UPDATED---Don't know what I should say to MIL about this situation----UPDATED - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 06:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My MIL has been at my house since Wednesday and has been saying that we should vacuum once a week and I told her that I vacuum every other day (yes--literally--every other day) but my 7 yrs old dd usually makes mess and leave behind tiny mess on floor. It can get frustrating asking her to pick up her mess or clean up after herself. Most of times she do listen but it just happened that she didn't listen when it was time for my MIL to arrive. AARGH but that's another story...

Basically, yesterday morning, my DD gave my MIL a hard time by being disrespectful and rude. I asked my dd why she was being disrespectful and my dd said that she didn't like what my MIL said to her when they had several conversations and I asked her what did MIL say to her, my DD was like, I don't know..its not important. I know that sometimes my MIL would say things that rubs me the wrong way or gets on my nerve or gets too patronizing but she is just trying to help. Whenever she tries to help but it feels like shes being judgmental. Then later on my MIL said to me that for Thanksgiving, please have your DD go to her father's house because she can not come to my house until she improves her behaviors and be respectful. I understood what she meant but at the same time, I felt hurt that she is somewhat rejecting my eldest daughter because she is not my husband's daughter and I wondered if one of my twins were to become disrespectful with her when they are my eldest dd's age, would my MIL say the same thing to one of the twins? I doubt it. I feel like my MIL is giving my eldest daughter a different treatment with my twins. I have been tossing and turning in bed thinking about this because I want to ask my MIL this question, "Are you going to make one of the twins stay home during the holiday because they were disrespectful to you or are you going to welcome them unconditionally?" I also feel like saying to her that, " if you are going to treat my daughter differently than you do with my twins, I know I will feel uncomfortable and hurt whenever I'm at your house because my daughter isn't welcomed there while the twins are always welcomed. It just is not right and unfair." I just don't know what to do because it hurts my feeling really bad.

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#2 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 08:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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23 views and no response?

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#3 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 09:11 AM
 
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I would just tell her either all of you are coming or none of you are.
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#4 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 09:27 AM
 
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I would just tell her either all of you are coming or none of you are.

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#5 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 10:37 AM
 
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I would have your husband talk to her (since she's his mom) and explain to her how horrible that is and to let her know that your family spends holidays together. If she wants you split up, you'll spend thanksgiving elsewhere)

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#6 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 10:47 AM
 
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I would have your husband talk to her (since she's his mom) and explain to her how horrible that is and to let her know that your family spends holidays together. If she wants you split up, you'll spend thanksgiving elsewhere)

This. It's completely rude to exclude one child from holiday situations just b/c they have an attitude. Geesh, if I would have been excluded from holiday stuff every time I got snippy with someone I wouldn't have left my house on holidays between 12 and 17 lol.

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#7 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 10:52 AM
 
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Tell MIL that DD is 7, get over it!!! Sheesh, she's a kid! And yes, that your family will not be split up for the holiday. Maybe if the two of them are willing all 3 of you can sit down and clear the air before November?

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#8 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 11:17 AM
 
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It's obvious your MIL is trying to punish both your dd and you with such a ridiculous request. I'd have DH on that one, too.

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#9 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 11:39 AM
 
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Oh, mama, that is toxic behavior. Your family is a package deal. MIL can accept that or she can spend the holiday(s) without you.

I would have your DH talk to her and let her know in no uncertain terms that if she finds herself unable to treat your DD equally, you will be forced to limit or even cease contact with ALL of the children. My own grandmother very obviously favored our cousins over my siblings and me (because she disliked my mother) and it was terribly hurtful. I wish my parents had cared enough to keep us away from that kind of pain instead of making us endure it because "she's family".

It's ridiculous, too, that your MIL is placing the responsibility of her relationship with your SEVEN-YEAR-OLD on the child's shoulders. Unacceptable, no matter how rude DD was. Don't let this go on for another minute.

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#10 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 11:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all Mama for validating my feeling. I knew that she was wrong for saying that. Right now, my MIL is huffing and being impatient because my DH is taking his sweet time getting ready to take her home. She said, I'm so tired and bored and I want to go home.. I'm like... walk out of here on your own!

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#11 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 12:00 PM
 
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I totally agree with what everyone else is saying. If this is what your MIL is like, she almost certainly did say something offensive to your DD to trigger a 'disrespectful' response. Watch their interactions closely and defend your daughter so she doesn't feel like she has to resort to 'rudeness' to defend herself. Jump in and redirect before anything can escalate and make sure your daughter feels safe and respected, too.
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#12 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 12:01 PM
 
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Tell MIL that DD is 7, get over it!!! Sheesh, she's a kid! And yes, that your family will not be split up for the holiday. Maybe if the two of them are willing all 3 of you can sit down and clear the air before November?
I don't even see how thiscould work. The 7 year odl and her step -grandmother need to celar the air? I think the MIL needs to read about child develeopment, and f she' doesn't want to, then the old, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all would serve her well.
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#13 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 12:21 PM
 
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id ask the daughter again what was said and depending on that i would talk to the mother in law about her being respectful herself. it may be that your daughter reacted to what was said to her first in defense of her self, was it a displine issue?
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#14 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 12:26 PM
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id ask the daughter again what was said and depending on that i would talk to the mother in law about her being respectful herself. it may be that your daughter reacted to what was said to her first in defense of her self, was it a displine issue?
This.

And also, it's possible that it took awhile for posters to respond because they were confused....like I was when I read the OP. What does the vacuuming have to do with the situation?
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#15 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 01:11 PM
 
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I don't know what about this thread it is but OP your post has me .

I think it really unfair of your MIL to say this to you! Send your dd away for a holiday! Nope this would not fly in my house or family. And I would let her know myself that I and my dc would not be going to her house for Thanksgiving and maybe even the Dec holidays because she is acting childish and obiviously doesn't accept me or mine as hers. And I do not alienate my children in that way!

No offense but I wouldn't even care what my DH would have to say on this- if he doesn't agree then I would question why I was even w/him in the first place.Me and my children as a whole came as a package when he came into our lives and he should put that commitment first.

Now to the poster who asked what the vaccuming had to do w/it- when I read the OP I thought she may be using it as a way of showing her MIL's treatment of her dd and that her MIL thinks her dd is adding work to her (OPs) work load at home. Which may show MIL bias against OP's dd. And the inccedent is what started the whole issue of dd being allowed at Thanksgiving. OP if I am wrong I'm sorry please correct me.

OP- I have a dd who just turned 8 and she sounds alot like yours- w/the cleaning up after herself and standing up for herself I believe it is the age. My dd will be "disrespectful" towards adults but she is not trying to be. I think older adults have asqewed vision as to how children should talk to adults esp once the child has started school- they see them as older and more mature than they really are and have their exceptations too high. The choice of words a child can use can upset them. I bet your dd is great!
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#16 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 01:20 PM
 
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I think the next time the subject of Thanksgiving comes up, you should make it clear that you and your family will be having a very special Thanksgiving in your own home, without extended family, you're having a great time planning the menu and you're all very excited about it (or you're taking a long weekend somewhere or planning to eat out or whatever thing you can think of that will make the day nice for you guys as just your family). When MIL asks why, I'd remind her that she uninvited your daughter and obviously she can't spend Tgiving alone and obviously you will all be together AS A FAMILY so you're starting the tradition of having Tgiving at your house.

Then get up and do something else and don't give her the chance to question you about it or ask questions. Just keep repeating, "but we already have plans" and leave it at that.
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#17 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 02:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This.

And also, it's possible that it took awhile for posters to respond because they were confused....like I was when I read the OP. What does the vacuuming have to do with the situation?

Haha... Forgive me! I'm laughing at your question because I agree with you.. what does vacuuming have to do with the situation...Basically, I was just ranting in annoyance with how MIL is... she is like, you should vacuum once a week (I vacuum every other day) , you should fix up this place (we will when we have $$), you should wash the windows (windows aren't our priority but we'll wash when we get to it) , you should walk the dog (of course we do but which part don't you understand that my dog is an OLD dog and he can't help it when he pees), you should clean the cat litter everyday (we DO clean the litter when it is necessary), you should do this and that (I'M NOT PERFECT LIKE YOU!)...etc..etc... And I was like YES I DO ALL OF THESE but at OUR own time... I'm not a superwoman and I don't have much energy to do EVERYTHING all at once! When I made the post, I just was pouring my thoughts off then realized that its not what I really wanted to talk about... what I wanted to talk about was how MIL rejected my DD and it really hurts my feeling. And my thoughts aren't exactly organized today because I HAVEN'T slept at all last night. I tossed and turned all night thinking about what MIL said to me and I couldn't believe she would say that to me and to my DD.

I told my DH that he will need to talk to his mother about how unacceptable her comment was to me and my dd. And that, I actually used one of the poster's concept by saying "We ALL go together as a family OR we ALL don't go" My DH nodded his head and gave me a facial expression that said "I agree". I told him that it was unfair that she treated my dd differently and then my DH said, "No, my mother is the kind of person who does not invite anyone who does not respect her to her home and even if one of the twins does not respect her, she will tell us not to come to her house until everyone respects her" I told him, "Honestly, I doubt it. I believe that she is treating her differently and that my dd is only 7 years old" He just nodded as if he agreed with me then walked away. Then, When I was on phone, my DH told me that my MIL said that "tell your wife that she doesn't have to come down to say good bye because she is busy on phone" and I was like, "ok tell her bye for me" but I was thinking to myself, "Wow! It only takes her few minutes to come upstairs to say bye but she didn't..interesting.." then I asked my dd if my MIL said bye or gave her a hug. My dd said "I gave her a hug but she didn't hug me back and I was like, oh ok." My dd shrugged her shoulder and said "oh well" then walked away.

I asked my dd again about what really happened and my dd said she just doesn't remember and that it wasn't really important and told me that she "promises" she would tell me if it was that important.

Mamastarbird--
"I totally agree with what everyone else is saying. If this is what your MIL is like, she almost certainly did say something offensive to your DD to trigger a 'disrespectful' response. Watch their interactions closely and defend your daughter so she doesn't feel like she has to resort to 'rudeness' to defend herself. Jump in and redirect before anything can escalate and make sure your daughter feels safe and respected, too."

I would love it if I were able to "listen" in to their conversations when they talk.. I'm always watching them interacting but I'm deaf and I often would get lost when one of them get upset. I always have to ask MIL "what did she say?" to my daughter "what did she say?" "what happened/whats going on?"


I'm really scared of losing my husband if my relationship with MIL turns sour from now on. I really hope my husband will stand by me.. I'm sure he will but at the same time, I'm so scared! I love him so much!!!! He has been SO good to me and my dd. My dd LOVES him a lot!

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#18 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 03:09 PM
 
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#19 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 03:47 PM
 
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then I asked my dd if my MIL said bye or gave her a hug. My dd said "I gave her a hug but she didn't hug me back and I was like, oh ok." My dd shrugged her shoulder and said "oh well" then walked away.
One of my earliest memories is of my grandmother doing exactly the same thing to me when I was four. Please, please don't allow your DD to experience this. It is emotional abuse and whether she shrugs it off or not, it HURTS.

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#20 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 04:36 PM
 
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Forget your husband, (not literally just in this situation.) and take the bull by the horns. YOU need to stand up to MIL.

I'd take her out to lunch, or utilize a time when you and she are alone and tell her precisely how you feel.

I had to do this with my own MIL. My husband wouldn't do it, and the truth is I was the one with the "beef", husband's often miss the subtle enraging nuances of MIL and DIL interactions and are blind to what's going on beneath the surface.

Your MIL is constantly putting you down and disrespecting you and your household. That's where I would start. She sounds like a know it all.

I'd tell her straight up:

"MIL I have some things I need to say. First off, we love how involved you are with the grandkids and we want you to be involved in their lives.

The problem is you're very critical of me and my housekeeping and mothering abilities. You're not welcome in our home unless you can be civil and polite. It's very rude to comment on someone's house keeping when you are a guest in their home.

And my DD will not be treated like an outcast. Children do rude things, they have attitudes, as an adult it is our responsibility to model mature behavior, not hold petty grudges.

In the future if you want to invite us to a family function we will all be coming, if one isn't welcome then none of us will come."

I would also tell your husband you're going to speak to her about it. He won't, and that's another issue you will have to deal with, but there's no reason for you to remain silent and allow this tyrant of a women to emotionally abuse you.

And I do label it emotional abuse. You don't enter someone's home and harp and pick apart their cleaning skills. That's just downright evil.
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#21 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 04:42 PM
 
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oh, your poor DD! When I think of an adult rejecting a hug from a 7 y.o. it makes me cry. For all she knows that is you dd's way of apologizing or whatever. To uninivite or disinvite for a holiday sounds so mean! I agree with pp's, you're a family unit and spend holidays that way. I personally wouldn't "go there" with wondering how she would potentially treat one or the other of the twins. That's pure speculation and you don't need something else to worry about. Just consider the situation at hand and don't let her bully your daughter! s to you!

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#22 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 08:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so grateful to my husband! He confronted my MIL on the way home and told her that her behaviors were childish. He told her that she CANNOT treat me and my dd that way. He also asked her "IF one of the twins behaved like or worse than H and would you still invite them? Give me an HONEST answer?!" MIL said "Yes, I would have and I haven't thought about how it would have made your wife and H feel rejected you are right and I was wrong. I'm sorry and I didn't realize my behavior and I will apologize to your wife and H." and my husband said, "Why DIDN'T you say good bye to my wife and H before you left? They were offended." My MIL said, "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking right and I will apologize to them." My husband said he is really sorry for the past weekend and that he will make sure that my MIL doesn't treat us like that again. I cried and I told him that I'm so glad that I've got his support. He said, "DO you remember when I told you before that when my mom reminded me that you came with a baggage and I told her that it wasn't a baggage...it was a bonus and my mom said she was proud of me when I said that. I love you with all of my heart and of course, your daughter IS an extra treat and I feel very LUCKY to have BOTH OF YOU IN MY LIFE and also the twins is a great blessing to share with you." then he gave me a hug and kissed me.

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#23 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 08:43 PM
 
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That's a great ending! I hope your MIL really saw the error of her ways.

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#24 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 08:49 PM
 
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I would have your husband talk to her (since she's his mom) and explain to her how horrible that is and to let her know that your family spends holidays together. If she wants you split up, you'll spend thanksgiving elsewhere)
This. I was your daughter, i was the "problem" and clearly not accepted in a step family, although I was tolerated. All or nothing I say.
PS saw the last post, YEAH! awesome DH!

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#25 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 08:55 PM
 
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I would have your husband talk to her (since she's his mom) and explain to her how horrible that is and to let her know that your family spends holidays together. If she wants you split up, you'll spend thanksgiving elsewhere)
I agree with this. I also think you should have him reassure her that you have both talked to her about how wrong her behavior was and how she needs to change it for the future. Having her write an apology note might also be a good idea, especially since she admits she was rude but doesn't give an actual reason for being rude. My dd is almost seven and I am noticing that she is very rude when she isn't getting her way and she gets a little snarky when this is pointed out to her even if it is done in a very gentle and loving way. Reminding dd before we go somewhere that I want to hear her speaking in certain ways and the reason for that really works well with her. You might try that with you dd before the grandma comes over again.
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#26 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 09:52 PM
 
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your dh =

also, your mil seems fairly reasonable. she had acted thoughtlessly and is : making up for it.
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#27 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 10:07 PM
 
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We actually ended up having a family splitting fight that started with my MIL saying I needed to vacuum more often. I joked about it with my husband and his brother, it got back to her...escalate from there to an actual fight on our patio.
If she doesn't like the way your children act, oh well. She's not their mother, you're doing what you think they need, and she needs to respect that.
Of course, I'm coming from a toxic IL relationship, but I wouldn't let her treat me or my children badly.

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#28 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 10:29 PM
 
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i think it is important to be particularly assertive with mil's...but at the same time, to be entirely dismissive of some things. for instance, if she wants to tell you the "right" way to vacuum...let her know that you have got vacuuming down; perhaps you even figured it out years ago and then completely disregard what she has to say. (thats what i do with mine anyway...)

but when she wants to exclude your child? i would let her know that it's a package deal or not at all.

good luck. tricky stuff.

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#29 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 11:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My dh and I already confronted my dd about her rude/disrespectful behaviortoward my MIL and my dd already apologized but I guess my MIL got fed up with repeated rude attitudes from Friday night then all day on Sat that she finally got fed up and said, she can't come to my house until she learns to be respectful and her behaviors improves. I remember thinking to myself, well what if it takes forever and what about the twins, will they get the same treatments? But am glad to see that its resolved...for now... but my defensive mode will come back if MIL happens to say that again to my DD. Next time, I'm going to speak up and I am not just talking about it.. I'm definitely going to walk the talk!

This morning, my MIL heard my daughter making a mess in kitchen by spilling some cereal on the floor and she exclaimed, H spilled cereal all over the floor and I told her, "Oh it happens..kids will be kids!" then I walked away to help my dd picking cereals off of the floor... my dd said, its just a little mess mommy and I told her, I know.. don't worry.. you made a little mess and you clean it up that's important. Don't worry about it then I gave her a kiss and told her that I was proud of her for cleaning her mess up. When I came back, I saw my DH asking my MIL why are you making a big fuss about tiny mess from cereal and MIL shook her head with no answer. What a dramatic weekend! I'm glad its just us and the pets.

I heartbeat.gif my  9/22/02  dd who likes to blahblah.gif, 4/29/09 mos old. silly & adventurous girl twins twins.gif ,  11/15/l0 girl baby.gif & my coffee drinking DH!
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#30 of 83 Old 10-11-2009, 11:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
"I'm so sorry you aren't happy here. Let me know when you've picked a hotel and I'll take you there!"
Exactly... if MIL is going to ban a 7 year old child from her home for being disrespectful, you have a right to ban MIL from your home for being disrespectful to your child.

My IL's pick apart my housekeeping skills too, my MIL gets downright nasty about it, and then they wonder why we don't invite them over anymore.
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