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Your child's 'shadow side'?

641 views 2 replies 2 participants last post by  mama-t 
#1 ·
I recently had an epiphany about my ds.

For awhile I have been feeling like I didn't *like* my little boy.
So sad to even think it, I adore him so much!
He is just like every other brillant, beautiful, curious, energetic little one
at 4 1/2.
Also loud, under my feet, stubborn, angry...oh so human, full of beauty and flaws; can go to the heights of joy and then down to the depths of fear.

And I would constantly, and I mean *constantly*, go over me and dh's parenting choices, to see if we were to 'blame' for these attitudes. We are naturally drawn to AP, yet I found myself questioning our co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, whole child approach to raising him.

Then the other day, I may have been pre-menstral, and we may have had an off goodbye at pre-school, but when I got home I just started crying about how wrong I'm doing things, and as I'm bemoaning all the possible ways I need to change, I had this flash of 'It is *his* shadow side. Let him be who is (as we do) and let yourself experience him here too'.
Oh my, what a different stance for me to take. Dh has not nearly the anxiety I do, so it is clearly my own issue. And I'm not ready to call in the doc for meds or anything. I deeply believe that it is human nature to have several sides of the self. And to add a bit of humor, a friend who teaches Waldorf says that all kids from 3 1/2 -5 y/o exhibit bi-polar behaviors. Up and down, back and forth, push and pull....so we're right in the thick of it.

Today I'm in a much more gentle place with him. He is running the range of emotions, and I'm focusing on being present and available, not judgemental and nervous.

I'm wondering if others had found this potentially scary side and let it wash over them as well?
 
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#2 ·
Mama-t-What a nice epiphany to come to! Your words about going over your parenting choices all the time really struck a chord with me. I am the same way and DH is not. Yes, he wonders during the "bad" days if we could do something differently, but he doesn't obsess or beat himself up about things like I do.

My DS is only 2yo, so you are way ahead of me on the experience track. But DS has been spirited and challenging and very sensitive since birth. We've already had a bad morning where I'm already questioning myself.

I've come to a lot of realizations about my DS and one of them is what you're saying:it's about acceptance. And it's so HARD to stay in that moment. I may think this while laying in bed at night, but when DS makes me nuts in the morning, it's a harder thing to put into practice.

So, YES, I am trying very hard to just accept ALL aspects of my DS. It is my job as a parent, I think. And one that could affect him for the rest of his life. And on the bad days I have to remind myself of my many bad days and remember that DS is a little human, nothing different. He has as many aspects to his personality as I do.

Thanks for this thread. Sorry if I went OT a bit...
 
#3 ·
Thanks, Bearsmama.

I completely agree that it is our job as parents, even as simply being humans, to accept our children as they are; wild child and all.

I know there have been many a thread about the Spirited Child and there are books to address such behaviours. Haven't read any of them yet, maybe the time has come?

I often look to my own childhood and wonder about choices I made, feelings I had, and wonder how much was my parenting environment and how much was 'me' just being in the world. And are the two connected all the time?

Anyway, glad to have someone on the same wave legnth...

I remember 2 y/o. Precious and many new stages. My mantra is to be gentle with myself and my child. Have fun.
 
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