"why can't your kids be normal and want everything" - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-21-2009, 11:42 AM
 
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Originally Posted by New_Natural_Mom View Post
That's the thing. If you, as the gift giver, love to give gifts (and a PP mentioned love languages and giving as a way to show love) then it should still be about the RECIPIENT, not the giver. If the kids want calligraphy supplies, or a train set, then that is what they want. An IPOD or other expensive gadget may be cool to the giver, but how is that showing love if the recipient doesn't want it? IMO, it's more about showing off - more look what I can give you, I'm special and you should love me b/c I spent all this money on you (not saying this is true in the OPs case).

I always thought that giving a gift was a way to show someone you care about THEM not about how they see YOU.
This. Exactly. If you (general) ask for a wishlist, then you really shouldn't criticize anything on it - the things on it are the things the recipient wants, so criticizing the items is criticizing the person. You have no obligation to buy from the list, of course, but taking the recipients wants into consideration is important. So many people just want to buy what they want to buy, regardless of whether the recipient would like it. That's just satisfying the givers own need for consumption.

Some people love to pick out gifts that the recipient would like that are not from a list. Great! I love that kind of creativity. The key is really taking what the recipient likes into consideration. Others prefer the security of a list and being garanteed that the recipient will like the gift. I prefer a list when I'm giving gifts, because I'm not into risks and hate the idea of messing up and getting them something they don't like.
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Old 11-21-2009, 06:48 PM
 
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I wonder if what she was disappointed about was that there wasn't a "high impact" gift on the list... Like an iPod or a Gaming System. Something that perhaps she would assume would result in more of a "WOW!" response than just a regular toy or set of art supplies... Not to imply that any child wouldn't be excited about getting a gift, but maybe she was thinking about a Best. Grandma. Ever. moment.

Of course, my feelings would still be hurt by the "normal" comment...
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Old 11-21-2009, 07:51 PM
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My DH and I talked about this over lunch today. He brought up something that I thought was relevant here:

We've been discussing the love languages of a giver-recipient relationship, but this isn't the same. This is a giver-recipient-parent relationship, and the trouble comes in when parent tries to be a moderator. We all want different things for our kids. I personally would like my kids to realize that they can't have everything they ever want, that there are more fun things in life than sitting in front of the TV all day, and that you can have all sorts of fun no matter how many toys you have. My parents want him to have everything he ever wants, and don't care how much it costs.

Threads come up all the time about how to mediate the relationship between grandparents and kids, but as soon as it becomes about gift giving, "etiquette" proclaims that you say and do NOTHING about your parent's gifting behaviours. Why? Why can't teaching your kids the values that are important to you apply in this area as well?
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Old 11-21-2009, 08:02 PM
 
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Just had to chime in- when DS was two he stuck to his one wish for the year- ICE CREAM (which santa brought him to eat for breakfast!) This summer we were at Santa's Village and when it was DS's turn to sit near Santa and he was asked what he wanted- he declared...a ROCK. (we have since learned he wants a pink rock-LOL).

Now that Christmas is closer he has a list a mile long- it seems he wants everything and then some.

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Old 11-22-2009, 03:52 AM
 
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Really, it goes both ways. If the giver were posting here, I'd say, "You should consider what the person likes, not just what you want to give." But the other half of the equation is, "You should accepts the gifts people give you graciously."
I agree with this completely, but I still think the quote in the OP is over the top and can't see how it relates to love languages or wanting to give a nice gift. If someone said that about my kids, especially if they said it in front of them, I think I'd invite them to not buy my kids anything.

DS2 wants four things this year! I'm shocked. Last year, he only ever said "a hedgehog", referring to a specific chocolate that had been in his stocking the year before. If pressed for anything else he wanted, he'd add "a candy cane". It was soooo sweet.

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Sometimes people will get you what you want, and sometimes not, but you don't have control over how other people spend their money, and it's rude to tell people what gifts to buy you and your kids. So you can either get upset that they don't buy what you would buy, or appreciate that your children have grandparents who love them and are trying to be kind and generous.
I never tell anyone what to buy (my family does do wish lists, but it's very clear that they're not a list of requirements, yk?). But, I wouldn't appreciate having people mock my kids for not "wanting everything". It's just so incredibly rude, and has nothing to do with the spirit of giving, imo.

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Old 11-22-2009, 03:57 AM
 
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Hey - at least your kids want TOYS.

Know what ds wants for Christmas? A plastic ID holder with a zip top (clear). This is his reaction when he got a package of Avery brand ID clips 2 years ago.
That's awesome.

We don't have anything that great, but I will say that a few rolls of coloured electrical tape were one of the biggest hits I ever put in a stocking. Oh - and I gave my nephew salad last year, and may do it again this year...

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Old 11-22-2009, 10:41 AM
 
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it was absolutely wrong for your mom to talk about your kids like that.

that said I understand her wanting yuour kids to want stuff. Those lists are small and don't give her much to play with. And sure she could still get your kids an ipod or something expensive and cool but if they weren't going to be blown away excited about it then what fun is that.

I really hate gift lists though because they don't really get down to thwta the kids are interested in (although it is clear your kids have a love for trains sets ) When people would ask me what my kids wanted I usually would just give them generalities about things like "oh they are really into this, or that" but if it was something with a lot of sets and stuff I would tyell them to let me know what they were thinking about or whatever so i could tell them if we had that peice/set.

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Old 11-22-2009, 11:11 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I agree with this completely, but I still think the quote in the OP is over the top and can't see how it relates to love languages or wanting to give a nice gift. If someone said that about my kids, especially if they said it in front of them, I think I'd invite them to not buy my kids anything.

DS2 wants four things this year! I'm shocked. Last year, he only ever said "a hedgehog", referring to a specific chocolate that had been in his stocking the year before. If pressed for anything else he wanted, he'd add "a candy cane". It was soooo sweet.


I never tell anyone what to buy (my family does do wish lists, but it's very clear that they're not a list of requirements, yk?). But, I wouldn't appreciate having people mock my kids for not "wanting everything". It's just so incredibly rude, and has nothing to do with the spirit of giving, imo.
I agree with that. In my first reply, I said there are two issues. The first is how she talked about the kids, and she shouldn't talk about them like that, and particularly not in front of them. I just see the gift-giving issue itself as a separate thing. She seems to have trouble wording things appropriately, and I would definitely talk to her about that, because it is just plain not cool. But, on the other hand, she does seem to have her heart in the right place as far as wanting to get something nice for her grandkids, as far as I can tell.
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Old 11-22-2009, 09:52 PM
 
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But, on the other hand, she does seem to have her heart in the right place as far as wanting to get something nice for her grandkids, as far as I can tell.
I guess I'm just not getting that from this. I think someone who wanted to get something nice for her grandkids would be interested in what they want. It's not just that she said what she said - it's that she was thinking it.

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Old 11-23-2009, 02:07 PM
 
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