"she's too young to remember, so why bother?" - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 48 Old 12-04-2009, 09:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sisteeesmama View Post
My dd is 2 and a very verbal, aware 2 at that, yet I am still getting the "she-is-too-young-to-remember" excuses from my family. I think it's so sad.
I think that's sad, too. She may not remember a few years (or even a few weeks!) down the road, but she'd be happy to get the call or gift or whatever, and glad it came from grandma or whomever.

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Like a pp said it's about the experience, we have no guarantees in life, heck, I don't remember a lot of things we did when I was a child. And my mom thinks it was a ll a waste of time since I don't remember it.
WHAT???? That's crazy! I don't remember everything we did as kids, but I do remember spending a ton of time with my parents, and that we did stuff. I might not remember if a particular outing was at Stanley Park or a local playground...but I remember going to playgrounds and parks and having picnics sitting on driftwood on the beach. I know we went to the local amusement park several times - the trips have blended into the times I went in my teens with friends, in my early 20s with my ex, in my late 20s and 30s with my kids, but that doesn't make it a "waste" that my parents took me!

I'm sorry, OP. That really sucks.

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#32 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 02:07 AM
 
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I think a lot depends on the motivation behind the decision not to do something.

For instance, I am not putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm just not into it... our baby-proofed living space feels too crowded already, and most importantly..... I'm worried about the safety issues of keeping DS away from it. We've decorated other parts of the house and outside for the holidays, but putting up the tree? DH is fine with this and couldn't care less. The fact that DS won't know the difference anyway is a benefit, but not the primary reason for the decision.


Now, not doing something just because you're lazy or uninterested or can't be bothered, but only saying it's because "they're too young to know better?" And have that decision to be lazy hurt someone's feelings? That sucks.

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#33 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 02:38 AM
 
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I don't know - I've seen a lot of people going WAAAAY overboard for first birthdays, first holidays, whatever. Which is fine if you recognize you are doing more for the adults than the child. Does the child get something out of the experience - yes, but they do whether you go hog wild or do something small.

Frankly I was surprised how many people called on ds' first birthday.

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#34 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 02:57 AM
 
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i totally agree that the gifts for 1 year olds are really "family" gifts -- gifts to the parents, who then don't have to buy those things.

but i haven't seen anybody post this thought yet: we do these things (buying gifts for 1 year old neices, nephews, grandchildren, etc.) *because we want to*! honestly, it makes *me* feel good to have a present for the little ones.

OP: your family apparently doesn't get good feelings just for doing it, which is kinda sad. good for you, though, that you aren't like that.

if i were you, i would work on accepting your family for who they are, and then just move forward with your own life of experiencing joy at doing things for the little ones.

ps: and this argument that only older people remember the exact gift... come on, how many of us *adults* recall the exact gift you received from so and so last year, nevermind five years ago.

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#35 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 03:23 AM
 
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One of DS's favorite activities is watching videos of his first b-day and his second b-day (I forgot to take the camera to his third b-day .)

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#36 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 12:09 PM
 
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Bah. Lost my reply. Anywho... I get the logic in waiting for disney/six flags/etc - theres really no point in going when their less than 2 or 3, IMO as they can't do much. We took DS1 to a waterpark this summer and he had a lil fun, but mostly was just too little to really 'get' it and not be scared. We did take him to multiple local fairs (our county, the next county over's and a street fair down in columbus w/ mil) this summer though as he LOVED their little rides, but I don't think it'd ahve been worth it taking him to six flags and paying for that, yet (he got into the local fairs free, so we just had to pay for his wrist band). Maybe next year

But not bothering to even call on bdays, starting around 2 or so would bother me. I'm pretty sure my family called on his 1st bday too and that was cool. And certainly, things change as older siblings remember more (ie, I'll be making sure that DS2 has *something* for this xmas/first bday (sophie the giraffe - thanks mothering and a stuffed hedgehog from khols) just so DS1 remembers it for him.
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#37 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 12:28 PM
 
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Okay, most people here are talking about not doing something for your kids till their older because they won't appreciate it yet, which is completely different from not doing something because they "won't remember it." The latter philosophy makes absolutely no sense to me. Does the present (as in now, not as in gifts) not count for anything?? For one thing, the kids will have fun now, even if they don't remember it, and it also helps to shape who they are, as PP said. I really can't believe anyone would think that the kids present experience means nothing, it sounds like just an excuse to me.

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#38 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 01:49 PM
 
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I have used the "she won't remember" excuse when it comes to expensive things but I'm probably just cheap.

At this age (DD is 2), it's about the little things for us. The local community zoo that costs $2/person rather than the state zoo that costs $15/person. I wouldn't do something like Disney until she was old enough to want to go.

As for relatives acknowledging birthdays with calls or gifts... I wouldn't be upset if they didn't, but I've never made a big deal about holidays. I could see that if holidays were important in your family it might be a bigger deal.

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#39 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 05:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Belia View Post
I think a lot depends on the motivation behind the decision not to do something.

For instance, I am not putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm just not into it... our baby-proofed living space feels too crowded already, and most importantly..... I'm worried about the safety issues of keeping DS away from it. We've decorated other parts of the house and outside for the holidays, but putting up the tree? DH is fine with this and couldn't care less. The fact that DS won't know the difference anyway is a benefit, but not the primary reason for the decision.


Now, not doing something just because you're lazy or uninterested or can't be bothered, but only saying it's because "they're too young to know better?" And have that decision to be lazy hurt someone's feelings? That sucks.
Even though I really get into decorating.. I totally understand this. Having a tree with VERY young ones is hard. We still use a three foot table top one in a corner for the same reason.
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#40 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 05:25 PM
 
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This is a common argument in my family when certain members are wanting to avoid anything from calling on a birthday to gifting for Christmas to going to Disney World.

How do you feel about this argument and o you use it to avoid doing certain things with your kids?
Well, I don't expect my family members to call my children on their birthdays, regardless of age.

Gifts are gifts, I'm grateful for what we get. I do expect that DS gets gifts from certain family members because that is our pattern (grandparents on one side and my sister), but not from others (grandparents on the other side and my brother). I might be surprised if he didn't get one from the people who normally get him something, but I wouldn't be hurt or upset about it.

I think it's really a question of expectations. Why do you have these expectations of your family? Although my world revolves around my children, I don't expect that to be true of anyone else, including the grandparents.

The Disney thing is a separate issue to me. Personally, I won't take DS to Disney World until he's old enough to enjoy it in the moment, as a PP said. Whether he will remember it or not, who knows. I don't really see the point of taking a 6 month old or even a 1 yo. But that is because I don't have a personal desire to go for myself and it's an expensive vacation. So, I'd rather do something I'd enjoy (like the beach) and that a baby would enjoy as well.
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#41 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 05:27 PM
 
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Even if a child may not remember what you did for them or with them when they are babies, or even 2, those experiences go into shaping who that child is. Early experiences shape the actual physical development of the brain, so that an enriched babyhood, with chances for baby to interact with people, see the world, build relationships, and have experiences, really does become a part of who the child is. Even if they don't retain much conscious memory of those events in the long-term, those experiences stay with them for the rest of their lives in their sense of love and emotional security, and in their long-term cognitive development.

That said, I don't buy more than one or two token gifts for my kids until they're around 18 months, for a holiday or a birthday, and I do think that experiences like Disney are best left until the child is older. I can totally understand wanting to forgo the Christmas tree, for instance, while baby is too young. Many of those experiences like big parties and trips wind up being more stressful for babies than enriching. So I can understand that. But relatives and friends begin having relationships with children when the children are born, not when the children are 3 or 4, and I expect people who expect to have a relationship with my kids to act accordingly.

So OP, I think those people are way off-base.

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#42 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 08:59 PM
 
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I'll top that with another.

How 'bout, "She too OLD to remember, so why bother?"

That's how my siblings feel about gifting our 89 year old, storke-affected Mom. Her stroke(s) hit in the memory section of her brain, resulting in about a 10 minute memory span.

So, gifts, if sent, are things she doesn't need or use. For example, my sister sent her some awful-looking kitchen towels for her birthday last year. Mom lives in an assisted living residence and has no kitchen or cooking area (sister knows this).

My brother has had Jackson & Perkins send the same gift (an amaryllis bulb in a tacky porcelain container), automatically, for years (despite my repeated requests that he change his gifting to books). She either overwaters the planter (making a mess for housekeeping to deal with) or gives it away to another resident or aide.

This past Fall, when I sent a reminder to them about what would be good gift ideas (books -with suggested subjects matter, a magazine subscription - again, with suggestions, a framed photograph, sweatshirts or washable sweaters), they both replied, "It's our choice as to what we give Mom so, since apparently what we send is no good, why don't we just skip the gifts anymore. She doesn't remember them anyhow."

My sister will send her a birthday card and that's it. My brother doesn't even do that much. They live far away and never visit her.

So, because I care about Mom, I'll be buying her things and labeling them saying they are from my siblings. No, maybe she doesn't remember what, if anything, her two other children send her - or, don't. But, what if she does realize they haven't sent her any kind of remembrance of the holiday season? I refuse to take the chance that she'll feel any hurt because of their thoughtlessness.
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#43 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 09:03 PM
 
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I think that no matter what the person might remember or appreciate, celebrations should be had, trips should be taken, etc etc.

BUT, specific to disney...if the *parents* do not want to go, they shouldn't take a *baby* for a once in a lifetime trip. Take that trip later on. Of course, if more kids come before that trip...more trips might need to be taken, so the oldest doesn't have to wait until s/he's 20!

But if the parents WANT to go, then go! Just don't call it a once in a lifetime trip.

I didn't realize i was going to love Disneyland so much as an adult, so it took us until DS was 17 months to go...it was on a visit to my brother. One-day DL visit. Then again the year later. And then...many many times in the next 2+ years. We'll be going to WDW in about a year, even if a newbie kidlet appears in our lives; it won't be a once in a lifetime trip, we enjoy disney! We also enjoy camping and Portland, but disney is definitely a super-fun place for us.


That said...presents and phone calls to a baby...doesn't matter if it's important to us as parents, b/c it didn't, and wasn't going to, happen. The only parents still left just don't htink about such things. My dad called me on my 40th birthday this year, as we exited the Pooh ride at Disneyland where we went for MY birthday, and he was alllll excited because he finally remembered my birthdate. 40th. First time (not really, he used to remember until literally my 21st birthday when he called, but not b/c it was my b'day). And I'm the first kid!

So it wasn't going to happen, and all the years of knowing that helped me not be disappointed when it didn't.

But he doesn't give an excuse of DS being too little...he knows he's a flake. And I knew better than to tell DS his granddad was planning on coming up last summer...he still hasn't managed to swing by yet!

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For instance, I am not putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm just not into it... our baby-proofed living space feels too crowded already, and most importantly..... I'm worried about the safety issues of keeping DS away from it. We've decorated other parts of the house and outside for the holidays, but putting up the tree? DH is fine with this and couldn't care less.
FWIW, for DS's second Yuletime (first Yule we could block off the tree and he couldn't drag the boxes away) we put the tree in a back room and put baby doorknob lock thing on the knob. I'm so glad we did b/c he looked so cute that day and I have the pictures to prove it!
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#44 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 09:21 PM
 
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This past Fall, when I sent a reminder to them about what would be good gift ideas (books -with suggested subjects matter, a magazine subscription - again, with suggestions, a framed photograph, sweatshirts or washable sweaters), they both replied, "It's our choice as to what we give Mom so, since apparently what we send is no good, why don't we just skip the gifts anymore. She doesn't remember them anyhow."
I want to say this as gently as possible.. but... my mother was like this. She would in her mind suggest things to her siblings regarding their mother... but my aunts and uncles thought my mother was trying to boss them around and control everything that had to with my grandmother. My mother is resentful because in her mind she had to do everything in regards to the last years of my grandmothers life, however everyone else sees it as getting out of her way becuase nothing they did was good enough so it was easier to just let her do everything her way.

I am sure this is not at all what you intend.. but my family is the first thing that came to mind when I read your post.
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#45 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 09:31 PM
 
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I'll top that with another.

How 'bout, "She too OLD to remember, so why bother?"

That's how my siblings feel about gifting our 89 year old, storke-affected Mom. Her stroke(s) hit in the memory section of her brain, resulting in about a 10 minute memory span.
Exactly. That's what I said about my grandmother (Alzheimer's). Memory has nothing to do with how you treat people. You don't treat someone like crap just because they don't have a good memory, whether it's from old age, youth, whatever.

Now, I can understand not taking a baby to DisneyWorld, or what-not, if they won't be able to ENJOY it because they are too young. Same with presents, for some-- if we're talking about a three-month-old at Christmas, they really don't have the capacity at that point to enjoy Christmas presents, so it's not a big deal to them.

But there's a difference between not doing something because it's not a big deal / not age-appropriate / they won't enjoy it... and then not doing something because they won't remember that you were mean to them or forgot them or didn't make an effort for them.

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#46 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 09:32 PM
 
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want to say this as gently as possible.. but... my mother was like this. She would in her mind suggest things to her siblings regarding their mother... but my aunts and uncles thought my mother was trying to boss them around and control everything that had to with my grandmother. My mother is resentful because in her mind she had to do everything in regards to the last years of my grandmothers life, however everyone else sees it as getting out of her way becuase nothing they did was good enough so it was easier to just let her do everything her way.

I am sure this is not at all what you intend.. but my family is the first thing that came to mind when I read your post.
Hey, it's okay, I totally understand the sound of your post!

But, in my family, it is just the way I said it.

They didn't show up until 3 weeks after my Mom had her first stroke becuae they had to arrange their work schedules (he owns his own multi-$$$ business and she is a vet's assistant). They haven't called me in over a year to see how Mom is really doing. They were annoyed when I called them last November to tell them that our Dad had been buried that day (they both said I should have waited until evening as I had interrupted them at work). Geez, sorry I just thought you'd like to know about Dad. When they found out they would have to pay for shipping of things they wanted from Dad's house, after he died, they suddenly lost interest in having those things they had, previously, so treasured.

Am I resentful? Damned straight I am. Our elderly parents haven't impacted their lives one little bit. I do what I do because I love my Mom and late Dad. I am the one closest, geographically, so I didn't mind, it is totally understandable. But, with not so much as a thought for anyone but themselves? Yeah, resentful is the perfect description of how I feel about them.

I'm not trying to boss anyone, I'm trying to save them some money, and assure them that there ARE gifts that would be appreciated by Mom and USED by her.
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#47 of 48 Old 12-05-2009, 09:38 PM
 
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They didn't show up at their own fathers funeral? (assuming they were raised by him and he wasn't a dead beat (like mine.) ) How awful.. s
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#48 of 48 Old 12-06-2009, 01:46 AM
 
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They didn't show up at their own fathers funeral? (assuming they were raised by him and he wasn't a dead beat (like mine.)
There was no funeral (we don't "do" funerals in our family), but there was a burial. They said it was too soon to bury him and wanted us (Mom & I) to wait another week. Dad wasn't embalmed and the funeral home said we needed to get things going. He was buried one week after he died. They've not said one word about visiting Mom since then.

Dad was an excellent step-father to both of them, only there was no "step" anything in our family. He adopted them (they were age 12 & 10) upon marrying Mom and gave them everything they needed. He paid for their college (including money so they didn't have to work while attending university). They never wanted for anything and he never played favorites, his own bio children versus either of them, we were all treated equally.

They haven't shown either of our parents the same courtesy as adults. I would hope their own children (my neices & nephews) are aware of this, but they, too, have no time for their grandparents. I wonder if they'll treat their parents the same way................

Ah, well, I know, when the time comes and my Mom has died, I will sleep well, knowing I have done all that I could for two really good parents. My siblings will not be able to say the same (and, I hope their sleep will be delayed with thoughts of what their old age could be like).
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