S/O When does the attachment stop? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: When does attachment end/kind of support?
Never-child can get any kind of help from me, financial,emotional,etc. 112 68.29%
18-no more $ but I'll be there for emotional support 0 0%
18-no more support of any kind, on your own kiddo! 0 0%
19-23- no more $ but I'll be there for emotional support 9 5.49%
19-23- no more support after that, on your own! 0 0%
Whenever they finish college-no $, I'll be there for emotional support 15 9.15%
whenever they finish college-no more support ,on their own 1 0.61%
when they have their own family-only emotional support 3 1.83%
when they have their own family-no support 0 0%
Other 24 14.63%
Voters: 164. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 11-30-2009, 02:19 PM
 
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I couldn't vote -- there are too many variables at play. If they were responsible adults who got in a bind, sure, I'd be there in a heartbeat. If they continually made terrible decisions or if I felt like they were using me and all I was doing was contributing to dysfunction, then I'd probably be practicing tough love.

My own mother is a good example of both -- my brother and I are responsible people who do our best for our families but occasionally need help, and she never hesitates for a second to help us, and does so willingly and joyfully. My mom's sister, on the other hand (who is much younger than my mom and who she essentially raised), is very irresponsible and doesn't do anything to advance her situation except stick out her hand, and my mom is very frustrated with her and resents the help she's expected to provide in a way that she's never for a second resented me or my brother.

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Old 11-30-2009, 02:38 PM
 
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Then you have misunderstood.
Clearly.

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Old 11-30-2009, 02:45 PM
 
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my dh has a fantastic relationship with his parents, who raised him doing lots of ap stuff.
right now, he and his dad are downstairs installing a new microwave together in our kitchen.
his da does lots of stuff to help him, yet my dh has done very well on his own, managing money, running a business, etc. the ap never has seemed to stop and it doesn't seem to be anything anyone thinks about. it flows both ways, though, for example, dh will help cut down trees and chop wood for da, etc.
i think it's just what it means to be a solid family. dh never had issues with needing "bailing out" from his family -- which i think is the goal of ap anyway. he's been an independent adult since he's been an adult, yet there is lots of "help" with needs, etc. when the occasion arises/ and dh gives as much as he gets.

Is it getting lonely in the echo chamber yet?

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Old 11-30-2009, 02:48 PM
 
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and dh gives as much as he gets.
And I think that's key. That means there's a real relationship going. That's my goal as well.
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Old 11-30-2009, 05:53 PM
 
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My hope and dream is that I will be able to continue giving my daughter support as she needs throughout her life, while allowing her to gain her full "adulthood" and be able to be her own person.
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Old 11-30-2009, 07:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I couldn't vote -- there are too many variables at play. If they were responsible adults who got in a bind, sure, I'd be there in a heartbeat. If they continually made terrible decisions or if I felt like they were using me and all I was doing was contributing to dysfunction, then I'd probably be practicing tough love.

My own mother is a good example of both -- my brother and I are responsible people who do our best for our families but occasionally need help, and she never hesitates for a second to help us, and does so willingly and joyfully. My mom's sister, on the other hand (who is much younger than my mom and who she essentially raised), is very irresponsible and doesn't do anything to advance her situation except stick out her hand, and my mom is very frustrated with her and resents the help she's expected to provide in a way that she's never for a second resented me or my brother.
I thought I made it clear in my OP that we are NOT talking about enabling or any kind of using sitch. I'd think that most of us have the goal of wanting to raise healthy, well adjusted, functioning adults.

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my dh has a fantastic relationship with his parents, who raised him doing lots of ap stuff.
right now, he and his dad are downstairs installing a new microwave together in our kitchen.
his da does lots of stuff to help him, yet my dh has done very well on his own, managing money, running a business, etc. the ap never has seemed to stop and it doesn't seem to be anything anyone thinks about. it flows both ways, though, for example, dh will help cut down trees and chop wood for da, etc.
i think it's just what it means to be a solid family. dh never had issues with needing "bailing out" from his family -- which i think is the goal of ap anyway. he's been an independent adult since he's been an adult, yet there is lots of "help" with needs, etc. when the occasion arises/ and dh gives as much as he gets.
THIS exactly. I don't think it's that hard to understand. Your DH, I'm sure, is able to stand on his own 2 feet, has coping skills, etc. right?

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And I think that's key. That means there's a real relationship going. That's my goal as well.
Where did anyone say there wasn't a real relationship going? I'm not sure I'm quite getting your mindset.

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My hope and dream is that I will be able to continue giving my daughter support as she needs throughout her life, while allowing her to gain her full "adulthood" and be able to be her own person.
Yes. YES! It's so simple ! This is what most of us want and are tring to say.

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Old 11-30-2009, 07:41 PM
 
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I thought I made it clear in my OP that we are NOT talking about enabling or any kind of using sitch. I'd think that most of us have the goal of wanting to raise healthy, well adjusted, functioning adults.
Okay. My answer is still "it depends," though. I'll support my kids always, within reason and within my abilities. There's no age or life situation that would make my answer be yes or no, it would just depend on all the circumstances (my kids' and my own) combined.

And like with my own very supportive, loving mother who does as much as she can (which is a lot!) but also has her own (reasonable, IMO) limitations, I'll hope that my kids have compassion for where I'm coming from too and aren't quick to write me off as selfish or uncaring during the rare times when I'm unable to provide immediate assistance.

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Old 11-30-2009, 07:56 PM
 
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I thought I made it clear in my OP that we are NOT talking about enabling or any kind of using sitch. I'd think that most of us have the goal of wanting to raise healthy, well adjusted, functioning adults.
this is the most popular option: "-child can get any kind of help from me, financial,emotional,etc"

That's already not true in our house, and my oldest is only 13. My kids want more money and one wants more emotional support than is reasonable. I feel, based on my experience with my offspring, that saying "I have confidence taht you can deal with that yourself" is appropriate at times. I feel that, depending on the situation, saying "no" is the best parenting.

I do not believe that "-child can get any kind of help from me, financial,emotional,etc" is the best way to end up with well adjusted, functioning adults. I'm sure the child's temperment makes a big difference.

Just for the record, my kids co-slept forever, tandem nursed, were carried in slings, have only ever experienced gentle discpline, and spent most of their childhoods homeschooling in a relaxed way. My AP creditials are very solid. None the less, my kids' concept of a crises they need me to help them with and my concept of a crises they need me to help them with aren't always the same.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 11-30-2009, 08:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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this is the most popular option: "-child can get any kind of help from me, financial,emotional,etc"

That's already not true in our house, and my oldest is only 13. My kids want more money and one wants more emotional support than is reasonable. I feel, based on my experience with my offspring, that saying "I have confidence taht you can deal with that yourself" is appropriate at times. I feel that, depending on the situation, saying "no" is the best parenting.

I do not believe that "-child can get any kind of help from me, financial,emotional,etc" is the best way to end up with well adjusted, functioning adults. I'm sure the child's temperment makes a big difference.

Just for the record, my kids co-slept forever, tandem nursed, were carried in slings, have only ever experienced gentle discpline, and spent most of their childhoods homeschooling in a relaxed way. My AP creditials are very solid. None the less, my kids' concept of a crises they need me to help them with and my concept of a crises they need me to help them with aren't always the same.
I don't think the poll option would have let me write out a long winded answer. I think that most of us undertood the response does not mean when our 25 year old wants to quit their great career, traipse around Europe that we'll finance it by selling our house because we can't say no.

It means that if that 25 year old wants to travel Europe that we discuss it with them, make sure they have a good, solid plan in place and tell them to go for their dream!

I'm certainly not advocating giving an adult child unlimited supply of financial and emotional support at anytime for anything because they can't do anything for themself. However, my child and I will hopefully have the type of relationship where he is confident, secure, yet able to come to me for help if need be.

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Old 11-30-2009, 08:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
this is the most popular option: "-child can get any kind of help from me, financial,emotional,etc"

That's already not true in our house, and my oldest is only 13. My kids want more money and one wants more emotional support than is reasonable. I feel, based on my experience with my offspring, that saying "I have confidence taht you can deal with that yourself" is appropriate at times. I feel that, depending on the situation, saying "no" is the best parenting.

I do not believe that "-child can get any kind of help from me, financial,emotional,etc" is the best way to end up with well adjusted, functioning adults. I'm sure the child's temperment makes a big difference.

Just for the record, my kids co-slept forever, tandem nursed, were carried in slings, have only ever experienced gentle discpline, and spent most of their childhoods homeschooling in a relaxed way. My AP creditials are very solid. None the less, my kids' concept of a crises they need me to help them with and my concept of a crises they need me to help them with aren't always the same.

Thank you for this post.
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Old 11-30-2009, 09:41 PM
 
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It means that if that 25 year old wants to travel Europe that we discuss it with them, make sure they have a good, solid plan in place and tell them to go for their dream!
I don't expect to be checking that my 25 year old has a plan in place anymore than I would expect them to check that I have a plan in place before a trip. I just don't see my 25 year old asking for my permission for anything. By then, either I've done my job of teaching them to have a plan or I haven't.

If you were going to do something and your parent wanted to make sure that you had a plan, and then felt they could judge if the plan was solid, and then would tell you to go for it or not, would you like that? Wouldn't you find it a little insulting?

To my mind, that's not how adults talk to other adults who they see as equals.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 11-30-2009, 09:46 PM
 
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I don't expect to be checking that my 25 year old has a plan in place anymore than I would expect them to check that I have a plan in place before a trip. I just don't see my 25 year old asking for my permission for anything. By then, either I've done my job of teaching them to have a plan or I haven't.

If you were going to do something and your parent wanted to make sure that you had a plan, and then felt they could judge if the plan was solid, and then would tell you to go for it or not, would you like that? Wouldn't you find it a little insulting?

To my mind, that's not how adults talk to other adults who they see as equals.
ITA.

By the age of 25 I had gotten married and had a kid. I'd been on 3 major trips (1 before getting married, 2 after) and I didn't check anything with my parents.

My parents were interested in my plans. But they had no say over them in any way shape or form.
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Old 11-30-2009, 09:58 PM
 
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I don't expect to be checking that my 25 year old has a plan in place anymore than I would expect them to check that I have a plan in place before a trip. I just don't see my 25 year old asking for my permission for anything. By then, either I've done my job of teaching them to have a plan or I haven't.

If you were going to do something and your parent wanted to make sure that you had a plan, and then felt they could judge if the plan was solid, and then would tell you to go for it or not, would you like that? Wouldn't you find it a little insulting?

To my mind, that's not how adults talk to other adults who they see as equals.
I agree. It's only supportive if the grown-up child wants that level of involvement; otherwise it's intrusive, IMO. My MIL used to be like that sometimes -- we would casually mention that we were thinking about getting a new area rug or something, and she would spend whole weekends going around to 15 stores pricing out rugs and bring us a bunch of ads/coupons/pictures of everything she found. I thought it was really weird, but it was all done under the guise of "helping." I quickly learned to share information like that with her after we had already done it, because somehow she interpreted any mention of anything as a request for help, and it was just awkward and sent a message, however unintentional, that she didn't trust us to handle it on our own.

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Old 11-30-2009, 10:49 PM
 
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Never-child can get any kind of help from me, financial,emotional,etc that I am able to give (we have a history of being pretty poor). I want my children to know that when they call me for help I will get there as soon as I can to help them or at least help them over the phone. If my children ask me for money, I will give them as much as I can give. If my children want to live at home with DH and I, of course I will let them. Granted, as they age the relationship will grow and we will all learn to support one another. Living in Japan has shown me how well this seems to work. Families live together (we are friends with one family who all live in the same house: great grandma, grandparents, parents, and children), help each other, care for one another, and we love how this works. When my friend was dying of cancer, everyone took care of her children and it wasn't a big shift from their regular routine since they all lived together anyway (yes, they were sad about their mom, but I think they were able to move on a little better knowing they had this large support system). I really want this for my family. I want us all to try and live near each other (if not in the same house) and I want us all to take care of one another financially and emotionally. I'm not sure it will happen, but it's nice living in a culture where this is the norm and my children see this and comment about how nice it is.

Barbara:  an always learning SAHM of Ilana (11) and Aiden (8) living in Belgium with my amazing husband.

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