Which family would you choose? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 66 Old 11-20-2009, 02:07 AM
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Originally Posted by mamadebug View Post
Hard to know if they are hypothetical people....but, I think it has to do with varying degrees of what they do. If it is a super parent dominant house where the kids are spanked or threatened with spanking throughout the day (as I have sadly seen), I would never leave my kids there. If they do CIO starting as a newborn and never go to the kiddo, even when sick, etc - again, I'd never leave my kids there.

But, there are families that I, for the most part, really like. They may not make all the same choices as I do, but I think they are overall great families. I can think of one friend who did rarely give her kids a spanking - one swat on the bottom. I don't think it is the best parenting strategy, and I have never done it, but it is far from beating a kid. I have another friend who did resort to CIO after a year and a half of sleep deprivation. Again, I don't think it is the greatest choice, but at that point, I think she did what she had to do. If my kids were overall really comfortable with these people, I think the risk of emotional trauma from one swat on the bottom once a year is less than the risk of being transplanted and left with people a kid doesn't know and having to form new bonds with them, even if they are really gentle people. But, again, hard to know unless you have real people with real examples of behavior! Glad you don't have to really make that choice!
I totally agree with this.

What a strange hypothetical scenario - why do you ask?

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#62 of 66 Old 11-20-2009, 09:42 AM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Birdie B. View Post
I totally agree with this.

What a strange hypothetical scenario - why do you ask?
I was giving extremes--then put a "dealbreaker" on both the one that looks good on paper and "something important to you" on the one who does not. So, having to choose the lesser of the two evils, if you will. The old "to get A, you have to give up B". (I honestly do not know anyone who does not spank in real life.)
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#63 of 66 Old 11-20-2009, 11:53 AM
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Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes View Post
(I honestly do not know anyone who does not spank in real life.)
I know very few who do. It's cruel. You'd assume more people would move beyond medieval methods of child rearing by now seeing how it harms children and families.

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#64 of 66 Old 11-20-2009, 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted by liliaceae View Post
This thread just makes me feel sad. It's so awful that mamas would just let their children be hit and neglected, even if it's the father doing it.
I think that is reading more into the words than was there.

Not everyone who has let their kids CIO is neglectful. Some people support it because they had easy kids that it worked quickly on. If you had asked me about CIO when I only had DS1 I would have been totally appalled, he was one of those kids that it simply wouldn't have worked on without inflicting permanent emotional damage on all of us (no it was never seriously tried). Then DS2 came around and on the nights I was alone with them there were times I had to put him in his crib, do something with DS1 and then go back to him. I wasn't intentionally picking CIO as a strategy but you know what? He generally cried for like 2 minutes and then zonked out. I didn't even have time to get back to him and do the normal bedtime routine. Had I been a first time mom with more mainstream ideas I might be saying "CIO works! Just try it!". That doesn't mean in a million years I would be able to listen to a kid cry for hours without responding to them.

Also spanking isn't a good strategy either but again it's one word that spans a whole spectrum of possible applications. Growing up my mother had a wooden spoon in a drawer than she would threaten to get if I was acting up. I was a pretty easy kid and the warning was enough for me but it wasn't until I was an adult and a parent that it occurred to me that she had never actually used the spoon, ever. Was I bare hand swatted a few times? Probably, I don't actually remember. I would still leave my children with my parents because I know them and have seen firsthand their reactions and judgment calls.

I'm not in any way advocating CIO or spanking, just saying that they aren't terms that have only one possible meaning. On the subject of family A, I wouldn't anymore leave my children with someone I don't really know (like day to day have seen their actual lives) because they read the same parenting books than I would let someone vote for me because we belong to the same political party. It's not a cut and dry choice between good vs. evil, and as a theoretical question is impossible to answer because it's hard to have a "gut feeling" about people that don't exist.

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#65 of 66 Old 11-20-2009, 08:00 PM
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I haven't read all the replies, but this is not hypothetical. This is my life. If something happens to DH and myself, our kids go to Parents A. DH and I are both atheists. Parents A are his brother and wife, who have three children already. They are deeply religious, which I do not have a problem with, but it is such a huge part of their life that it colors everything else and they would raise our children this way, regardless of our beliefs, and ascribe their own actions to the will of god.... all of which I do have a problem with. But much more important than the religion, they are warm, generous, honest people. They are gentle, loving parents, and respect the individuality of their children - all traits that I think make a healthy child grow into a happy, healthy adult.
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#66 of 66 Old 11-20-2009, 08:36 PM
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