How on board with AP was your DP? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 11:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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When I was pregnant I had never even heard of AP and even after I had DS, I didn't know that's what we were doing until he was a few months old. But I'm glad to say that for the most part DH was agreeable with most aspects of it.

We both knew that we wanted me to breastfeed and DH said he would have been very disappointed if it had not been able to happen. He even did a persuasion paper for a college class on BF . We both wanted the baby in the room with us though we both emphatically stated NOT in the bed (HA). Yea, we ended up cosleeping IN the bed for a year and loved it.

I wore DS a lot during the early months and DH seemed kind of neutral about it at first until I told him about the benefits. Now that DS is bigger and heavier I don't wear him as much but definitely will when I feel he needs it. However, now DH thinks it's a bit much but he doesn't speak negatively about it.

I guess my only battle right now is discipline and we are at odds but that is a whole other discussion. I am working on him though!

So, did all of you have DP's who naturally fell in line with AP thinking? Or did you have some convincing to do?

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#2 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 11:37 AM
 
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Dicipline is the one area where he is much more AP/ GD than I am. I am trying, but I struggle. Everything else AP was innitiated by me and he kinda fell into it. He is still kinda anti-extended BF but that's cuz he is knda a prude about my boobs. The cloth diapers still confuse him though is is getting a lot better. Having a homebirth was actually his idea, though he denies it, as was CD'ing (he and his sibs were CD'ed but he thought it was for poor people only). So it is kinda 50/50, but I take it and run with it more often, with him trailing behind.

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#3 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 11:42 AM
 
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My husband rocks.

He loves that I am still nursing at 16 mos-he thinks it is great that we know our son is getting the nutrients he needs since he eats like a super model. He would never push me to wean-he knows it will happen when we are both ready.

He was routinely beat with a belt, a switch, had his hair pulled, etc so GD comes quite naturally to him-he actually has more patience then I do for some things.

We use a Baby Bjorn a lot and hubby loves carrying Jack in it. While I certainly take the lead in what we do for our little family he will read things I ask him to and he is always involved and hands on.
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#4 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 11:45 AM
 
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Once DH understood my reasoning for wanting to do any particular thing, he got behind it. Sometimes it's rough, when his OMG SO MAINSTREAM dad makes a disparraging comment about some AP thing we're doing, and he doesn't defend it, but that's a very small issue in the grand scheme of things.

But yeah, everything from homebirth, to not circing, to extended bfing, to cosleeping, and everything in between.

As far as GD is concerned, neither of us ever wanted to hit our children; I grew up in a very pro-spank/borderline abusive family, and he, by direct contrast, was NEVER hit. What we've found, along our parenting journey, is that we were both shamed a lot, him maybe more than me, because his parents used shame as disipline. Also, bribery, and things like that were huge behavior modifiers for our parents. But, whereas I'd done all the reading and knew that those were things I didn't want to do with our kids, he didn't necessarily see anything wrong with any of it, as long as we weren't hitting.

But, we generally address something as it comes up, and deal with it in whatever way ends up being best for our family. He'll put our older daughter in "time out" when he can't think of anything else to do I totally understand it, because sometimes it's so hard to pick the right words or not just start screaming.

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#5 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 11:49 AM
 
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We just did what felt right and it works for us.

The only thing he was adamantly against was homebirth, but only out of concern. And he never could understand why I wanted a natural birth when there were drugs available. But he certainly didn't encourage me to use them.
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#6 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 12:04 PM
 
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I met my partner right before my oldest turned one, so he got a chance to see a bit of AP when he didn't have a say (co-sleeping, breastfeeding, GD).

The rest of it came naturally, through baby steps. As long as I have 'reasons' he will follow, though he did think I was insane when I decided to have an unassisted birth with our last. He thinks it's funny, however, when I put breastmilk on owies, let our almost 5 yr old nurse and walk for hours with our toddler to help her sleep.

He also doesn't 'do' cloths, which means that I change ALL the diapers. He will do disposables when we very rarely have them, but (even though he's a law student) he can't seem to figure out how to put the pockets/prefolds/BG together

GD has been a bit of a struggle, though he's much better now (as am I). Meditation has helped us a lot with that

He is on-board with not vaccinating too, though I think he would rather us do a couple...

Overall, I'm happy with his milk-soaked crunchiness!

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#7 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 12:09 PM
 
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I'm sure my DH has never heard the term AP. We just did what came naturally. Things like spanking, CIO, not BFing, etc. just weren't even considerations for either of us. He amazes me, though -- I'll hear him with the kids, saying textbook GD stuff just on his own -- it's pretty incredible.

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#8 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 12:09 PM
 
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He follows my lead and doesn't believe in parenting books, preferring to follow instincts. And that has led him to AP.

Joy wife to DH, mom to DS1 (4/2005): DD (5/2007) : : DS2 (1/2009 :
I do what works and when it stops working, then I do something else.
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#9 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 12:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ack I forgot one and the entire reason that prompted me to start this thread. Last night, we were discussing CIO (NOT for us,just generally) and I asked him what he would do if we were ever at someone's house and they were letting their babe do this.

His answer? "I'd ask them aren't they going to pick their baby up or check on them?" I love this man! I said to him "Sweety, you'd really speak up?" Him--"hell yea!!" :

And he is also very into extended BF, he has no issue with DS nursing until 4-5, whatever which is awesome as he has never even been expsed to BF or babies before!

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#10 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 12:39 PM
 
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My husband is very laid-back. I'm in the driver's seat on all decision-making related to our kids, and we're both happy that way.
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#11 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 12:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post
We just did what felt right and it works for us.

The only thing he was adamantly against was homebirth, but only out of concern. And he never could understand why I wanted a natural birth when there were drugs available. But he certainly didn't encourage me to use them.
This is pretty much my DH. He follows my lead on most things and I do what come naturally which is AP, but also research stuff all the time because I tend to be a bit of a nerd in that way and find it fascinating. I am still working on the homebirth for future birth so we will see.

Mama to DS (03/09) and DD (10/11) and married to the love of my life

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#12 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 01:03 PM
 
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DH had really never given much thought to such things/hadn't been around alot of babies but does come from a family who parented gently and on the crunchier end of mainstream - i.e. some breastfeeding, very little spanking, lots of affection and freedom/respect

He has really just gone with the flow - I had a midwife and was hoping for a homebirth - these were very foreign ideas to him but he respected my choice. When DD was born we had very low supply and he did everything he could to support me in establishing breastfeeding and then, when we had to formula feed, he *got* why I was upset. We babywear and cosleep, both of which were new ideas to him but he sees how much easier they make things. He is on board to start baby led feeding.

When it comes time for discipline I know he would never dream of using physical punishment and is a kind, gentle man who just wouldn't verbally abuse or shame our kids.

So, he really had no idea what AP entailed but it has all been a good fit for him, personality-wise. He also trusts me to do the research about things and respects my judgement.

There are some things we will struggle with - his idea of nutrition is kind of terrible...and he thinks screen time is ok for kids....but to me, these are minor things we can work out. The big things - love, affection, respect, GD, atachment - he is totally on board

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#13 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 01:42 PM
 
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DH is very AP. He came from a family that naturally approached things from a fairly AP perspective without ever calling it AP. Also, DH is a very logical person and feels that AP methods are really the most logical thing to do. The general premise that you read your children's cues and respond to them has made our lives as parents a lot easier.

Now, I will say that when DH sees examples non-AP parenting his reaction is not "oh, that poor baby," it's more along the lines of, "oh, those stupid parents." So I'd describe DH as a rational APer as opposed to an emotional APer, if that makes sense.

DH is also the biggest lactivist I know.

Julie - Mom to Elizabeth (Libby) age 6, Penelope (Penny) age 5, Elliott age 29 months, and Oscar who is 1 year old!
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#14 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 02:36 PM
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DH is...supportive. He doesn't like the term AP because he feels like it's almost a religion that you feel like you have to adhere to or be a horrible parent. He doesn't like how critical I've gotten of some more mainstream things since I started parenting, and TBH, he's probably right. But in the same vein, he doesn't see why I won't at least consider some things like cry it out or FF for when I go out (because I can't get anything with the pump).

But for the most part, he loves what we do. He loves our sleeping arrangement and feels that BF is very good for baby. He would probably like me to wean babies a little sooner than I like (or baby likes!), but he lets me take the lead since it's my boobs.

We have a 2.5yo DS and are just starting to talk about GD. He likes a lot of the stuff I've picked up from this board, and it's helped us to go a new direction with our discipline. He has told me that spanking would be appropriate in some very rare situations, but I have yet to see him get even close to using it. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't actually do it, he just knows that his parents did and he doesn't seem to have a problem with that. We'll talk about it more when we get there. Right now, DS is not EASY to discipline, but he likes our approach.

A birth center is the crunchiest he would let me go with my birth, but it was wonderful and I would do it again in a heartbeat.
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#15 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 03:05 PM
 
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My husband is very laid-back. I'm in the driver's seat on all decision-making related to our kids, and we're both happy that way.
This is us too. We cosleep, breastfeed, babywear, etc b/c I started out wanting to do all those. DH was just like sure whatever you want babe. Now though he thinks it's awesome especially babywearing.

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#16 of 16 Old 09-15-2009, 03:19 PM
 
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My dp was really open to whatever I wanted to do, such as breastfeeding. We know a couple where the man was adament about his wife NOT bf'ing, and my dp has a hard time understanding why a man would feel that way. We didn't really think we would cosleep as long as we did, but we came to the realization most parents are flat-out lying when they say their baby sleeps alone in a crib all night long...so we figured whatever situation gets us the most sleep possible, is the situation we would accept. Ds is still too young for any type of discipline, but we talk regularly about how we would handle certain behaviors. Dp grew up in a corporal punishment household, so I think GD will be our biggest headbutt. We did our individual research on vaccines, and compared notes. (Dp was actually the one to initiate a change in pedi's, to a no-vax friendly one. I would have stuck around the old one just for argument's sake.) We did not delve into CD'ing for ds, but who's to say we won't for the next one. We were both staunchly against CIO, even before we knew there was a term for it. We hate to hear babies cry! And my dp loved wearing ds; we often bickered saying "I'll do it, it's my turn!"

We did not set out to AP, we didn't even know what it was. It was more of a gut reaction.

Since '05 just me and B, but in 2/08 E made three!
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