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Old 11-06-2009, 11:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just have to get this off my chest!! My friend has a son a little older than my dd. We have made completely different parenting choices and that's fine.....

BUT ICE CREAM FOR LUNCH?! ..on a regular if not daily basis?? HE'S 2!

We went to a soup/salad buffet place w the kids and dd and I ate veggies of all sorts havin a great time. Her boy won't touch the mac n cheese or pizza bread she offered him and is being a handful. So she gives up quickly and gives him chocolate milk, chocolate muffin and chocolate ice cream WITH chocolate sauce AND candy sprinkles! My dd eats Super Mega Healthy and has no idea what ice cream or candy is. Later that night she sent me a pic of him licking the cookie batter from the spoon...cookies for dinner?

FF a few days later... We're talking about the 2 yr molers coming in and she says "ya, he's been saying 'mommy my mouth hurts' for months and he won't eat anything so I just give him ice cream cuz I figure its better than nothing."


WWYD? should i mmob?
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Old 11-06-2009, 11:13 PM
 
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You might want to call her back right now and tell her that if she ever enrolls her child in any public program like WIC, Head Start, or if god forbid no one else sees him until he starts kindergartena t age 5, if he has a mouthful of rotten teeth, CPS can be called and he can be removed from her home, or at the very least they closely monitor her for medical neglect.

It happened to a little girl in the special ed class where I worked a couple years ago. Thankfully she was not removed, but the mother was already overwhelmed and it added more stress to her life having these people call and harass her beyond what you'd think is reasonable. OTOH, it is absolutely horrible that her poor little boy has to live like that. I can't imagine my child complaining of pain for more than a few HOURS before I did somethign about it.

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Old 11-06-2009, 11:19 PM
 
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Just a reminder of the Parenting forum guidelines:
Quote:
Please avoid negative characterizations, insults, blanket statements, condemnations of others, etc. Members are welcome to post seeking advice, opinions or suggestions on how best to handle conflict, and we welcome posts about changing attitudes as a whole and how to deal with differing views. Venting is understandable, however, we will discourage bashing. Threads/posts that are inflammatory, hurtful or disrespectful will be removed. We are here to discuss our personal parenting paths, not to bash others who may chose differently. We advocate compassionate and respectful approaches to parenting challenges. We hope that a parent who posts looking for information and support will be empathetically received and helped so that the child behind the posts will benefit in a very real way.
Answering the OP's question about whether or not she should mind her own business is fine (I vote yes to MYOB, BTW), but we're not going to engage in wholesale condemnation of a stranger's parenting choices. If that's what the thread turns into, it will be removed.

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Old 11-06-2009, 11:22 PM
 
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I just want to remind everyone of the parenting guidelines:
Quote:
Please avoid negative characterizations, insults, blanket statements, condemnations of others, etc. Members are welcome to post seeking advice, opinions or suggestions on how best to handle conflict, and we welcome posts about changing attitudes as a whole and how to deal with differing views. Venting is understandable, however, we will discourage bashing. Threads/posts that are inflammatory, hurtful or disrespectful will be removed. We are here to discuss our personal parenting paths, not to bash others who may chose differently. We advocate compassionate and respectful approaches to parenting challenges. We hope that a parent who posts looking for information and support will be empathetically received and helped so that the child behind the posts will benefit in a very real way
Please keep responses to whether or how the OP can help in this situation, and not turn this into bashing someone elses parenting choices.

 
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Old 11-06-2009, 11:22 PM
 
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Yeah, what Annette said!

 
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Old 11-06-2009, 11:23 PM
 
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Erm... you have now been modpiled. Carry on.

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Old 11-06-2009, 11:26 PM
 
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of course you should myob!

The only time I would ever interfere is if there is a case where a Mom THINKS something is safe/legal and is not (for example... 2 year old in a booster and they say "that's what my pediatrician said")

It's her choice (not a good one in my book, but still...) it's not as if she doesn't know better! Maybe she's exhausted and overwrought? If this is the case, help her out an offer to watch her dc for a few hours. I KNow MY "bad" parenting choices are almost always made when I know better but am too tired to care

The MOST I would say is "hey, my DD loved cucumbers when she's teathing.. ever try it?"
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Old 11-06-2009, 11:26 PM
 
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If it isn't a tooth health issue and it is simply a matter of pain from his molars coming in then I'd be inclined to mmob, for sure.

If it has been going on for months and could be genuine tooth pain from cavities then I might say something. Maybe you could just suggest a good pediatric dentist to her casually? You could just say you remembered that she mentioned her DS's mouth hurt and you know this awesome dentist... blah, blah, blah. Maybe she doesn't realize that he should already be seeing a dentist regularly? It would be a gentle way to open the lines of communication. If it is a matter of money maybe she'll say so and you could look into some clinics or state health coverage that could help.

In that situation I just don't think I'd be comfortable saying NOTHING but I wouldn't want to alienate her, either. She might genuinely need some guidance.

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Old 11-06-2009, 11:33 PM
 
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As far as the food, I'd probably start with an indirect approach like offering options or ideas. Would he maybe be willing to try something at your place that he wouldn't for his own mom? I mean, if they're visiting and you have soft but healthy options like yogurt, or non-sweetened quickbreads (maybe made with tofu?) . . . or homemade "popsicles" made with carrot juice or something similar?

But if your friend says he's been complaining about pain "for months", I'd try my best to get her to take him to the dentist, or even start with her doc. Poor LO.

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Old 11-06-2009, 11:34 PM
 
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Since she talked to you about how her son's teeth hurt, you could recommend a dentist, and let the dentist do the dirty work. But I would also MYOB re the food choices.
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Old 11-06-2009, 11:39 PM
 
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I'd mostly mmob.
I *might* suggest alternatives (yogurt? apple slices? whole fruit popsicles? smoothies? ... etc.) if the subject arose again.
I might also wonder aloud if he might need to see a dentist for his sensitive teeth?
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Old 11-06-2009, 11:45 PM
 
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well.. he is 2 an and the original poster said that his mollars are cutting out
and that is possible that kiddo would find relief in cold things as icecream..
and amazingly enough many people do serve popsicles and or icecreams
when the kids do complain so much.

then again, you don't know what else he is eatting all day long,
maybe he has his serving of fruits and veggies and meat at home
at other times?

I would not jumping to juding her that quickly.

I have seen tons of kids that are very hard to manage in public situations
at this age and they won't eat much anyway as they are too excited
and so they are served junk food..

I had some episodes of this myself when my dd that is normally super
healthy eather organic stuff.. her favorites are green veggies, and all kinds of meat and you name it and it is healthy home cooked meals..

but when we used to take her to any restaurant she would not care aobut
their food.. everything just tasted wrong to her.. and frankly I don't think
it is that healthy or nutritious anyways considering all chemicals they spread on salads to make them look green, or meat tenderizers.. or swamping meat in fried oil htat is overheated and burned and just yacky..

we adult can go with it but the little ones are oftentimes used to home cooking and they just don't care for restaurant food..
sweets is different story.. they can settle for that.

so..in our house at certain age long ago when she was aobut that age when she was having terrible mollar issues and she was very picky eather.. we used to feed a little one good home meal food right before we went to the restaurant so we would not have to worry about her eating junk and something accidental and she would be set,
I would also take some healthy snack for her and give her some food from our plates if she was interested and usually she was not...
I let her have desert.. was I bed mother? I don't think so...
after restaurant visit we would go straight to feeding her with
healthy food at home again.
I dont think that any kid would expire during 2 hour restaurant visit
provided he or she is fed prior and subsequently and snacks on apples
or other fruits home brought inbetween. otherwise we would need
to live ina kitchen trailers even going to the park.

few years down the road.. she will eat happily any food from
any restaurant without any problem. yet she still preffers home food
at the same time she has no problem with pizzas, hamburgers
and other stuff out there.. so that is the case.

If one had not have a child with terrble mollar experience
then one can't realte to the acutal distress they cause
to a child and how it impacts everything, yet I am sure
that child is well cared for and what you saw can't be
a whole picture I am sure.

so.. no, I would not jump to conclusions or judgements..
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Old 11-07-2009, 12:02 AM
 
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I wouldn't want anyone telling me co-sleeping is dangerous and I should absolutely not do it because I might smother my kid.

That is why we have freedom of choice..As long as the kid isn't in danger she is the parent and has the right to feed her kid whatever she wants..Just like I do.My kid has never had a soda pop in her life but there are babies in her daycare that are getting it..As long as they don't judge me I won't judge them.

The way it is worded it sounds like she was saying his molars have been hurting him not that he has a mouth full of cavities.
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Old 11-07-2009, 12:14 AM
 
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At the age of two, my DS ate collard greens, Kales, spinach, green peas, anything green. Now at the age of two he prefers, broccoli, cheeseburgers and french fries. When we eat out, he might eat, he might not. DS eats well 90% of the time. Some days 80%. Sometimes 100%. Sometimes I am tired and not up for the fight. He might eat fruit and salad all day long then go out to dinner and only eat dessert.

I know this, random strangers and friends don't know this.

MYOB is a good plan.

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Old 11-07-2009, 12:15 AM
 
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Oh I probably would say 'wow, that's a lot of sugar for someone his age' and fully expect to be ignored. Most people are not terribly up to speed on nutrition issues. I would suggest that the pain should be checked by a dentist.

I do give DD popcicles (fruit, no sugar added) in hot weather and if she has teething pain or a sore throat. Eating out for us is a crap shoot. She might eat, she might throw it all on the floor and run screaming.

Sugar happens to everyone. No need to volunteer for it though.

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Old 11-07-2009, 12:18 AM
 
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If it was just at the restaurant, I wouldn't say anything. But if he really only, ever eats ice cream, then something needs to be said.

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Old 11-07-2009, 12:24 AM
 
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OP....I want to say just a couple of things as gently and genuinely as I can.

Sometimes it's really difficult to get a child to eat what they should. Somtimes we have great ideals that we want to impress upon our children (good diet, good hygiene, basic good behavior). These ideals may not take hold when our children are small. These are battles that as mothers we get to deal with.

I hate to think about the things I have let my children eat because the just wouldn't eat anything else. Out of 9 children I have had, there has been at least two that were difficult about what they wanted to eat. When I had my first two children there were things I swore I'd never let them have, or things they would never be allowed to eat. You'd b e surprised how much my opinions changed....of myself or other parents.

Please don't think that the mom you know is a bad mom. For her she is probably doing the best she can. Even if to us we raise or eyebrows at her....she knows what people think and I am quite sure she is ashamed...even if she doesn't act like it.

 

 

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Old 11-07-2009, 12:38 AM
 
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If licking the spoon while making cookies is wrong, I don't want to be right

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Old 11-07-2009, 12:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks guys. I'm just in shock, I think. I know his diet is atrocious. Like fast food based, its the massive amount of sugar that worries me tho. She is very defensive and hard to talk to about parenting issues, so I'm gonna mmob as suggested. I just wanted to make sure no one thought his health was in immediate danger. The massive amount (and I mean MASSIVE w/o getting into details..) of sugar has been daily since he was 6 months old. I guess I'm afraid she's created a situation she doesn't know how to get out of (not that I do) and she needs someone to tell her! It seems like he is manipulating her by not eating anything cuz he knows ice cream or something sweet is on it way.

The dentist recc is a great thought! I can just ask if he's seen one yet and go from there.

btw- I don't judge her, I know and love her. I just don't when to keep my mouth shut or muster up the courage to say something.
Thanks again.
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Old 11-07-2009, 12:44 AM
 
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Myob
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Old 11-07-2009, 12:51 AM
 
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I second the "myob" approach.

My not quite 4 year old is an extremely picky eater. His only protein intake are Aidell's chicken and apple sausages, breaded chicken, fruit flavored yogurts, and cheese. The only vegetables I can get into him on a regular basis are in the form of spaghetti sauce and pumpkin in quick breads.

He is not one of those kids who will just eat anything if he's hungry enough, and starving him until he'll eat what I want him to eat doesn't exactly improve his behavior. Not a hill I'm ready to die on.
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Old 11-07-2009, 01:05 AM
 
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Definitely MYOB.

FWIW, I'm awful danged crunchyfied and my 18month old LOVES everything from sushi to mujadarrah. At the same time, I'm certainly not above letting her have some ice cream or cookie dough. For that matter she's had ice cream AND cookie dough. And she still scarfs her veggies and prefers her salad 'nakee' (naked), loves whole grain 'noodies' and the whole nine yards.

Then again, this is the same kid who wolfed down a massive handful of deer turds when she was 9 months old...:



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Old 11-07-2009, 01:17 AM
 
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I think I'd mmob. Does he have any cavities that you can see or is it just pain from teething? I do agree that if he has cavities, you might want to mention seeing a dentist or something.

I've had issues with my kids before and refusing to eat healthy foods. My 4 year old ONLY wants chicken nuggets lately. But the real difficult one is my eldest.

As a toddler, he would only eat mac and cheese. Plain. No veggies or anything else in it because he'd refuse. Period. When he got older, it was chicken nuggets (lol). Now its breakfast food-cereal, toast, and poptarts are all he wants. And the thing is, even if I refuse him those foods, he will NOT eat. Even as a toddler. It got to a point when he was 7 or so where he had lost 10 pounds over the course of a year or so (and he's skinny to begin with), so his doctors decided him eating anything, junk food included, was better than what he was doing. They were close to putting him on IV nutrition over it. So, he was eating McDonalds cheeseburgers twice a day and candy as a snack. Realllll healthy.

Anyway, I'm just trying to say that in some cases, mama really has exhausted other options. I'm not saying this is the case, but she is right in that he does need some form of food. I don't know if her ds is as stubborn as my kids but if they are, I can see why she'd give in.

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Old 11-07-2009, 01:22 AM
 
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And the thing is, even if I refuse him those foods, he will NOT eat. Even as a toddler. It got to a point when he was 7 or so where he had lost 10 pounds over the course of a year or so (and he's skinny to begin with), so his doctors decided him eating anything, junk food included, was better than what he was doing.
That sounds like my ds3... sometimes it gets to the point where ANY nutrition is better than nothing. I try to get the healthiest junk food I can into him (ie: real cheese as opposed to Kraft singles, spaghetti sauce and noodles spiked with parm rather than Spaghetti-O's, a bowl of Pho rather than Cup O Noodles, my homemade pumpkin muffins rather than a twinkie, 100% fruit freezie pops rather than a crappy popscicle), but I can't always win.
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Old 11-07-2009, 01:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you Docsnemesis. I needed to know it happens and he'll survive.
and that chocolate ice cream is better than nothin.

I guess I DO know that..my sister lived on Wonder bread and miracle whip.
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Old 11-07-2009, 01:38 AM
 
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As much as reading what he ate made my tummy ache, I still say MYOB.

Unless, you think she'd really be receptive of your suggestions. I guess it would depend on my relationship wth said friend. I would totally hope to avoid sounding judgemental about her ds's diet - but with food, it's touchy depending on how you approach it, kwim? No one wants to feel like someone thinks they are a bad parent - I think we beat ourselves up enough.

If it was a close friend, she would know that nutrition is important to me... I might mention stuff like what I recently learned to cook from scratch or how many different vegetables I got his week. I guess that if she herself was concerned about her child's food intake or wanted ideas for new things to try - she would know I was there to offer advice and to share things I read.

Basically, I don't think I would come out and say, hey, I'm worried about your kid's health and teeth b/c he eats junk all the time! Even though you mean well, it could come across as mean/hurtful/judgemental and risk ruining your relationship.

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Old 11-07-2009, 01:48 AM
 
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The only thing I'd think about saying is that "months" is a long time for his teeth to be hurting every day and it might be good to have a dentist doublecheck that everything's okay.

Yeah, it's the sugar, but she's defensive about that, so instead maybe mention what if a tooth is coming in sideways or something.
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Old 11-07-2009, 01:52 AM
 
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I know his diet is atrocious. Like fast food based, its the massive amount of sugar that worries me tho.
Honestly, unless you're by his side all day every day, you really don't know this. You know what you've seen during select snapshots in his life, and what she has said. If you and I were talking about our kids eating habits for the past couple of weeks, you'd be equally horrified. I'd be saying things like "they've lived on candy for the past couple weeks, then you have the sugar cookies with frosting and candy decorations we made a couple weeks ago. Oh and don't forget the extra ones I made for the party the Sunday before Halloween where they loaded up on crap and the parent teacher meetings where I gave them $5 for snacks and they were scarfing on cookies and cupcakes!" If you asked "what about meals though?" I'd laugh and say with being so busy they've had a lot of chicken nuggets, fries and fish sticks! Sounds pretty darn atrocious, doesn't it? But what I don't mention (and most probably wouldn't) is that every morning there have been very nutritious meals, their lunches and snacks have been overall very wholesome on a daily basis and the chicken nuggets, fish sticks and fries have been 3 nights out of 2 weeks. All that candy? 2-3 little pieces a day (which honestly is more than usual, but it's from halloween). The cookies at the p/t conferences were the size of half dollars, etc.

I definitely think it's a case of myob.
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Old 11-07-2009, 04:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Dummerswife. This is all true. I know she thinks about it when she sees our healthy choices. She does seem interested and asks me questions sometimes, so that's good. I think she seems concerned, but doesn't want to deal w it. I'll tread lightly and try to share ideas.
Unfortunately she has said his diet is "horrible all around' but I don't really know to what extent she means. My concern is really just the too much sugar thing.

Good call on the side ways tooth suggestion too, sapphire chan. Def a good way to to get her in there!
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Old 11-07-2009, 04:16 AM
 
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Thanks Dummerswife. This is all true. I know she thinks about it when she sees our healthy choices. She does seem interested and asks me questions sometimes, so that's good. I think she seems concerned, but doesn't want to deal w it. I'll tread lightly and try to share ideas.
Unfortunately she has said his diet is "horrible all around' but I don't really know to what extent she means. My concern is really just the too much sugar thing.

Good call on the side ways tooth suggestion too, sapphire chan. Def a good way to to get her in there!
you know, I think on the sugar issue... I might mention to her how awfully taxing sugar is to the body, especially the immune system and relate it in a way to H1N1. So many people are worried about their kids getting sick, if she's one - it could be something she's simply not aware of. It won't change the fact that the kid might be a bit addicted to it, since it sounds like he has so much of it a day. I don't know, though, 'cause again it really depends on the friend and the relationship you have. I can think of a few friends I'm not super close to that no way would would I even open my mouth about the majority of things I would say to family or close friends, yk? Mostly to let on how odd I really am But then there are people whom I would feel comfortable enough --like my own mom, when I told her I believe whole milk is healthier for everyone, not just toddlers - as she was looking at 1% milk in the grocery store.

You could invite her to the farmer's market sometime, or to a cooking class? I don't know, that may seem weird. I am betting she just really doesn't know the full impact of nutrition with regards to lifelong health. When I think of what I have learned in the past few years, it's a ton of information. Maybe she's just not at a place, for whatever reason, where she wants to sorta grasp it all and make huge dietary habit changes.

ribboncesarean.gif cesareans happen.
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