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Did you grow up with two homes-Did you regret your parents divorce?

8K views 117 replies 66 participants last post by  GoBecGo 
#1 ·
Hi... I was hoping to hear from adults that grew up with two homes, meaning their parents divorced sometime in their childhood. Did you regret their divorce? Or did you think it was probably the best thing they did? When you became old enough to understand, did you appreciate your parents thinking about your happiness?

I'd just like some real feedback from adults who have lived it. I have heard various stories...

If you hated and regretted it... why? Could they have done anything differently to make it better or easier on you?

Thanks for sharing.
 
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#27 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
Like this statement, why not pray that they work things out? I am not trying to be dense. Or are some people operating on the assumption that some marriages are unworkable?
Not everyone believes in God or the power of prayer.
 
#28 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
Like this statement, why not pray that they work things out? I am not trying to be dense. Or are some people operating on the assumption that some marriages are unworkable?
It was pretty obvious that my mom had serious mental issues that contributed to their constant fighting(very inappropriate fighting, dragging us kids into it; fighting about marital issues that the kids should NOT be privy to). Yes, I used to pray that she'd be a normal mother, and that they'd be a normal couple, but I hedged my bets and prayed for a few different outcomes. <halfhearted laugh>
 
#29 ·
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Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
I don't wish it and haven't in a long time (about aged 8) because I came to the understanding that they did try to work through their problems but in the end realized that no matter how much they wanted to get it all worked out it was emotionally and psychologically better for the children to sperate.

Like Storm says, sometimes two happy parents together is not an option. Even now, years and years later they have trouble being in the same room together. Something about the dynamic is busted beyond repair. And believe me, they have tried over the years to at least form some semblance of a friendship.
Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.
 
#30 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by JavaJunkie View Post
It was pretty obvious that my mom had serious mental issues that contributed to their constant fighting(very inappropriate fighting, dragging us kids into it; fighting about marital issues that the kids should NOT be privy to). Yes, I used to pray that she'd be a normal mother, and that they'd be a normal couple, but I hedged my bets and prayed for a few different outcomes. <halfhearted laugh>

thank you for your honest response. I wonder if tehre are more mentally ill people in the world than we realize.
 
#31 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Not everyone believes in God or the power of prayer.
Very true. I used to. I don't anymore. Well, not like I did as a kid, anyway. My beliefs now are more that the gods give us all strength to deal with things, but not necessarily fix things, kwim?
 
#33 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.
My parents married out of love (actually dad married bio mom and mom both out of love). The first marriage... bio mom went a little nuts, pulled a gun and shot my dad. No way there is gonna be any working that one out. The second time, a series of bad choices on my dad's part resulted in a rapid deterioration of the marriage. They still loved each other when they divorced, they didn't want the divorce, but in the end the damage that had been caused was creating a less stable home then a divorce would. Staying together would have been a selfish choice on their part, and my dad has had a tough time moving on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is sh** happens and sometimes you can clean it up, sometimes you can't.
 
#34 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.
Well said!
 
#35 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
I guess I always wonder in these conversations, why not wish they had gotten their acts together and made a happy marriage together? I am not being snarky. I hear that alot, "I wish my parents ahd split up, rather than fighting for 20 years (or whatever)" why not wish they had just grown up and gotten along?
Because no matter what one wishes for, the reality is that they got divorced and it would have been nicer for everyone if the 20 years of arguments and constant tension could have been avoided.
 
#36 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.
Yes. I've been there. I was that person. The man I kicked out in 2000, and finally divorced in 2002, wasn't even remotely close to the person I married. Some of that was change. Some of that was some (subtle) missed warning signs. A lot of it was that he was a talented liar and created a persona that appealed to me. But, he kept it up for years - we'd been together 6.5 years when we got married. When we split up, everybody blamed me - everybody. Then, his buddy that he went to live with after the breakup learned a few things. He flat-out apologized for the things he'd said about me, including the line, "I couldn't live with him for a month - I have no idea how you did it for almost 10 years."

We used to get along great. On a purely surface level, we got along right up until the breakup. If I found myself in the same room as him today, we could probably have a fun, animated, and even friendly, conversation about what Iron Maiden and Rush are up to, what books we'd read recently, how old friends are doing, etc. But, all the other stuff - carrying our own weight, ethics, values, etc. - we're not even in the same universe now.

And, I was completely ready to provide a loving, stable home for our offspring...all four of the ones I wanted, as a matter of fact. He, however, wasn't...and claimed he was...and was super uncle to his nephew...and said all the right things...and lit up when I got pregnant...and supported me through labour and post-op from the c-section...and when a diaper needed changing at 2:00 am, he was there. He said and did all the right things...until our son was about two. That's when I found out some of the not right things that had been going on behind my back since ds1 was about six months old. That's also when a lot of the wrong things started coming out of hiding.
 
#37 ·
My parents divorced when I was 4 and my sister was 6. My mom had custody, but shared 50/50 with my dad. They lived just 5 minutes apart in a very small town. My mom remarried when I was 7. My step-dad didn't try to overstep any boundaries, and my relationship with him today is every bit as close as my relationship with my mom and dad.

As my sister and I got older, my dad would often join us for get-togethers at my mom and step-dad's house. Now that my sister and I have kids, my dad comes to my mom's all the time when we're there. The kids also get to go back and forth between they're grandparents' houses, and choose where they're spending the night. It's pretty cool for them.

I'm not saying that my parents' divorce had no effect on me. I had some troubles as a teen, and I'm not sure if the divorce played a role in that or not. I don't really care. I have three parents who love me and their grandchildren. I really like the person I am, and I know that everything that has happened in my life has made me this person.
 
#38 ·
I grew up with married parents who clearly didn't like each other. I always wished they'd divorce. My mom eventually did divorce my dad, when I was 17, and she says the reason she finally did is because I jeered at her: "you're always complaining about him but don't have the guts to divorce him."

That said, when I look back now I am very very relieved I didn't have to spend time in a home run only by him, or even in one run only by her. Together they were imperfect but created the consistent home life every child deserves.

(I think most folks here know me well enough to know that I am NOT advocating that children are better off with two parents than one - not AT ALL! I just firmly believe, and can give you backup study citations for support, that all children do better with a consistent home and caregiver, not radical changes - like divorce or remarriage.)

My $0.02, FWIW, as the child of divorced parents who is herself a divorced parent. (No radical changes for my child though - I am an entirely, always-solo parent who has always provided a single, stable, loving, consistent home for my child.
)

ETA: I should add that while I don't think I suffered from my parents' divorce, as I was running off to college then and not particularly close to either parent, my then-15yo brother fell into severe alcoholism, drug use, expulsion from school and depression. Then and now (more than 20 years later) he blames my parents' divorce.
 
#39 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring.
My parents were able to provide two loving, stable homes for my sister and myself.
 
#40 ·
I regretted my parents staying together (which they did for 'the kids').

Seriously, life was horrible. And once they actually did divorce, there was so much hatred (topped off with my mom meeting a guy at the end and having an affair) that they were unable to be in the same room, let alone handle any parenting issues- literally, they had no contact after the divorce when I was 14.

Now, 13 yrs later, they still haven't talked, minus wishing each other well through me
My dad is moving in with us and my mom, although more ok now than she was when we first told her, is refusing to visit (but will meet us for dinner and such).

I really believe that they would've been able to remain 'friends' if they had split sooner rather than later.

But, this may not be everyone's experience


oh, and FWIW, my dad suffered from manic depression (undiagnosed) during their whole marriage. He is recieving treatment now which has completely changed him- for the better. My mom feels that she settled for too little, too early. She claims that she was never happy, but became pregnant after a few months of dating and was 'forced' to get married due to her [parent's] religion. They tried, but they probably shouldn't have EVER been together
 
#41 ·
My parents divorce when I was a freshman in high school.

I applaud my dad for "rescuing" me from my mother. I regret that he didn't do it sooner.
My mother has mental health issues that she won't seek continuous treatment for and it was damaging our lives.
I can tell by the state of her life today that I was much better off with one devoted parent rather than two who would always have been teetering on the edge.

But that's just my story...

Quote:
Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?
Yes, people can change that dramatically.
I know there are aspects of my personality that have permanently and drasticly changed over just the last year.
My Jan 2008 self wouldn't identify with my Sep 2009 self.
 
#42 ·
OP - Your DH is not a good father or husband. It would truly be best for your daughter to get out now. Staying together is going to be alot harder for her than if you were a single Mum. She is a baby and already your husband yells at her, that is just going to get worse as she gets older. She is going to see that it is OK for men to be disrespectful towards women and as she gets older she's going to wonder why you're such a 'doormat'. It would truly, truly be better for you to leave. If not for your own emotional health, but for your daugthers. Living with that man is going to give her some serious issues when she grows up.
 
#43 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Kids always wishing whatever situation they are in was the other way. What does anyone think about that?
I don't think that's true or common. My daughter has said several times that "I'm glad I'm not a switcher and I have the same home every night." (Usually right after a playdate ends early or can't occur because her shared-custody friend - a "switcher," in dd's vernacular - is going to her/his other home.)

Actually I can think of several of dd's friends who say that they wish they had just one home, but I've never heard a kid say she wished she had two. I think kids - including me - sometimes wish their parents were divorced, but don't realize the consequences of, let alone long for, two homes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I think what most kids really want isn't the "greener grass" of parents splitting up or not splitting up (whichever they didn't do). . . . I really think a lot of kids who wish mom and dad hadn't split up often really wish mom and dad hadn't had to split up.
 
#45 ·
I don't think that's true or common. My daughter has said several times that "I'm glad I'm not a switcher and have the same home every night." (Usually right after a playdate ends early or can't occur because her friend is going to her/his other home.)

Actually I can think of several of dd's friends who say that they wish they had just one home, but I've never heard a kid say she wished she had two. I think kids - including me - sometimes wish their parents were divorced, but don't realize the consequences of, let alone long for, two homes.[/QUOTE]

This is what i meant. But in some curcumstances, like the ops, i understand that a spit is necessary for safety reasons.
 
#44 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom View Post
My parents were able to provide two loving, stable homes for my sister and myself.
And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one? Do you knwo of many adults who have two homes? I think people (kids included) thrive on having a single place where they know they know they are safe. I think switching between homes has huge drawbacks, even if the homes are pleasant.

Full disclosure - my parents are divorced. I hated having two places - especially as i got older. and wanted to do things with my friends on the weekends, but was forced to choose between seeing my friends and seeing my dad. Also, i would have like to see my dad every night, rather than jsut on the weekends.
 
#46 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one? Do you knwo of many adults who have two homes? I think people (kids included) thrive on having a single place where they know they know they are safe. I think switching between homes has huge drawbacks, even if the homes are pleasant.
It depends on the people. I don't think I'd like it. My sister probably would have. As for adults...I had a roomie for a couple of years. He lived in about six different places a year before he moved in with us. In between that, and even when he was living with us, he couch-surfed a lot. He was quite happy to go to bed and wake up in a different place every day, or every week, or whatever. It suited him fine. I'd find it hellish, but I'm not everybody, yk?

I've known a few kids - mostly friends of ds1 - who do the two homes thing. A couple of them have a lot of trouble with it (in at least one of those cases, the parents can't agree on anything or resolve conflicts with civility). One of them seemed to like it (don't see her anymore). The others are all in the middle somewhere, as far as I can tell from outside.
 
#47 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one? Do you knwo of many adults who have two homes? I think people (kids included) thrive on having a single place where they know they know they are safe. I think switching between homes has huge drawbacks, even if the homes are pleasant.

Full disclosure - my parents are divorced. I hated having two places - especially as i got older. and wanted to do things with my friends on the weekends, but was forced to choose between seeing my friends and seeing my dad. Also, i would have like to see my dad every night, rather than jsut on the weekends.
I think the point being, two stable loving homes are better than one unstable, anger-filled home.
 
#48 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one?
I never said it is. All I mean by that is that it's possible to have two stable homes, one with each parent. Just because the parents are divorced it doesn't mean the children are ever faced with instability.
 
#49 ·
I had two homes where I felt safe. Once I was old enough to do it myself, I had free range on which home I went to. My dad's house was cencorship free and my mom's house had meals not cooked by me. While my two families were not as intertwined as doodlebugs' are, they were both stable, loving, safe homes and I was always happy to have the two of them.

Now even more so cause I get three christmases now.


One of the definitions of home is a place that offeres security and happiness. By that definition, I as an adult have many homes.
 
#50 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I've known a few kids - mostly friends of ds1 - who do the two homes thing. A couple of them have a lot of trouble with it (in at least one of those cases, the parents can't agree on anything or resolve conflicts with civility). One of them seemed to like it (don't see her anymore). The others are all in the middle somewhere, as far as I can tell from outside.
To add to this...my son goes back and forth between his dad and I.
Long story on why the marriage didn't work, but it didn't and this is where we are.

My kid enjoys it. It's like a mini-vacation to him. He says sometimes he's sad for so-and-so cause they don't have two houses. He an extreme extrovert though and he does need a break from introvertism, but, overall, he seems happy this way.
Course, this is the way it's been since he was just two so he wouldn't know any other way.

One house seems stifling to him.


Quote:
Now even more so cause I get three christmases now.
My kiddo would agree with you! he gets two b-day parties each year too.

I'm just glad he's ok with it so far.
 
#51 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom View Post
I never said it is. All I mean by that is that it's possible to have two stable homes, one with each parent. Just because the parents are divorced it doesn't mean the children are ever faced with instability.

I would say that yes, there will always be some instability during a divorce, at least in the beginning, while they're woorking stuff out. Who gets divorced and there is not one issue? If that were the case, then why get divorced?
 
#52 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom View Post
Just because the parents are divorced it doesn't mean the children are ever faced with instability.
Just because it bares repeating.

Instablility is one thing I never felt in regards to my homes.
 
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