s/o parent expectations: NOW what do you say to ttc-er's? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-13-2009, 04:52 AM
 
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Violet. I'm still so tired, will I ever get some rest? DS#1 is already 15...
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Old 12-13-2009, 04:01 PM
 
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Violet. I'm still so tired, will I ever get some rest? DS#1 is already 15...
Lalalalalalala I can't hear you. Where's the smilie with their fingers in their ears?

I don't wanna know that I will be tired for the next 2 decades.

I know for sure we get busier as they get older. More and more stuff to do.

V

Happy Momma to DD (almost 3) Fall Coleslaw -- Simple Italian Stuffed Peppers -- - Fall Toddler Activities.- We Made a Play Kitchen Selling gently used books on all topics here.
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Old 12-14-2009, 06:11 AM
 
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How often do people ask? Seriously. I have seen a few folks ask on here, mostly laying out their expectations about one thing or another and then asking if their expectations are realistic...

but IRL ("in real life" for those asking about abbreviations), the folks I know who are pregnant (and sometimes the folks who are TTC) are already getting a ton of unsolicited advice and don't feel the need to collect more opinions. I've noticed that the majority of parents-to-be also have tons of their own opinions about things, and are already sure that things will go this-way-or-that-way if they do this-thing-or-that-thing.

I think that's the biggest thing that parents-to-be do that is unrealistic. They'll acknowledge that perfect parenting, etc. isn't possible, but then they'll go on and list a bunch of things that they are going to do with their kid. And that's not a bad thing...it's good to have thought things through. But the biggest reality check that happens is when you can't do everything you set out to do with your kid, or be the exact parent you set out to be, and then--and only then--are you able to really process what that is like and the grief, guilt, or feelings of failure that sometimes comes with it. Of course on the flip side, there is also the elation of finding what is positive but unexpected.

I just don't hear ttcers and pregnant folks asking all that much. I mean, I have a friend who asked me a lot of specific questions while pregnant, but I think for her she wasn't asking for a "reality check" as much as for very specific advice on particular preparations. If I would have taken that opportunity to dose her up with reality checks, I think she would have stopped asking.

I don't think you can rush the process of transitioning into the realities of parenthood. Everyone is going to have their own process, and folks aren't usually able to fully *hear* certain things at certain points in the process. I try to be honest about the specific things people ask about, and also helpful in terms of specific advice. When ttcers and pregnant folks are talking about their various expectations, I never "correct." That's part of the process. I nod, smile, and provide a listening ear, and every now-and-then throw in a story of my own parenthood or two for balance but not as a direct contrast to what they are saying.

And then I wait for the day to come when they are "in the trenches" and need my support, which often times is in matters unexpected/unanticipated by me.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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Old 12-14-2009, 01:07 PM
 
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I definitely remind them that it goes so quickly! so enjoy each moment (even the crazy ones).

I don't say things that were said to me like, "sleep now while you can" -- b/c 1) often times pregnant women have a hard time sleeping at the end of pregnancy anway, and 2) my babies, while they nursed frequently at night, I was never lacking sleep like people assumed. I quickly learned to nurse while going back to sleep (plus my first baby slept through the night at 10 weeks -- not so much the next 3, but I was never up with a screaming baby for hrs at night).
Those blanket generalizations drove me absolutely nuts. For the back half of my pregnancy, I was sleeping about 3 miserable, restles hours most nights. After birth, it was heaven. The sleeping between nursing was bliss, pure bliss and I felt 100x better then when pregnant.

I don't offer advice because 98% of the advice heaped on us was rather negative and not welcome or requested.

Why is it people seem to want your experiences to be as miserable as theirs was? Or maybe it is a reflection of the type of people I know?

So many people predicted doom and gloom because we were married for more than 10 years prior to DS. Like his arrival was going to shatter our world.

The reality was the first year or so of DS's life was the best ever for both DH and I. It was like a dream. I think back about how we would take walks and DS would be strapped to DH. (DH was a baby-wearing fool, he loved to wear DS)

I talk honestly about how BF was such a challenge in the beginning and how I wished that I would have had a better support system in place for those first few days. And how absolutely wonderful it was once we got going.

And this...

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I tell the truth, which is that it has been so much more fun than I expected/imagined!

I think I was prepared for it to be hard - and it is - but not *harder* than I expected, and it *is* more fun/rewarding than I could have had the capacity to imagine.

Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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Old 12-14-2009, 07:28 PM
 
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My standard answer...and the truth...is just a general comment about how motherhood is both much more wonderful AND much harder than I ever expected.

If someone asks specific questions, and I get a strong vibe that they want to have a more in-depth conversation about certain aspects of birth/parenting, etc., then I will give more detailed answers. I try to be honest and realistic, and therefore I try hard to not paint either a glowing picture or a horrific one.

Mama to DS (5)

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Old 12-14-2009, 10:09 PM
 
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Those blanket generalizations drove me absolutely nuts. For the back half of my pregnancy, I was sleeping about 3 miserable, restles hours most nights. After birth, it was heaven. The sleeping between nursing was bliss, pure bliss and I felt 100x better then when pregnant.
Right on. I was SO HAPPY not to be pregnant anymore. SO HAPPY. And postpartum sleep was, as you say, bliss.

Someone had told me that having an infant was worse in terms of sleep deprivation than 30-hour shifts at the hospital. But it was so not. Not not not, not even close.

Me, DH, DD1 (5/2009) and DD2 (10/2011).
I'm not crunchy. I'm evidence-based.

Vaccines save lives.

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