Play date disaster Update Post #9 - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 38 Old 01-23-2010, 03:59 PM
 
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I think the playdates should be at your home too. Not necessarily b/c of the incident that you've described - but b/c your dd said she is afraid of her friends dad. That is enough of a reason for her not to go over there even without any other existing circumstances or problems. Her fear should be respected, and she should not have to be in his presence without you or another adult that she trusts to keep her safe (teacher at school for example - I don't know how old she is).
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#32 of 38 Old 01-23-2010, 04:31 PM
 
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You know I think this whole thing is a message to the OP to get to know the parents of her child's friends better.

I could totally see my DH making a joke about spanking as he does it a fair amount at home with our girls. It's completely innocent as he would never spank and he has a pretty good read on when a kid is really upset, too, so I think he would know better than to do that if a friend kid was upset.

That said, the real problem here is the OP doesn't know the other parents well enough to know if the dad was joking or not. I think it's a plausible scenario, but if you don't know the parents well enough you can't read it.

I don't think the take home message is "only have playdates at my house", but instead is "get to know the other parents better". Maybe the OP could invite the mom to come accompany her dd on a playdate at her house and the moms could chat over coffee or tea. I love to do that with my dds' friends. My dds appreciate it, too, even my almost 9 yr old. We do a few drop off playdates, too, but only when my kids and I are ready for it. I wouldn't do it with just any family. I'd have to know them pretty well first.

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#33 of 38 Old 01-27-2010, 12:37 PM
 
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Just a thought - you can know the mom extremely well through numerous shared playdates, and still have little to no read on the dad. If your child is scared of the dad, that's enough. Really. Enough. Playdates at your house only for the foreseeable future. Trust your instincts.
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#34 of 38 Old 01-27-2010, 01:09 PM
 
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I really don't believe it was a joke or misunderstanding, especially with the "take deep breaths or I'll hit you harder" comment. Are they saying that your daughter completely made that up? Because it doesn't sound like something that could be taken as a joke.

Either they are the type of parents who constantly threaten to spank but rarely do it, or the dad spanks and mom doesn't know. Perhaps she was in the other room when it happened and then dad told her the joke story to cover?
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#35 of 38 Old 01-27-2010, 01:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pandora665 View Post
Just a thought - you can know the mom extremely well through numerous shared playdates, and still have little to no read on the dad. If your child is scared of the dad, that's enough. Really. Enough. Playdates at your house only for the foreseeable future. Trust your instincts.
I do sort of agree with this, but also wonder how many great friendships our kids would miss out on if we took this approach. For example, my DS has several girl friends who come over to the house a lot. They are all scared of DH, even though he rarely has contact with them and when he does, it has always seemed positive and non-threatening. He is a big guy, though, and I think as unthreatening as he acts/sounds/is, he looks a little scary to them, you know?

FWIW, I also joke about spanking my kids occasionally, and they think it is hilarious - it sends them running around the house in fits of laughter. I wouldn't ever joke like that with someone else's child, but I can see how he might have slipped and it might have seemed scarier than it was meant to be.
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#36 of 38 Old 01-27-2010, 01:20 PM
 
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We don't spank, but my older son (5) is curious about it, he has heard about it in movies or at school or wherever and sometimes we have joked about it. He is always asking me to spank him so he can see what it feels like and then gets mad when I say No.

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#37 of 38 Old 01-27-2010, 07:04 PM
 
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This is such wonderful advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pandora665 View Post
Just a thought - you can know the mom extremely well through numerous shared playdates, and still have little to no read on the dad. If your child is scared of the dad, that's enough. Really. Enough. Playdates at your house only for the foreseeable future. Trust your instincts.

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#38 of 38 Old 01-28-2010, 02:44 AM
 
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Another vote for no playdates at their home. You said you already felt uneasy about sending her there even before this. You don't have to know WHY you feel that way, trust your instincts, they pick up on things your conscious mind overlooks! Have you read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin De Becker? Really, really good book about listening to your instincts and why you should!

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