I am furious... what would you have done? UPDATE IN OP - Page 8 - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-24-2009, 06:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
How would they have stopped him exactly? I mean I'm guess this happened pretty fast just like the toddler hitting the baby thing did.
But would they have not spoken up- like, Hey, take it easy, WHOA, calm down, or even Wow, DS are you ok? SOMETHING, SOME reaction. From the sounds of this, the other two mothers had not much of a reaction, but to leave after the hostess went upstairs, for what seems like a long, uncomfortable time, without really saying what was going on. I am really surprised at that mostly, I mean, I understand her wanting to put her son to bed, yes. But, I guess, if it were me, I would have brought him to his bed, calmed him quickly, and told him I was going to tell the guests that we were going to have naptime now. Instead, it sounds like she just went upstairs and stayed there til they left, with no further communication with anyone.
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Old 10-24-2009, 06:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow View Post
This reluctance seems to me to say that it wasn't this big shove that it seems you have made it in your head. Do you think your friends would have stood there and watched while he shoved your child hard? I doubt it. I suspect, like many here, that this was a gentle push to get your son off his 1 year old. You're son probably did stumble back and fall. Not alright, but not this huge drama it seems to have become for you and this other family.
I totally agree with this. As in op asked friend did baby's daddy throw my son across the room when he tapped the baby on the head? And the friend said, yes, he pushed the boy away from the baby, and your son stumbled backwards and fell on his butt.
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Old 10-24-2009, 07:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by petra_william View Post
me: i dealt with that at the time and im sorry it happened but i cant glue william to me all thetime and i cant predict when he might do it. all i can do is deal with it and apologize. i couldnt quite believe she was still laying all the blame on me...

should know better than to assault a child.
she then put the phone down on me and dp took a walk to town to the police station.

im just gutted that this escalated so much, i wish thedad cold have just left me to deal with the situation in a way i deemed appropriate.
Yes, you CAN be glued to William's side when you are with other kids, especially younger ones - and that is what is REQUIRED at this stage of his development. If you can't predict when he will hit, that is even MORE reason that you MUST be right next to him at all times during playdates. What you can and should do is BE THERE to stop it before it happens NOT just apologize after another child has been hurt. The blame is being laid on you because - honestly - that is where it belongs. If your child is too young to know better or stop himself then you are responsible to do so for him.

And the baby's dad did NOT assault your kid! One, you didn't see it. Two, does the mom who did see it think you should call the police??? Three, he was trying to protect his baby from another injury. Your dp going to the police with this is absolutely bizarre and uncalled for. Given the information in this 11 page thread, I would not let my kids be around yours - not because he hits but because you and your dp can't be rational about what is "call the cops" worthy and what is normal, we can work through it kid stuff.

And you wish the dad had let you handle it... I'm sure he wishes you had handled it too - but before his baby was hit a second time. You ignored your responsibility. The baby got hit again. Your son was physically stopped from hitting the baby again and fell/lost his balance/was pushed/whatever - we don't know! But while you point the finger at this dad, why aren't you acknowledging that ALL of it would have been avoided if YOU WERE THERE? I don't care if you have an open floor plan. Known hitter=mom next to him.

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Originally Posted by Viola View Post
My husband completely disagrees with me and we just had a little argument. He said, "Eff that, I'm not saying the kid is evil, but if he's hurting my daughter, I'm going to stop him and I won't care if he falls down in the process."
My dp and I would agree with your dp. You can start out as nice and as gentle as you want, but this kid doesn't get free reign to hit my baby in the head multiple times as long as he aplogizes and kisses her later!!

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Originally Posted by petra_william View Post
as for *how* ds hit (not making excuses, just trying to clarify) ... typically he will be playing quite calmly and then literally out of nowherehe will hit or push. just the once, kind of like waiting to see what reaction he would get iyswim. he doesnt go angry and start yelling or anything and start pummeling again and again, it is literally just one hit and then he waits...this makes it extremely difficult for anyone to intervene as its so unpredictable. WHY he does it? no idea...
If you KNOW that he hits or pushes "literally out of nowhere" then you have to SHADOW HIM like a hawk! 100% of the time - until this phase is over. I don't care if he hits or pushes while singing Jesus Loves Me - it is just as wrong whether he seems angry when he does it or not. And why he does it - we may never know. What we know is that you, as the responsible adult, must be right there all the time when other kids are around - or don't be around other kids.

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Originally Posted by petra_william View Post
i still havent had an apology
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Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post
have you apologized yourself because frankly I think that is warranted too.
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Originally Posted by petra_william View Post
i have yes, and ds wanted to too
I understand not forcing apologies that aren't genuine - but regardless of whether ds apologizes and how he does it, YOU are still required to apologize - both that your ds hit his baby but also that you weren't watching closely enough to keep it from happening. It isn't just about ds's wrong; it is about yours too. YOU owe him and his baby an apology completely separate from your son's apology. There are two wrongs (in this case three though I understand his and your son's) and equal number of apologies due.

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Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
Seems some folks have some mighty high expectations of two year olds. And expecting more of an apology than the mom trying to facilitate one from the offending child (which was pretty much rejected by the dad in this case)? That just dumbfounds me. Does it need to be a handwritten formal apology or what?
I don't have higher expectations of an almost three year old. I DO have higher expectations of his twenty-five or thirty or forty year old mother.

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Originally Posted by Spirit Dancer View Post
Also if a toddler just hit my dd in the head then his mom brought him over to kiss her sorry I would NOT turn her face to him on the off chance he hit her again.
Me either!!! That kid has just hit her twice; I'm not making it easy for him to get her a third time... THAT seems like bad parenting to me - how would your kid trust you if you lowered her to the kid who just hit you twice?? We are now caring more about the hitter's apology not being able to be completed in the way his mom wants than the baby feeling physically safe??

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Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
If you DO report and it IS investigated, then the moms who actually witnessed the incident will tell the story from their POV and things will proceed from there.
Yep, and I doubt anyone will ever participate in playgroup with the OP and her son ever again - it is not safe to do so! The cops being called on another parent because the OP didn't do her job of watching her known hitter? Kiss the friendships of all these playgroup moms goodbye - to be called in to testify over this completely ridiculous situation. I'd be so done with anything more than a curt "hello" as we pass in the playground parking lot.

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Originally Posted by Ofwait View Post
OP and the update..... Wow, that is all I can say. You are creating a huge scene, your DH is creating a huge scene. Over something that you have second hand and your DH third. I hope that you realize that taking something like that to the police is going to get YOU labeled as the kooks...

This was a situation that was handled badly on both sides, the actions your family is taking now could take this from an unfortunate situation to an out right disaster.... tread carefully.... but really LET IT GO!!!!!
This! Going to the cops with this doesn't make HIM look bad; it makes YOU look bad. Please take a deep breath and let it go. Just walk away from the whole situation.

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Originally Posted by North_Of_60 View Post
Here you have a 2.5 year old who you know is prone to hitting right now, and since you're not willing to be 100% vigilant in supervising him around other children I'm wondering what your idea of "dealing with it" is? Apologizing?

I think you owe it to the kids your son is playing with to be 100% on top of supervision, which means, yes, he will have to be glued to you at playdates. If you have to leave the room, Take him with you. Or skip the playdate if it won't be possible for you to watch him the entire time.

You seem hell bent on apologies, but have not mentioned anything about preventing it, which I think is more important.
Yes, preventing it is your #1 priority right now. Apologizing doesn't mean squat if you just let him do it over and over and over.

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Originally Posted by North_Of_60 View Post
And on the issue of involving the police, I'm just floored that you're even considering it. As someone else mentioned, you will inevitably involve everyone at the playdate (as they'll be your witnesses since you didn't actually watch the situation unfold)

you're child is a known hitter and you're refusing to supervise him 100% the time while he's with other children. Do you not see how ugly this has the potential to be? And what a complete and utter waste of resources it is?

I think it really sucks that you guys think this is important enough to deter the police away from catching REAL bad guys. People who use the police (and CPS and such) as a tactic for personal fights are abusing the system and potentially causing harm to people who really need the police for REAL crimes.
Thank you!!

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Originally Posted by petra_william View Post
i deal with williams hitting, when it happens.

it doesnt help that my brother had to close the shop down that he inherited from my dad and has been in the family for over 30 years, that my scan revealed that i might not be able to have a normal birth, never mind a homebirthb and that dps step dad who is like a dad to him is dying.
please be gentle with me i feel bad enough about this situation as it is.
I am really, truly sorry that there are so many scary/sad/stressful things in your life right now. I think you are letting all THOSE things cloud your judgment in THIS situation.

And you need to deal with William's hitting BEFORE it happens. If you aren't able or willing to shadow him around other kids then don't take him around other kids until his hitting phase is over.

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Originally Posted by JL83 View Post
I'm stunned that you (the OP) think it's appropriate to have your son KISS a child he's just hurt.

I'm sorry, but there's no way I would have lowered my hurt/crying child so that your son could kiss her. That's way beyond the realm of normal.

There are other way for him to say sorry. He can use the words. He can make the sign. You can say the words for him. Before my DD was able to say "sorry" I would say the words while she made the sign.

I think it's ridiculous for you to expect the injured child to accept MORE physical contact with the kid who just hurt her. I don't blame that dad for not lowering her.
Me either.
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Old 10-24-2009, 07:45 PM
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when i asked the other mum she said "we-eell.. yes he did push him..." she was reluctant to take sides as such but knew she couldnt lie to me. my son landed over a metre away from the sofa where the incidence took place so he didnt "just" fall back, his legs arent *that* long (and yes that is an attempt to lighten things up by joking... *sigh* even if just for myself)

oh the other thing, im saying i was in the kitchen but its kind of open plan-ish so i only had my back turned, if i would have been stood in the exact same place facing the other way i could have seen everything so i wasnt *that* far away iyswim (just get the impression that people think i was completely absent yk?)
i only had to spin round and take two steps and i was there so there wasnt really time for any of the other mums to react.
I guess what I don't understand from reading how you could have seen this all if you turned around is, if the dad really shouted at your son wouldn't you have heard it and come running? Also wouldn't you have heard this supposedly major pushing incident (i.e your son yelling as he fell or something). I guess I just am not so believing that your son was violently pushed as your are describing it.

Also it sounds like you asked "did he push my LO??" to which the guest reluctantly replied yes, is that right? I feel badly that your son fell but really I feel like you are trying to make it sound as though this dad literally shoved him away and it just doesn't add up from all that I've read.
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Old 10-24-2009, 08:00 PM
 
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Honestly, I'm kind of stunned that anyone would think it inappropriate, that is of course unless the child showed that she did not want any more contact. We don't know if that was the case here. If so, then of course that would not be cool. But otherwise, I don't see the problem.
Where I come from a kiss is something that's friendly and done between 2 consensual parties.

If 2 toddlers kiss each other, then that's fine.

I think that using a kiss instead of an actual apology is ridiculous. I think it also teaches inappropriate boundaries.
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Old 10-24-2009, 09:03 PM
 
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Where I come from a kiss is something that's friendly and done between 2 consensual parties.

If 2 toddlers kiss each other, then that's fine.

I think that using a kiss instead of an actual apology is ridiculous. I think it also teaches inappropriate boundaries.
I guess I'm not assuming this was unfriendly or nonconsensual. If it was, then yeah, that would be some serious boundary crossing.

But the OP never said anything about the baby still crying or being afraid or anything (although it's along thread so who knows). And if this baby is anything like my two kids at that age, then once she had stopped crying and calmed down (and remember the OP had taken her child upstairs so some time had passed here) she had likely forgotten about the incident and was ready to move on. IME, babies don't hold grudges.

As far as a kiss being ridiculous, I think that's coming from an adult perspective. This kid is 2 and I'm guessing was just doing what came naturally.

Should mom maybe try to work with him on something a bit less touchy? Perhaps. But you are making what he did sound sort of perverse and aggressive which I just don't understand.

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Old 10-24-2009, 09:09 PM
 
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I see kisses as invasive and involve the other person getting in my personal space. I have a DD who has never liked people coming into her personal space uninvited.

It bug me to no end when other kids want to give her a hug or a kiss because she then pushes them away from her and I get dirty looks from the other parent.

I think it would be much better if the OP said "Jonny would like to kiss her head better. Is that OK". And then the dad could have said no. And then the OP could have used her words to apologize and shown her son what he should have done.

I don't think kisses are an appropriate substitution for an apology.
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Old 10-24-2009, 09:17 PM
 
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Honestly, I'm kind of stunned that anyone would think it inappropriate, that is of course unless the child showed that she did not want any more contact. We don't know if that was the case here. If so, then of course that would not be cool. But otherwise, I don't see the problem.

Of course, I can see how someone might not feel comfortable lowing their baby even if the baby seemed okay with it (although I would), but I would think the parent in that case would at least try to acknowledge and accept the apology somehow. Seems really petty not to IMO and also sets a pretty crumby example for all the children involved.
I wouldn't let a child who just hurt my child hug her or kiss her. I don't want her thinking it is okay for someone to hurt her just as long as they hug or kiss her afterwards.

OP: I think you are blowing things out of proportion. I doubt that many people would just sit there while someone shoved a child roughly. It sounds like you are having trouble accepting your son's part of the blame in this and in his over all pattern of violence that has driven this mother to stop letting her children come into contact with yours. That denial is going to make your son believe his violence is okay and it is going to make the violence occur more frequently until you accept that you need to find a way to gently prevent or stop your son's violence rather than trying to find ways to excuse it.
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Old 10-24-2009, 09:44 PM
 
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I wouldn't let a child who just hurt my child hug her or kiss her. I don't want her thinking it is okay for someone to hurt her just as long as they hug or kiss her afterwards.
I guess I just want to teach my child to accept genuine apologies, practice forgiveness, and not hold grudges. If a child who hurt my child seemed genuinely sorry and wanted to offer a hug and/or kiss and my child seemed open to that, I would see no reason to prevent it. Again, I am talking about consensual actions here.

And I think this is getting way OT here, so that's all I have to say about that .

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Old 10-25-2009, 01:16 AM
 
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ETA: In what world is an almost 3yo a "baby"???? That's really blowing me away. I'm around alot of 2 to 4 yos and there is a definite change as they come past 2 and start to head towards 3. The baby fades and is replaced by kid. I haven't met a 3yo yet who isn't basically all kid and no baby.
DS2 is 4.25. People who don't know him often guess his age at 2, even though he's quite big. He both looks and acts quite a lot younger than he is. I personally wouldn't call him a baby, because I generally reserve that term for very young children (pre-walking, mostly)...but many people would.

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Old 10-25-2009, 01:21 AM
 
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I think that using a kiss instead of an actual apology is ridiculous. I think it also teaches inappropriate boundaries.
I've seen kisses (or hugs) being used as apologies, spontaneously, by at least half the toddlers I've had dealings with. People can handle it however they want, and I can see someone finding it inappropriate - but it's not ridiculous.

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Old 10-25-2009, 02:16 AM
 
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IF the dad really shoved your son hard I would agree with you being upset. BUT I know I've had to break my two little ones up before and I hold one in one arm which only leaves the other arm to push the other child away.. never hard.. but so that they step backwards. More than likely that's what the father was doing.. IF the child was SHOVED then maybe you should reevaluate the friendship you have with the other mothers in the room.. Shouldn't they have made a big commotion over it?
Another thing.. it drives me BATTY when a toddler repeatedly hits,bites,pinches my kids. I understand they go through those stages, but if it's happening on a REGULAR basis then that child shouldn't be left unattended by the parent. I don't blame the "dad's" wife at all for being mad. If my child kept being hit by another I'd have to stop having playdates with them.
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Old 10-25-2009, 02:25 AM
 
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I have been the mom of the only boy in an all girl play group. And, I had "that" kid - the hitter. And, at 2.5 y.o., he did hit just to get a reaction - he would do it seemingly out of the blue, do it calmly and then just sort of watch what the other kid would do (usually cry). I feel really fortunate that I was surrounded by a group of moms that was really understanding and accepting of my son and never labeled him. However, I think they were willing to be accepting and tolerant of his "developmentally appropriate" stage because I basically was glued to him when we were at play groups. I sat right next to him, moved around with him, caught his arm mid-air when he was about to hit (and sometimes, I missed - he was really fast!). If I had to go to the bathroom or do something, I would ask a specific mom to sit with him while I was gone. She had to be glued to him!

I also completely agree that 2 year olds have poor, poor impulse control. But, I think they are also capable of learning that their behaviors have consequences. After a couple of months of this, and no change, I finally decided that we would leave play group if he hit. We talked about it before we would go in ("we are going to X's house to play. You may not hit. If you hit, we will leave." - keep it simple). And, then when he hit (or tried - I was still glued to him at that point), we left. He was sad and cried, and it took a few times. But, he stopped hitting. If the play group was at our house, we ended it at that point.

My experience is that parents are willing to be forgiving when their kids get hurt - as long as you, the offending child's parent, are on top of it.

In the OP's situation, I think both parents are at fault. It is unfortunate that it has escalated to this point. I would take note of what your role in all of this is, what you can do differently next time, and then just let it go.
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Old 10-25-2009, 02:36 AM
 
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I have been the mom of the only boy in an all girl play group. And, I had "that" kid - the hitter. And, at 2.5 y.o., he did hit just to get a reaction - he would do it seemingly out of the blue, do it calmly and then just sort of watch what the other kid would do (usually cry). I feel really fortunate that I was surrounded by a group of moms that was really understanding and accepting of my son and never labeled him. However, I think they were willing to be accepting and tolerant of his "developmentally appropriate" stage because I basically was glued to him when we were at play groups. I sat right next to him, moved around with him, caught his arm mid-air when he was about to hit (and sometimes, I missed - he was really fast!). If I had to go to the bathroom or do something, I would ask a specific mom to sit with him while I was gone. She had to be glued to him!

I also completely agree that 2 year olds have poor, poor impulse control. But, I think they are also capable of learning that their behaviors have consequences. After a couple of months of this, and no change, I finally decided that we would leave play group if he hit. We talked about it before we would go in ("we are going to X's house to play. You may not hit. If you hit, we will leave." - keep it simple). And, then when he hit (or tried - I was still glued to him at that point), we left. He was sad and cried, and it took a few times. But, he stopped hitting. If the play group was at our house, we ended it at that point.

My experience is that parents are willing to be forgiving when their kids get hurt - as long as you, the offending child's parent, are on top of it.

In the OP's situation, I think both parents are at fault. It is unfortunate that it has escalated to this point. I would take note of what your role in all of this is, what you can do differently next time, and then just let it go.
I agree 100 percent! As long as you see the mom trying and watching their babe like a hawk during those tough phases you can't really hold it against them... or I can't anyways. Being a mom can be tough, and when I see a momma trying her best but still having a hard time she has my sympathy.
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Old 10-25-2009, 03:35 AM
 
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I've seen kisses (or hugs) being used as apologies, spontaneously, by at least half the toddlers I've had dealings with. People can handle it however they want, and I can see someone finding it inappropriate - but it's not ridiculous.
Yes to this. My nonverbal 19 month old can't say sorry, he can't sign it either. So if someone is hurt (weather he caused it or not) he tries to comfort them with a pat on the back, a hug, or a kiss. When he is sad/hurt we pick him up, hug him, rub his back and kiss him.
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Old 10-25-2009, 06:38 AM
 
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That's what I see too.

I really can not understand this thread. Clearly everyone is reading the OP and seeing a very different picture. This thread just seems to be bringing out the momma/poppa bear in everyone

I was reading the update and recent posts while nursing my 2 year old BABY. I kept looking at him and imagining him hitting another baby on the head and remembering all of the times his sister whacked him on the head (or whatever)when he was 1. Momma bear has been there to protect, but she never lashed out at another cub. Momma bear picked up the hurt baby and moved away! Maybe there was a snarl. Never a claw. KWIM?

I'm also thinking about all of the playgroups DD went to when she was 2 and under. It was a group of 4 kids. DD was the youngest, the oldest being 9 months older, the next was 7 months older and then 6 months older. This kind of stuff happened all the time, toddlers being toddlers. We moms helped each other out. We never expected there to never be a problem. We certainly never freaked out when it was our kid that was hurt. We did the best we could when our kid was the aggressor. Sometimes we were distracted and things happened that probably could have been avoided but were human and make mistakes. There was no blame. These kinds of situations are age appropriate.

What's not age appropriate is yelling and crying, pushing and shoving, the silent treatment and threatening someone's job.

OP, I'm sorry that the other family is over reacting and seems to be blaming you and your kid. Not that they are wrong for feeling protective and wronged. Just wrong for being so freaking over the top about it.

OP I think you did the best you could at the time. You may have been to lax with supervising your son while he is in this stage. You will learn from this and do better next time. Talk to your DH and settle him down. Nobody needs to have their job threatened because they had a really bad poppa bear moment.

Love this!

ETA:
My kiddlies have been to groups etc, they have been shoved, bitten (so incredibly hard the marks bruised and lasted for days), hit, had things taken off them, they rarely do the same back but on occasion it has been them who has been the aggressor. They do it to each other, but NEVER have I had to to shove someone elses child or push or even touch in most cases. I grab my child and remove them to safety. IF the other child has grabbed onto a part of my child then I GENTLY extricate my child but that is it.

There is no blame, there is no anger, yeah, I get unhappy that my child has been hurt but there is no anger towards the other child or the other parent (except for in two cases where the parent was actually watching and laughing as their child was hitting on mine).

When I am at a friends house and the friend is busy doing something FOR GUESTS in her house, the least I can do is keep an eye on her child/ren while she is busying herself for me.

Another thing, I have had VERY pro smacking friends who would push one of their own kids away if it were hitting another child, but they would never touch one of my children like that, they simply treat my child as I would treat my child and theirs because there is respect there.

As far as what has been said in the OP, its a shame that it went so over the top but parents have to realise that as much as they would like to protect their child from everything, its simply not going to happen. My cousin as a parent is very much like that, but as I keep saying, you learn to fall before you learn to walk and that is the way life is.
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Old 10-25-2009, 07:20 AM
 
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I have been the mom of the only boy in an all girl play group. And, I had "that" kid - the hitter. And, at 2.5 y.o., he did hit just to get a reaction - he would do it seemingly out of the blue, do it calmly and then just sort of watch what the other kid would do (usually cry). I feel really fortunate that I was surrounded by a group of moms that was really understanding and accepting of my son and never labeled him. However, I think they were willing to be accepting and tolerant of his "developmentally appropriate" stage because I basically was glued to him when we were at play groups. I sat right next to him, moved around with him, caught his arm mid-air when he was about to hit (and sometimes, I missed - he was really fast!). If I had to go to the bathroom or do something, I would ask a specific mom to sit with him while I was gone. She had to be glued to him!

I also completely agree that 2 year olds have poor, poor impulse control. But, I think they are also capable of learning that their behaviors have consequences. After a couple of months of this, and no change, I finally decided that we would leave play group if he hit. We talked about it before we would go in ("we are going to X's house to play. You may not hit. If you hit, we will leave." - keep it simple). And, then when he hit (or tried - I was still glued to him at that point), we left. He was sad and cried, and it took a few times. But, he stopped hitting. If the play group was at our house, we ended it at that point.

My experience is that parents are willing to be forgiving when their kids get hurt - as long as you, the offending child's parent, are on top of it.

In the OP's situation, I think both parents are at fault. It is unfortunate that it has escalated to this point. I would take note of what your role in all of this is, what you can do differently next time, and then just let it go.

I agree

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Old 10-25-2009, 08:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess what I don't understand from reading how you could have seen this all if you turned around is, if the dad really shouted at your son wouldn't you have heard it and come running? Also wouldn't you have heard this supposedly major pushing incident (i.e your son yelling as he fell or something). I guess I just am not so believing that your son was violently pushed as your are describing it.

Also it sounds like you asked "did he push my LO??" to which the guest reluctantly replied yes, is that right? I feel badly that your son fell but really I feel like you are trying to make it sound as though this dad literally shoved him away and it just doesn't add up from all that I've read.
like i say i was in the kitchen, about 3 metres away from the sofa.
my son hit, the dad shouted no or oi or something like that and virtually atthe same time the kids start crying and i turn round take a few steps and am there, the dad shouts at me. this all happened within like 3 seconds. there was no time for anyone else to react. i know my sons cry . he didnt "just" fall. i also know the mum who i asked about the pushing. i know her well enough to know that her reluctance is more likely to stem from not wanting to make things worse than what they wereand didnt want to quite admit that she saw my son being pushed iyswim.
if he woldnt have pushed him she would have had no problem saying "ih no, he put his hand out to pick the baby up/to take the brush/..." there is no reason why anyone would say yes when he didnt yk?


Originally Posted by Storm Bride
I've seen kisses (or hugs) being used as apologies, spontaneously, by at least half the toddlers I've had dealings with. People can handle it however they want, and I can see someone finding it inappropriate - but it's not ridiculous.

Yes to this. My nonverbal 19 month old can't say sorry, he can't sign it either. So if someone is hurt (weather he caused it or not) he tries to comfort them with a pat on the back, a hug, or a kiss. When he is sad/hurt we pick him up, hug him, rub his back and kiss him.this exactly. i *do* say sorry if ds wont but as he physically cannot utter the words and cannot sign (and this wouldnt even mean anything to the other person anyway as its so rare here) the only way he can apologize is by giving a kiss, usually on the place the other child got hurt. i have neverhad problems with this and the other parent usually finds it quite cute when he does it yk?
the baby was calm and quite happy by the time we came back down. i did say can you give the baby a kiss then to say sorry? i didnt get any acknowledgement from the whatsoever, he just stood there, silent.
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Old 10-25-2009, 08:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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anyway, im going to leave this now. its just depressing me more and more... just one more thing for those saying iam being unreasonable about wanting to report the dad. *I* dont. i said to dp that i didnt want to ruing my friendship with her. thats why i rang her... just to get shouted at...


dp is very emotional about things and says things in the heat of the moment which dont always happen. i can understand why he would say it (i felt like doing some unreasonable things to the dad too....)...but its not happened.
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Old 10-25-2009, 10:12 AM
 
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It's hard to say. He might have been simply trying to break them up, and over-did it a bit. He may not have much experience refereeing children that way, and to him your son is a bigger boy whacking his daughter on the head.

It wasn't the right thing to do, but I would find it hard to judge how bad it was without knowing more about how the dad usually copes.
I agree. When my DS was a newborn and I had him in a carseat at the ped's office, a little kid who was sick ran over and tried to stick his hands in the baby's face. My gut reaction was to block the little boy. True, I didn't push or hit, but it was very firm. Normally, I wouldn't do this to a child and I would be more gentle, but my protective instinct kicked in. If your son is going through this stage an you are aware of it, use your protective instinct and watch him closely. For example, my dog sometimes snaps at other dogs and tries to fight and sometimes not. He just runs around playing. I wouldn't in a million years just stick him inside a dog run and start reading a book because I can't count on him to not cause harm to other dogs there. It stinks, but it is what it is and it's my responsibility.

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Old 10-25-2009, 10:15 AM
 
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anyway, im going to leave this now. its just depressing me more and more...
In case you ever check back here, I just wanted to say please don't let all this get you down. It's so not worth it. The internet is a harsh and cold place sometimes. But in between the accusations and criticism, there was some great advice from some wise and understanding mothers that have been in your shoes. I hope that doesn't get lost, although I can see how it might. Anyway, take care.

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Old 10-25-2009, 11:17 AM
 
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That's what I see too.

I really can not understand this thread. Clearly everyone is reading the OP and seeing a very different picture. This thread just seems to be bringing out the momma/poppa bear in everyone

I was reading the update and recent posts while nursing my 2 year old BABY. I kept looking at him and imagining him hitting another baby on the head and remembering all of the times his sister whacked him on the head (or whatever)when he was 1. Momma bear has been there to protect, but she never lashed out at another cub. Momma bear picked up the hurt baby and moved away! Maybe there was a snarl. Never a claw. KWIM?

I'm also thinking about all of the playgroups DD went to when she was 2 and under. It was a group of 4 kids. DD was the youngest, the oldest being 9 months older, the next was 7 months older and then 6 months older. This kind of stuff happened all the time, toddlers being toddlers. We moms helped each other out. We never expected there to never be a problem. We certainly never freaked out when it was our kid that was hurt. We did the best we could when our kid was the aggressor. Sometimes we were distracted and things happened that probably could have been avoided but were human and make mistakes. There was no blame. These kinds of situations are age appropriate.

What's not age appropriate is yelling and crying, pushing and shoving, the silent treatment and threatening someone's job.

OP, I'm sorry that the other family is over reacting and seems to be blaming you and your kid. Not that they are wrong for feeling protective and wronged. Just wrong for being so freaking over the top about it.

OP I think you did the best you could at the time. You may have been to lax with supervising your son while he is in this stage. You will learn from this and do better next time. Talk to your DH and settle him down. Nobody needs to have their job threatened because they had a really bad poppa bear moment.
This is the best post in this thread.
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Old 10-25-2009, 12:09 PM
 
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anyway, im going to leave this now. its just depressing me more and more... just one more thing for those saying iam being unreasonable about wanting to report the dad. *I* dont. i said to dp that i didnt want to ruing my friendship with her. thats why i rang her... just to get shouted at...


.
I understand why the thread probably has you feeling down. It seems like you're going through a lot in your life right now. But as a PP said, there actually is a lot of good advice in some of the posts and I do hope that you can try to be objective enough to see it.

Your son needs you to be glued to him otherwise you may just have this scenario repeated again in the near future.
Best of luck.

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Old 10-25-2009, 12:27 PM
 
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Make ds your helper when you need him to be near you so he is safe. Most kids love this and will happily leave play to help Mom.

Just a way to think about ds being glued to you at all times. My dd is getting to this point, she is interested in whacking things- people, trees, toys, the dog etc. Is it age appropriate, yes. Is it appropriate to whack a friend's kid, the dog or a tree, Nope. So, while she gets soft things to throw or other distractions, to keep her out of trouble and everyone safe, I take her into the kitchen when I am preparing snacks. She likes to help me get the cups etc.

Just a thought

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Old 10-26-2009, 02:16 PM
 
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i feel bad enough about this situation as it is.
OP, you feel bad about the situation but have you *learned* anything from it?

You now have 12 pages and counting of views on this now. What do you take away from these exchanges?

What will you do next time your son hits a child with an object? Next time the child of the parent he hits gets really upset with you?

I understand you're having a lot going on in your life right now, I'm sorry to hear that. But none of your problems get solved if you can't or won't see your own part in the development of each situation.

Some situations are really totally out of our control, we didn't cause them or contribute to them.

But most situations we have some control in, and if we only see ourselves and our family members as victims... then know that even more rocky times are ahead because we're not taking the chances we have to at least fix OUR parts of what is not working.

Best of luck OP, I really hope maybe when time passes you'll be able to get some useful, positive lessons out of this situation.
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