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Tell me about not being "child centered"

10K views 149 replies 65 participants last post by  Aeress 
#1 ·
I've heard the concept that American culture is too child centered, so that children grow up believing they are the center of the world and always want to get their way.

I lived in another culture for several years, and since returning to the US, I've realized even more how much my extended family is child centered.

So if you're trying intentionally to not be child centered, what are some things that you do?

ETA: I clarified what I mean by "child centered" in post 17
 
#130 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by bluedaisy View Post
In the US, we tend to see any pain, hardship, or discomfort as a bad thing. We try really hard to shield our kids from any discomfort at all (i.e. in the examples of worrying that they might be hungry if they don't finish their dinner or if they refuse a snack).
Even though I too recognize that the Kenyan boarding school is definitely on the other end of the spectrum, this totally resonates with me anyway. This is one reason why I don't identify with "gentle discipline". I mean, we don't spank, we don't yell, we don't shame, we try to be as age appropriate as the situation warrants, but at the same time, some things are NOT up for discussion, I don't think too hard about how I say things (or what I say, like "no" and "good job"), we are not consentual all, and I have no issues at all with imposing unnatural consequences (like taking toys away for not taking taking proper care of them, etc).

My reason for all this? I want to do better than my parents by not spanking and shaming and yelling, but at the same time, life is REALLY unfair and rough, and I feel like I'd be doing her a huuuuuuuuuge disservice if I cut the word "no" from my vocabulary and tried to make every decision mutual. I do not believe that children are equal peers to adults, and while I am very mindful of her age when applying that, I think part of raising a good kid is not alluding to the fact they are equal to everyone around them. They're not. From things like landlords, banks, bosses, to heck, even insurance companies, giving her the false impression that everyone is going to work with her and come to a mutually agreeable solution is painting the world with a deceptive brush.

Anyway, long story longer (
), I don't think it's character building to be mutually agreeable and gentle to your kids 100% of the time. What I think is character building is when you take disappointment, mistakes, and even authority, and learn from it. I don't try to avoid those things. They're a part of life. I'm not going to take 15 minutes to figure out a seating arrangement, or make 3 different breakfasts, or go out of my way to negotiate with a 3 year old. I guess I'm big old coercive, punitive meanie. But hey, so is life!


Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelly1101 View Post
Dealing with hardship and disappointment SHOULD be part of life lessons, but at an age where the child has the resources to deal with it, with as little or as much help as is appropriate.
Yep.
 
#131 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Holiztic View Post
I always hate to say this kind of thing in these threads, because it's basically too late for this approach, but for anyone lurking with a baby not yet on solids, I'll go ahead. I don't mean to make anyone feel bad about what they have or haven't done, I am sure there are categories like this for me (like sleep--which I did all wrong!)

I believe it is VITAL to totally shelter our babies, toddler, and preschoolers when it comes to food. We simply cannot expect a tiny child to taste modern, industrial foods that have been formulated (literally) to taste good beyond anything nature has provided, and then continue to enjoy real food. When a toddler eats candy, cookies, flavored anything, really most store-bought snack or treat food (even organic crackers!), they are going to internalize this flavor,t exture, etc. as being superior to whole foods or homemade foods. There are obviously some exceptions to this for most kids, but on whole I believe this to be a huge problem.

My DS is 2.5 and he eats sugar maybe 1-2 times a month--almost never at home. He eats fruit leather as a treat, again, never at home. We have no convenience food here--no juice except aloe vera juice which he loves
, he has learned (and knows no other way) that what I home cook for a meal is all there is--short of fruit and nuts. Even if I make homemade crackers or barely sweet cookies I only let on that there is 1 serving's worth and the rest hide for late-night mommy daddy snacks or go to work with daddy.

Is this dishonest? Wrong? Mean? So sheltering that he'll go off the deep end when he discovers candy, cookies, soda, etc.? Well, if I kept this up with this level of purity until his teen years, then yes, I think so. But babies and toddlers are NOT teens. They need us to give them a framework from which they can use their independent judgment when they do get older. My DS LOVES real food and I believe I have done him this service in not letting junk food (which I consider to be most food at grocery stores!) distort his tastes.

ETA: Oh, and this obviously only works with a child that is home most of the time, and in "trusted" food places the rest of the time. If we had no choice but to have DS in care, I know this would not be so easy, and I do not pretend that it is for those of you in such a situation!
The results won't be known until your son moves out on his own as an adult. Right now at 2.5, he is eating what you decide. The proof of your method will be when he chooses as an adult. Not that your method is wrong but that it's unproven yet. No parenting decision can be said to work until the child is an adult and still following what the parent had laid down when they were children. That's why kids in general have a tendency to "go wild" when they move out. It's not a rebellion but trying out things that were not part of their childhood.
 
#132 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherry Alive View Post
But what about the concept of not giving children dessert unless they finish their dinner? And what if they've decided their (once loved) dinner has suddenly all become too "yucky"?
Remove dessert from dinner. If dessert is always offered/served right after dinner, it's part of dinner and should be served to everyone regardless of how much or how little they eat of the other foods. Otherwise, the dessert attains way too much importance in relationship to the other foods. If, as a parent, you decide that your children must eat more of the dinner portion of the meal, then serve dessert later in the evening. Growing up, we never had dessert as part of dinner. Dinner was served at 6pm and dessert was offered after 8pm. Dh and I continued that when we had kids. The kids who had a bedtime before 8pm didn't get dessert (we called it evening snack to further remove it from part of a meal and to make the connection with snack time clearer). As they grew older and went to bed later, they were asked if they wanted a snack before bedtime. For those rare times (like birthdays or holidays) when we do have desserts, they are brought out as the last part of the meal and eaten at the table.
 
#133 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by bluedaisy View Post
In the US, we tend to see any pain, hardship, or discomfort as a bad thing. We try really hard to shield our kids from any discomfort at all (i.e. in the examples of worrying that they might be hungry if they don't finish their dinner or if they refuse a snack).
I honestly don't get the "he/she might be hungry" thing. The only time I really think about that is in the evening. I try to avoid sending kids to bed hungry, because if they're hungry, they don't sleep well, and then I end up dealing with cranky kids the next day. That's also why I bring a snack when we grocery shop.
 
#134 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by sewchris2642 View Post
The results won't be known until your son moves out on his own as an adult. Right now at 2.5, he is eating what you decide. The proof of your method will be when he chooses as an adult. Not that your method is wrong but that it's unproven yet. No parenting decision can be said to work until the child is an adult and still following what the parent had laid down when they were children. That's why kids in general have a tendency to "go wild" when they move out. It's not a rebellion but trying out things that were not part of their childhood.
Actually, while it is true that Holiztic cannot predict how her son will respond to junk food temptation in the future, it IS well established that how a child eats in the first 10 years of life have a huge impact on his lifelong health. A child who is breastfed and fed a diet of mostly plant-based whole foods will have a lower risk of various diseases, cancer in particular, as an adult, than a child who is formula fed and given a diet heavy in animal foods or processed foods. What you eat as an adult is not as important to disease prevention as what you were fed as a child; therefore, it is best to be grateful for the years during which we control what our children eat, and to take advantage of them without worrying that we are going to cause diet rebellion 15 years down the road.
 
#135 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Super Pickle View Post
Actually, while it is true that Holiztic cannot predict how her son will respond to junk food temptation in the future, it IS well established that how a child eats in the first 10 years of life have a huge impact on his lifelong health. A child who is breastfed and fed a diet of mostly plant-based whole foods will have a lower risk of various diseases, cancer in particular, as an adult, than a child who is formula fed and given a diet heavy in animal foods or processed foods. What you eat as an adult is not as important to disease prevention as what you were fed as a child; therefore, it is best to be grateful for the years during which we control what our children eat, and to take advantage of them without worrying that we are going to cause diet rebellion 15 years down the road.
Since my name was lumped in on that post, I want to just speak up that I am with you as long as we include animal foods raised on pasture as "plant-based", because I very much include it in how you are using the idea of healthful vs unhealthful. Our diet is full of pasture-based meat, eggs, diary, etc. Of course its also full of fruits and veggies, too! When you remove processed foods it leaves room for animal foods without replacing a bounty of plant foods!
 
#136 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I honestly don't get the "he/she might be hungry" thing. The only time I really think about that is in the evening. I try to avoid sending kids to bed hungry, because if they're hungry, they don't sleep well, and then I end up dealing with cranky kids the next day. That's also why I bring a snack when we grocery shop.
Totally agree on the nighttime thing. I have no desire to deal with a screaming hungry kid at 4am.
 
#137 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by sewchris2642 View Post
The results won't be known until your son moves out on his own as an adult. Right now at 2.5, he is eating what you decide. The proof of your method will be when he chooses as an adult. Not that your method is wrong but that it's unproven yet. No parenting decision can be said to work until the child is an adult and still following what the parent had laid down when they were children. That's why kids in general have a tendency to "go wild" when they move out. It's not a rebellion but trying out things that were not part of their childhood.
Once they get to age 3-4, they begin to question the boundaries we have set, to see how much control they have over their own selves. They start to see what the other kids are eating and what's on the market shelves (in all its technicolor glory), and want to know why they've never tried that before. That's when move into the stage of presenting acceptable substitutes until they can understand the difference between wholesome food and junk food; a 4 year old may not care that's he's drinking cloudy natural apple juice while his pals are drinking apple-flavored high fructose corn syrup, but he will likely care if he's limited to water while his friends have juice.
 
#138 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherry Alive View Post
But what about the concept of not giving children dessert unless they finish their dinner? And what if they've decided their (once loved) dinner has suddenly all become too "yucky"?
I think that it is perfectly fine to offer other healthy choices that kids may also like. Sometimes people get sick of food they have always liked because they need variety. I hate to see the extreme assumptions that many people seem to be making on discussions like this. If you offer your kids meal choices that doesn't mean you are offering the choice to only eat junk food or that you are offering the choice to neglect a food group, it means you are offering you child the chance to decide on a choice that is agreeable to both of you. Offering children the choice of acceptable outings, weather appropriate clothing, and acceptable home activities also doesn't lead to chaos. The whole hysteria about offering choices leading to mass chaos and bad eating habits seems so silly to me. Offering healthy choices and choices that you are happy with helps children feel respected and helps them feel less like they have to push against overly restrictive boundaries.

I also don't see how someone can believe that only parents who aren't child centered have reasonable expectations for children helping out around the house to the best of their ability. Child centered to me is knowing my child's abilities and meeting her with expectations and choices that I know she can handle, it is not a free for all where I let her walk on me. I think it is very offensive for people to make blanket statements about people who care about their children's needs and desires.
 
#139 ·
I am trying to figure out how to go from being "child-centered" (which is perfectly appropriate for a preschool classroom and I worked in preschools before I was a parent) to being "family-centered" or "not so child-centered' at least.

DH is from Sudan and we interact a lot with other Sudanese families. Their families/children are much like the OP mentioned, the kids amuse themselves in another room. They don't interrupt adult conversations. They're not *Forbidden* from coming in the room and interacting with the adults, this happens quite a bit too--BUT--they don't interrupt. It occurs at natural places.
The children also are somewhat like I was raised--partially by my grandmother--from a young age, you will see the girls in the kitchen helping Mom, passing cookies/candy to guests, things like that. 2 weeks ago I saw a teenager prep dinner for the family while Mom was at the library studying--she's going to grad school.

I want kids like that, not entitled, spoiled brats who would assume, if I was going to grad school, that I would come home and make the dinner, or that I would call for pizza or something. (I might sometimes, but that is beside the point.)

At first, I thought DH's *insistence* that they go play in their room was over-the-top, didn't see a reason for it.

Now that i'm starting to get a little frustrated with not being able to converse with DH, we are more people in a small place, all that, I am starting to see his point and I want them to learn to entertain themselves sometimes. In their room. Absolutely NOTHING wrong with that!

I have to respectfully disagree with a sleep schedule being too child-centered. I keep to one for the most part, we do break it for special occasions.

The reason I like it? It makes for happier kids when we all want to go out and do something. It gives me definite time that is *MINE* in the day.

So has anyone else gone from more child-centered to less child-centered?? what have you done that works??
 
#141 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy777 View Post
I am way to child centered. My children run over top of me.

So just out of curiosity how do you think your kids run over you? Just wondering your thoughts of what you might think led that to happen. I am enjoying this post and it is always good to hear things that people think help kids and what they think hurts kids. In the sense that they can over run you or become 'the one who runs things'.

In my life I see many scenarios where for me personally the kids 'run the show'. Mom buys them what they want and is their 'buddy' instead of being their parent. Let them do what they want, have no rules, structure or morals. So now they are disrespectful, materialistic, rude and truthfully dont care whom they offend or hurt because 'it is all about them'. It is quite frightening to me.
 
#142 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by zippy_francis View Post
So now they are disrespectful, materialistic, rude and truthfully dont care whom they offend or hurt because 'it is all about them'. It is quite frightening to me.
Hi Jenn


It is frightening because the kids that continually get what they want and run the show do not end up as responsible adults. They just cannot handle the real world because they never learned basic respect and responsibility as children. And truthfully, it's not that they don't care who they hurt, it is just they they don't even realize that they are hurting anyone because they are sooo focused on themselves.

My sister was the ruler of our family growing up and now she and her baby are living with my mom leaching off of her and expecting my mother to not only pay for EVERYTHING but also care for the baby. She has always been the center and will continue to be until my mother steps up and stops being her "friend" and starts being her mother.
My sister continually hurts the people she loves too, not on purpose, but because she is just so self-centered.
 
#143 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by peaceful_mama View Post
DH is from Sudan and we interact a lot with other Sudanese families. Their families/children are much like the OP mentioned, the kids amuse themselves in another room. They don't interrupt adult conversations.
This drives me nuts with some of my friends. Their children interrupt constantly when adults are talking. It isn't even about age for me. It's simply rude to cut into someone else mid-sentence and start sharing your own story. My son in particular (DD is a bit young for much conversation) is a part of our conversations, but I have no problem saying, "let me finish what I was saying" before turning to him. It's the same thing I'd do to an adult. We actually had a friend's child over last week. DH and I were talking, and he said, "hey, you 2 stop talking. I want something." I just turned around and said, "we're having a conversation. Hold on a second." I was floored, but I've seen the same with his own parents. They stop in the middle of everything for whatever he wants. A lot of our friends do that, and I find it really problematic.

As for other things, I know we probably could be better. I'm struggling right now with thinking that, like you, maybe we've been too child-centered on some things. In particular the kids are allowed to choose where they sleep (our room or theirs) and alternate a good bit. It's starting to become a problem for DH (he was never 100% on-board with co-sleeping from the beginning), and I am struggling with how to change the way we do things to make everyone comfortable/secure/happy.

I had an abusive childhood. It was horribly traumatic and covered the gamut as far as types of abuse. Although I'd dealt with a good bit of the abuse-related issues before kids, I wasn't prepared for how much I didn't know what a good parent *looks* like and also how much I'd want to shield my children from every hurt. I felt so alone and vulnerable as a child from the earliest I can remember, and the fear of my children ever feeling that was has become paralyzing. At the same time, I know it's not a good thing for them never to face disappointment, and it is tough to know where to draw that line.
 
#144 ·
About food: In my family, we all have fast and sensitive metabolisms. While it is true that we will not die of starvation if allowed no food for 12 hours, the low blood sugar makes us feel panicked and furious. While it is true that eating the "wrong" food when we have strong feelings about what is the "right" food will not kill us, it can cause us a day or so of headache, acid stomach, constipation, or other problems. Everything goes more smoothly for ALL of us if ALL of us are able to eat when we're hungry and fulfill any strong food cravings.

We have tried being the strong parents who won't let their child "control" them by letting him have a different food or an unscheduled meal, and we have found that we cannot do it. It's not just because his behavior is so horrible as a result. It's because of empathy: "How would I feel if I couldn't make oatmeal myself and I was looking at the oatmeal up there and being told that if I won't eat chili I can't have anything, when I KNOW that my body needs oatmeal now and beans would be VERY BAD for me?" And it's because we want our child to be aware of his body's needs and make intelligent choices about foods, instead of being like most Americans.

That said, when we have cooked a full meal for the family (that is, we're not having leftovers or breakfast) and it's ready to eat, EnviroDaddy and I sit down and eat, and our response to requests for something different is, "This is ready now, and we are eating. If you won't eat this, you'll have to wait until one of us is available to make oatmeal." And we won't make him a separate food that requires elaborate preparation, only things like leftovers, sandwich, fruit, yogurt, cereal, etc.

We had an interesting time on Saturday when EnviroKid woke from a late nap just as I was about to start dinner. I told him we were going to make beans and guacamole, a meal he normally loves to eat and loves to help make, but he got very anxious: "I can't, I can't eat that, it's too--watery? spicy? I don't know how to say it, but I just can't eat that; it will make my tummy hurt." I said that was fine, but the avocados were perfect and this was what I was making and he could have a sandwich. "But no! If you guys are eating that, I'm going to eat it. Because I like it. Except today I should NOT eat it. But if I see you eating it, I will have to eat it." We talked about how sometimes you have to be around other people who are eating things you can't eat, and we know he can cope with that because he's routinely not allowed to eat the meat at school. (But I was thinking, sometimes you HAVE to be in that situation, but sometimes you're at home with your loved ones who could wait one day for guacamole out of consideration for you!) He said, "If we make Honey Baked Lentils and sweet potatoes and put it all in the oven, then we can play Parcheesi while it's baking, and in one hour we will have a nice dinner we all can eat." Hard to argue with that! We had all the ingredients on hand, it would be easier than making the other meal plus something for him, and I could still make the beans and guac the next day. So we did that, and it worked out fine.
Now, is that child-centered, or is that being flexible in order to meet the needs of all family members?

About interrupting: It takes years for kids to learn etiquette, but it's never too early to start! We say, "You're interrupting. Please let me finish." and insist on it, but then we give him an opportunity to speak ASAP so it's clear that waiting pays off and he WILL get his turn. (It took me a while to realize how important that is. I was trying to finish the whole conversation with another adult before giving him a turn. That's too frustrating for a young child. The only kids I've known who've accepted it are those who have a very compliant, patient temperament and those who are spanked every time they interrupt.)

To make that work, it's crucial that his dad and I respond appropriately when he points out to us that we've interrupted him! We actually do it WAY too often! Now that he's calling us on it, we're realizing that we had not been giving him the conversational respect we expect from him. Now we are using these opportunities to model the way we want him to respond when we tell him he's interrupting: "Oh! I'm sorry. Go ahead."
 
#145 ·
wow! what a thread!

About food:
We allow some choice for breakfast and it usually ends up being eggs. If I don't feel like eggs, I eat something different. that's OK with me. For lunch and dinner there is no negotiations, and she never tries. if she doesn't want something, she can refuse it and when's she's hungry later, she can always come back to it. If she refuses then, we won't send her to bed hungry, but will find something easy to give her so she sleeps. It rarely comes to this.
As far as dessert/snacks. We have a rule in our house: growing foods come before snack foods. if she's eaten enough growing foods in the day, then sometime (rarely near meals) she can have a "snack food" which is usually a couple tablespoons of organic juice, or a little honey, or some popcorn/molasses licorice treats. She gets no sugar, and never has. she knows that sugar is for adults, because adults are better able to deal with sugar. because she's never tried it, it's never been an issue. We eat little sugar anyways, so it rarely comes up.

About interupting:
I could work on this a lot. I am used to allowing her to interrupt and now am working at stopping that. i just got so excited that she actually started speaking that I forgot the basics of communication.


about necessary unpleasantness:
I remember one of the things that struck me in the continuum concept was that they didn't have a different word for work and play in their tribe. IN our culture "work" is bad and "play" is good. We try not to differentiate in our house, or place judgement on tasks. Scrubbing the toilet seems just as much "fun" to DD as shoveling the driveway, playing with toys or reading a book. they are all things that happen in the day, some more than others. I sometimes think because of this, my DD helps with everything, sometimes more than I even want (she'd vacuum for an hour if I let her, and washes dishes three times over!).
She also knows that she doesn't always get what she wants, when she wants it. I just try to be assertive and let her know what the option is ("no walk mommy, me up!" and I respond "you are walking, let's go!). sometimes this results in a little scream, and if it does, it doesn't change my decision. I rarely change my mind because of a screaming fit. But of course, there are exceptions.

I think that one of the reasons "not being child centred" works so well in the tribe from the continuum concept is because they are a TRIBE. there are always many adults and children of many ages about. There are many people for a child to learn from, many children that will take other children under their wing. It is hard to maintain non-child centredness while living isolated in a little box, with nothing but your nuclear family. I think that the move away from tribal living (aka, how humans evolved for a million years) is a big issue in our society. Intergenerational homes are way more like tribes, and hence have children who are better able to engage in an appropriate manner - so I think anyways.

I WHOLEY feel that
 
#146 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Mama_Meme View Post

I think that one of the reasons "not being child centred" works so well in the tribe from the continuum concept is because they are a TRIBE. there are always many adults and children of many ages about. There are many people for a child to learn from, many children that will take other children under their wing. It is hard to maintain non-child centredness while living isolated in a little box, with nothing but your nuclear family. I think that the move away from tribal living (aka, how humans evolved for a million years) is a big issue in our society. Intergenerational homes are way more like tribes, and hence have children who are better able to engage in an appropriate manner - so I think anyways.

I WHOLEY feel that

This has been just about the only thing on my mind all week! It is eating me up! DH is away on his third business trip of DS' life (he's 2.5) but the first one that DS and I have stayed home. So DS has been sick the whole week and we have stayed home so as not to get others sick for Christmas. The whole week has been DS, me, the cat. Period. DS is screen-free, so not even the artificial community of TV/videos. DS has become a fussy, clingy, demanding mess. Some of this is being sick, some of it is missing Daddy, but a lot of it is being so isolated. It made me really see (though I already thought about this) how really unnaturally isolated our post-modern lives have become. With other kids around (of all different ages) DS would just mix in and become a part of the whole. With other adults around he'd have more expectations put on him (or rather expectations from more people), and I believe children, for the most part, live up to expectations (well, expectations that are a given, just part of the lifestyle/family/tribe).

So if my DS is not getting what he needs (evolutionarily speaking) in terms of community, what do I do? DH says more play dates, and I say that's not even close to the same thing. Playdates are a break from our life, not a natural part of it--meaning we drive somewhere, have greetings, feel like guests, mommies sit and talk while kids play, then we intervene when there are problems, and there are two age groups usually--30s and under 6. It feels nothing like holidays with the extended family when DS disappears with the various-aged kids (4-15) and the adults cook, talk, etc. Living with extended family is not a reasonable option for us. I've even considered TV (and we're really anti-TV for littles) for something even artificially like community, but that's even worse than playdates in terms of approximating community/tribe. So do I start "workdates" where we all get together to clean each others' houses together and cook a weeks' meals, alternating houses, AND do it several times a week!?!?! Is anyone really going to go for that? And are there going to be kids of all ages and grandparents? Not likely.

I see no answer short of leaving it all behind and finding a commune/intentional community/tribe, which DH would never go for. Having a lot of kids would do something, but its still not multi-generational with non-nuclear family, AND it only helps once you're on kid # 4 or so (I would venture), AND personally a large family is just not in the cards for me.

So don't you all think that while CC ideas are great and we should try to fit them to our modern lives as best we can, that perhaps its like trying to sell new siding to a homeless person? Was that analogy clear? If not, I mean that we take away the framework for CC (tribal/communal living) and then try to add all the individual elements of such a lifestyle to a post-modern isolated life? Should we be adapting CC to this lifestyle? Should I play with my son more than I have been (trying to be so CC) because if not me, who?

I'm going mad with these thoughts!

Anyone? Perspective, please
 
#147 ·
Great thread!

I do not think we are too child-centered...and we often stand out as the strict parents because of it.

I think it is incredibly important to teach kids that they are not the center of the world, that their needs sometimes need to wait, that they need to share, cooperate, be good citizens, etc. Even if it seems harsh at times, once they are adults, they will need to have those skills to be contributing members of society.

Our kids are very loved and smile and laugh all the time. In fact, we've had so many people comment that our kids just seem happy. I think it's because they know the rules, know "their place" (as awful as that sounds....it's not like their place is in the gutter!) and tend to go with the flow.

We give them a lot of love, a lot of attention. But when we finish dinner and they are running around, asking to sit in our laps, eat off our plates, etc. we firmly say "No, this is Mommy and Daddy's time to talk. You go play by yourselves." We demand adult time, space to talk with each other, time alone. I think those boundaries make kids feel safe...and loved.

I have a friend who gets down on one knee to talk to her son (4 yo) every time he asks a question or has a need. Even if we are in the middle of a conversation. And I've noticed her son is rather rude and demanding (he is buddies with my 4 yo son). When he is at our house, he thinks he can yell "I want juice!!!" and I will oblige.
 
#148 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Holiztic View Post
...
I see no answer short of leaving it all behind and finding a commune/intentional community/tribe, which DH would never go for. Having a lot of kids would do something, but its still not multi-generational with non-nuclear family, AND it only helps once you're on kid # 4 or so (I would venture), AND personally a large family is just not in the cards for me.

...

I'm going mad with these thoughts!

Anyone? Perspective, please

Honestly--you are going to want to stick a fork in my eye, but what you need is just ONE REAL FRIEND. One friend with like values whom you trust enough to just hang out with and spend time together, and maybe sometimes leave your own child with, and they leave theirs with you some times...where you can all learn to "socialize" and get along and teach each other...we became close with neighbors across the way a few years ago and it has change my life and given me that village that you're talking about. Friends that are close enough that you don't have to call before you go over their house, kwim?

I know it's hard to make that one friend, but don't give up trying.
 
#150 ·
I think we are child centered when the kids are younger, and move towards being family centered as we move out of the toddler years. We have an 8 yr old, 5, yr old and 2 yr old and I see us as more family oriented. We try to meet the individuals needs and the needs of the family- the adults and children.
I would say we are child lead in some ways- we homeschool and the children plan most of their own day/learning but not to exclusion of my needs or their sibs.
 
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