Mamas of a *lonely only* not by choice - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 11-15-2009, 11:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I browsed a bit here, but didn't see a group like this. So, anyone else out there a mama to a lonely only (only child), wanting more kiddos, but unable to have more? After 2 early losses, and a losing my son shortly after birth, I was blessed with my amazing DD who is turning 3 this week. I just turned 40, and due to my age, a guarantee of high-risk in any future pregnancy, and a DH who doesn't want more children (including via adoption) it looks like she will be my only living child. I am heartbroken, and hoping to connect w/ other mamas in similar situation.

Namaste,

Lynn

: Wife, and grateful mama to DD : (b. 11/17/2006), DS (b/d 8/3/2004) and 2 sweet s
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#2 of 21 Old 11-16-2009, 04:25 AM
 
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Hi, I'm in this sitch too. My pregnancy with DS tore a hole in my heart and I will die if I get pregnant again, so we're done. I was sterilized earlier this year.

It's so not fun, especially when it seems like everyone around is pregnant or just barely had a baby.

Kris - married to Nate since 12/06, mom to Toby since 1/08. Also servant to two felines. Done having babies for medical reasons.

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#3 of 21 Old 11-16-2009, 04:32 AM
 
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I'm here but not heartbroken. I had DD while I was married and healthy. Then XH left me right after I was diagnosed with type I diabetes. I am not supposed to have more children until it is under tight tight control, which it is nowhere near.

I wanted more kids but I am super happy with just DD and me. I may have 1 more child in 10 years or something if I meet the right person. Right now I am not even dating so I highly doubt that will happen anyway. I am going to be more picky next time and will look for a partner (never had one even though I've been married).

I'm also on cholesterol meds that cause birth defects so I have to be really careful.

I have always wanted to be a foster parent but I don't think that is going to happen either. I have to work to get health insurance and I would prefer to be a SAHM to foster. Also, I am just so tired I cannot imagine taking care of another person. Really, I am barely making it now, I'm just exhausted.

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#4 of 21 Old 11-16-2009, 05:14 AM
 
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I had preeclampsia with my first and my DH doesn't want to risk my health. We also experienced infertility and a miscarriage and to my DH, pregnancy is nothing but trouble...(Except of course for the baby - He LOVES being a father and adores his daughter.)

We're going to do foster care instead of having another baby. I can't say I'm terribly thrilled. So I suppose I'm part of this tribe. I would give anything to be able to experience a healthy full term pregnancy.

~ Erinn ~ I believe in the power of a good conversation, a good book, a good cup of coffee, a good glass of wine, and a good nap.  Not necessarily in that order. 
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#5 of 21 Old 11-16-2009, 08:42 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Momma2Gianna View Post
I had preeclampsia with my first and my DH doesn't want to risk my health. We also experienced infertility and a miscarriage and to my DH, pregnancy is nothing but trouble...(Except of course for the baby - He LOVES being a father and adores his daughter.)
Preeclampsia is what caused most of our problems too; my DS was also born at 33 weeks. (I was also born 6 weeks early and was very very sick as an infant, luckily my DS is much stronger than I was.) I think DH feels the same as yours, even though we did not struggle with the same things. I was extremely sick, think one step below hyperemesis gravardium the whole time I was pregnant, and had my ear drum rupture and infections and was in the hospital and super sobbing-hysterically emotional a lot. Poor DH.

I feel like I could tough out another pregnancy, but doctors said 70% chance of death and a higher chance of preeclampsia, so we just don't want to do that. MAYBE if I get super healthy in the next five years we will do a tubal reversal, but most likely Toby is it.

Most of the time I am okay with it, time heals all wounds and all that crap, but it's still hard a lot. I think it helps that I don't like the infant stage much, and am just now starting to actually have fun and enjoy most parenting moments instead of just a few. I realize that if I had another child I'd have to start all over, and that would be hard.

But I too would give anything to experience a full term pregnancy, and a normal vaginal birth. And breastfeeding. There are many, many things I missed out on that I very much regret.

Kris - married to Nate since 12/06, mom to Toby since 1/08. Also servant to two felines. Done having babies for medical reasons.

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#6 of 21 Old 11-16-2009, 04:35 PM
 
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I'm here! There's nothing quite so heartbreaking as listening to your dc begging for a sibling when there's nothing that you can do. My ds is 7, and he knows far more about his parent's heartbreak than a little boy should.

We are trying to resume fertility treatments (at dh's insistence), but I'm all but resigned to being the mom of an only. So many challenges about parenting an only that I didn't know we would face, so many pleasant surprises as well.
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#7 of 21 Old 11-17-2009, 01:08 PM
 
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Hello mamas. This is being moved to parenting.

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#8 of 21 Old 11-17-2009, 04:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by milliegirl View Post
I browsed a bit here, but didn't see a group like this. So, anyone else out there a mama to a lonely only (only child), wanting more kiddos, but unable to have more? After 2 early losses, and a losing my son shortly after birth, I was blessed with my amazing DD who is turning 3 this week. I just turned 40, and due to my age, a guarantee of high-risk in any future pregnancy, and a DH who doesn't want more children (including via adoption) it looks like she will be my only living child. I am heartbroken, and hoping to connect w/ other mamas in similar situation.

Namaste,

Lynn
I am so sorry for your losses Lynn

I have a similar story. I lost my first born, my daughter Sonja, shortly after birth and then I had an early loss later that year. I then Had my beautiful healthy boy after that. I am overweight now, DH dosn't want more children (inc. adoption) as well, My first I had to have a c-section for many reasons, then my son I was trying so hard for a VBAC and well not only did I end up having another c-section but I also hard to be put under general I doubt that if I did get pregnant again I would be able to have a normal, natural vaginal delivery (something I have wanted my whole life )

I am mostly at peace with the decision because I really don't think I would be able to emotionally cope with more loss but I am heartbroken as well.

I love my son so much and feel really blessed but I am also really sad that I don't get to raise a daughter.

Scarlett bfinfant.gif , DH Boris geek.gif , DS 1/29/08 Julian kid.gif DD2 6/7/12 babygirl.gif missing our DD 1/06/06 Sonja angel3.gif and MC @ 9 wks 11/18/06 Satchel  angel.gif

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#9 of 21 Old 11-17-2009, 04:50 PM
 
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I don't belong here, and won't stick around, but I wanted to offer my sympathy. I was in your position for years (secondary infertility, never explained, after ds1, and 3 m/c), and believed he would be an only. As it is, his next closest sibling is 10 years younger, and in many ways, he's more like a young uncle than a brother. It was heartbreaking, and I'll never forget how it felt, even now that I've been blessed with my other children. I found it even harder, because so many people took a "you have one wonderful son - be grateful" attitude that completely minimized my feelings of loss.

to everyone living with this.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
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#10 of 21 Old 11-17-2009, 04:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by butterfly_mommy View Post
I doubt that if I did get pregnant again I would be able to have a normal, natural vaginal delivery (something I have wanted my whole life )
Oh...this rings so many bells. I've had five children now, and they've all been c-sections. It's a loss that most people, ime, don't even understand is a loss, let alone understand how big a loss.

again...

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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#11 of 21 Old 11-17-2009, 06:18 PM
 
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We have an only and not fully by choice.

Repeated mcs and age just sort of wore us down. I am close to 39 years old, DH is 44.

After the last mc, the Drs basically said IVF was only decent shot at another one but our heart wasn't in it at the time. Now we just feel our time has past and we should be thankful for the great little kid we have. We had 4 mcs in all, one was a set of twins, one was after DS was born.

We are thankful for what we have but we are both definately carrying a sadness around in the backs of our minds and hearts. It is a strange feeling to morn the loss of something, a larger family, that we have never known.

Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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#12 of 21 Old 11-17-2009, 06:58 PM
 
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let me and my dd join your list too.

my dd is now 7. we separated when she was 18 months. i never met anyone else.

i am in premenopause. i had a csection and so wanted a VBAC.

my heart still quivers everytime i see babies. i love, love, love babies. babies. i am willing to go thru all those sleepless nights just to watch another child grow up and watch my dd help raise her.

my dd wants a sibling so bad. has since she was 2.

so yes a part of me will always mourn the child i did not have.

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#13 of 21 Old 11-17-2009, 07:02 PM
 
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Hi, mama. First, I wanted to express my sympathy for your feelings of sadness and loss. I have seen good friends go through infertility, and I know it can be devastating not to have a child (or another child) when you desperately want one.

I did want to say, though, that you needn't think of your child as a "lonely only." I have an only child by choice and she has a full, rich life, wonderful friends and cousins, and two parents who have all their time and energy to give to her. When we were making decisions about having more children, I spoke with my three adult friends who were only children, and they all spoke very positively about the experience--about their closeness with their parents, the opportunities they had, etc. I would just hate for you to feel that your child is destined for a life of loneliness because she doesn't have siblings.
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#14 of 21 Old 11-17-2009, 07:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just found my thread I had subscribed, but never received any emails, so I figured no one had replied. I have a munchkin hanging on my arm just now, but wanted to say how happy I am to find some kindred spirits (although I'm sad that you are in the same boat). Will post again when I get a small someone to bed.

Lynn

: Wife, and grateful mama to DD : (b. 11/17/2006), DS (b/d 8/3/2004) and 2 sweet s
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#15 of 21 Old 11-18-2009, 06:50 PM
 
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The odds for DS having a younger sibling are slim, and DS is a child who was really cut out to be part of a bigger family .

I had 3 MCs before DS, and DS was really lucky to make it through a very difficult pregnancy. I started preterm labor at 22 weeks when the chance of the baby surviving is only 10%. Then I was on bedrest, and special diets and stuff for months. I was in and out of the hospital. It was all around difficult.

We have been waiting to start TTC till DS is old enough to be OK with mommy not chasing him around all the time. While we've been waiting I've had new medical issue pop up that have made DH even more worried about having TTC again. Of course with each passing year we put it off DH and I get older, I'm already 38 yo and DH is 39 yo.

Timmy's Mommy WARNINGyslexic typing with help of preschooler, beware of typos
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#16 of 21 Old 12-05-2009, 07:40 AM
 
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Hello fellow mamas.

I dont refer to my DD as a lonely only, but more of a beautiful blessing.

I had my DD when i was 21.

I had a normal pregnancy with no problems. Had to see a specialist because of a minor blood condition, which lead to an early induction (two weeks early).

13 days after birth i severly hemmoridged. When i got to the emergency, apparently the bleeding was under control. i waited in emerg for over 8 hours for a specialist.

Specialist recommended a DNC to remove part of the placenta that was still inside. (oh joy)

After my DNC i severely hemmoridged again. Was rushed into surgery for another DNC which didnt work.

After 8 blood trasfusions and no luck i was the unlucky recipient of a hysterectomy at 21.

OUCH.

But alas, being almost two years after the fact, i still find my DD to be a wonderful miracle, and would go through it all over again. I feel for other moms who have gone through loss, fertility issues (as my SIL is going through) or anything else. Just say a prayer every day and be thankful for what you have and the life you were given <3

Michelle - Mommy to DD (February 19th 2008)and loving wife to DH (January 3rd, 2009) <3....Life isn't about how many breaths you take, it's about the moments that take your breath away....<3
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#17 of 21 Old 12-05-2009, 08:43 PM
 
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In "real" life it's easy to be told to count blessings, it's normal to remind yourself that your kidlet is wonderful and terrific and if that's all I'm destined to have, he is 100% fabulous. In real life it's easy to find people who are happy to be "onlies" and so on.

But for those most part, this thread is how I feel.

I don't know if our story is over yet...I'm 40 but everything still seems to be functioning fine...but hubby has a prolactioma that went undiagnosed by doctors who blatantly ignored and poopood his symptoms for 3+ years. Through another way, we got him to an endo, who still didn't want to check him out, wanted to blame the symptoms on weight...but caved in to our wishes. And found the pituitary tumor. At last check, after he started treatment for the prolactinoma, his testosterone was at 25.

We, and I'm counting the reluctant endo, fought the insurance company for months, and they are finally providing him with HCG. Plain testosterone would have raised his levels, but the endo said it would *cause* infertility entirely. We got the insurance company to see that it isn't right to cause a second medical problem, just to get numbers up, just so a certain body part could work a bit more normally (endo was shocked that the "deed" could be done at all with such low testosterone, actually). So they are providing that to DH, and things are going very well for him.

So anyway, I don't know if we're actually done. But trying to raise those levels before I "age out" is a bit stressful!

In retrospect, if I'd gotten my wish of "irish twins", I would have been haggard and miserable. I didn't really get my fertility back for a few years, b/c DS nursed like a normal newborn for probably 2.5 years. I am very sensitive to that, so to have a second baby fast, before the prolactinoma started, would have meant a fast end to nursing. DS was also quite a handful until he was around 4. So in retrospect it's been good, but we started "trying" when DS was 9 months old...there's a lot of months between 9 months and now...that's a LOT of sadness.

I think that...people who make the choice, even if it took them a long time, to be happy with one kid...can't really understand those who haven't yet chsen that, or who might never choose it.

DS was meant to be part of a big family...he's social, he wants brothers and sisters...we're not in the financial place to adopt, and of course with DH's diagnosis (actually has a dx of diabetes too, but even his endo isn't concerned aobut that anymore b/c of how controlled it is with NO medcines...seems more of the way to get us to him than anything true and real) and my age...probably won't happen.

Sounds like some of you have been through worse than I have...major hugs to you...but it's also "nice" to find a small group of people who seem to feel the same way as I do.


stormbride, thanks for sharing your story of the years after your first child. Having started at 33, it seems less and less likely of me having a baby at 43 (or 44 which would be 10 years after DS arrived), but who knows? After all, things are still functioning like clockwork for me...she says through cramps, LOL.
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#18 of 21 Old 12-06-2009, 05:27 AM
 
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I know what you mean, milkybean, about the "Irish twins" thing. I really wanted to do that, but honestly? If I hadn't literally died, then I would be one, angry, depressed, probably suicidal mama. I hated the baby stage and the toddler stage is fun, but Toby is pretty much all I can handle. I can't imagine adding more stress in my life in the form of another small human to take care of. I can barely take care of myself, let alone Toby. Yikes.

Have to admit, I am becoming more at peace about this whole thing, even if it is taking a while. I guess it's only been a year since we found out that we couldn't have any more kids, but it seems like forever. And now that Toby is starting to get FUN, I am really enjoying the freedom of being able to go places without lugging around 1000 baby things, formula, bottles, extra outfits, etc etc. I mean, the other day I went almost 3 hours without using the diaper bag once. Wow! I took Toby to a movie the other night and it was so much fun just the two of us, even though we only stayed for about a half hour (we saw A Christmas Carol, it was too loud and scary for an almost 2 year old). It's neat to be able to dote on my little boy. A part of me will always wish for another child, especially the chance to raise a girl, but I think that part is getting smaller and smaller as Toby becomes more able to do things and just "hang out."

I hope that made sense.

Kris - married to Nate since 12/06, mom to Toby since 1/08. Also servant to two felines. Done having babies for medical reasons.

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#19 of 21 Old 12-06-2009, 06:09 PM
 
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DS will quite possibly be an only, though as an only child myself, I can't say that would be the worst thing ever. I would morn his chance to have that sibling relationship that a part of me always wanted and I would morn never being pregnant again. I loved it.

However, even IF I can get pregnant again (naturally or with acupuncture again, I won't do fertility drugs ever again) I am TERRIFIED to do so: DS was born at 38 weeks only weighing 4 lbs 8 oz. Something was obviously not right. The weekend I went into labor I was in the process of being diagnosed with preeclampsia (though I probably should have been earlier as looking back I had all the signs a week or two before that) by doing a 24 hr urine and them checking my blood after I had high BP and tons of headaches and eye problems that week. However, I measured, TO THE DAY, every time I was measured and for ultrasounds up until I stopped getting those at 18 weeks. So my belly was growing normal, but we had no idea he was so small or that there was somesort of uterine growth restriction.

I feel so lucky that the only issue was he was super tiny, but I'm not sure I will chance that again. I've lost faith in my body.

Success after Infertility (PCOS) with Traditional Chinese Medicine. Mom to Lucas (8/17/09) our intact, non vaccinated , cloth diapered, natural birth, attachment parented son.
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#20 of 21 Old 12-07-2009, 01:26 AM
 
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#21 of 21 Old 12-07-2009, 05:09 AM
 
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DS is an only child and it looks like it's going to stay that way for awhile, if not forever. I developed pre-e and he was born at 33 weeks. He's now 2.5 yo. He loves other kids and has recently been asking if he could have a little sister. He has four cousins, three of which are near his age, so I am very grateful for that, but we sure do get lonely. My youngest niece is just 2 months old and DS is doing so well with her. He would be a wonderful big brother. I really hope to eventually have another, maybe even within a year, but the odds are so remote, it's heartbreaking.

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer"
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