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Christmas gifts that are continually not ideal, and general etiquette

7K views 121 replies 51 participants last post by  Kuba'sMama 
#1 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by eclipse View Post
A one off off the mark gift is one thing, but a continuous pattern is another - especially when you don't have a huge number of criteria. I have no idea what the OP's criteria are - but mine are just age appropriate, not loud, not a gun, and not inappropriately sized for our space.
Edited: My criteria are basically those posted above. Thanks to the poster!


I would love to gather other parents' perspectives about etiquette and your strategies for dealing with inlaws who have a continuous pattern of giving less than ideal gifts (edited to add that these were toys that were choking hazards, and age inappropriate, among other problems), year after year.

Here is more specifically what I am talking about. I think they must like to buy large plastic ride-on size trucks because we have gotten them in great quantity. I think at one time we had 7 of them. My inlaws did once check with us prior to buying this bells and whistles version that cost several hundred dollars. We said no thank you on that one.

We don't need, have the space for, and, yes, don't have the desire to own or keep that many large plastic trucks that are loud, battery operated, fairly passive, close ended play.
Seven and growing as a collection? Would anyone still seriously question why I would donate?

I have talked to them about the toys we buy and why, DH talked to them to explain what would be good ideas when they asked for a birthday one year.

That didn't seem to do the trick. We do not feel entitled to anything we just don't want the clutter (one) nor the toys that do not meet our values (two) for our child to play with and (three) don't want to be asked where the toys are when they are donated.

I have sent them a list for that birthday when they asked, with price ranges from $5 upwards, and with lots of choices so they could still pick and choose. I have also shown them pictures, and signed them up for catalogs with selection that would work well.

And still they don't listen.

In the past, we have praised any good selections (rare) that they bought from the list (also rare) but we wanted to try to reinforce things in a positive way.

For a couple of years now, we have accepted the toys that weren't appropriate without saying anything and then donated them. But, while it's worthy to donate to charity, that seems kind of like I'm wasting their money year after year, after a while anyway, and I would like my child to have some gifts that are kept some of the time.

But this year, we decided that the inappropriate and less than ideal (choking hazard, too many pieces, battery operated, too big) gifts could be "grandpa and grandma's house toys" that would remain at grandpa and grandma's house.

I was not present for the conversation, which I left up to DH since it is his parents, but apparently they were quite offended and basically said they wouldn't be buying toys anymore. No one told them the gifts were not good enough or anything like that, just that they would be better suited to be played with at the grandparents' house and that they wouldn't work for our house.

What would you all do? Has someone been in a similar situation? I've seen similar threads and am off to read them. Thanks!
 
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#53 ·
I'm just lurking here... I don't have kids yet, but am TTC.

I would just like to add that sometimes people buy stuff for other people that is really for themselves. They give it because they like to give gifts and it makes them feel like a good person.

I deal with this constantly from a certain family member. She often gives DH and I gifts - in fact, every time she sees us we get gifts. 99% of these gifts end up as clutter.

I don't think anyone is obligated to keep a gift just because it was a gift. There is nothing wrong with thanking the person and then donating it later.
 
#54 ·
A few years ago DH's office teamed up with a local charity to provide toys for some needy kids one Christmas. The kids all wrote letters to Santa with their requests. The one we got was from an 7 or 8 yo who wanted a scooter. I wanted to get the child what she wanted, but I knew that some children are not going to use a scooter safely (depends on personality, coordination, etc.) It just wasn't something I felt comfortable getting for a child that age without asking her parents. So I called the charity, and asked them if it was possible for them to contact the parents and ask if it was OK for the child. They did contact the parents, who said she was not the kind of kid to do dangerous stuff like ride it in the street. So, I went ahead and got a scooter.

A few years later I ran into a nice bargain on some finger skateboard thing. They looked like the kind of thing a typical 11 yo boy would like, so I picked them up for my 11 yo nephew. After asking my sister if she thought DN would like them, she felt that b/c of the way they designed with tiny interchangeable parts, he would be frustrated do to his poor fine motor skills. So, I sent it off to a toys for tots bin. I'm sure some 10 to 14 yo boy who happened to have normal or good fine motor skills really loved getting it.

The thing about some toys is they are fine and wonderful toys for one child and horrible mistakes for another. The scooter we were asked to donate could be a great gift for most children, but for others a death sentence. My nephew also received a scooter as a present from my sisters ILs that Christmas (it was the year they were big) and he ended up in the ER the first time he tried to use it. If anyone had gone to the simple trouble of asking his mom if it was OK, she would have said "no DN is pretty uncoordinated, and we don't have a safe place for him to ride it." The gift itself is fine and great, but not right for all kids.

Had I kept the finger skateboard thing and insisted in giving it to DN, then insisted that he use it before it got donated, it would then have been a used toy probably missing parts. Why would that be a better donation than the same toy brand new in an unopened box? So, I say if you're going to be donating something b/c it's wrong for your DC, doing it before your DC messes it up is preferable.

My long way of saying: I do not think donating gifts before they are used by the recipient is rude. I think parents have every right to say a toy isn't right for their child (and it's better if that can happen before the kid sees the gift and ends up disappointed that mom won't let them use it or in the ER if mom gives in b/c the kids really wants it.)
 
#55 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
I see your points, and I am going to assume you mean all this with the most kindness and understanding.



One, I don't hand them wish lists, which maybe is part of the problem, so I'm told. One year out of several, I sent them a list that DH and I came up with together with many different price points and descriptions. It was not proscriptive. It was suggestive. It started at a price point of $5.

The thing is they are spending way more than $60 (probably double that) on a bunch of flashy battery toys that we will not use, nor replace the batteries for. That is not how we do things in our household. I'm not asking for Montessori or Waldorf, specifically, although those themes would be fine.

I suggested mainly books.
What is wrong with that? If they are going to plunk down that much cash every year for Christmas why wouldn't they want something that we will use and keep?


And what is wrong with donating and finding a good home for something we won't use or use very much? I don't think this is wrong at all. There are children out there whose only source of toys is a thrift store or donations. If it's an unused, new in the box toy, think of the joy that child may have this Christmas. That might be the only new toy he or she receives this year. It might make some parent very happy to find something they can have Santa bring. Have you seen the toy selection at most thrift stores? It's usually a bunch of old stuffed animals and games with missing pieces. Yes, I will continue to donate our toys when we don't use them much anymore and toys we won't use much from the beginning. It's a good end use, as far as I'm concerned.


If they asked for suggestions, nothing. If they didn't, everything. It assumes that what they would have given isn't good enough for you - and obviously it wasn't. And it also emphasises how materialistic Christmas has become.
 
#56 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by KimberlyD0 View Post
I'll take all these unwanted, not good enough gifts everyone keeps complaining about.


Its so frustrating as a mom who is trying EVERYTHING to give her kids what she can and knowing I can't. My kids got 2 gifts each for Christmas this year. Saddly not from us. DH lost his job, and my dad has terminal Cancer, so no gifts there either.

Without the good will of a mystery angel my kids would have got nothing for Christmas. Both the gifts they got were second hand and guess what. No one here cared. We woke up Chritmas morning ready to celebrate Jesus and God and at our door was a package from a mystery angel. I suspect its one of my neibores who is also struggleing.

Rather then being all entitled and high and mighty, think of other families like mine. Where anything would be welcome. People need to learn to be greatful and not greedy.


I see how you feel, and I sympathize, and I see how your comments come from that.

I am not high and mighty or feel entitled. I come from a very poor background (one of my parents is homeless to this day - homeless in the worst sense, chronically and the other parent close to) so as you can imagine I never had a Christmas in a traditional sense. And my own parents can't afford decent food so they are not able to give my child presents of any kind. So, I do not feel entitled or greedy.

My inlaws do have the means to give presents, and do. They do not spend holidays with my child, which is an issue, and there has been some unfairness in some other things about how they treat certain grandchildren.

I don't expect anything other than fairness amongst the grandchildren, and that they do not expect us to take the gifts they give and use them no matter what.

Honestly, I would rather my child not have those type of things, even if it means no Christmas gifts from them. I don't want the clutter, the noise, the batteries we need to change, the safety hazard, etc. They bought age inappropriate things that were choking hazards. Our child has sensory issues and I've explained that over and over and over again. They don't get the choking thing or the over stimulation thing.

So, we just donate the toys usually that aren't right for us because maybe they will be right for someone and I don't want them in a landfill.

But DH's parents are spending the money so wouldn't it make sense for them to buy something that is useful and needed? It's not like all our needs are met so why not try to optimize, you know? As I said, our child has sensory issues and I haven't purchased all the things recommended by the OT due to money. Why not, if they're going to buy something and spend the same amount of money, buy something the OT could be beneficial?

Or another thing I recommended was books! You can't go wrong with books! So, no, I definitely was not greedy nor feeling entitled.

 
#57 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by KirstenMary View Post
If they asked for suggestions, nothing. If they didn't, everything. It assumes that what they would have given isn't good enough for you - and obviously it wasn't. And it also emphasises how materialistic Christmas has become.

Well, I think they did ask about birthday presents one year and that is when I made the suggestions. So, no, technically it wasn't a Christmas list.

Also, my inlaws do not spend Christmas with us, so this is their "Christmas" - the giving of the gifts during a short visit. They are not interested in spending Christmas unless it has all the Christmas things - the tree, the big meal, the lights, that stuff and I don't do those things because I don't believe in all those things and so they don't want to spend Christmas with us and never have.

I just don't want material junk for the sake of Christmas. Like I said, I'd rather them not give the presents if that is what they are going to do year after year.

It's too bad they can't look at our toys in our home and take a cue. But they probably are - they are making a statement against our values, I think, in some ways. I know they don't agree with many things we (I) choose for our child so probably buying the big noisy trucks is their way of sharing their values with their grandchild (?).

 
#58 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by KimberlyD0 View Post
Also if this stuff is trully that bad, why would it be ok for families like mine just because we're poor. Sure we need second hand toys and clothing, but that doesn't mean we need crap either.


I would never say it's not good enough for my family but it's good enough for a poor family.

No way!

But, it might be of use to someone, possibly, or be something they can give for Christmas to their own children if they have fallen on hard times. And it's better to donate than to stuff in a landfill.

What's "crap" to me is based on my values, right? Another family (heck, my inlaws!) have different values. It might not be crap to them right?

My DH grew up playing with some toys that are OK for us. He grew up using other toys I would never use now - toy guns, candy cigarettes, things like that.

To each their own. It doesn't mean I think the poor deserve less. They don't. Most of my belongings as a child were second hand or thrifted or from charity. There is a real need for donations.
 
#59 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
My inlaws do have the means to give presents, and do. They do not spend holidays with my child, which is an issue, and there has been some unfairness in some other things about how they treat certain grandchildren.

I don't expect anything other than fairness amongst the grandchildren, and that they do not expect us to take the gifts they give and use them no matter what.
Here's the real problem. You think your ILs favor their other grandchildren. It's not about the toys, but you've made it about that. I see that pattern here - that posters who complain about gifts really are complaining about something else. Gifts are easier because they're tangible, but I'll bet that if you had a great relationship with your ILs, you'd overlook a few toys that required batteries.

No, they don't have to treat all of their grandchildren the same. There's no requirement for that, and unfortunately it's their relationship with you and your DH that has the greatest bearing on their relationship with your children. I would assume they won't even be doing the gift drop-off from now on. I don't understand, though, what you want from them. You said you don't "believe in all that" - meaning Christmas trees, big meals, Christmas in general (I'm not sure), but you're upset because they don't want to spend the holiday with you. If they do celebrate Christmas in a more traditional way, why would they want to spend the day with someone who doesn't? Aren't you really leaving them the option of a) forgoing their idea of Christmas and b) dropping off gifts for your children during a short visit? I really don't see where they've been put in a great position here, and it seems you're upset by whatever they do (hence you being upset that they've now said they aren't going to buy toys after you sent them lists and catalogs and then complained about what they bought).
 
#60 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades View Post
Here's the real problem. You think your ILs favor their other grandchildren. It's not about the toys, but you've made it about that. I see that pattern here - that posters who complain about gifts really are complaining about something else.
Respectfully, I see your point, but you are wrong.

Case in point, last year, they purchased several gifts that were pretty decent and appropriate (not what I'd buy, but OK) and we kept them and used them. Still use them.

Most of the time they buy the same thing for birthdays and for Christmas. They buy big trucks that run on batteries are loud and are made of cheap materials. I'm talking big, like the ride-on ones, and just slightly smaller than that. At one point, I think we had 7. Yes, seven!!!!!! Seven large ride-on trucks that were cluttering the living room and underfoot everywhere.

Guess what they bought this year? Another large truck. Shouldn't that go to the grandparents house??

As someone else said, if toys aren't in line with your values (toy guns, etc) is it rude to not keep the gift?

Also, someone else mentioned gifts that are appropriate for one child but not safe for another kid.

My kid has major sensory issues and ADHD and issues with motor skills. We've had an OT and other specialists recommend certain types of toys and activities that would really benefit our child. I've passed this along to the grandparents, thinking maybe instead of buying a $60 to $100 large truck they could buy the $60 to $100 sensory therapy toy.
 
#61 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post


I see how you feel, and I sympathize, and I see how your comments come from that.

I am not high and mighty or feel entitled. I come from a very poor background (one of my parents is homeless to this day - homeless in the worst sense, chronically and the other parent close to) so as you can imagine I never had a Christmas in a traditional sense. And my own parents can't afford decent food so they are not able to give my child presents of any kind. So, I do not feel entitled or greedy.

My inlaws do have the means to give presents, and do. They do not spend holidays with my child, which is an issue, and there has been some unfairness in some other things about how they treat certain grandchildren.

I don't expect anything other than fairness amongst the grandchildren, and that they do not expect us to take the gifts they give and use them no matter what.

Honestly, I would rather my child not have those type of things, even if it means no Christmas gifts from them. I don't want the clutter, the noise, the batteries we need to change, the safety hazard, etc. They bought age inappropriate things that were choking hazards. Our child has sensory issues and I've explained that over and over and over again. They don't get the choking thing or the over stimulation thing.

So, we just donate the toys usually that aren't right for us because maybe they will be right for someone and I don't want them in a landfill.

But DH's parents are spending the money so wouldn't it make sense for them to buy something that is useful and needed? It's not like all our needs are met so why not try to optimize, you know? As I said, our child has sensory issues and I haven't purchased all the things recommended by the OT due to money. Why not, if they're going to buy something and spend the same amount of money, buy something the OT could be beneficial?

Or another thing I recommended was books! You can't go wrong with books! So, no, I definitely was not greedy nor feeling entitled.


I say this in the nicest way possible, but you sure do come across that way. When your dictating to others what they should spend, and what to get (on a 2 year old at that) its ungreatful sounding.

1) your 2 year old wont care or notice the difference in the amount spent
2) while plastic battery operated toys are a PITA they don't last forever. Least the batteries don't. I have all of DD#1's old battery operated toys, and they're still in great shape (we just don't change the batteries
) they're still loads of fun.
3) its YOUR issue not your MIL, not your DH and not your childs. YOURS so something that you persive (maybe rightly so maybe not) will influence your whole family dinamic.
4) Older children are a LOT harder to please, and even used, their gifts would cost an arm and a leg.
5) what ever happend to just being greatful??
6) the gifts are for your CHILD not you. Let your child play with them, if they really don't like them, then donate them, but don't restrict them because of YOUR hook ups. They'll just resent you (excepting being if its dangerous, or weapons, those I would agree with)
7) STOP KEEPING TRACK!!! your only hurting yourself.

I admit this Christmas is a first for me. We've never been rich. We've never gotten more gifts then a child can use. The kids have 1 grandparent. My Father, who usually gives a well thought out (if loud
) toy that the girls LOVE. But he has terminal cancer. As much as he wanted to he couldn't give the girls a gift this year. He did manage to come over for half an hour Christmas day, best gift I could ever have.

Usually the girls get a few gifts, almost always used. Why spend the money on things they're going to brake anyway. Or loose interest in.

Usually WE sponcer a family.

DH lost his job, and my dad is dieing. Christmas was not what it usually is. This year someone gave back and it really opened my eyes and made me all the more greatful. I will never again be angry about a gift I have gotten, or that the girls have gotten. I will always remember and be humbled by this experience.

So while people like youself are resenting these unwanted gifts, people like me would be greatful, even if its not perfict.
 
#62 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by TulsiLeaf View Post
It was a waste of my money. If I wanted to donate something to charity and spend my money that way, I would have.
Receiving gifts should be humbling and have a bit of gratefulness on the receivers part.
I think you are wasting your money if you buy a gift that doesn't get played with or used, but gets shoved to the back of a closet or shelf. If you can donate it and a child who really wants it or can use it will play with it, something valuable came out of the gift.

You absolutely cannot dictate to a person how they must act and feel about a gift anymore than you can demand or dictate a specific gift. I think you can smile, say thank you and be gracious about receiving it, but there should be no burden on a person to use a gift. At that point, it ceases to be a gift, ya' know.

I'm pretty lenient about any kind of gift my kids get. Some of them I like more than others. My children have had toy guns, Barbie or Bratz dolls, plastic balls that are oily and smell like gasoline (I'm OK with the fashion dolls and guns, but the gasoline balls and Polly Pockets drive me batty). They don't necessarily like all the toys they get, but they do play with them for the first day or so, and I don't make the toys off limits. When it is time for a rummage sale at church or to donate stuff to a charity, I may ask which toys they want to keep, and the ones they really don't like that much get donated--and sometimes they try to give away toys that I think are great, so I might put them in my closet.


Last year my sister gave my 5 year old a Glow-in-the-Dark slime making kit. It came with goggles, and warning signs all over it and said it was for children aged 10 and up. I hid it away in the basement for when she was older. My sister asked how she liked it, and I told her I put it away because it just wasn't appropriate for her right now, and she got kind of pissed. She said then my daughter wouldn't think that her aunt had given her anything, so I told her I'd tell her one of my presents was from her. I could totally see another person just giving the slime kit away and not worrying about keeping it around, but we seem to keep everything here, I know I'll do a big declutter when my kids are teens or something.

I don't think returning gifts is really that big a deal. That's why stores give gift receipts. Sometimes you just have no idea what someone will like, so I want them to return it and get something that really floats their boat.
 
#63 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by eepster View Post
A few years ago DH's office teamed up with a local charity to provide toys for some needy kids one Christmas. The kids all wrote letters to Santa with their requests. The one we got was from an 7 or 8 yo who wanted a scooter. I wanted to get the child what she wanted, but I knew that some children are not going to use a scooter safely (depends on personality, coordination, etc.) It just wasn't something I felt comfortable getting for a child that age without asking her parents. So I called the charity, and asked them if it was possible for them to contact the parents and ask if it was OK for the child. They did contact the parents, who said she was not the kind of kid to do dangerous stuff like ride it in the street. So, I went ahead and got a scooter.

A few years later I ran into a nice bargain on some finger skateboard thing. They looked like the kind of thing a typical 11 yo boy would like, so I picked them up for my 11 yo nephew. After asking my sister if she thought DN would like them, she felt that b/c of the way they designed with tiny interchangeable parts, he would be frustrated do to his poor fine motor skills. So, I sent it off to a toys for tots bin. I'm sure some 10 to 14 yo boy who happened to have normal or good fine motor skills really loved getting it.

The thing about some toys is they are fine and wonderful toys for one child and horrible mistakes for another. The scooter we were asked to donate could be a great gift for most children, but for others a death sentence. My nephew also received a scooter as a present from my sisters ILs that Christmas (it was the year they were big) and he ended up in the ER the first time he tried to use it. If anyone had gone to the simple trouble of asking his mom if it was OK, she would have said "no DN is pretty uncoordinated, and we don't have a safe place for him to ride it." The gift itself is fine and great, but not right for all kids.

Had I kept the finger skateboard thing and insisted in giving it to DN, then insisted that he use it before it got donated, it would then have been a used toy probably missing parts. Why would that be a better donation than the same toy brand new in an unopened box? So, I say if you're going to be donating something b/c it's wrong for your DC, doing it before your DC messes it up is preferable.

My long way of saying: I do not think donating gifts before they are used by the recipient is rude. I think parents have every right to say a toy isn't right for their child (and it's better if that can happen before the kid sees the gift and ends up disappointed that mom won't let them use it or in the ER if mom gives in b/c the kids really wants it.)
This is a great post, because it really talks about how gift giving should be done. It really is about thinking about what's right for the person (and those they live with), not about buying what you think they should want.

It's also really cruel, I think, to give a gift to a child that you know their parents won't or can't let them play with - and it's not a gift of love. That dang tent I've mentioned a few times on this thread cause soooo much drama in our house because there was no way we could keep it. We had to donate it and then spend money to buy my heartbroken daughter something else to replace it. That's not a gift, you know?
 
#64 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by KimberlyD0 View Post
I say this in the nicest way possible, but you sure do come across that way. When your dictating to others what they should spend, and what to get (on a 2 year old at that) its ungreatful sounding.
I'm sorry if I gave you or anyone the impression I dictated how much they spend. I did not, have not, and will not.

I never even told them what to get. I did tell them what not to get.

Maybe I should spell out exactly what it is they get. I don't have a two year old, by the way (I have an older child).
This has been going on longer than two years.

Every year, they have gotten one or two large trucks. Like the ride-on kinds. One year, they gave three of them (in one year!). Guess what they gave this year? A big truck.

We have too many! I did donate some. At one time, I think we had 7! Seven large trucks! We had a party one time and there were a ton of little kids here and it was great because every kid had a truck and that is about the only time I saw a use for that many! Do all of you have space for 7 ride on big trucks?

And another year they did ask first, but they wanted to buy a really large one, like a $400, big bells and whistles riding truck. Seriously, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but the presents have gotten very monotonous and they just aren't age appropriate.

The other presents this year were ones with lots of small pieces that were choking hazards (DC has sensory issues and puts everything in his mouth).

I didn't see the gifts - DH made the decision that they would be better off at his parents house for kids to play with.

So, sorry to seem ungrateful but I just don't think we need the big trucks. And this has been going on for years and years before my child came on the scene. My inlaws have older grandchildren that they also always gave the trucks to. I remember my nephews one year getting the trucks when they were in their early teens and they were less than enthused and I felt sorry for them.



The other grandchildren's parents have said no more trucks (I think the first or second year) and now they either get cash or go shopping together.
 
#65 ·
I think it's appropriate that you keep a truck at the grandparent's house in that situation. I mean there really is a limit to how many trucks you can keep in your house or that your child can use, and maybe he'd use one at the grandparent's house if they had one there.
 
#66 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by KirstenMary View Post
And it also emphasises how materialistic Christmas has become.

I have to disagree.. I think it is the opposite.

My MIL never asks what the kids want and she always buys something that she thinks is a good idea but the kids are not interested in and they don't play with or can't have/use. (themed characters that my kids don't know and have no interest in, expansion packs for toys we don't own, treats and other products that my kids are allergic to etc...)

I would rather her ask what they want or not get anything at all.... We have a small space, 3 kids and another on the way and I am trying to get rid of clutter and things that go unused and are unwanted. I think it is more materialistic to waste money on something that someone doesn't want or need, or have any use for, instead of asking for ideas of gifts that would be appreciated (by the parents or especially the kids themselves)...

We don't have much family around that give gifts... and I am more than happy with that, I would rather them know the holidays and their birthdays to be about family time and getting things that they want and need and will use then just just getting more, more and more of things that will just end up in a pile.
 
#67 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Viola View Post
I think it's appropriate that you keep a truck at the grandparent's house in that situation. I mean there really is a limit to how many trucks you can keep in your house or that your child can use, and maybe he'd use one at the grandparent's house if they had one there.
Thank you!
When we got around the seventh truck a Christmas or two ago, I took a picture of them all lined up, just for the sheer craziness of it. I wish I could find that picture now so I could post it.

We were seriously inundated with large toy vehicles. One is fine. More than that is pushing it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by paxye View Post
I have to disagree.. I think it is the opposite.

My MIL never asks what the kids want and she always buys something that she thinks is a good idea but the kids are not interested in and they don't play with or can't have/use. (themed characters that my kids don't know and have no interest in, expansion packs for toys we don't own, treats and other products that my kids are allergic to etc...)

I would rather her ask what they want or not get anything at all.... We have a small space, 3 kids and another on the way and I am trying to get rid of clutter and things that go unused and are unwanted. I think it is more materialistic to waste money on something that someone doesn't want or need, or have any use for, instead of asking for ideas of gifts that would be appreciated (by the parents or especially the kids themselves)...

We don't have much family around that give gifts... and I am more than happy with that, I would rather them know the holidays and their birthdays to be about family time and getting things that they want and need and will use then just just getting more, more and more of things that will just end up in a pile.
Thank you. I really appreciate your post. I agree.
 
#68 ·
Sorry I thought your child was younger..

I still think graditude goes a long way

admittedly its been a crap year and I am projecting.. and there is a small measure of jelousy/shame/dissapointmet here, that I can't give my girls what others have or get and don't want.
 
#69 ·
The way I see it, you don't like the gifts they buy, now they aren't going to buy gifts. Problem solved! I just wonder if your children will appreciate you ruining their relationship with their grandparents over material things.
 
#70 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by KimberlyD0 View Post
Sorry I thought your child was younger..

I still think graditude goes a long way

admittedly its been a crap year and I am projecting.. and there is a small measure of jelousy/shame/dissapointmet here, that I can't give my girls what others have or get and don't want.


Please don't feel shame. I can understand feeling jealous or disappointment and I send a big hug out to you. But don't feel shame.

This economy is tough. Raising a family is tough. There is no shame in poverty.

As I said, I grew up very poor, with an absentee parent, and kids made fun of me all the time, and I often felt embarrassed and ashamed. But now I believe firmly there is no shame in poverty and I don't want you to pass any feelings of shame on to your kids. They can grow up proud no matter what their economic background. They are just as worthy of this world as the children of Bill Gates.


Besides, I don't think your girls would be too thrilled with the ride-on trucks that my inlaws buy year after year. Admittedly, this year, it wasn't a ride-on like the 7 others we have gotten from them, but it was a big truck none the less. They pretty much buy the same thing every year and while my child is old enough to know what he really, really likes, he's still young enough to enjoy the thrill of ripping open the package and playing with the box. And yes, he likes trucks, but he doesn't need that many big ones.


I wish I could send a nice present to your kids - all kids - who are struggling in anyway because I empathize and I remember.

But please do not feel shame. In this economy, any of us could be in that situation in no time. There is no shame in poverty.
 
#71 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by pauletoy View Post
The way I see it, you don't like the gifts they buy, now they aren't going to buy gifts. Problem solved! I just wonder if your children will appreciate you ruining their relationship with their grandparents over material things.
Is there any indication that the OP has ruined their relationship with their grandparents? Seriously?
 
#72 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by pauletoy View Post
The way I see it, you don't like the gifts they buy, now they aren't going to buy gifts. Problem solved! I just wonder if your children will appreciate you ruining their relationship with their grandparents over material things.


That's kind of a short, snippy comment.
But I will take the criticism because I asked for all opinions.

I truly do not want to ruin the relationship between grandchild (just one) and grandparent.

And, again, I didn't say anything to my inlaws. I wasn't even there.

Would something like this ruin a relationship?
 
#73 ·
Now that I've read the whole thread, OP, I think it might be good to talk to the parents who successfully said "no more trucks". How did they go about that without insulting the grandparents?

Also, I see no problem with donating unused gifts, and frankly, have you seen all the articles everywhere, every magazine and newspaper about returns and regifting? This is actually what probably 75-95% of people do.

Are there people here who think that keeping the sweater that was literally 3 sizes too big would have been better than exchanging it for the same one in the right size? I did that today. Saw tons of the same thing going on at the store.

We often get too many toys for our small space. Once in a while it's malicious, but usually it's just that they don't live here, and it's not their kids.

Not to mention, you're really talking about duplicate gifts here, ride on trucks year after year and holiday after holiday are NOT new gifts, it's the same gift in a different color. I got 2 of the same DVD for Christmas. The two people (DH and my brother) knew I wanted it, but 2 of it is obviously pointless. Now, DH was there when I opened his and the one from my brother. My brother doesn't know. I said thank you and how much I wanted that DVD at both openings. One will get returned. How exactly would keeping 2 copies of it be respectful to the relationship with either of them?

DD got a DVD that we already own. The idea was fantastic, she ADORES that movie. She didn't say "I already have this." She said "Wow! I looooooove Mary Poppins!" But keeping it won't help anyone. That'll get exchanged for something she doesn't have. They'll probably never know, and that's fine.

Now I would try to rebuild the relationship, and just say that you really want to spend time with them rather than any material item from them. Can you start a new tradition that involves something you can do with them, a day after Christmas brunch or visit to a museum or something?

Lastly, have you seen this? http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/24/ga...stuff.html?hpw It put stuff in perspective for me that my relatives are not THAT bad. I think this is one of the key issues behind overgifting relatives: "Her sister, Mrs. Stratton, agrees, and insists that she doesn't buy more toys for the twins than she bought for her own children." She seems not to recognize the difference between appropriate giving levels for your OWN children and your grand-nieces and grand-nephews. It seems to be common among baby boomers. I told DH to remind me of that when we're grandparents. Grandparents are not the kids parents, and shouldn't gift like parents!
 
#74 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by eclipse View Post
Is there any indication that the OP has ruined their relationship with their grandparents? Seriously?
Thanks. And to answer the question, I hope not. I don't think it will ruin the relationship between grandchild and grandparent.

It probably will put further strain on their relationship with me. Even though I wasn't there and didn't say a word to them, they'll see this as coming solely from me.



I don't know...there are other issues at play, of course...but we don't need so many large plastic ride-on trucks. And I remember them giving basically the same kind of toy to their step children when they were in their teens to less than enthusiastic reaction from the teens/pre-teens.



I'm not ungrateful. There are some things my inlaws have done well and they've gotten lots of gratitude.

But after a few years of letting this one go, and when all needs aren't met, I feel like it's kind of a waste to spend the money on the big trucks that we don't need, when there are things we do need. It would be nice if there was some way to take this message to them without offending them, but that probably isn't realistic.
 
#75 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by EviesMom View Post
Now that I've read the whole thread, OP, I think it might be good to talk to the parents who successfully said "no more trucks". How did they go about that without insulting the grandparents?
Good point.

Well, I think they probably were a little offended by the other parents, too, at first. Or maybe disappointed.

But DH's brother is a little better at talking to his parents about these kind of things than DH is, I think, from what I've seen. Also, DH's dad doesn't seem to want to piss off DH's brother so usually does things he wants. Again, though, I'm not that close, so I could be wrong.
Just my impression.
 
#76 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by EviesMom View Post
Not to mention, you're really talking about duplicate gifts here, ride on trucks year after year and holiday after holiday are NOT new gifts, it's the same gift in a different color. I got 2 of the same DVD for Christmas. The two people (DH and my brother) knew I wanted it, but 2 of it is obviously pointless. Now, DH was there when I opened his and the one from my brother. My brother doesn't know. I said thank you and how much I wanted that DVD at both openings. One will get returned. How exactly would keeping 2 copies of it be respectful to the relationship with either of them?
Good point. Why hadn't I thought of it this way? They really are duplicate gifts (some of them). And some are just inappropriate (too many pieces, choking hazard, etc).
 
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