My mom is the exact opposite. She was there at my birth and seemed really excited about the baby before he was born, but now that he is here she just doesn't seem all that interested in him. Ds is 10 monthes now. I used to go to her house every week but i haven't so much now because I feel kinda hurt by how distant she is from Ds. When I'm there she almost never asks to pick him, she typically only holds him for a couple minutes if i ask her to while I'm in the bathroom or something. She doesn't ask what he's been doing, doesn't get happy or excited over any of his milestones. She bought him one toy when he was about three monthes old and thats it. Not that I care for material things but it seems odd to me. Sometimes she'll come by to pick up or drop something and the baby will be sitting on the floor and she doesn't even knowledge him.
Her brother was staying at their home a few monthes ago with his 11 month old and she was constantly holding his baby, bathing, feeding him. My other uncle has a 7 month old girl and she always talks about how cute she is, and when we're at family gatherings she holds his baby all the time.
When I was pregnant we all thought he was going to be a girl and she seemd so excited. Went to appointments with me, bought clothes, blankets, etc. But after he was born she's been so distant from him. I feel really hurt and confused about it. Even my inlaws whom I'm not big fans, and were not happy about me being pregnant, seem to love him more.
Btw, my realtionship with my mom has always been pretty good. She has always been my best friend, but we've been not quite so close since I got married.
Should I say something to her about it? If yes, what? Any one else deal with this?
I have such a long story, but to make it short my mother and my family aren't interested in my DD. It's hurtful and makes me so incredibly angry. With the holidays coming, I've made a decision not to visit with them this year. I have to, for my own emotional and mental health, as well as for DD.
My own feelings are this - true family calls you and asks how you are and if you need help. Family offers help without you having to ask for it. Family is interested, wants to hear what is going on, and wants to be part of the day to day. Family wants to hold babies, play w/babies, ask about milestones and laugh about things with you. They make you feel special and important. They offer advice, stories, and keep you up to date in their own life, too.
Since you and your mother used to be close, maybe you should bring up your feelings with her. Maybe just ask her if there's anything going on that you should know b/c you sense some distance b/w you since XYZ. Maybe it would help.
Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn ('08) and Finnley Dax ('11) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!
Yeah..I see the threads where parents complain about too much grandparent involvement and giftgiving and just shake my head...I would have loved for my son to recieve that kind of love and devotion..Espesially since my sisters kids did recieve tons of gifts all the time and they never included my son and thought he just wouldn't notice..Whatever..:irke
Oh well each to their own.
I don't know your mom so I can't say what to do but I tried talking to my parents about it years ago ...How hurtful and not nice it was..But they were in denial and made tons of excuses and nothing ever changed..You could try talking to your mom about it but you never know how they will react..Could be something wonderful will happen..But talk to her if you are comfortable doing that..
It still hurts though doesn't it?
Hugs to you...I know how you feel..
I have since given up on them and plan on not even telling them when this next little one is born. It's their choice not to be involved.
DS (03/10) & DD (06/07) both were/are :
My inlaws acted all excited when I was pregnant and have visited a couple of times and been all excited-but then they never call, do webcam, or even look at the blog I set up for the grandparents!
Typos+weird words=typing on my iPhone
I felt a strong need to distance our family and establish boundaries with her. Perhaps that backfired a bit. DS turned out to have special needs and although she always offered to help, the couple of times I took her up on it she basically told me how much of a hassle it was. Like, she invited us over "to rest" - so I drove three hours to her house (when I was really ill) so she could help out with DS, who was like maybe 4 months at the time. He cried too much (colicky) so she basically sent us home. Or she offered to take him for a few days so DH and I could go on a short vacation (we took DD with us as she was still nursing). She was SO looking forward to their time together but once it happened, she totally just complained about how difficult it was and how she's tired now and etc. Like, yeah, I know, try two of them on a permanent basis, never mind one for a couple of days. She hasn't really shown too much interest since then.
What hurt more was that she totally disregards DD. She will always send both of them something (like two of the same present usually) but other than that she is just not at all interested in her. DD is a bit of a mama's girl and she gets scared of strangers easily. One morning my mother surprised her and she started crying because it was the first thing in the morning and she wasn't expecting to see anyone but me. (Plus she'd seen my mom like three times total in her life, so she was practically brand new.) My mom actually got an attitude and said something like, "Fine, I don't want to see your face either." And then proceeded to ignore her for the rest of the visit. Like, huh? It's a one year old, and you're holding a grudge with her?!
My ILs only know one of their 5 grandchildren. My MIL didn't come to any baby showers for me or my SILs. When she was healthier, she'd watch my nephew, or take him places with my FIL -- for like the day. Other than a couple hours the last 2 Christmases, they've only seen her for a few minutes at a time every few months. They also didn't come to her baptism or birthday parties (mostly b/c other relatives they don't like were invited. )
My parents don't ever call or come over either, and my mom used to watch my niece and nephew a few times a week, for the whole day! She's always "working" -- she runs my sister's old HS's kitchen for bingo on weekends. My sis graduated in 2000....there's really no reason that she still needs to be doing it. Except they tell her how much they need her. She skipped out on DD's baptism as well.
It really sucks, and although both grandmas are a bit crazy, you think they'd want to know their beautiful and fun and sweet granddaughter.
2.06 11 weeks, 3.10 6 weeks, 11.10 8 weeks, 7.11 5 weeks
TWINS due 4.03.13
They were here for my oldest son's birth but it was old hat when my second came. They DONT want sleepovers or grandpa/grandma time alone with them.
My older child will soon start noticing this and I haven't figured out how to explain it to her. As a child I was devastated by my mother's lack of involvement and interest in my life (despite living in the same house) and I worry about my children going through this too.
No words of wisdom here, just know you're not alone.
Mom to DD 8 and DS 6.
BUT then my dad gets upset when Eric is shy around him but absolutely adores my mom (who lives 45 minutes away but makes an effort to see him at least once a week). What d'you expect??
Particularly after other posts on here I've decided to be grateful they're pretty balanced grandparents. I also thought about it a bit and realized that they don't really babysit for my SM's kids much either, so at least it's not lopsided.
We still see them, but not as much as they'd like and I'm so past the guilt and disapointment. If they want a closer relationship, they know where to find us!
- C + T = DS 08/08 DD 02/12 and D? sometime around March 16/2014
I really can't come up with any reason WHY they wish I only had one. 8 years after he was born the only other grandchild was born to SIL and they now devote everything to mainly her....fine with me because now I don't have to constantly explain to the other kids why they only want DS1.
Oh and it's not a boy thing because I have 3 boys and they don't pay any more attention to the younger 2 than they do DD.
In the few times I've needed a sitter they've said "we will take DS1 if it helps" but that would leave me finding someone else for the other kids. I don't really have a back up because we've used sitters maybe 3 or 4 times in 9 years, when they won't do it I am usually stuck in a real bind :-(
My nieces and my DD get ignored and pushed aside when we're all together. When we were at her house for a b-day party when DD was a baby (maybe 8 months old?) she insisted she take her from me while she was playing with my nephew. What did she do with her? Put her in an exersaucer and ignored her. I heard her crying and had to rescue her.
2.06 11 weeks, 3.10 6 weeks, 11.10 8 weeks, 7.11 5 weeks
TWINS due 4.03.13
Barbara: an always learning SAHM of Ilana (11) and Aiden (8) living in Belgium with my amazing husband.
I guess my parents aren't that bad but I do get sad that they were all (both my parents have repartnered so my kids have 4 grandparents on my side) so excited when I was pregnant with DD and fawned over her from a distance (we live in a different state) for the first year and a half or so but apart from my mother coming to help out for a week after DS was born they've all seemed completely disinterested since then.
My father has a very difficult, intense personality. My parents divorced right after DS was born and I know DS's birth was part of the reason. My dad was very threatened and jealous of my mom's excitement over my pregnancies and DS's pending arrival. I remember an ugly phone call between him and my mom within hours of DS's birth.
DH and his mother never had a great relationship so her lack of interest didn't come as a surprise. She and FIL will send a card for b-day and Christmas and call a handfull of times but that is it. I used to send her pictures on a regular basis but stopped as she never said peep about them. Distance also plays into it, they live far away and never come visit.
They are, however, super involved with the other grandkids and thats ok by us. Those kids definately need them.
My mom and MIL are great (as is step-FIL). We call and chat on Skype at least once a week usually, and I try to get over to Ireland to see my mom at least a couple of times a year, and she tries to get over to us at least once as well. MIL and step-FIL live about 3 hours drive away - they came up 2 weeks ago for a couple of days to help us out while we moved house and we're going down to visit them soon too.
But both DH's dad and mine are - bleh... If it weren't for step-MIL I don't think FIL would ever bother contacting us. When we go to visit him (infrequently - he's never visited us) he's happy enough to play with DD for a few minutes, but then gets bored and wants us to 'do something with her'. He's not bad, just not a kid person and not interested.
My dad's a bit weirder though. He dotes on my cousin's two kids (she's the only one in the family apart from me who's had any children yet), especially the older one who's 9 months older than my DD (and has the same name - long story..). He raves on about this kid to me, telling me how smart and cute and etc. she is, but then seems totally underwhelmed by DD. For example, he was praising cousin's kid to the skies to me because she'd potty-trained just as she turned two, which is great. But then when my DD potty-learned a couple of months later at 18 months he couldn't give two hoots. DD is pretty smart and very cute too, but it just doesn't seem to cut it for my dad - she's always comparing unfavourably with my cousin's kid in his eyes.
I actually cried about it to my mom once - I was so sad for DD that she wouldn't have wonderful grand-dads like I did. One died when I was 3 but I still have some great memories of playing with him, and my other grand-dad is still alive and has always been my hero. But then I realised that at least DD would have a better dad than either DH or I ever had, and I think that's much more important in the long run.
The inlaws have no interest in my kids. They say they do but they don't attempt contact, don't reciprocate when we contact them, no birthday or holiday attention (except for this past year, and it was very small and very disinterested-kinda strange) MIL is far more interested in her other grandkids, by her own admittance.
It's sad, and it breaks my heart, but they are the ones who are missing out.
Wife, mom to 6 great kids!...avid crafter, music lover, reader, gardener!
Mary, Mama to 3 boys! 9/05 & 8/08 & 7/12
It doesn't really upset me much except when I compare my family with my in-laws who are over-the-top involved (which I do find annoying and sometimes even enraging).
I can see how it would be really terrible if you had a decent relationship with your mom though. I'm sorry you have to deal with that! I would try talking to her.
I don't know why we bother flying her out. I'd just as soon not.
one paternal grandmother who recently retired, but has not come by to see ds despite living 15 minutes away. She will not drive her precious PT Cruiser to our place because we live within the city limits and 'too many kids are running around outside' and might 'damage her car'. Trust me, we wouldn't be raising our son here if the area was as bad as she makes it sound!! She was not at the birth, and didn't visit in the hospital. She has never stayed overnight here with ds, never taken ds to her home or out anywhere, and unscheduled visits by her home are a no-no. Even now, when she's retired and literally stays in her pj's all day and watches QVC. I am, by no stretch of the imagination, being mean or overexaggerating with that observation.
and, one paternal grandfather that lives quite literally across the street from us but needs a constant kick in the a** to be reminded of that fact. He currently has a much younger girlfriend, with 4 year old twins of her own, and I know where we reside on his priority list. I recently dropped by hoping to leave ds with him so I could just run to the gorcery store, and the gf's children were already in his care. I am in no mood to compete, so I don't even bother asking him to be involved with ds anymore. Unfortunately, neither does he. And I don't mean to say I expect them to only babysit, I repeatedly offer visits to our home or theirs, with zero interest from them.
I have learned I cannot make these people be involved. Ds is their first (and quite possibly will be their only) grandchild, and it is not MY loss they choose not to participate. I have given up on guilting them, it simply cannot be done. I have also let go of my own guilt of not being able to provide a full 'family' to ds. It's not my job to provide grandparents to him, it is only my responsibility to be the best parent I can.
OP, sorry to hear your situation isn't turning out the way you'd expected. Focus on what YOU can do, and do it with love and sincereity. They may or may not figure it out someday. Hugs!
Sometimes you just can't push them.
All the others we only saw once or twice a year- living down the street from each other! No one ever offered or insisted on babysitting/spending time with my children.
Now we live 2.5 hours away from everyone and we get an occasional phone call, but no interaction.
Weird too because I was a teen mom. My parents were totally disinterested and hands off.
No one visitted me or asked to help. 2nd child came along when I was older and the same thing.
My MIL was the only one that cared and she passed away. Of course, it always seems like the ones you can't stand to lose or the ones that get taken.
My grandma though- she cared a lot but she was a great grandma to my kids and she passed away. During her time with them she cared a great deal, but was too frail to really interact the way she wanted to.
I don't get disinterested grandparents, I really don't. I think grandparent relationships are priceless, but maybe that's because I had disinterested parents and my grandmother was the only one I felt that loved me or cared for me.