If one of your kids was an "accident," do you think you treat them differently? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 01-16-2010, 02:25 PM
 
*bejeweled*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 4,339
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Beautiful...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaleanani View Post
I was about 4 weeks post-partum when I found out I was pregnant again with DD. Because there was a good chance I could die during my pregnancy (they're potentially life threatening for me) DH said we absolutely had to get an abortion. So off to the clinic I went. And then I *grabbed* the U/S picture that they did and I said screw this, I'm NOT killing my babe, and stormed out. I wanted DD. And she was a super wonderful blessing. The pregnancy we had feared wasn't nearly as bad as it was with DS, and her baby-hood was completely different. DS was so high needs and had special needs to boot that had DD not come along by accident I never would have had the courage to try for another one. But she restored my faith in myself when she was a wonderfully easy going little baby - and I realized I wasn't a failure as a mother. I am so, so happy she was our little accident. I think, if anything, I treat her *better* because I felt so guilty for a long time for even going to the abortion clinic in the first place - and I feel so blessed to have her. One signed consent form and she could have never been a part of our lives. It scares the heck out of me - I adore her to death.

Me afro.jpg reading.gif Wife and Mom to modifiedartist.gif cat.gifdog2.gif.
*bejeweled* is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-17-2010, 12:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
mommyshoppinghabit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: On the verge
Posts: 595
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hmm, I'm probably on the more cynical side of the spectrum and that is what has colored my perception of my behavior about ds. Actually, I think if I were an objective outsider looking in, big picture wise, I'm doing an amazing job.
mommyshoppinghabit is offline  
Old 01-17-2010, 01:12 AM
 
KristaDJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1,451
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm gonna have to agree on it just being the second child and your treatment of him is perfectly normal. My first was an accident (teen pregnancy actually) and I was SO overprotective with him, as I was with my second (five years later) who was also an accident. My third was wanted and planned and I am no where near as cautious as I was with my other two. You just relax more as you have more kids, that's all. And you must be a good mom to even think about that kind of thing

Krista; blessed mother to four earthly beings and three non-physical. Basking in my beautiful rainbow. 
 
 

KristaDJ is offline  
Old 01-18-2010, 01:50 PM
 
childsplay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: In the woods.
Posts: 433
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I personally don't think it has anymore to do with being 'unplanned' than it does simply another child.
When my DS #2 was born, my first boy was older (10) so we had loads of time and attention to shower on ds#2.
Then came the unplanned twins 16 months later. I know I treated them differently, but not because they meant 'less' to me. But because my workload had tripled. My attention had to be divided four ways now, not only to ensure that each little person stayed safe, was fed, clean and warm, but that they each had time with me.
The twins, being born into this chaotic life didn't know anything else but shared attention, a slow-to-react mother on such things as tumbles, squabbles and lost toys.
DS #2 however, knew the life of undivided attention, peaceful quiet days, neatness and order. So while I did my best not to traumatize DS#2 by suddenly 'abandoning' him for these two new people in his life, I also had to let go of the idea that our life could be the exact same with the twins. I did things with them that I'd have been upset by with DS#1&2, I often just had to let them cry, I propped one in an armchair with a bottle when I was just to spent to nurse them both, I'd ship them off to Grandparents for an afternoon so I could spend time with my other boys, but also, as I was parenting all four I was becoming way more relaxed about mothering, and about kids.
I wouldn't fret over this at all. Of course your second child will be treated differently than your first, unplanned or not. There's two kids now vying for your time, attention and love. Needing to be fed, changed, rocked, read to, played with, picked up, cuddled, etc.....Your relationship with each child is unique to the two of you, it's something only you and he/she share, that the siblings can't have, but have of their own with you.
childsplay is offline  
Old 01-18-2010, 03:55 PM
 
lolablitz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Shorewood, WI
Posts: 24
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
My daughter was unplanned, but she was born because I wanted a baby. I would have had an abortion if I didn't, without a second thought. My son was planned a few years later. They both get treated as equally as possible (given different ages, personalities, and abilities), and I can say 100% I love them both the same.

The fact that you're thinking about it now makes me feel like you will do something to stop yourself from treating them differently in the future . . . at least I hope so!
I apologize for hijacking,OP, but Jessy's tagline is incredibly offensive to me and I feel the need to say something.

Jessy: How do u think those of us who were adopted feel when they read your tagline? Do you think we would have been better off aborted? You are incredibly ignorant, clearly, and I hope you will consider editing your tagline and speaking to one of us. The abortion debate is not so intrinsically linked to the practice of adoption as you seem to purport. I am saddened that you are so militant about something so hurtful.

Partner to my Dotu and Mama to my Joy DD 10/5/2008
lolablitz is offline  
Old 01-18-2010, 04:45 PM
 
LynnS6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pacific NW longing for the Midwest
Posts: 12,446
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit View Post
On the one hand, I don't think it's that I'm more relaxed with ds2, its more like I have less energy to deal, but that coil of perfectionism is still tightly wound up in me, I've just had to let go of things out of lack of choice.
That coil of perfectionism might be something that you want to work on. Now, it could be that having two kids relatively close together will be a learning experience for you and will help you learn to let things go and relax that coil. But being tightly wound up all the time is not good for your health.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit View Post
On the other hand, if I don't have a glowing, passionate view of having become a mother a second time around, that means I have an illness?
No. It doesn't. But if you're continually in a funk, are 'pawning' your son off (your words, I believe) and can never see the bright side of things, it might.

I knew going into motherhood that it was darned hard work and that our lives would never be the same again. I will admit that I like children much more than toddlers. I find toddlers difficult and frustrating. Our kids are 5 and 8 now and while we have our moments, life is a lot, lot easier now. I wouldn't go back to the baby stage if you paid me. That's not a sign of illness, but an admission of reality.

If that's where you are, fine. But, if you're really worried about how you treat #2, and it's not just because you're more experienced, what can you do to change that?


Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit View Post
I have a real bone to pick with that whole ppd camp.
As someone who suffered from severe PPD with ds and mild PPD with my daughter, trust me, it exists. In many different forms. You may not have it. I don't know if your 'bone to pick' is for your own situation or in general. But please don't dismiss PPD in general. It does a real disservice to women who are suffering massively.


Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyshoppinghabit View Post
I just like to complain a lot
.

Do you like to complain a lot? Do you feel better after you complain? Or is it a habit? There are benefits to skepticism, but continual pessimism can hold you back. An interesting book for you to look at would be: Learned Optimism. You don't have to become an optimist, but it might help you look at your thought patterns and figure which ones are helpful for you and which ones aren't.

Lynnteapot2.GIF, academicreading.gif,geek.gif wife, WOHM  to T jog.gif(4/01) and M whistling.gif (5/04)
LynnS6 is offline  
Old 01-18-2010, 04:55 PM
 
Jessy1019's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Flemington, NJ
Posts: 3,222
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lolablitz View Post
I apologize for hijacking,OP, but Jessy's tagline is incredibly offensive to me and I feel the need to say something.

Jessy: How do u think those of us who were adopted feel when they read your tagline? Do you think we would have been better off aborted? You are incredibly ignorant, clearly, and I hope you will consider editing your tagline and speaking to one of us. The abortion debate is not so intrinsically linked to the practice of adoption as you seem to purport. I am saddened that you are so militant about something so hurtful.
My signature has been approved by the mods.

If you are interested in learning more about the anti-adoption movement, you can google "anti-adoption." Adopted adults are very much involved in it, though.

There's no need to hijack someone else's thread, though.

Proud Anti-Adoption, Atheist, Reproductive-Freedom Fighter Mama
Rylie is 7, Ronin is 3.5
Jessy1019 is offline  
Old 01-18-2010, 05:56 PM
 
~Charlie's~Angel~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 4,411
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My children are 14 months apart. When I found out I Was pregnant with DS2, I was FAREAKED OUT. I too, had just gotten over not being pregnant anymore and whammo, another 9 months to go again!

I do treat DS2 differently. But that is because him and his brother are totally different kids. DS2 is very much a mamas boy, and is VERY attached to me. Much more so then DS1 has ever been. Don't get me wrong, DS1 loves his mama very much, and I would walk through fire if that meant a life of true happiness for him. I would also do the same for DS2. But I have come to learn their nurturing needs are different, therefore I nurture them differently. They both get the same amount of love, respect, attention and encouragement from me. Just in different ways.

I also HATE the term "accident". I prefer "surprise miracle". But thats just me.....

ETA I would also like to add that I am proud of how I don't react with cat like reflexes to tumbles and trips anymore. To me it means I have relaxed and can let the kids learn how to brush themselves off and get back up. Now if there is blood, thats a different story of course.
~Charlie's~Angel~ is offline  
Old 01-18-2010, 06:10 PM
 
ann_of_loxley's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Gloucestershire, UK
Posts: 5,388
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No.

My son was an 'accident'. We were not in the best financial situation at the time and had only just got married as well. Abortion is not for me at all, but I still felt like 'eh - I do-not-want-this-right-now!' iykwim!...

This one was much wanted. It took us over a year to try with a handful of heartaches (miscarriages)...so very very much wanted and so much loved.

I will not treat them any differently. They are both very much loved. Despite being an 'accident' - I am SO thankful for my son. He has helped to make me the mother and woman I am today!...

The only difference though, I will say, is enjoyment in pregnancies. I am enjoying this so much more the second (wanted) time around. I feel so much more connected and in love with this baby as well. I didn't really feel that all the way through my pregnancy with DS until right up at the end and even more so when I finally met him.

Mummy me : > Thats Ann! and my beautiful SONS Duncanand Hamish 19/09/05 & 22/04/10!
ann_of_loxley is offline  
Old 01-18-2010, 06:27 PM
 
mntnmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 1,780
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DD was planned.About 6 mnths later DH and I went through some major changes that strained our relationship almost to breaking. When DD was 10mnths old, surprise! We then found out that DH was deploying in "6 months to a year". So yeah, I was in a funk to say the least. I was questioning staying married, and here I was pregnant with #2!!
His 1st yr was *really* hard. I think I had minor postpartum, but never got screened. I loved DS, but it took me a lot longer to bond with him.
But I do think most of my "relaxing" with him, was the whole "second child" thing. He is now 5 (DH and I are still married BTW), and we are expecting #4. DS1 is very much an individual, and I do treat him much differently. But I treat 1 and 3 differently too.
If you are concerned, you should get some help. It doesn't make you a bad mom. It doesn't mean you don't love your "surprise" baby. It means you are in a bad spot, with 2 small children and need a kind of support you are not getting.

Mom of 4 aspiring midwife "Friend"ly seeker
mntnmom is offline  
Old 01-18-2010, 08:02 PM
 
choli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 3,933
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post

I knew going into motherhood that it was darned hard work and that our lives would never be the same again. I will admit that I like children much more than toddlers. I find toddlers difficult and frustrating. Our kids are 5 and 8 now and while we have our moments, life is a lot, lot easier now. I wouldn't go back to the baby stage if you paid me. That's not a sign of illness, but an admission of reality.
No kidding. It was AGONY for me when my kids were toddlers, it was the most miserable period of my life. But, you know, it gets better every year as they grow. I think that the horror of the toddler years is one of the never discussed "secrets" about parenthood.
choli is offline  
Old 01-19-2010, 01:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
mommyshoppinghabit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: On the verge
Posts: 595
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm reminded of something in Eat Pray Love about having kids. No one tells you, or no one told me at least, that wanting to have kids should be like wanting to put a tattoo on your face. You have to want something reaally bad to want to tattoo it on your face. Truth be told, I never wanted kids that badly. I'm sorry to all the women ttc out there. Right before DH and I conceived DS1, we just thought, hey, life is kinda boring right now, wouldn't it be fun to have kids? I know that sounds so naive. They should make it a prerequisite for motherhood to have to be an 'intern' mother beforehand in order to see if it is right for you (at least for those of us who didn't grow up around lot of babies).
Now having said that, I sound like the wicked witch of the west, which I'm really not, and actually give 110% everyday to my kids everyday, b/c that is the only kind of job I'm capable of doing, and I love them and put them first in everything.
And after having a few days to think about this post, I realize, thought I think I give DS2 the short end of the stick, actually, I'm sort of evening things out--there are times when I am not paying that much attention to DS1 now (he's 4 and kind of going through a control freak phase while DS2 at 23 months is at his cutest ever).
One thing I am really thankful for is that though I still may be negative a lot in this whole motherhood thing, the depths of agony and desperation that I went through have propelled me to a lot of self-improvement these last 4 years. One pp mentioned something about questioning my negative thoughts. I do that now. I've improved a lot more than that actually, and I would never have gotten to this place had I never reached that low.
mommyshoppinghabit is offline  
Old 01-19-2010, 11:55 AM
 
Bellabaz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Gex, France
Posts: 826
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think that with subsequent kids, you are just more relaxed in general. You have some experience under your belt and know that falling won't kill themand they won't die from touching the shopping cart handle. I would think that with 2 los so close in age you are mabe just tired, stressed, etc. But don't beat yourself up. And if you really think you treat them differently, well then I suppose you can work on that then.

Mamma to dd1 3/8/07, one 9.5.08, and dd2 9/9/09
Bellabaz is offline  
Old 01-19-2010, 05:03 PM
 
darcytrue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: here and there
Posts: 2,635
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My children were all 3 unplanned but none of them were accidents. We didn't plan to get pregnant with any of them. I love them all equally. I had a hard time after having my second child because she was a high maintenance and colicky baby, but other than that, my kids have always been treated the same.

Proud *single* mom to 3 amazing kiddos
darcytrue is offline  
Old 01-19-2010, 05:44 PM
 
Miasmamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Defying gravity
Posts: 1,313
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Both of my girls were surprises, DD2 more so than DD1. I love them both equally, but I do treat them differently. They are 3.5 and almost 8 months. DD1 is more high strung and gets her feelings hurt pretty easily, but DD2 is a big time mamma's girl and doesn't like being left with anyone. So, I am careful what I say to DD1 and I don't leave DD2. But I can also say without a doubt that I am done. I love my girls, but I am done. I like having the freedom to do what I want to without worrying about a nursing baby/toddler.

Erin, mom to Amelia Rose:, 6/15/06 and Lily Grace, 6/7/09; wife to Phil since 10/9/04
Miasmamma is offline  
Old 01-21-2010, 06:15 PM
 
kittywitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: The Room of Requirement
Posts: 13,061
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
All 4 of my children were unplanned. I suppose that would mean that I don't treat them differently, but that's not true. With each subsequent child, life changes, they have different personalities, dynamics change...

AP Mom to 5 knit.gifhomeschool.giftoddler.gif
 
  

kittywitty is offline  
Old 01-21-2010, 06:22 PM
 
Babina's Mommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: RI
Posts: 278
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
With me, I know this a little weird, but daughter was planned and I wanted her and when I gave birth, I was a little freaked out at first but then everything was fine. With son, he was a "surprise" and I didn't find out until I was 16 weeks along, and he was not planned and I did not want to be pregnant or have another child so soon, they are 22 months apart...the whole pregnancy I was miserable and the birth was more traumatic this time too. When he came, the second I saw him I was so happy and in love...I think the first time I was just freaked out by being a new mother....but I did not expect to be so "in love" with baby #2 right away!

Mom to a girl 7.17.07 and a boy 5.30.09 Wife to husband 8.12.81 (ha) New baby boy 3.09.11 stillheart.gif
nocirc.gifribbonlime.gifslingboy.giffamilybed2.gifbfinfant.gif
Babina's Mommy is offline  
Old 01-24-2010, 05:15 AM
 
peaceful_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: #12 Grimmauld Place
Posts: 4,940
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
First child vs. having more experience, definently! also yes you do need more breaks with more young children under your care.

That said, my younger two are not quite 22 months apart (messed up a bit on a chart) and well....I used to have pretty bad mama guilt about what DD missed out on, not being the 'baby' long enough in my eyes. I used to feel horrible for the fact that I CRIED in the MW's office when she confirmed my pregnancy while my BARELY 14 month old BABY was NURSING on her exam table!

But....when I spotted and had low progesterone, I did something about it.

And little did I know, this would be the child who would be my joyful distraction in the worst year of loss in my life so far. (My dad and my grandma, who I adored, everyone did--when I was 7 months pregnant and when baby was 3 weeks old.) to this day I think my grandma hung on to meet my baby, she had her first heart attack a couple weeks before he was born, she passed away almost 24 hours exactly after meeting him.

So I got over my regrets on having 2 so close together. And DS2 is the light of the family....seriously the happiest baby pretty much *anyone's* ever seen. If anything, my "accident" is the FAVORED one! (though I think a lot of it is that he is a baby and NEEDS more attention too.)

lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), one 13 wk (10/13) and 5/15 just your average multigenerational living family!!
peaceful_mama is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off