Should I expect a visit from CPS? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 57 Old 09-19-2009, 12:37 PM
 
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I think that if CPS had been called, they would have come out already.

My youngest got out right before his 2nd birthday. It was during Christmas break, all 4 kids were home, and I was putting away clothes in my bedroom, and the kids were watching TV in the livingroom. I came out and the door was wide open and no Youngest. The other kids didn't see him leave. I went out and didn't see him. I screamed his name. No Youngest. I told Oldest to get on his bike and look for the baby and I called 911.

Oldest came back and told me that Youngest was on the next block, and two ladies were bringing him back. They found him playing in a mud puddle, in his onesie, happy as a clam. I thanked the ladies profusely, while they blessed me out for him getting out. I was so grateful, I didn't complain. The cops showed up, within 5 minutes and thankfully, they did not call CPS. The one officer told me that he would not call CPS because I didn't have a record of my kids getting out and that he felt I had been through enough. I still went on a cleaning frenzy and watched my door for a few days. We also had a slide lock installed immediately at the top of the door.

It happens.

One other thing. I completed my college degree last Fall. I still managed to clean the house and care for my kids. My cousin just completed her PhD and still cared for her two kids and her home, and even held down a job. Your S.O. may be busy, but you are sick. Surely he can manage a couple of hours to clean up the house. I cannot believe that he has absolutely no time whatsoever. Not to be mean, but I think it seems awfully entitlement-minded or like a cop-out. I wonder how he would like it if he were sick and you had no time for him?
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#32 of 57 Old 09-19-2009, 03:10 PM
 
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CPS probably would have checked in with you if they were coming. Tell your husband to do the dishes and the laundry. You are sick and husbands should have compassion and love for their wives, especially when they are sick. If he isn't even willing to help out once a year when you are sick you need to re-think spending the rest of your life tied to him. School is stressful, but many single mom's go to school, work, and keep their kids clean and well fed. It isn't to much to ask that he does this for a few days while you recover.
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#33 of 57 Old 09-19-2009, 03:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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**long rant removed since this probably isn't the time or place**

There may be a thread in PaP soon, though

(besides, it's not like I have man-flu or anything )

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#34 of 57 Old 09-19-2009, 04:19 PM
 
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(besides, it's not like I have man-flu or anything )


BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Sorry. Totally OT, I know. But that's just so... true!

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#35 of 57 Old 09-19-2009, 04:49 PM
 
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it happens at this age i guess. my dh did this when he was about 18 mo/2 yrs old. early one morning he got up and decided he wanted to see the trains down the road so off he went. he was found walking down the sidewalk and brought back. no actions were taken against his family.

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#36 of 57 Old 09-19-2009, 06:32 PM
 
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Something sort of similar happened to me. DD, 4, opened the front door without me knowing and let DS who has just learned to walk out and we live in a second floor apartment! I ran from the laundry room and caught him right before he went down the stairs.

I think the people who found your little one saw your worry and concern and see what happened as a mistake and wouldn't call CPS on you.

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#37 of 57 Old 09-19-2009, 11:05 PM
 
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My ds escaped more than once over the course of a few days when we first moved to our old house. I didn't have internet so I had to sit in the doorway of the back laundry room (which opened onto the backyard) in order to pick up a signal. I would sit there while ds palyed a few feet from me in the yard. Once I stepped inside the hosue to get my phone and called him to come with me. He was right behind me, grabbing at my legs as I opened the closet door to get the dharger. Then I disengaged him from my legs so I step inside to get teh charger, and when I pulled my head back out, he was nowhere to be seen! I ran out the back door calling him, but he didn't answer, so I headed in the direction of the mailbox/sideyard where he liked to go. Turned out he had gone the other direction looking for our neighbor's puppy. By the time I found him he was three houses down, calling out for the puppy and completely unconcerned.

The worst part? It was a super hot day and he was playing with the water hose, so all he had on was swim trunks, which he apparently slipped off and left in the niehgbor's birdbath. When I found him he was completely naked. It was only about 5 minutes if that before I caught up to him (and it would have been sooner if I started looking in the right direction) but boy was that terrifying. I had visions of him eating dog poop, running into the street or worse.

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#38 of 57 Old 09-19-2009, 11:24 PM
 
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I've been through this too many times to count with more than one child.

The police have even been to see me after my neighbor (who is the one who called the police) tried to "catch" my daughter when she decided to go on a walkabout. (My little girl has been taught to NEVER talk to strangers and to get away as fast as she can if someone she doesn't know tries to approach her.) They also showed up when one of them was sitting out by the mail box waiting on the mail. A "well-meaning" individual decided to make that call. My oldest son when he was 3 would get a chair and unlock all the locks on the door and disapear at 6 am in the morning to walk across our apartment complex to our neighbors place. Just recently they were in to dialing 911 after my DH put in a new phone. I had a real nice visit with the police that day, and they did it again twice after that. We're almost on a first name basis with the poilce now.

Maybe there is a perfect mom or two out there who would be absolutely horrified and think you were the worst mom ever but it's not me. There's no way that i'm pointing a finger but i will give you a hug and kiss to tell you it's not the worst thing your child will ever do....I promise.

Lots of children try to "make a break for it" once in a while...no big deal. Just make sure they always want to come back home.

 

 

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#39 of 57 Old 09-20-2009, 03:38 PM
 
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which brings me to your concern about me not having support.. which I don't have. We just moved here, many states away from our family/friends, and we really don't have anyone to call. I would love for my partner to be here more but he says that he has NO time.. The free time that he does have, he has spent with other law students (which is going to be saved for another thread down the road ). I do manage to get things done (we homeschool too) but I can see how I look overwhelmed

I usually do well with everything on my plate, but def not during the 1x/year that I get sick.. (I most likely have H1N1, since it's all over our area right now).
Hi again OP, you didn't really say anything about whether you'd ever talk to your DH about having a plan next time you are sick. And it *still* sounds to me like he is unexplainably unhelpful/unavailable to help, which like I said I don't understand because I've been a law student and in emergencies there is always a way to accomodate school and your family if you have to.

You don't have to address this if you don't want to, but I just want to remind you again that you DO have the right to sit DH down and say "Ok, this didn't work well, and we need to figure out how you can help more with our child."

In my experience when DH's say they're too busy because of school/work/whatever, it never ends, even if that activity ends. If your DH is too busy to help you now while he's in school, what is it going to be like when he gets his first law job?

It's just not ok to not be there for your partner when they're sick unless you have a really excellent reason not to be able to be there. Your DH doesn't sound like he had that, and I'm still left wondering what your relationship with him is like and why you're not able to talk to him about this and try to work out something that will work for both of you...?

Whatever you do or don't do, I hope you're feeling much better and let's all be happy that CPS never showed up!
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#40 of 57 Old 09-20-2009, 06:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey LROM

My issues with dh were my *deleted* rant

I can't get into it much right now, but I'll post something in PaP.. I will say though, that I threw a sarcastic comment his way (unlike me, but I've been feeling off due to being sick) and he caught on quickly- and became very defensive

We do need to talk- especially about him picking on me when it comes to ALL of our (i.e. my) household/child related 'duties'..

(he had the nerve to say, yesterday, "I picked up the bathroom, and that's all that I'm contributing today" I would've appreciated it more if there was a mess or something, but there were, like, two pieces of tp in there and maybe a brush on the counter since I ALREADY CLEANED THE BATHROOM!.. )

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#41 of 57 Old 09-20-2009, 07:13 PM
 
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BTW,there is actually no way to know that. They might not be mandated as a result of their type of work, but in some locales, all residents are mandated reporters...or they could, for example, be foster parents or otherwise be mandated reporters for non-occupational reasons.
I work at the local elementary school 4 1/2 hours a week, and I'm technically a mandated reporter.

That said, I am the parent of a couple of children who were/are runners as little ones, and I understand that the little monkeys can get away when you least expect it. I probably wouldn't report a situation like the OPs. IMO, no harm, no foul.

A couple of years ago, at the school, we had an incident where a 2 year old girl walked 3 blocks from her home up to the school, which required crossing 3 streets. One of the staff members found her wandering around the campus. The office manager happens to live in the neighborhood, and recognized the child, called her older brother (a first or second grader) up to office to keep his sister company, and called their mom. Their mother wasn't answering the phone, so the police were called, and one of the staff members drove down to the child's house and found Mom looking frantically. IIRC, nothing came of it, except that now that Mom knows that her younger kiddo knows the way to brother's school. LOL
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#42 of 57 Old 09-20-2009, 08:05 PM
 
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I'm glad no one was called on you, OP!

LOL, I think our former next door neighbor just maybe needed to change the time she picked to be super-occupied fixing dinner.

Because it seemed like a somewhat more-than-just-occasional occurance that some late afternoons we'd be out playing, and this totally nekkid little 3yo would come out and start walking around, never very far from home though -- usually just over into our yard. One time she had a whole bunch of poop all over her backside too, LOL.

It never even crossed my mind that I should call anyone, though. The child knew me, so was comfortable with me taking her by the hand and walking her back to her house and knocking on her door. Her parents were always grateful.

Your situation is much more understandable because of your illness. With my old neighbors, I felt they were somewhat more lax than I would be comfortable with with my own kids, but their kids were obviously happy and loved. So I just walked her home if I was out there when it happened -- and if it happenend when someone else wasn't out there to notice, I imagine they noticed within a few minutes that she was missing, LOL.

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#43 of 57 Old 09-20-2009, 08:18 PM
 
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Mammal Mama in some ways I appreciate your lighthearted attitude to your neighbors, but in other ways it worries me that a child could wander over repeatedly naked, once with poop all over her backside, and no one would talk to her parents about it. I'm not saying that warrants calling CPS by itself, but even if the kids seem happy and loved, there is a level of neglect going on when your 3 yr old daughter can wander out of the house naked repeatedly and the parents don't do something about it.

Even though that little girl knew you and her parents knew you, we live in a world with a lot of sick people out there, and kids get snatched up from their own yards sometimes, never mind wandering naked to a neighbors house.

And what if you had a predator living in your house or visiting? You don't of course, but your neighbors don't know that for sure.

I would really hope that anyone in that situation would talk to the parents of the child and at least feel out where their heads are - do they really think it's not a problem? Are they not worried about where their child might one day walk to, even clothed, and especially naked, and what might happen to her? Then depending on how "with it" and attentive the parents seem, it might well eventually rise to the level of real neglect which is reportable for a reason: because kids can get really hurt by being neglected, even by seemingly loving parents. Maybe the parents just need a heads up and that's all... or maybe there are other issues. But that pattern sounds not ok.
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#44 of 57 Old 09-20-2009, 08:50 PM
 
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Can I just say the thing that I think I shouldnt be saying????????? I am totally stereotyping here, but this is the gist I get from my hubby and how he reacts and all the things I have read here.

They were men right? I dont think men even know there is a CPS. I think they are easier on the whole screw up thing than women are.

K, I said it. I think it is the pink elephant.
LOL speaking as a female....I wouldn't have called.

Sure if there was trash all over the yard and mama was unphased then yeah sure I would have called....but a distraught mommy who is clearly sick....I would hope a good samaritan would do the same for me.

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#45 of 57 Old 09-20-2009, 09:07 PM
 
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LROM, I guess I'm just aware that we all have different comfort-levels and different levels of trust in our fellow-man. I got the impression that the other mother had grown up in more of a close-knit-village kind of culture, and just felt pretty confident that the vast majority of people are kind and trustworthy -- and not abusers.

And in reality I think that's a more accurate picture of our human race -- yes horrid things do happen (though statistically much more rarely than we tend to believe), but sometimes I worry that dh and I, in our safety-consciousness, have given our oldest an exaggerated view of the dangerous world we live in.

I'm still not sure if we're doing it right. Our oldest is 9 and has started asking when we'll start letting her walk around the neighborhood by herself. But then we see open prostitution right here on our block sometimes, and we've previously had drug dealers living near us.

And so it seems like a greater-than-average chance, here, that if a young girl or even a boy is out walking alone, someone could kidnap them and, for instance, sell them to someone to get money for drugs, or something.

I don't know if there will ever be an age when I'll feel okay about her roaming the neighborhood by herself. We currently go for lots of walks together -- but she's feeling an urge to try her wings a bit.

And sometimes I wonder which is healthier -- our protectiveness, or the slight risk of letting her do a little independent roaming. On the one hand, I can't bring myself to let her go off alone, so there's no question of me actually taking the risk. I just can't.

I'm just saying that maybe she'd have a healthier childhood if I could -- if I somehow had a different comfort-level with all this. For now, she stretches her wings a bit by somtimes walking a little ahead of us when we are out walking. But I can tell she wants more.

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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#46 of 57 Old 09-20-2009, 10:04 PM
 
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If the maintenance guys routinely work in your area then I'm sure they would know if your child were constantly doing this type of thing. If it was a one time occurence I'm doubting they would call CPS. I'm sure they understood. Thank goodness they did find your child and returned them safely.

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#47 of 57 Old 09-21-2009, 02:15 AM
 
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I'm so sorry this happened, mama! What an awful feeling for you. Yes, these things happen to ALL of us, no matter how careful we are. I am the most paranoid mom I know, and listen what I did: I was backstage at my daughter's dance recital, and I was in a rush to get her costume change done in time for her to go onstage (we had about four minutes to change 3-year-olds from one complicated costume to another). I got her changed just before they lined up to go on, and I ran out into the auditorium to see her perform. I was making my way back to my seat beside my mom & my older son (halfway across the auditorium) when my mom said in a sort of panicky voice, "Where's Gavin?!" (my then 20-month-old) I had completely forgotten that I had taken him backstage with me to change DD. There were sooo many people backstage, too, and there were doors to the outside/busy parking lot, things he could have gotten hurt by, etc. I FLEW backstage, just knowing he would be gone, and there he was, standing exactly where I had put him down at least 7 or 8 minutes before! I felt like the worst mother in the world, and I just knew one of the dancers' mothers or dance teachers would call CPS on me, but it didn't happen.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Chances are, those men didn't think nearly as much of it as you did.

I hope you feel better soon!
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#48 of 57 Old 09-21-2009, 11:29 AM
 
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I've been through law school with kids, in fact I had another one in law school. It does not need to take up all of your available time, and if you have kids, you need to make sure it doesn't. Your partner needs to take care of academics, and he needs to be available as a partner and father. The extracurricular and social stuff is what can give.

I spent law school doing dishes, doing laundry, taking kids to the park, making school performances, and all the rest. Honestly, I had a lot more time then than I do now I'm working.

If your partner's needing morning to night to get everything done, he's doing something wrong and needs to come up with some better, more sustainable strategies. After first year law comes second year, after law school comes being a lawyer. His plan can't just be for you and his kids to exist in this separate little bubble for which he has no responsibility other than depositing his paycheck (once he starts getting one).
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#49 of 57 Old 09-21-2009, 02:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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mama- with the backstage thing- wow! I could see myself losing it.. I'm a little on the paranoid side too (if you can't tell by now ) and I can honestly say that I'm sure my nerves would've been all over the place in that situation (not only with the toddler- but making sure your dd has everything she needs.) for you...

Mammastar2, I keep hearing this over and over (that he should have more time) but he insists, over and over, that he does NOT- then he goes into how this and that needs to be cleaner, more organized, et cetera. And, yesterday, he got up, went to the school (to study, from what I knew), came home after three hours and let it slip that he was meeting up with some people in his class (wouldn't tell me how many or who) and didn't get any work done I asked him if this was for 'his' group (part of school- they meet 1x/week to go over cases) and he said that it was something they "made up"..

I'm sooooo crazy frustrated though! I wish I had three hours to 'hang out' followed by coming home complaining all night while I try to do the work that I should've done earlier.. and he didn't even clean the bathroom

(and this is when mods move my thread to PaP...)

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#50 of 57 Old 09-21-2009, 02:57 PM
 
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Mammastar2, I keep hearing this over and over (that he should have more time) but he insists, over and over, that he does NOT- then he goes into how this and that needs to be cleaner, more organized, et cetera. And, yesterday, he got up, went to the school (to study, from what I knew), came home after three hours and let it slip that he was meeting up with some people in his class (wouldn't tell me how many or who) and didn't get any work done I asked him if this was for 'his' group (part of school- they meet 1x/week to go over cases) and he said that it was something they "made up"..

I'm sooooo crazy frustrated though! I wish I had three hours to 'hang out' followed by coming home complaining all night while I try to do the work that I should've done earlier.. and he didn't even clean the bathroom

(and this is when mods move my thread to PaP...)
Geez. Yeah, I totally didn't do study groups or hanging out on campus when I was in law school, because they were mostly a big waste of time. Probably you end up with all kinds of happy memories, but if you've got kids your priority needs to be getting the work done, and getting out of there. I'd be about ready to go on strike if I were you, even though that's probably not a very mature response.

Maybe you and some other mamas can get together a 'housework group' and hang out at a coffee shop all day talking about how hard the housework is, and asking each other whether anyone remembers if the sale at the grocery store starts Friday or Saturday? Don't actually check though. Then have another brownie, come home late, and announce you're totally wiped from meeting with your group and didn't even get anything done, grumble grumble. Finally, ask to see his notes from class that day, and flip out that he hasn't properly collated them yet. Tell him that you're sure he's about to be expelled for his negligent approach to note-taking, that you're way too busy to help him out, but that it'll be all his fault when it happens.

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#51 of 57 Old 09-21-2009, 03:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe you and some other mamas can get together a 'housework group' and hang out at a coffee shop all day talking about how hard the housework is, and asking each other whether anyone remembers if the sale at the grocery store starts Friday or Saturday? Don't actually check though. Then have another brownie, come home late, and announce you're totally wiped from meeting with your group and didn't even get anything done, grumble grumble. Finally, ask to see his notes from class that day, and flip out that he hasn't properly collated them yet. Tell him that you're sure he's about to be expelled for his negligent approach to note-taking, that you're way too busy to help him out, but that it'll be all his fault when it happens.



OMG, I think I'll do it! I have a friend who stays home with 4 kids under 4 who would love it if I show up with brownies and grocery ads

(thank you.. you made me smile on a very annoying morning )

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#52 of 57 Old 09-21-2009, 03:25 PM
 
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I think you should expect a visit. I haven't read all of the replies, but if I saw a baby at a bus stop I would call 911 and CPS without question. In fact, I've called 911 because of an unaccompanied toddler next to a busy road.

Hopefully CPS will be understanding that you were sick and not well and it will end okay for you.

Healthcare is a human right!
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#53 of 57 Old 09-21-2009, 03:35 PM
 
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I think you should expect a visit. I haven't read all of the replies, but if I saw a baby at a bus stop I would call 911 and CPS without question. In fact, I've called 911 because of an unaccompanied toddler next to a busy road.

Hopefully CPS will be understanding that you were sick and not well and it will end okay for you.
Erm ... did you see the date of the OP? Would you really sit on the information for 3 DAYS and then suddenly call? THAT sounds helpful, LOL!

OP, I'm sure if someone had called you would have had a visit by now -- so I don't think you have anything to worry about.

ETA: freestyle mama, I just re-read your post and I see that you haven't read all the replies yet. So I can understand that you may not have noticed how much time has passed. I don't think the OP will be getting any kind of a visit over this.

But I'm just curious -- why would you call "no questions asked?" If there's a way for you to help the child get home, and you have an opportunity to meet the parent -- why would you jump the gun by calling CPS?

Would you even call CPS if, like the workers who brought the child home, you had the opportunity to learn that the mother was ill, and that this was just an isolated incident? If so, that's rather sad.

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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#54 of 57 Old 09-21-2009, 04:01 PM
 
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I was a mandated reporter for a long time. I think that shaped the way I see things. If a kid is in trouble, I think their right to be safe and cared for trumps their parents right to make a mistake, if that makes sense.

ETA. Yes I would call 911if I saw a baby outside near traffic alone without parents. If I knew the OP and her situation, no I wouldn't. But if I just saw the kid and no parent in sight? Absolutely. How would I even know the parents if I just saw the kid? If I saw a neighbor kid out by itself and it was otherwise cared for I would take the kid home. If this happened more than once and there were other reasons to think the kid wasn't care for, I would call.

I know this is an unpopular view here at MDC.

Healthcare is a human right!
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#55 of 57 Old 09-21-2009, 04:36 PM
 
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Hugs! Early this summer my youngest just walked away while we were in the back yard. I didn't notice that he was gone right away and then I looked in the garage and the neighbors yard first b/c that's generally where he'd go. Nope. He was sitting on the curb out front watching the cars go by. I got him back in the back yard and was hanging clothes on the line when the cops showed up. My ds jumped up and ran to the cop yelling "hi! hi! papa! papa!" and was trying to climb in the car and the cop was like "ok he's a wild one isn't he?!?" lol I said, yep and not scared of a thing. He said someone had called b/c they didn't see any adults near him while he was sitting on the curb. I said yeah, I was back here hanging clothes and weeding the garden and he ran off. I looked in his 'normal' escape places before I found him up front. It wasn't an issue he said. But...I installed fence posts and told dh that he and his dad were going to put up the fence I bought. I even got latches for the gates. At least *I* feel safer knowing that he can't really escape now!

Me : DD 5/05: DS1 7/06 : DS2 11/07: DS3 3/10
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#56 of 57 Old 09-21-2009, 04:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freestylemama View Post
If I knew the OP and her situation, no I wouldn't.
That's all I was asking.

Quote:
But if I just saw the kid and no parent in sight? Absolutely. How would I even know the parents if I just saw the kid?
And of course that makes sense. If the child is not able to indicate where his home is, so the adult can take him home and see what is going on with the parents -- then obviously calling 911 is the only way of helping the child. I sure don't think anyone should just drive on when there's a baby standing alone by traffic.

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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#57 of 57 Old 09-21-2009, 05:18 PM
 
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OMG MAMA! I feel so bad for you! My two year old ran away from me in Target once and the moment I lost site I was LITERALLY pooping my pants. I can't imagine how you felt.

I am neurotic about her constantly being in my sight so I have never lost her, really, but omg can I sympathize with you.

Sorry you are sick. I really doubt anyone reported you and if CPS comes, it was a mistake and most likely if oyur home is in order and you have never been reported previously it will be fine. Can you lock your doors from now on?? ((HUGS))
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