So 8yoDD walked in on...(TMI warning) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 60 Old 10-20-2009, 05:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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........


......................

My cousin (in her 30's) and her boyfriend (same age) having oral sex. Apparently very creative oral sex. (maybe I should be )



They were in her (my cousin's) private bedroom with the door completely closed. DD had asked me "where's Aunt Dianne and Tracy?" I said probably in her room, leave them alone.

She proceeded to walk down the hallway, open the door, and stand there.

They were in a ...precarious...position from the sounds of it. My cousin stayed calm and told her to leave, and DD didn't say anything to me about it at all. A little while later the boyfriend left (he's an old family friend...practically lives here anyways, even before she moved in...) and was clearly uncomfortable. She told me a little bit later that DD had walked in on them and they were mortified.

She's worried this will damage DD somehow (??) and my take is it's sex...it's not like they're running a meth lab, ykwim? Sex is for grownups, and walking in on sex is embarrassing for everyone, but it's not wrong or bad. That's pretty much the spiel I gave DD at least.

I talked to DD about personal space and privacy (a big one in our house, there's a specific rule that no one opens closed doors without knocking, this isn't a new concept or anything). I also told DD I'd appreciate it if she apologized to her aunt for walking in (I'm sure she will, they have a good relationship), and I said if she has any questions she can let me know, we have a very open discussion policy about sex.

So do you think I handled it ok? I apologized to Tracy via text message (he was at work by then) and told Dianne that we'd get a lock for her door.

Any other ideas? Words of encouragement to assuage that nagging doubt in my mind that maybe it IS damaging for her to see that? I don't think it is, and no one flipped out or created a complex for her to freak out about, but still...



FWIW a couple weeks ago the two lovebirds were in the throes of passion late at night (in my living room, serves 'em right...hence why they were careful to be in the bedroom this time) and woke up the 18mo toddler, who walked out of our room and down the hall to the living room. My cousin realized she was here and hid under the blanket, at which point the 18mo old waves and says "Hiya Day (her name for my cousin)...PEEK!"

:


........help......

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#2 of 60 Old 10-20-2009, 05:41 PM
 
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Not a parent yet, but FWIW I really admire how you handled it. I would like to think I could be as level-headed and open-minded in the same situation.
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#3 of 60 Old 10-20-2009, 05:46 PM
 
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Ach i think you've already handled it great. These things happen! LOL. DD once walked in when DH and i were in a compromising position and i especially was face down and in a moment of complete compromise and DD said "what's Mama doing?" and DH replied "she's just a bit tired so she's resting, go back to bed honey" and she did, and never mentioned it again.
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#4 of 60 Old 10-20-2009, 05:50 PM
 
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I think you handled it wonderfully with all parties involved! I know I'm striving for such an open, honest relationship with my kids as well! These things happen. Such is life. I certainly don't think she'll be damaged for life by it or anything. Like you said, sure, it is embarrassing but everyone will get over iut and move on. As you've already done, the best you can do is apologize and make plans to install a lock.

Nope, wouldn't be a huge deal for me. Embarrassing, yes. Unfortunate, yes. Disastrous, no.

If nothing else it will probably serve as one heck of a reminder to knock first!

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#5 of 60 Old 10-20-2009, 06:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Theoretica View Post
Any other ideas?
Install a nice door lock.

I think you did great BTW. But really, consider the lock.

ETA - Oops! I just re-read and saw that you planned on the lock. Missed that for some reason the first time around.

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#6 of 60 Old 10-20-2009, 06:14 PM
 
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I think the damage and trauma is always in how it's handled afterwards- not the sex part.

I walked in on my dad and stepmom (bleach drops for my eyes please!) and they got insanely angry.

My situation was a little different though, my stepmom and dad had said they were leaving to go down to the bar (I was probably 12) and that they wanted me to vacuum while they were gone. The vacuum was kept in their bedroom.

Well I didn't knock when I went to go get the vacuum because they'd said they'd left.

They got very POed and angry and acted like I was some sicko perv. Yeah.....

So I guess if everyone remains calm, and all of her questions are answered (if she has any) and doors and privacy and knocking is explained in a non defensive non angry way I'd say everything is great.

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#7 of 60 Old 10-20-2009, 06:50 PM
 
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Sounds like you handled it great! Better than we did the time Nicholas thought we were playing horsie...

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#8 of 60 Old 10-20-2009, 06:53 PM
 
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#9 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 12:26 AM
 
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I think you handled it great, too.

I still remember walking in on my parents.. I don't remember how old I was, but young enough not to really know what was going on. My mom just yelled at me to get out of the room and it was never spoken of again. My childhood family had a lot of big elephants in the room though, so this was nothing new, it was just another uncomfortable thing that we never talked about. I'm going to try very hard to not have this kind of dynamic in my family. DD is just a baby though so we're only getting started.
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#10 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 12:45 AM
 
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Sounds like you handled it just find. It's pretty much what we did when DD walked into our bedroom and recieved a very visual lesson on oral sex. She hasn't been scarred for life either and claims she barely remembers it.

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#11 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 12:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ahhhhh thanks you guys!!!

I have a feeling when she's a few years older it will all 'click' and she'll be properly horrified that her beloved Aunt Dianne was doing THAT....

I really appreciate the reassurance though, DH and I are totally not freaked out but I wanted to be sure that I'm not under reacting or anything. She did walk in on us when she was younger, but she definitely doesn't remember that.

Betcha she remembers to knock from now on....LOLOLOL

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#12 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 12:59 AM
 
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You were great...it will all be fine...someday everyone will laugh...tonight I am the one LMAO....thanks
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#13 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 01:03 AM
 
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I think you did great. We had a similar situation when our DS was 6 (only with US, not relatives ), and we handled it much the same way.
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#14 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 03:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post
I think the damage and trauma is always in how it's handled afterwards- not the sex part.
I think that's true of most everything, really. Children take cues from how you act and I think you acted beautifully. Sex isn't dirty, nobody did anything wrong, etc.

Good job, mama!

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#15 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 09:45 AM
 
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You did great!

 
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#16 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 09:46 AM
 
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I can't think of a better way to tell someone to handle a situation like that...you did GREAT! I'm taking notes!

Like another PP said...sex isn't the problem, it's the family's relationship with the idea and the way the parents treat it that causes "damage"...she saw a totally normal, responsible adult activity going down...not a big deal unless you make it one, yk?

For pete's sake...do get your poor sister a lock...and pat her on the back for me...they sure seem to make lots of time fer "lovin'"...good for them!

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#17 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 09:52 AM
 
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I think children have been "accidentally" seeing adults have sex since the dawn of human history. It happens.

I think that like the PPs said, it's how you handle it that's the important part. It seems like you were level-headed and calm and reassuring and were ready to answer questions in age-appropriate terms if questions were asked, and that's to me exactly the right approach.

You've communicated that sex is for adults, it's private, but it's normal and healthy, and that walking in on somebody is a breach of privacy that requires a simple apology and more care in the future. Which sounds like a good message to me.

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#18 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 10:10 AM
 
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You handled it very well!
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#19 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 11:03 AM
 
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Not a parent yet, but FWIW I really admire how you handled it. I would like to think I could be as level-headed and open-minded in the same situation.
yep! I worry all the time that my 14 or 8 yr old will walk in on DH and I.

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#20 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 03:33 PM
 
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I think you handled it well, but I am curious to know why they don't lock their door, even with the privacy and knocking on doors a priority, especially with young children in the household.

Not judging, just asking.
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#21 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 03:42 PM
 
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I think you handled it beautifully. It's exactly how I'd handle it if DS walked in on somebody- I'd focus on the importance of privacy and knocking on doors. I'd answer any general sex questions he might have afterwards, but I wouldn't use this opportunity to introduce any new concepts (other than "some grownups have sex, and it's done in private.")

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#22 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 03:57 PM
 
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You did great. But, yeah, a lock would be a good idea .
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#23 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 11:32 PM
 
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"...she saw a totally normal, responsible adult activity going down...
*snort*

"going down"

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#24 of 60 Old 10-21-2009, 11:52 PM
 
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Here I am wondering what kind of weird position they were in!! I am a sick girl for wondering!

Ohhh I dread the day my sons might walk in on us...but you handled it well! I hope to have the same calm demeanor if that ever happens to me!

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#25 of 60 Old 10-22-2009, 12:02 AM
 
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lol. stuff like this is so funny to me, and normal. I have walked in on my parents a time or two and have heard them have sex my whole life (we lived in a small house). The way they handled it made all the difference. I know my parents love each other and have a good relationship.

When ds was just over two or so he was asleep in the other room so dp and I were able to "play" in our own bed (rare for us cosleepers). Well in the middle of said play my sleeps through the night child came in and loudly exclaimed " Mama and Daddy wrestling!" and promptly jumped on the bed.

Yeah, that was fun......
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#26 of 60 Old 10-22-2009, 04:37 PM
 
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I think you - and your cousin and her bf - handled it perfectly.

When DD2 walked in on DH and I in a, um, similar situation, my first reaction was total panic. DH calmly asked her what she was doing up (getting a glass of water and she'd come to investigate a noise she heard in the spare room...) and sent her back to bed.

The next morning she and I had a talk about it was normal (but yes, it looked weird) and no it didn't hurt daddy, and how if she hears noises the thing to do is find us, not check them out herself - and to always knock on doors and wait for an answer!

I keep reassuring myself that DD2 will not be scarred for life, and will hopefully grow up with an open and healthy view of sex.

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#27 of 60 Old 10-22-2009, 04:51 PM
 
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I think you handled it well, but I am curious to know why they don't lock their door, even with the privacy and knocking on doors a priority, especially with young children in the household.

Not judging, just asking.
The OP said she told her cousin she'd get her a lock. There isn't one on their room right now, from the sounds of things.

OP: I think you handled it just fine. Nothing to worry about.

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#28 of 60 Old 10-22-2009, 05:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by blazer
I think you handled it well, but I am curious to know why they don't lock their door, even with the privacy and knocking on doors a priority, especially with young children in the household.

Not judging, just asking.
I know in my house we feel locks that kids can reach (and i have a kid who will fetch a chair to reach whatever she wants, lol) are far more risky to childrenthan the possibility of an "oops" when they witness something that should've been private. My DH's brother once had to be rescued by the Fire Brigade because he locked himself in (and the rest of the family out) of the kitchen (in an old-fashioned house with locks on every room door). I would take DD catching us over a visit from the Fire Brigade/broken door/worse any day.
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#29 of 60 Old 10-22-2009, 10:41 PM
 
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I'm sure she'll be fine. I bet it'll make her think twice before walking into anyone's room again! LOL
Getting a lock for her door might be a good idea but I'm pretty sure that kids walk in on their parents like ALL THE TIME and this is probably way less gross.
I agree with everyone else. You handled it wonderfully.

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#30 of 60 Old 10-22-2009, 11:01 PM
 
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I know in my house we feel locks that kids can reach (and i have a kid who will fetch a chair to reach whatever she wants, lol) are far more risky to childrenthan the possibility of an "oops" when they witness something that should've been private. My DH's brother once had to be rescued by the Fire Brigade because he locked himself in (and the rest of the family out) of the kitchen (in an old-fashioned house with locks on every room door). I would take DD catching us over a visit from the Fire Brigade/broken door/worse any day.
I sure hope they weren't doing anything in there that they might need the fire department for! You must have a very interesting sex life
Seriously though, our interior doors have locks that can very easily be opened from the other side with a butter knife or something. They are more like a reminder that the person inside the room doesn't want the door opened and you should knock.

OP you handled it great and I'm sure she WILL knock now, lol.

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