Tactfully commenting on FB - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-14-2010, 12:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So, a good friend of mine who now lives far away and his wife have a new baby -- a month old. Don't know how crunchy they are (I have never met his wife), but back several months ago he was asking me about cloth diapering.

Anyway, during some back-and-forth cuteness with another (from years ago) mutual friend who has a four month old, she mentioned sleeping through the night. He asked when he could expect his little darling daughter to do this, and she replied that she follows Babywise and highly suggests he read "On Becoming Babywise" and follow it.

What is a tactful comment that might make him think without "shoving my views" on anyone or making them feel terrible? I'm not sure, but I don't think I can discuss the possible risks to breastfeeding. I haven't asked him, but considering we've had conversations about him taking the first two shifts of "night feeding" and that his wife sleeps for 9-10 hours due to this, I'm guessing the baby is formula-fed.
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:05 AM
 
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You don't have to give your opinion about the Babywise book, unless you know him really well it is probably best not to, however unpalatable you find the book. Maybe make your own book suggestion, say Sears Baby Sleep Book or Pantley's No Cry Sleep Soultion. Just say something like, 'if you're looking for book suggestions one I've found really helpful is.....' Then if any of his other friends are more in your camp they'll jump in and second the recommendation.

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Old 01-14-2010, 01:06 AM
 
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I don't use FB, but I would send him a personal message or whatever it is called. Don't make it a public conversation. But, you can say that you saw the other comments and would really recommend something else. There's no harm in giving good advice, but IMO better not get an argument started.
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:08 AM
 
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I don't think you can comment without getting the friend who uses BW up in arms. I would actually send a PM to your good friend with this article (http://aapnews.aappublications.org/c...stract/14/4/21) saying that you saw that the other friend had recommended, and you're sure other friend means well but you think she should know that the American Academy of Pediatrics says it can make some babies sick.

That way, you're appealing to higher (Doctor!) authority, not just pushing your own weird views.
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You guys are totally right, I don't want to start a flame war, or anything. I'm much closer to the new father than I am to the Babywise friend, we just all hung out together once upon a time.

He wasn't actually asking for book suggestions or actual help -- it was more him being "astonished" at her stories of how her baby's sleep training and STTN have been disrupted by a vacation... a "what is this mythical beast of STTN you mention? HOW OLD is your dd?" kind of thing. And then she began evangelizing Babywise...
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Old 01-14-2010, 01:29 AM
 
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Eh, I'd reply something like the age a child sttn is variable with each child. I'd then follow with something like "there are many good books out there. I've heard the APA has issued concerns with Babywise so I'd look into that as well. <Other friend> glad it's working for you."
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Old 01-14-2010, 03:00 AM
 
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Why don't you send him a copy of The Baby Book as a gift and avoid the whole FB thing all together? To me, suggesting baby books is just awkward especially if he didn't ask for the advice to begin with and you weren't involved in the conversation. Maybe you could sing the praises of AP in your own FB status. If you feel you must reply to the Babywise discussion, I would not comment on the Babywise book at all. I would simply say something along the lines of... "The Baby Book by Sears is favorite go to book on all things baby....."

I don't know, I am just not a big fan of going around trying to convert everyone to my way of parenting by offering unsolicited advice. Now if I am asked for an opinion or how I do things, then it's game on!!!

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Old 01-14-2010, 03:21 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by denimtiger View Post
You guys are totally right, I don't want to start a flame war, or anything. I'm much closer to the new father than I am to the Babywise friend, we just all hung out together once upon a time.

He wasn't actually asking for book suggestions or actual help -- it was more him being "astonished" at her stories of how her baby's sleep training and STTN have been disrupted by a vacation... a "what is this mythical beast of STTN you mention? HOW OLD is your dd?" kind of thing. And then she began evangelizing Babywise...
This kind of makes it sound like might already be wise to Babywise, IYKWIM.

Mommy to kids

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Old 01-14-2010, 04:11 AM
 
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i would contact him privately and tell him you have concerns with whats in the Babywise books. Tell him you would be more than happy to talk to him about it if he wanted to but that you didn't want to mention it publiclly because people who use babywise are follow it with a religous zeal and you didn't want to start any conflict or anything and weren't sure if he was even interested blah blah blah. this way you have given him a heads up, left it open for him to ask you what your concerns are and planted a little seed in his head about the whole babywise cult.

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Old 01-14-2010, 10:27 PM
 
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I would also go with contacting him privately. Avoid the FB wall war

This way you can tell him about your Babywise concerns and politely offer up some of your own suggestions if you think he'd like them.

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Old 01-15-2010, 05:48 PM
 
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It doesn't sound like there is any winning. Any mother who can sleep 10 hours without being interrupted isn't going to give that up. No matter what some crunchy book says. I would just nod, smile, and avoid the wall wars. It's cool to be the 'bad' parent on FB. I have seen more than a few times status like 'Can't wait until Monday when Little Timmy goes back to daycare" or "Little Timmy cut his first tooth, we're having steak for dinner"

I'm crunchy... Like a Dorito.
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Old 01-15-2010, 05:52 PM
 
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I would advise against Babywise and give the AAP recommendations. There is a lot of information at http://www.ezzo.info/

My friends and relatives wouldn't really be surprised to see me jump into something.

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Old 01-16-2010, 10:39 AM
 
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OMG this just happened to me so I'm glad I read this thread first. One of my bf's just had a baby a few weeks ago and some of her (nonmutual) neighborhood friends started singing the praises of how they started bw early. One said 4 months another chimed in that she started at 2 weeks! I've met this woman and her baby she is very responsive to her dd and she talked about not being able to CIO or stop codleeping so not sure how closely she followed bw. I just closed the thread and hugged my new lo.
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Old 01-16-2010, 12:01 PM
 
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I personally could never let a BW comment just hang out there without someone saying that don't agree simply because many other folks will read the thread other then your friend. I always drop a link and make it clear I don't want to debate....

"Not wanting to start a fb war or anything here folks, but I learned some valuable stuff about BW..... [insert your link of choice here]."

Then you leave and don't come back and you can even contact your friend privately at that point. Don't make your comment about the other person, or the horrors of CIO, etc. Make it impersonal and about your own knowledge.
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Old 01-16-2010, 12:02 PM
 
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just post a link to the Dr. Sears website on sleep issues, maybe say "for a different perspective..." and then post the link. I'd also private message him with the link to the AAP statement on it, saying that you didn't want to start a debate on facebook, but there has been a lot of controversy about the babywise materials from a health standpoint, and you wanted to make sure he heard both sides of the issue. I don't think that is inflammatory at all.
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