"Life with the 2nd is going to be so much harder!" - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 03:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Words that I keep hearing from various people - especially my MIL! It's really freaking me out a bit as DH and I are trying to mentally prepare ourselves to take care of two kids.

Why do people feel the need to say this to us? Is it true? Is it really THAT much harder? For some folks, I've heard opposite. But to hear this sort of thing over and over from family members has me a little freaked out. DH and I are mainly take-it-one-day-at-a-time kind of parents - we have no certain system or style, we just do what comes natural to us. I'm guessing we should instill that same method when the 2nd little guy arrives?

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#2 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 03:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by busymama77 View Post
DH and I are mainly take-it-one-day-at-a-time kind of parents - we have no certain system or style, we just do what comes natural to us. I'm guessing we should instill that same method when the 2nd little guy arrives?
Don't be freaked out...what's the point? Was it hard to go from zero kids to one? Yes, and I think it's similar when you add another kid. You will/can take one day at a time and it will be wonderful...

I just had my 4th and things went very smoothly, there were def. hard moments and there will be more, but you are a family and the new babe will fit right in from the beginning. If you can roll with the punches, you'll be fine.

Sometimes I think the ideas we get from others and what people tell us our older kids feel are just planted ideas, not based in reality.

Soooo many people ask me how 5-yr-old dd "likes" the baby: is she jealous? Not at all and I don't attach any label to how she "likes" the baby. Are there times she has to wait and doesn't like it? Yep, but she doesn't put that on the baby.

Please don't worry...you can do this!

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#3 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 03:54 PM
 
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Yeah, I hate those folks who say that, too. But, in my case it was true.


I took my quiet , serious baby everywhere. She was breastfed, she went to classical music concerts, art galleries, I snuck her into adult only parties because she was quieter than a mouse. I had a great purse bag that I kept a change of clothes and the cloth diaper kit in.. I was rocking and so put together.

My second comes and he's noisy. He breastfeeds with grunts and whistles. I have luggage... snacks for the toddler, diaper kits for both and more clothes. He is extrememly vocal and won't be quiet anywhere... unless the lights dim. So, he did see a play or two but for the most part.. it was easier to stay home for awhile.

Sorry to have tell you this stuff.
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#4 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 03:54 PM
 
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We got that a lot when we were expecting DD2. My Dad was fond of saying "one is like one and two is like ten."

I'll say that adding the second came with it's own challenges and some days things get pretty hairy. But overall if you can handle one you can handle two.

We're really laid back and have found that everything has fallen nicely into place and we are enjoying life with two.

Good luck, you'll do great!

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#5 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 03:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by philomom View Post
Yeah, I hate those folks who say that, too. But, in my case it was true.


I took my quiet , serious baby everywhere. She was breastfed, she went to classical music concerts, art galleries, I snuck her into adult only parties because she was quieter than a mouse. I had a great purse bag that I kept a change of clothes and the cloth diaper kit in.. I was rocking and so put together.

My second comes and he's noisy. He breastfeeds with grunts and whistles. I have luggage... snacks for the toddler, diaper kits for both and more clothes. He is extrememly vocal and won't be quiet anywhere... unless the lights dim. So, he did see a play or two but for the most part.. it was easier to stay home for awhile.

Sorry to have tell you this stuff.
It is so variable! Our two were just the opposite! I had the crazy gal first and our second is so calm comparatively. I feel much less tied to the house now than when I only had DD1. You just never know

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#6 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 03:58 PM
 
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Eh not really. I did notice that it took about 6 mth vs 3 mths with the first to start getting my groove back. Plan on 30 min to get out the door. The toughest part for me was getting the older one to let me put the younger one down for a nap - tv was my friend on that one. The first year was the hardest, but certainly not un-doable! It was more just a learning curve is all. Now that they're older (5 and 7) I can't tell you how much EASIER I think it is because I have 2. There's not a lot of "mommy come entertain me" because they have a built in playmate. They also LOVE to help each other out, things I'd be happy to do but that they want to do for each other instead. The flip side (and there always is one!) is that I do have arguments to referee that wouldn't happen with just one, and there's 2 kids so twice the mess. LOL! Really, it was just an adjustment like anything. I found adjusting to the 2nd child was far, far easier than adjusting to the first!
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#7 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:02 PM
 
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It wasn't as bad as I'd expected. My older son was 4, so I think that helped alot. And he didn't have any issues when his brother was born, which again, helped. I really think it varies so much.

Right now, I do have moments where I just struggle with the two of them. But I think that's mainly because my youngest is 3 and I have a hard time with that age.
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#8 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:08 PM
 
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It was a lot harder than I expected. I don't remember people telling me much about how it would be, but I doubt I would have been prepared anyway. It was really hard. Mine are 3.5 years apart, and tandem nursing, which probably saved us

I'm sure it varies from family to family. Kids handle a new sibling differently. We thought we were prepared, we thought DS was prepared (and he was, cognitively - it was the emotional reaction no one was prepared for). We even had a very easy-going, laid-back baby and we are really relaxed parents. It was just a hard transition for several months.

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#9 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:12 PM
 
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Yeah, it was pretty hard. But I would rather have heard what people are telling you than what I heard all the time:

"Oh, they'll play together, it will be so wonderful!"

Well, yeah, after about 3 years they did start playing together. But it was a heck of a three years till then.
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#10 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:15 PM
 
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They say it because its true. And a shock to most people just how much harder 2 is then 1, well in those frist few months for sure!
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#11 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:21 PM
 
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What I want to know is why people wish the antichrist on you.... I mean, they don't actually say that - but they might as well. Why would you wish a woman to have a horrible labour and birth? Why would you wish a woman to have a baby from Mars?... Some of the comments though...you would swear they were wishing that on you! lmao

I have never been told that its harder though - and most of my friends are on their third child by now! lmao (we went for a bit of a bigger age gap) - and 'harder' isnt the word I would use to drescribe what I see and what I hear and how it is for them. 'Different' - yes. But I am not buying that 'harder' is true.

TBH - I think it also depends on how you parent. Parenting in a mainstream way is harder no matter how many children you have. No thank you! lol

Mummy me : > Thats Ann! and my beautiful SONS Duncanand Hamish 19/09/05 & 22/04/10!
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#12 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:35 PM
 
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2 was great! It was 3 that threw me for a loop! Then #7 after that. LOL

Dont let people scare you.

*~Kelly~*
 Waldorf Mom to 9 blessings ~6 by birth and 3 by fost/adopt~

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#13 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:38 PM
 
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Yes, it is hard.
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#14 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:40 PM
 
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Meh, it's going to change your life. And mostly for the better because there is another person in your home to love. yeah it can feel difficult when both of them want you at once, but you'll survive it, and they will love each other and have a friend for life. As i type this, my kids are in their room (almost 6 years and 2.5 years) and my older one is "teaching" the younger one how to play piano on his keyboard. It's a heartwarming sound.
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#15 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:46 PM
 
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My friend told me two was easier than one, because the older one suddenly has someone else who pays attention to them. In our case it hasn't been quite like that, but there is a much larger age gap (6 1/2 years vs 2 1/2 for hers), and my oldest is a boy who isn't all that interested in taking care of a baby, although he does help out some. He's mostly quite possessive of me and everything that was previously his, including the bath tub.

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#16 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley View Post
What I want to know is why people wish the antichrist on you.... I mean, they don't actually say that - but they might as well. Why would you wish a woman to have a horrible labour and birth? Why would you wish a woman to have a baby from Mars?... Some of the comments though...you would swear they were wishing that on you! lmao

I have never been told that its harder though - and most of my friends are on their third child by now! lmao (we went for a bit of a bigger age gap) - and 'harder' isnt the word I would use to drescribe what I see and what I hear and how it is for them. 'Different' - yes. But I am not buying that 'harder' is true.

TBH - I think it also depends on how you parent. Parenting in a mainstream way is harder no matter how many children you have. No thank you! lol
Ouch?! I wouldn't say that our parenting style is 100% mainstream, but a majority of it is and I feel like we're doing just fine.

One happy mama to 1/06 , 3/10 , and married to my best friend
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#17 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:51 PM
 
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Going from 1 to 2 was extremely hard for me. I spent many days in the early months crying and thinking OMG what have I done. But you know what, you will survive just like I did and things will get better... a lot better. Now, adding 3 and 4 was a breeze.

Wife of 20 years to my superhero firefighting DH. SAHM to 2 boys and 2 girls (3 babies in Heaven- Baby # 5 5/2010 & Baby #6 8/2011 & Baby # 7 2/1013). Cancer Survivor 2011 ( Persistent Malignant Gestational Trophoblastic Disease)

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#18 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:55 PM
 
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I did not have any trouble going from 1 child to 2 children. I had a much, much harder time going from 0 to 1.

mommy to ds 11/05, dd1 01/08, and dd2 01/10!
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#19 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 04:56 PM
 
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I'm expecting a second as well. I'm trying not to have expectations, really -- what comes comes, and we'll power through it. Every difficult thing will pass, and we'll do the best we can. I'm open to the adventure. So when people start up the "ooh, so hard" stuff, that's how I respond to them and myself. It defuses the whole thing.

Maybe this is what's meant by "mainstream is harder" -- if you're expecting to follow certain cultural standards, no matter how well they work or don't work, it's going to be a lot harder than if you make choices based on works best for your family and your kids as individuals. I don't think the comment needs to be a critique of your choice to have a crib or something.
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#20 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 05:01 PM
 
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We have a boy who will be 3 in January, and a one month old. The first two weeks were a challenge while we figured it all out and I healed, but from then on it's been great! I'm amazed at how well this little guy has fit into our life. It's WAAAAAY easier than the first go around! Nursing is easier, co-sleeping easier, night time diapering, keeping up with laundry, travelling...it's all ok, because we have an idea of what we're doing!!

Don't let the negative Nellies get you down! It will have its challenges, but you can do it.

Mama of 2 sweet boys, Miles (Jan 3/07) and Avery (Nov 28/09) My fast and furious HBAC
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#21 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 10:32 PM
 
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I think it just depends. It was certainly not easy for me, that's for sure. But like anything else, you get used to it and you find new ways to function. Now 2 to 3, well, my youngest is 6, and sometimes I still feel overwhelmed!

 
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#22 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 10:42 PM
 
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Bah! You will do fine!!

My two were 28 months apart and we were a little slower to get it all together and out the door in the am but it went okay! It was not anything I would call traumatic or bad. lol Now I'm trying for baby #3.
Honestly, it really depends on the baby and what you have going on. If you take it slow and adjust, it will become a new normal in no time.

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#23 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 10:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
Yeah, I hate those folks who say that, too. But, in my case it was true.


I took my quiet , serious baby everywhere. She was breastfed, she went to classical music concerts, art galleries, I snuck her into adult only parties because she was quieter than a mouse. I had a great purse bag that I kept a change of clothes and the cloth diaper kit in.. I was rocking and so put together.

My second comes and he's noisy. He breastfeeds with grunts and whistles. I have luggage... snacks for the toddler, diaper kits for both and more clothes. He is extrememly vocal and won't be quiet anywhere... unless the lights dim. So, he did see a play or two but for the most part.. it was easier to stay home for awhile.

Sorry to have tell you this stuff.
Yup. This has been my experience as well. I love my kids but oh god there are days where I wonder if I should be doing this at all. #2 made me feel completely inadequate. As of this writing I will not be having more kids because I am pretty sure they have driven me insane.

ETA: but take this with a grain of salt. Everyone's experiences are different.
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#24 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 10:45 PM
 
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It was very hard for me. But my 2nd was not even 2 years younger than my first plus he was a preemie and hospitalized for 5 weeks after he was born. I really don't even remember much from #2's first year because I was so exhausted most of the time. But #3 is 4 years younger than #2 (which is the spacing your children will have, right?), was a full term, uncomplicated birth and that was not much of an adjustment at all.

And even with the first two, it was really only hard for maybe the first year or so. They are 9 and 11 now (and my "baby" is 5) and I think it's almost easier having more than one because they entertain each other a lot. DH took the older two skiing over spring break...I couldn't go due to foot surgery and stayed home with our youngest. I thought he would drive me crazy! I didnt' realize how much the older two entertain him.
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#25 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 11:24 PM
 
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With two, if you have two parents in the house, you can divide and conquer. You always have at least one adult per child needing something. That technique isn't so easy once you hit three.

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#26 of 38 Old 12-28-2009, 11:40 PM
 
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Going from one to two for a lot of folks, from the threads here over the years, does sound hard. Mine are 11 months apart, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but it was really tough for us. They're now approaching the ages of 4 and 5 and it is still really tough. They are best pals, but they also fight a lot now. I have this theory based on threads here and folks I know in real life, though, that after two it gets easier for many folks. I've noticed that sometimes three is hard, but by the time people get to four, they seem to have an easier transition. So if you are planning to have more than two, might as well get two over with LOL.

Still, I love what the person said above about how going to two is going to change your life, and mostly for the better because there will be one more person in your home to love. SOooo true.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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#27 of 38 Old 12-29-2009, 01:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by woodchick View Post
We got that a lot when we were expecting DD2. My Dad was fond of saying "one is like one and two is like ten."

I'll say that adding the second came with it's own challenges and some days things get pretty hairy. But overall if you can handle one you can handle two.

We're really laid back and have found that everything has fallen nicely into place and we are enjoying life with two.

Good luck, you'll do great!
everyone tries to push me onto the 2 bandwagon telling me it's EASIER than one! 'they entertain each other', etc...
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#28 of 38 Old 12-29-2009, 01:22 AM
 
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It is a bit harder but now you'll have two children to love and cuddle. it will take more work and time management skills but you absolutely can do it. Don't let the negatives put you down. You'll do great!

The best thing a mother can do is to love the children.
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#29 of 38 Old 12-29-2009, 01:46 AM
 
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One thing I found really interesting and nice about 2 is that now you become this "seasoned" mom. No more novice label and people aren't as quick to tell you what to do..they offer advice but it's really offered in a different way.

the myth is that "they play together" No they don't . Not until they are older.
Yes the firstborn adores the baby...usually the trouble doesn't start until the new baby starts wanting firstborn's stuff.
I think our saving grace was the sling. DS went everywhere and was so content in that thing. He was also a very easy going baby.
I found that really I was meant for 2 and could handle most of it. The stuff I had the most trouble with with was that typical baby stuff, no sleep and nursing aroundclock but this time I didn't get the opportunity to nap with the baby...another kid was needing me.
You'll be fine!

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#30 of 38 Old 12-29-2009, 01:55 AM
 
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1 to 2 wasn't hard for me, but #2 was/is the easiest baby ever. Really, I'm pretty sure he managed to capture the essence of Zen from the getgo.

2 to 3? That's when I thought I knew it all and I was totally thrown for a loop. #3 is 3 months old and I'm just beginning to find a groove.

It really comes down to individal kids' personalities. Remember though that 'divide and conquer' will be your friend for a while.
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