not sure they'd actually get clean.

Would you feel better about it if it was YOUR parents? If so then I'd examine why I'd be bothered because it was dh's parents.
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#4 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 12:51 AM
 
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I would be slightly bothered but I would also be bothered if it were my parents.

Kirsten, mama to Monkey since May 2007 and Bean born 11/7/09
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#5 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 12:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by rainyday View Post
It wouldn't bother me as long as it didn't bother the kids.
:

I'd be fine with it with my parents or my MIL. Not so much my FIL, but there are other issues there...

-Angela
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#6 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 01:30 AM
 
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It wouldn't bother me as long as it didn't bother the kids.

That

And they are the grandparents, i wont even give it a second thought...

Mami to Catalina (9/31/04), Santiago due Jan '10, wife to Edgar:
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#7 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 01:54 AM
 
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I wouldn't be bothered..

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#8 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 01:55 AM
 
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What was the context? That would make a big difference to me.

Everyone came back dirty from a hike in the woods, or chloriney from the pool and this was the efficient way to all get clean? Yeah, I'd be fine with it.
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#9 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 02:11 AM
 
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Wouldn't bother me.

Surviving sleep deprivation one day at a time with dd (Oct '11) & ds (Oct '08).

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#10 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 02:27 AM
 
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It would definitely bother me if they hadn't asked for my permission first. And actually, I wouldn't allow it, and I'd feel uncomfortable with my kids showering with any adult besides my husband of myself.

However, I don't think there's anything wrong with it--as long as they ask for your permission first.

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#11 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 02:30 AM
 
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it'd gross me out.
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#12 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 02:39 AM
 
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I'd most likely be significantly bothered, but context as well as cultural factors would also make a difference to me...in addition to how my kids felt about it.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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#13 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 02:40 AM
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I'd be so freaked out it wouldn't be funny. So yeah, it would totally bother me.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#14 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 03:23 AM
 
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My FIL? NO way. EEK! MIL, I don't know. Maybe?

My dad? Probably not. My mom? Totally cool.



Of course, I have a daughter, and so the whole idea of her showering with other MEN bothers me. Her daddy, I'm fine with but other than that.

As for my MIL? She has an issue with DD even saying vagina or vulva opposed to "privates" or some other made up name. So, I just don't think that's a situation I want to expose my DD to, the whole misplaced impropriety and modesty thing.

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#15 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 03:23 AM
 
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I'd be uncomfortable if my child showered with an adult other than me or DH.

Normal is just a setting on your dryer.
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#16 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 04:26 AM
 
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That would make me extremely uncomfortable and I can't think of a single situation where it would be a reasonable thing to do (and I mean this only in the context of MY family and DS' grandparents, YMMV!).
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#17 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 04:48 AM
 
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I would be entirely uncomfortable with my children showering naked with anyone else. There's no need. Actually, I would simply stop all visits to the inlaws unless I was there.

I know too many people who have been molested....

And...I think little ones are too shy to say if it bothers them to be in such close proximity with nude people. I HATED it at that age but I was too shy to say anything to anyone.
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#18 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 05:44 AM
 
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I would be entirely uncomfortable with my children showering naked with anyone else. There's no need. Actually, I would simply stop all visits to the inlaws unless I was there.

I know too many people who have been molested....

i cannot agree with this post more.


that would be a HUGE RED FLAG.

ftr, my children do not and will not spend the night with fam or friends until *much* older, and only if its' someone i trust inexpicably not to abuse my child and i knew for a solid fact no one would be dropping by when my child was there. i don't trust many people, not that i think that everyone is a child abuser, just that many people are oblivious to these things and therefore do not have good judgment of other people. imo, that is yet another reason why so many children do end up molested. the obliviousness of adults (who are supposed to protect them) to the possibilities of their child or children in their care being abused.

eta2: for example, i trust my mom not to sexually/physically abuse my children, but i do not trust her judgment of *other* peoples character/intentions. therefore, i do not allow my mother to babysit. who knows what weirdos in my family could stop by and take advantage of my mom being out of the room for a couple minutes to molest my daughter/son. sounds harsh, but it's the world we live in. and i know all too well the damage it does.

eta: not saying the op is oblivious, just making a statement in general.
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#19 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 06:37 AM
 
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Whoa! Some people here are really quick to leap to the abuse topic, when it sounds like it was just grandpa + grandson and then grandma + granddaughter having showers. Of course everyone has their own comfort level with nudity, etc., and that needs to be respected by all sides. However, adults and children being nude together does not always lead to molestation, which is an important point to keep in mind.

I'm not a nudist/naturist type, but I do live in a country where people strip down and change into their swimming suits right in the open on the beach, and kids change into their PE clothes at school in mixed groups until they're pretty old. Also, ads frequently show nude bodies without any artful covering. Just because the naked human body is more visually accessible here doesn't mean there is any more molestation, though.

In this situation you really have to use your own judgement, based on your own feelings about it, how your kids reacted, whether you trust the ILs or not, etc. Some of the pps sound like they have good reason not to trust their relatives; I'd hesitate to act the same way as they do without good reason of my own.

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#20 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 07:22 AM
 
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I would have wanted to be asked and then I would think about it. Like a PP said it would depend on the context (were they there for a week, etc.) If bathing was part of the expected activities or related to actual mess, I'd lean more towards 'okay' and if it seemed to come out of the blue I'd lean more towards 'no'.

I don't think kids are any more likely to be abused by the showering together than they are naked with an adult at the side of the tub*, and the way it was done doesn't sound creepy to me from a tiny amount of info over the 'net.

All that said though, if you are uncomfortable with it, then you are: I'd communicate that nicely but directly and let them know how you'd prefer to handle it in the future.

*ETA: Like with a grownup clothed giving a bath.

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
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#21 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 08:54 AM
 
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I grew up camping and farming with my grandparents. We did all girl showers and all boy showers. It was quicker. With short water supply you do what you do.5 people would get bathed in 10-15 minutes verses 5 5minute showers and having to send a kid back in.

We also did same sex showers after working on the farm. Seriously after spending a day or two down on the same farm with my own children I appreciated more my grandparents efficient behavior.

Some people have reasons to not trust their parents or in-laws. In the same situation I would trust my in-laws and my dad, his side of the family. I would not trust my mom and her husband (body issues) but I would trust grandparents and other relatives on her side of the family.


What is the difference from the grandparents being in the shower with them verses just watching them on the side? It goes back to if you do not trust them why are you allowing the visits?
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#22 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 08:57 AM
 
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Holy moly, you just made me picture my IL's naked.

FIL no way. MIL - it wouldn't thrill me. I would be uncomfortable with it. I can't exactly explain why. I don't picture ds being comfortable with it either. As is, he has informed me that he will only shower with dh.
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#23 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 09:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by BookGoddess View Post
I'd be uncomfortable if my child showered with an adult other than me or DH.
This...but it's not about molestation at all...it's just something my parents wouldn't do. I'm not sure how it would even come up. (I don't have in-laws)

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#24 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 09:21 AM
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This is not a flame, but it really surprises me that so many MDC mamas view naked bodies as inappropriate or dirty.

It would not bother me at all for my kids to have bathed with close relatives when they were little.
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#25 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 09:26 AM
 
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Wouldn't bother me at all. My dd's only 2, so I don't know at what age it would start to bother me. Probably at the same age that it started to bother dd.

Sarah, mama to Miriam 9/26/2006 and Isaac 2/12/2010
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#26 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 09:30 AM
 
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I don't think naked bodies are dirty. Inappropriate, certainly, depending on the situation.

I come from a very private family. Exceedingly, extremely private. Therefore, if I found out my dad had showered with my son I would be 100% sure that my father had lost his mind. If my mother showered with a hypothetical daughter, I would feel the same way. It's just something my family would NEVER do. *I* never showered or bathed with my parents, if they did it with my kids, I would think something was up. Not molestation, but some sort of temporary insanity!

My ILs, while they break every other boundary in the book, would never shower or bathe *with* their grandkids. Just not their style. That's why this would raise real red flags for me.

Also, in that scenario, I can't imagine ANYONE being comfortable-- neither my son nor the grandparent he had bathed with. So it would be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. If your family is cool with nakedness, then that's a different story, obviously.
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#27 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 09:42 AM
 
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My husband's family is Finnish and he grew up sitting naked in sauna's with his grandparents, uncles, and cousins. Same for the girls (only with grandmas, aunts, girl cousins). So for me it would be a normal part of life.

That said, like GuildJenn said (whose posts I love) if you are uncomfortable with it OP then you are and that is cool. I just would be polite and gentle in explaining you prefer to do the bathing yourself.
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#28 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 10:36 AM
 
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I would not be comfortable with that. Not because I think naked bodies are dirty (not at all, I also live in a country where nudity in commercials and on the beach isn't a big issue), however, I *do* think there is a time and a place for being naked.

Imho, if children are getting too comfortable about being naked or being around naked people, it will be very difficult for them to judge certain situations.
For example: it would be OK to be with naked grandpa under the shower, but not with naked sports teacher => how to make that distinction?

I think this is something that is very personal, depends a lot on how one has grown up (I come from a very private family) and there is no "right" or "wrong" way.
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#29 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 11:05 AM
 
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I'd be totally fine with my mom or grandmother showering with DS. Not so much my dad or IL's.

We're a : kind of family.
-Morgan
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#30 of 138 Old 09-02-2009, 11:36 AM
 
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Originally Posted by rainyday View Post
It wouldn't bother me as long as it didn't bother the kids.
I agree. I totally trust my stepmom/dad and my FIL. However, they aren't the types to do this sort of thing anyway.

As a teenager I dated a guy whose parents were raising his sister's kids and they all shared baths to save on water. They took them together while young and as they got older one would take a bath, get out and another would get in and although I thought that type of bathing was weird (dirty water already getting cold) I didn't really care.

Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
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